• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

July Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. Fireworks and Barbecue!

Status
Not open for further replies.
Im feeling lost today. I guess I relapsed? I didn't get high really. Just a little rush. Enough to remember the heaven then gone. Its funny how it happened. I was at mcdonalds and this black dude rolled up and parked next to my car. I think he was meeting another customer cause we made eye contact and he looked a lil shaken when I gave him the customary head nod acknowledgement. Anyway I jumped in his car and we sorted out a deal for weed. Oh and by the way I got that hero--oin. I bought a bag on impulse. Called my RC connect and got some acetyl fentanyl cause well if im going to relapse then I am gonna fucking relapse.

It wasn't worth it and I now feel beyond worthless. I never put much stock in keeping time in sobriety but man I was looking forward to saying I had a year clean. I got close just not close enough. But for real stay safe out there too many good people are dying. It sucks.


So yeah that's my deep dark lil secret that's been eating me up for 2 weeks. I cant tell anyone IRL hell I am embarrassed to share this with you guys and this place is my safe zone. I write things here I would never tell my therapist. I love this place but really that means I love you guys. The people who come and struggle here. Bearing our wins and our loses. I don't know where I am going but I am glad bluelight is here. It feels like home. I feel among friends.
 
Last edited:
I'm clean and sober. Kicked the oxy, morphine and the booze. The booze was the worst, cold turkey, thought I was dying. That sudden cold hard sober moment of clarity....
I couldn't remember my old log in, so rejoined...
 
Im feeling lost today. I guess I relapsed? I didn't get high really. Just a little rush. Enough to remember the heaven then gone. Its funny how it happened. I was at mcdonalds and this black dude rolled up and parked next to my car. I think he was meeting another customer cause we made eye contact and he looked a lil shaken when I gave him the customary head nod acknowledgement. Anyway I jumped in his car and we sorted out a deal for weed. Oh and by the way I got that hero--oin. I bought a bag on impulse. Called my RC connect and got some acetyl fentanyl cause well if im going to relapse then I am gonna fucking relapse.

It wasn't worth it and I now feel beyond worthless. I never put much stock in keeping time in sobriety but man I was looking forward to saying I had a year clean. I got close just not close enough. But for real stay safe out there too many good people are dying. It sucks.


So yeah that's my deep dark lil secret that's been eating me up for 2 weeks. I cant tell anyone IRL hell I am embarrassed to share this with you guys and this place is my safe zone. I write things here I would never tell my therapist. I love this place but really that means I love you guys. The people who come and struggle here. Bearing our wins and our loses. I don't know where I am going but I am glad bluelight is here. It feels like home. I feel among friends.

the first time I reached 7 and a half months (july of 2014) I relapsed (IV buprenorphine). A few months later (oct 27, 2014) I quit again and haven't used since, which makes this 20 months and 3 weeks now.

don't give up buddy <3

And by the way, if you just used that one bag of RC fentanyl analog + heroin, it sounds like a lapse. A relapse is a return to full-blown addiction.

Lapses don't have to lead you back into a full relapse, and it sounds like you're not using now? If so I'm proud of you, because some of us can't cut ourselves off once we "pick up again". That's what happened to me (jul-oct 2014; lapse in july led directly into a 3 month relapse)
 
I'm clean and sober. Kicked the oxy, morphine and the booze. The booze was the worst, cold turkey, thought I was dying. That sudden cold hard sober moment of clarity....
I couldn't remember my old log in, so rejoined...

congrats!!! :)
 
Thanks Captain. It's the booze not the opiates which is proving hardest, but I've 8 weeks sober. I was not able to leave the house without vodka in a flask, the shakes were so bad. Opiates were always my thing, but alcohol will take you there apparently.

I'm too old and beat up to maintain a habit. I had a couple of oxy od's, the drinking was way out of control. Sober is so hard, but it was clean up or die.
I don't have a relapse left in me.
I had no one to pay for rehab, or detox, no insurance. I called around, I couldn't find any help I could afford. Cold turkey off the opiates, and then the booze was bad...

Now I've got to see what's left of my life! Not much at this point...

How are you, Captain?

There is zero pint beating yourself up over a relapse, cj. Use all that energy to stay clean!
 
CJ: That was a slip. They happen in recovery. The fact you didn't continue using is testament to how strong you have become. Remorse and guilt are natural responses, but eventually they have to be let go.

I am glad you told us. Having that swimming round your brain like a bunch of piranhas is not helpful to say the least, and unloading is how you get them out of your brain. It will be alright. You can put this unpleasantness behind you. I am glad you tasted heaven and decided not to dwell there because as you know it becomes hell fast.
 
I keep thinking of the serenity prayer.

Grant me the power to change the things I can,
Accept the things I cannot change...
And the wisdom to know the difference.
 
Im feeling lost today. I guess I relapsed? I didn't get high really. Just a little rush. Enough to remember the heaven then gone. Its funny how it happened. I was at mcdonalds and this black dude rolled up and parked next to my car. I think he was meeting another customer cause we made eye contact and he looked a lil shaken when I gave him the customary head nod acknowledgement. Anyway I jumped in his car and we sorted out a deal for weed. Oh and by the way I got that hero--oin. I bought a bag on impulse. Called my RC connect and got some acetyl fentanyl cause well if im going to relapse then I am gonna fucking relapse.

It wasn't worth it and I now feel beyond worthless. I never put much stock in keeping time in sobriety but man I was looking forward to saying I had a year clean. I got close just not close enough. But for real stay safe out there too many good people are dying. It sucks.


So yeah that's my deep dark lil secret that's been eating me up for 2 weeks. I cant tell anyone IRL hell I am embarrassed to share this with you guys and this place is my safe zone. I write things here I would never tell my therapist. I love this place but really that means I love you guys. The people who come and struggle here. Bearing our wins and our loses. I don't know where I am going but I am glad bluelight is here. It feels like home. I feel among friends.

I think it's helpful to look at things in the aggregate. If you haven't been using for almost a year, with the exception of using once during that period of time, that's pretty damn good IMO
 
I have lost a bunch of weight. I think I am going to go old man style and start drinking hot water and ensure all the time.
 
^^^^It was weird. I used to do a burger special on sundays. Old people would come in. If they were really old they would order their burger well done with lots of raw onion and mustard.
 
Hahaha, were they German? I don't know, I like onion and mustard sometimes. Yellow or Dijon or something better?
 
I ordered my first DoubleDouble (I usually get a reg cheeseburger ) at In N Out the other night. Mistake! It is too much burger. Should have stuck with my typical order !
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top