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Loneliness

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,998
How do you deal with loneliness in recovery? I do a lot of social stuff, but at the end of the day what I really crave more than anything is some warm skin to come into contact with mine. This has been my biggest struggle in recovery, dealing with this issue of feeling lonely and not just going out and getting in a relationship with just any old girl.
 
I try to talk to someone new when I'm on vacation, even if I don't want to at first. It's a small step but it works for me. I still have a long ways to go.
 
Perfect tie in thread for the sexual ethics in recovery because now that I think about it loneliness can decrease my ethics. Absolutely.
I'm 100% in for suggestions because loneliness is something I struggle with a lot.
 
I don't get particularly lonely so far. I don't want a girlfriend ATM though as I know it'd be a terrible idea. I socialize plenty going to meetings see family once or twice a week, hang out with people go to work etc.

I've been in that mindstate though of wanting a girl.
 
I think it is really important for people to distinguish the need for real intimacy (which we all have) and the need for sex (which we all also have but to varying degrees). I found that when I did more than just socialize with my friends (i.e. I cultivated much deeper relationships that were platonic and yet intimate) that I was not apt to sexualize every potential relationship that came my way. I've written in various posts around the forum about my intentional year of celibacy in which I tried to concentrate on making true friends rather than a list of acquaintances to socialize with. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself in terms of a long-lasting change in my life. I was young and at the height of my sexuality at the time so it was not easy but because I had an intention of something I was trying to change, it also had a kind of positive momentum to it. I was also used to using sexual relationships to feel loved and approved, which is not by any means always the case. I know a lot of you may be thinking, "well I'm already celibate and not by choice so what's the difference?" There is a world of difference. Chosen celibacy (doesn't have to be a year) is a conscious choice whereas circumstantial celibacy can become an all-consuming neediness that doesn't help you deal with loneliness at all.
 
Nice, thanks herby. I have been thinking a lot about that idea of intetional celebacy, and given my interest in renunciation, which I have found to be an incredibly powerful skill to cultivate in dealing with addiction that I never learned or really had any exposure to growing up considering how I was raised and the culture of mass consumption in America. I am going to keep reflecting on how I will go about a time of intentional celebacy, because I definitely think if would be really good for me.

I am not even so much interested in just sexual intimacy, but having a person or people I can be physically, although not necessarily sexually, close to and feel safe with, and perhaps even strong is the urge to have emotional closeness with others. I have done really well with emotional closeness in terms of making new healthy friends, though I have much work to do still. What I want to work on is developing this closeness with a special someone, if you know what I mean. Some good love making would be wonderful, but it isnt nearly as important to me as a healthy, emotional bond and intimacy.
 
Well, so much for celebacy ;) aparently I am a bit young for that yet. . .

Anyhoo, time for relationships 2.0. At least I have found myself a super wonderful Persian girl. And the best part is, she is healthier in many ways than I am. Gonna take things slowly, but at least both she and I are on the same page about what we want out of a relationship (i.e. a partnership).

Most importantly, I am not deluding myself about this girl.
 
This is good. It is very easy for addicts to take an all or nothing approach to personal relationships. Just be careful my friend.
 
Yeah, I much prefer dating girls who are not in recovery or have a history of problematic drug use. Makes everything so much easier, because relationships are hard enougj as it is.
 
If you were both in recovery tho couldn't that also potentially be something positive since you have something in common?
 
Yes, it would just depend how "in recovery" we both were. Generally speaking I would rather have a partner who is healthier than I am. And generally people in recovery, especially the first few years of it, aee not that healthy. But these are very much generalization. I like to think in terms of probibility though, and the chances of bad shir happening when two addicts get together are higher than with an addict and a non-addict gettinf together IME.
 
It can be helpful for you both to be in recovery as long as both are incredibly invested and do not put the other person ahead of themselves. Sometimes one person relapses and the other has strong enough feelings for them that they try to help. It is true though that someone actively using will get you relapsing quicker than you can get them sober.

It is one of the reasons it is good to not change your relationship status for a year after quitting drugs.
 
nuttynutskin said:
If you were both in recovery tho couldn't that also potentially be something positive since you have something in common?
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I don't see it that way. It's like the odds of relapse for any one/both of the people in the relationship becomes squared.

Then if someone relapses, the other person either jumps into the event horizon with them, or they eternally resent their partner who has relapsed,

which leads to co-dependency, undermining each other's sobriety, enabling each other,

best case scenario is you'll have to put your significant other through an intervention, and at the end of it they'll have family or you pony up $$$ so they can go to rehab and....you're alone once more, while they're not alone. They have active addiction, their mental disorders, and all those people in rehab to keep them company. You now have no one.

I thoroughly recommend never dating people in recovery.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I don't see it that way. It's like the odds of relapse for any one/both of the people in the relationship becomes squared.

Then if someone relapses, the other person either jumps into the event horizon with them, or they eternally resent their partner who has relapsed,

which leads to co-dependency, undermining each other's sobriety, enabling each other,

best case scenario is you'll have to put your significant other through an intervention, and at the end of it they'll have family or you pony up $$$ so they can go to rehab and....you're alone once more, while they're not alone. They have active addiction, their mental disorders, and all those people in rehab to keep them company. You now have no one.

I thoroughly recommend never dating people in recovery.
Click to expand...

Wow. This is true. I believe that you really need to have your shit together and be willing to walk away if things go south. I make no bones about it with my girl. I don't want to see what happens but in the end I have to, and she has to, consider what is best for both of us. For the time being things are good and we help each other.
 
Yup, CH once again puts how I feel super elloquently. So glad to have you around my friend, I really look up to you. God knows why :p j/k seriously, I know you dont feel like it all the time but youre an AMAZING guy, with a shit load of wisdom and smarts to share with the world.
 
I've been through the relationship with an addict at least 3 times now. The person may be slightly different, they might be addicted to different drug(s), but the format of what happens does not.

People who are co-dependent tend to magnetically attract other addicts or unstable people, and it creates a cycle of instability/loneliness as you keep going through people who break apart in your very hands.
 
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