I struggle with depression, as does my sister and my partner. That weight on your chest feeling, like everything is going to be shit and pain forever, and how can you possibly survive it? I thought about suicide (from fantasizing about it to being surprised by good days where I wasn't actually wishing for it) every single day from age 12-26, peaking between 14 and 17.
I am happy now, and I'm watching my sister and boyfriend journey out of the dark and toward happiness too. My advice is to fight the pain and dark with every single tool you have. You are at war, and depression is your enemy. What helped me and my family may not be the same for you, but here it is:
1. Exercise. It's so fucking hard to exercise when you're down, but at least for me, it helps so so so much.
2. Sunshine. Hiking or walking/running outside accomplishes both 1 and 2.
3. Socialize. Studies show that people are more likely to kill themselves when they don't have strong social ties. I have crazy social anxiety, so making myself do this is hard. I cultivate relationships with "non-people", people who I am comfortable enough with that they don't drain me. I can be around those people in full-blown, unshowered, eating uncooked ramen in my sweatpants depression and not feel embarrassed.
4. Get out of your own head. Depression is self-focus. You think in loops about how painful and exhausting and worthless it feels to be you. Get yourself to a different head space. Get into something you love. Plant a flower, play with a dog, write a letter to a politician, help a friend move, kick ass at work, do do do things that aren't about you.
5. Positive self-talk and mental discipline. I thought this was bullshit until a friend convinced me to try it , asking me "what do you have to lose?" This was a big step forward. When I start to get down on myself, I now tell myself "I am good/worthy/lovable/fun/awesome at snowboarding/whatever". I consciously stop myself and try to think about something positive when I start to think in depressing, sad circles. It sounds like bullshit, I know. I think that sometimes I would let myself get trapped in miserable, self-loathing looping thought circles because there is something beautiful about the intensity of depression: you feel awful, but you feel so strongly. Repressing those feelings made me feel numb, which was almost worse. It's a trap: I got addicted to feeling awful because it was better than nothing. it was uncomfortable, but replacing those thoughts with a conscious effort toward self-positive thoughts eventually made the numbness fade. It was like sending my brain to the gym. It sucked at first, but it eventually really worked.
6. Medication helped me from time to time, but you gotta be careful. Low-dose Wellbutrin really helped my depression symptoms and I was on it on and off during the worst years. I'm off of it now. I'm glad I had trustworthy, caring mental health professionals who didn't try to push nonsense on me.
7. Eat healthy, lots of veggies, very little processed food. It makes a difference. Depending on where you live, you can find a group of (KNOWLEDGEABLE, MAKE SURE) hippie foragers who you can go hike with, dig up wild garlic, and cook with, accomplishing a bunch of these things at once. I did this with friends in Ohio and it was an all-in-one brain reset button.
i know all of this sounds like the fucking worst when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out. When you are completely exhausted just by having to wake up in the morning and live the whole day inside your head, it feels unbelievably unfair that the way out always seems to be to do MORE shit. Depressed doing is a heroic effort, and you should be proud of it. Even just a little bit builds inertia. Try not to be overwhelmed, just focus on a tiny bit of doing and be proud of it.
i hope this doesn't come off as judgy or preachy, because that's not how I intend it at all. I just wanted to share what worked for me, because I remember how depression, being where you are, is hell. It's fucking hell. If anything that got me through might help you too, I just wanted to pass it on, because I don't want you to have to stay there.
all love and the best of hopes for you, friend.
