Loneliness

[Jabberwocky]

I'm good on the 12 Step stuff, that program simply does not work for me. I prefer to get modern, professional treatment for my addiction and mental health issues without the AA and NA garbage thrown in. Frankly going to an NA or AA meeting would make me feel even more disconnected and alienated from my community, so it wouldn't do me personally any good in address the issue of loneliness.

Thankfully I have found something that does seem to be working for me in ways AA and NA never were able to, a community organized around recovery that actually respects that there are many roads to recovery, something neither the AA nor NA community ever have.

AA and NA have a lot to offer though, so your suggestions are still sound.

 

[manboychef]

I met some nice folks, but for the most part I met people I neither identified with or enjoyed spending time around. There is a lot of good in that program, but IMHO it comes from the literature. 12 Steppers are an unreliable bunch when it comes to people I can look up to or feel safe around. Basically, if you don't want what someone has, there is only so much they can offer in terms of support, regardless of whether you met them at an NA meeting or somewhere else. I find that BL is easier to open up to people, certainly was my mainstay in early early recovery. But I now have found a support group with some people I feel extremely comfortable opening up to. So there are definitely groups out there for anyone, it is just a struggle to find a good NA group or any other type of recovery community or non-pofessional support style group.

I feel the same way. The 12step protocol does not work for me, but I do stay in contact with some of the people I met in meetings. For me it was more about the individual, and less about the cultlike way of doing things.

Long Post.

It is important to find what works for you. I to believe that recovery life, and "regular life" should be kept separate. There is too much stigma involved with addiction these days and people will most definitely view/treat you differently if they found out you are an addict (regardless if you are not using). What I gathered from your post is that AA works for you. I still think it is more about the individuals in the group and less about the literature or the steps. Some people need that rigid set of rules and goals in order to stay straight. For me, mental health help, and self acceptance has done me extremely well. A lot of the time in AA I had people that have no background in counseling people telling me exactly what I needed to do...most of the time doing the work for me. This wasn't helpful. Can you expand on why you like the groups you like?

I'm good on the 12 Step stuff, that program simply does not work for me. I prefer to get modern, professional treatment for my addiction and mental health issues without the AA and NA garbage thrown in. Frankly going to an NA or AA meeting would make me feel even more disconnected and alienated from my community, so it wouldn't do me personally any good in address the issue of loneliness.

Thankfully I have found something that does seem to be working for me in ways AA and NA never were able to, a community organized around recovery that actually respects that there are many roads to recovery, something neither the AA nor NA community ever have.

AA and NA have a lot to offer though, so your suggestions are still sound.

This is so true. There are so many new ways to stay sober, and the whole abstinence based 12step ethos does not work for everyone. They say you are only as sick as your secrets....well it is very telling that in AA and NA you have to keep the fact that you may be on methadone or benzos a secret.

I find behavioral and therapy based groups work the best. They tend to make everything a lot more inclusive.

When it comes to loneliness: Sometimes it is good to spend time alone reflecting on yourself.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Speaking of learning to be alone, I cannot believe I forgot to post this earlier. One of my favorite youtube videos.

When it comes to loneliness: Sometimes it is good to spend time alone reflecting on yourself.

Yes young grasshopper

 

[Dodger Guy LA]

Living in L.A I find them to be like high school! I do like Sunday speaker Meetings, they can be insightful. I'm so mixed about meetings I don't know what to think. They are clickey. I disagree with the 90 and 90. My biggest pet peeve.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well said Dodger, couldn't have put it better myself. Just. Like. High school. I already have enough drama in my life. Maybe one of these days you could introduce me to a good speaker meetings? I'd like to see what a good meeting in LA was like. But the problem is I'll never go by myself, I'm just not that motivated. But if another person's involved I would be game.

 

[Dodger Guy LA]

Yeah, I much prefer dating girls who are not in recovery or have a history of problematic drug use. Makes everything so much easier, because relationships are hard enougj as it is.

My other half thankfully is not an alcoholic or an addict! I don't really think about it but when I do I thank god!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Right? And although they definitely have their serious problems, I am so glad neither of my parents are addicts. I always feel so compassionate towards those who were "raised" by addicts, especially if they were also in active addiction during that time. It's hard enough to raise one or two kids as it is, it's impossible to do that and maintain poor decision making that active addiction requires.

 

[Dodger Guy LA]

Maybe one of these days you could introduce me to a good speaker meetings? I'd like to see what a good meeting in LA was like. But the problem is I'll never go by myself, I'm just not that motivated. But if another person's involved I would be game.

Pasadena is where I've found the better meetings since I'm on that side of town in NELA. I am done with the west side, what a joke.

Right? And although they definitely have their serious problems, I am so glad neither of my parents are addicts. I always feel so compassionate towards those who were "raised" by addicts, especially if they were also in active addiction during that time. It's hard enough to raise one or two kids as it is, it's impossible to do that and maintain poor decision making that active addiction requires.

out of all my siblings I'm the only one with addiction. Parents, huge alcoholics! Functioning but alcoholics. Drank till the day they passed.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Pasadena is where I've found the better meetings since I'm on that side of town in NELA. I am done with the west side, what a joke.

