Im feeling lost today. I guess I relapsed? I didn't get high really. Just a little rush. Enough to remember the heaven then gone. Its funny how it happened. I was at mcdonalds and this black dude rolled up and parked next to my car. I think he was meeting another customer cause we made eye contact and he looked a lil shaken when I gave him the customary head nod acknowledgement. Anyway I jumped in his car and we sorted out a deal for weed. Oh and by the way I got that hero--oin. I bought a bag on impulse. Called my RC connect and got some acetyl fentanyl cause well if im going to relapse then I am gonna fucking relapse.
It wasn't worth it and I now feel beyond worthless. I never put much stock in keeping time in sobriety but man I was looking forward to saying I had a year clean. I got close just not close enough. But for real stay safe out there too many good people are dying. It sucks.
So yeah that's my deep dark lil secret that's been eating me up for 2 weeks. I cant tell anyone IRL hell I am embarrassed to share this with you guys and this place is my safe zone. I write things here I would never tell my therapist. I love this place but really that means I love you guys. The people who come and struggle here. Bearing our wins and our loses. I don't know where I am going but I am glad bluelight is here. It feels like home. I feel among friends.
I'm clean and sober. Kicked the oxy, morphine and the booze. The booze was the worst, cold turkey, thought I was dying. That sudden cold hard sober moment of clarity....
I couldn't remember my old log in, so rejoined...
Im feeling lost today. I guess I relapsed? I didn't get high really. Just a little rush. Enough to remember the heaven then gone. Its funny how it happened. I was at mcdonalds and this black dude rolled up and parked next to my car. I think he was meeting another customer cause we made eye contact and he looked a lil shaken when I gave him the customary head nod acknowledgement. Anyway I jumped in his car and we sorted out a deal for weed. Oh and by the way I got that hero--oin. I bought a bag on impulse. Called my RC connect and got some acetyl fentanyl cause well if im going to relapse then I am gonna fucking relapse.
It wasn't worth it and I now feel beyond worthless. I never put much stock in keeping time in sobriety but man I was looking forward to saying I had a year clean. I got close just not close enough. But for real stay safe out there too many good people are dying. It sucks.
So yeah that's my deep dark lil secret that's been eating me up for 2 weeks. I cant tell anyone IRL hell I am embarrassed to share this with you guys and this place is my safe zone. I write things here I would never tell my therapist. I love this place but really that means I love you guys. The people who come and struggle here. Bearing our wins and our loses. I don't know where I am going but I am glad bluelight is here. It feels like home. I feel among friends.
I think it's helpful to look at things in the aggregate. If you haven't been using for almost a year, with the exception of using once during that period of time, that's pretty damn good IMO