I don't know what to do...

[Fatjosh]

I haven't been very active on the boards for a while but have been participating for years. I have been in and out of active addiction for 8 years now and I'm only 25. I want to be sober so bad but sometimes it just seems impossible.

I am currently on a waiting list to get on MMT but the thing is...I don't really want to be on methadone. I tried suboxone (off the streets) for almost 8 months but when it came time to jump off I just couldn't do a detox that lasted months so I went back to oxy figuring if I got back to being dependent on that I can just have a normal kick.

My family is so worried about me and it kills me which is why I have considered methadone. I really don't want to do that tho because I know I will eventually have to deal with an even worse detox in the end. I'm just at my witts end. I have always told people not to get on methadone and here I am myself considering it just to ease my families pain in watching me do this.

My problem is that it is hard to get clean when life sucks this bad. When I got clean befor I had things to fight for and things that made me happy. As of now I really have nothing. I use because life sucks and life sucks because I use. I know that the death of my father is the issue at the core of my addiction but I don't know how to solve that issue, even after 8 years it still hurts all the same. So I guess the point of this whole post is whether you guys think MMT is a good choice so I can get my life back on track and create a life worth fighting to get sober for or just keep trying the way I have been? Thanks in advance guys.

 

[Moreaux]

I am sorry you're in such a tough situation right now, you have a log fight ahead of you but I promise the end results are so very worth it. I highly recommend you figure out the underlying issues that are motivating you to use, and deal with them. Getting a handle on those issues is critical to maintaining sobriety. As for how you get sober that it's totally up to you. I think maintenance and then a taper is a solid way to go so you don't shock yourself too quickly. Withdrawal is never pleseant, but PAWS is worse in my opinion because it lasts longer. I know tapering down and eventually off makes both so much better and shorter, so which ever route you choose I recommend incorporating a taper as you don't want to feel any worse then you have to. I also think you should consider getting either naltrexone or Vivitrol after you are finished with your taper as it is added insurance against a relapse, and from personal experience I found it really brought anxiety levels down. Good luck in your journey!

 

[herbavore]

Hey, Josh! I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you back here but happy to see you anyway.

You are letting the addiction voices get the best of you when you say that you had something to fight for and now you don't. Life is never going to provide permanence for us. Relationships bloom and wither, the landlord raises the rent beyond what we can pay, our families are tangles of conflicting needs, we disappoint ourselves by falling back into unhealthy patterns, people we love die. The only thing that you ever have to fight for it seems to me is peace in your own head. Everything else is up to chance.

I don't feel qualified to say whether mmt is right for you or not. It seems to me that mmt is a great tool for people that want to be off opiates but that doesn't touch the psychological factors that make you crave the effects of the opiates. So the mmt is a wonderful medication for the physical that just may give you the breathing space you need to deal with the mental--but the key is that you do have to deal with the psychological part of all this.

 

[Fatjosh]

Moreaux- you are right in that dealing with the source of my addiction is the only thing that will fix this. The thing is I know what it is, the death of my father both sparked and facilitated my addiction because he died of cancer and we had so much opiates lying around.

Also the fact that he was my step father from age 4 and I felt like he was a second chance at having a father it was a real kick in the nuts feeling like I was robbed of my father for the second time as my real father killed himself befor I was born.

I have gotten clean multiple times so I know about tapers and CT but I've never really had paws. Usually I'm so stoked to be clean after a month I go straight to the pink cloud phase. My life is just always been one fucked up thing after another and when someone I love dies or some other really upsetting thing happens I relapse. I am still not sure of MMT because so many people r just stuck there for life and that's what scares me.

Herbavore- it's so nice to hear from u, I know that's the addiction talking but man I just don't have anything to really look forward to but I have to keep fighting either way. It's just really hard because I am not a baby steps kinda person I am all or nothing that why I have always done best just going cold turkey at whatever dosage I'm at because when I'm tapering I can never get past the thought of if I'm going to take a little opiates why not take a bit more and feel good. Getting clean is one thing staying clean is another and that goes back to getting over my father or getting over that I'll never get over my father I don't know.....thanks a lot guys

 

[herbavore]

A lot of life is learning to carry pain without causing yourself more.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

You make existence sound like such fun. It just keeps on getting better too.