Ah, I see. Well I've been to many in Pasadena, not in a few years, but they weren't any better or worse than most other meetings I've been to in LA. Just not my cup of tea I guess. I like to try and stay open to anything though.

NELA huh? Nice, I'm over in La Canada

 

[manboychef]

I like speaker meetings. I can usually find a lot in common with the speaker. It is also good to hear other's stories because it takes away a lot of the shame and guilt I feel for the things I have done. It also helps me to be more understanding and empathize with others.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

I dealt with loneliness by accepting my own presence and making peace with it.I drove myself crazy trying to find someone who understood,but end of the the day I only had myself.recovering alone is awful but it helps you grow,sometimes we try abstaining or quiting only to please people but in our hearts se are not entirely sure that's why I think we relapse so many times.I did it by myself for myself and 2years later still pushing on

 

[bluerobot]

If anyone still looks at this thread. Hmu. I have questions.

 

[Jabberwocky]

If anyone still looks at this thread. Hmu. I have questions.

What’s up? Swamped with the end of the semester, but always curious what people are thinking

Ps pls quote this in your response so I’ll know to reply. Come summer I’ll be hanging out in SL more, but until then it is just basic staff duties.

 

[Skippwiggins]

When i say i use AA/NA i mean it as i use it for the social aspect. I do not follow the 12 steps or the program so to speak. I go for a safe place to speak and vent. Im on methadone, 220mg and nobody in AA or NA has a problem with that. Nowadays i go to one meeting a week vs 4 or 5. The gym is my church and steroids are my Bible. NA also has no problem with this, at least where i live. There are many atheists that use NA.

 

[aihfl]

^ In larger cities, there are also atheist/agnostic 12 step meetings.

 

[ladyhlove]

I've found that my addictive personality is also present in relationships. I've often wondered if I have BPD (borderline) because I tend to put a LOT of meaning into my relationships (more than most). However, I don't have the intense anger/hatred that also comes along with BPD so maybe not the best diagnosis. I also have horrible abandonment fears, but a lot of that stems from a traumatic divorce (involving a very dramatic scene of my whole family begging my father not to leave us, with him doing so anyways..).

I do know that it's common for us addicts to become addicted to people just a much as we become addicted to drugs. I have a friend who went into recovery for cocaine use, but found out she wasnt a cocaine addict...she was codependent..she only did coke bc her boyfriend did...she drank to excess with her last alcoholic bf and was a huge stoner with her pothead bf before that. Her drug use was a secondary issue. Sometimes I think codependency may be my main problem as well. Part of the reason I turned to opiates in the first place was to deal with the unbearable pain of a breakup and the ex getting married to someone else so soon after our relationships end.

I do think it's easier for us addicts to date people without a history of drug problems. Sure, it leaves the possibility that we may end up making this non-drug using person into an addict one day, but I find more times than not it can bring us back to kinda the "real world" where we're not sitting there focusing on our addictions day in and out. I know that, from personal experience, dating a nonaddict (which I currently am) makes me forget sometimes about the drug game and that whole world in general. I feel normal when I'm with him, not like the addict I feel like I am so much of the time.

I don't think purusing relationships while in recovery is wrong...just make sure you're in it for the right reasons so no one gets hurt in the end.

 

[aihfl]

^ I got tested for BPD, but the clinical psychologist I was seeing said there were no markers for any personality disorders. I think my mother may very well be BPD (ironically that's her field is clinical psychology) but she'll never have any interest in trying to improve herself.

I know I was co-dependent. When my ex-wife and I separated in 2014, that was the first time since 1996 I hadn't had a girlfriend or been married. The idea of being alone after almost 20 years was terrifying. Also, my ex and I hadn't had sex in well over a year. I no longer begrudge her that, because who, besides a drunk, would want to have sex with a drunk? So I went headlong into a relationship (I was still drinking) while the divorce was going on, basically just to not be alone and to be able to get laid again, and the results were disastrous. I took a two-year hiatus from seeing anyone which did me a lot of good. I'm seeing someone now, but it's not because I have a "need" for another person, it's because I want to be around that person. And she has kids in high school anyway, so we don't get to see each other all that often (maybe once a week if that), so it would never fly if I was my old, needy, clingy self.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Honestly, bro... it depends on the situation for me.
If I am in a dark place; being alone is preferred. Loneliness never comes in to the picture (unless it's denial). Pulling another into a shadowy world created out of a mind-fu** does me more harm than good.
Now let me be amongst the living (being a functioning part of society) with another and all of a sudden the other is gone (for whatever reason) this would bring a loneliness that I personally couldn't deal with and would more than likely come to an untimely demise. Won't know til it happens.
I am not suicidal: Nor have i ever been. Homicidal? maybe if anything....
Loneliness can be our best friend or our worst enemy.