June Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. Sober Summer Fun!

[Captain.Heroin]

Why do all the metros and undergrounds in the world have weirdos, junkies and creepers on them?

the poor escape hot/cold weather by going underground. that and it's largely not patrolled by police (except for Russia, surprisingly, where there is a huge police presence).

 

[manboychef]

the poor escape hot/cold weather by going underground. that and it's largely not patrolled by police (except for Russia, surprisingly, where there is a huge police presence).

QFT. It is a place that they are allowed to be most of the day that is not subject to the elements. Also it is a place that so many people pass at all hours of the day which is prime panhandling territory.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

QFT. It is a place that they are allowed to be most of the day that is not subject to the elements. Also it is a place that so many people pass at all hours of the day which is prime panhandling territory.

I love how many people just jump the turnstyles in LA metro, and then end up getting ticketed by sherrifs.

It's not expensive to ride the metro, and people who don't pay always look like they come from money.

 

[Dodger Guy LA]

I love how many people just jump the turnstyles in LA metro, and then end up getting ticketed by sherrifs.

It's not expensive to ride the metro, and people who don't pay always look like they come from money.

In 2003 I got a ticket for eating where you buy your ticket. It was mandatory cout appearance, a joke it was. When I went the judge asked if I could read and I said yes. He said I don't want to see you in here again, dismissed! Waste of time/money.
Anyway, the amount of fare jumpers was insane. There fine, 10 dollars . Probably different now

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah I think it is a bit more than $10, but there are still tricks you can use to beat the system (at least most of the time; depends what time of day you use the Metro).

 

[Captain.Heroin]

In 2003 I got a ticket for eating where you buy your ticket. It was mandatory cout appearance, a joke it was. When I went the judge asked if I could read and I said yes. He said I don't want to see you in here again, dismissed! Waste of time/money.
Anyway, the amount of fare jumpers was insane. There fine, 10 dollars . Probably different now

yeah you can't eat, drink, smoke, chew gum, ride skateboards, and more shit, and it all happens all the time. It really pisses me off. Especially cigarette smokers

 

[Burnt Offerings]

the poor escape hot/cold weather by going underground. that and it's largely not patrolled by police (except for Russia, surprisingly, where there is a huge police presence).

Didn't major cities in Russia (or at least Moscow) have a problem with Asian immigrants getting stabbed to death by neo-nazis in Russia's undergrounds, in the relatively recent past? I guess they beefed up their police presence though? I'd rather mingle with junkies, weirdos and creepers than the Russian far-right, that's for sure...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Didn't major cities in Russia (or at least Moscow) have a problem with Asian immigrants getting stabbed to death by neo-nazis in Russia's undergrounds, in the relatively recent past? I guess they beefed up their police presence though? I'd rather mingle with junkies, weirdos and creepers than the Russian far-right, that's for sure...

Haven't heard anything about that, but if so, I stand corrected.

 

[MrRoot]

^^ I remember reading about that from local Amnesty website.

---

It is not that long trip to Moscow and especially to St. Petersburg from where I live so maybe I should have to check out how their undergrounds are if I decide to take a trip there again. Atleast in pictures St. Petersburg's underground seems quite luxurious.

NSFW:

When I worked on private security I had some shifts in Helsinki metro and those shifts were the only ones in which I had to report for using necessarily force each shift.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

19 and a half months

 

[Dodger Guy LA]

Especially cigarette smokers

That is my biggest pet peeve ! I hv chronic asthma and for some reason cigarettes smoke is one thing to set it off. Doesn't matter where on the boarding platform you are or even pay machines and I can smel it. Since my station could get my ass beat I just try and keep away and my mouth shut.

 

[manboychef]

Having a hard time today. I am feeling pretty sick, and I have lots of bulbs to plant. Sometimes I find myself missing the feeling of opiates because I never felt this sick unless I didn't have them.

Other than that I am doing pretty well. I am mentoring my cousin...he is having a rough go of life and is experiencing some of the same problems that I had when I was using.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Nice work on the mentoring! I feel like the mentors get even more benefit than their mentees in the relationship, as it helps keep them focused and learning, and as they are generally in a better or at least more stable position than their mentees to learn and grow, I hope you benefit from the relationship with your cousin my friend

Feel better!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Good luck on the bulbs!

 

[Moreaux]

Actually wrote this in C.H.'s "Self Hatred" thread but don't want to move off topic so this thread seems more appropriate. I haven't been on Sober Living in a few weeks because I feel like I'm failing in some ways. I haven't used any problem substances, but I'm messing up. Not a relapse per se so I'm not stopping my two year count, but if I continue the way I'm going it could definately lead to one. I figure I would share what's up with me so others in recovery can ponder how a seemingly small event can quickly hve a major impact on their recovery.

It all began with surgery two weeks ago - never had surgery before. I got tramadol for pain - horrible stuff, sedated me and made me hyper at the same time, zero dopamine response so it just felt terrible. Wasn't comfortable taking my herbal remedies for sleep with it because I couldn't find a definitive resource stating that it would be safe, so I had to start up on trazodone again so I could get some sleep. Sleep has really been problematic since surgery. I also started up on kratom as this ha literally been the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I didn't want a strong opiate prescribed nor did I want to take a lot of tramadol. I've been on a steady decline and it seems to have bottomed out tris week.

I fell asleep Monday night wearing two nicotine patches and had a horrific nightmare - scared the hell out of me. I thought it was really happening (an intruder in my house) - almost called the cops but decided to check the survellience system first...nothing. Pretty certain my husband legitimately questions my sanity. So strange, the visual, olfactory, and auditory aspects of the dream were seemingly more real than regular reality. Could not for the life of me get past it so I got little sleep. Wasn't able to sleep last night either so I took a 150mg of Trazodone at 3am, have felt like hell all day. Surgery has decimated my recovery juju - back on kratom, trazodone, sleep cycle is disrupted, and am compulsively shopping.

I have been working for the past six months to pay down my credit card, and completely undid all hat effort yesterday and today. It's not maxed out again, but I spent $2000 on clothes and feel so guilty. I have put my family in so much debt during my addiction and have been doing so well that I'm disgusted with myself. I don't make much money, and all my extra cash has been going to the card and now I have to start over. I am so stressed about money as it is, and I can't believe I did this. I have so many clothes as it is, and ended up buying more...my husband is supportive and never gets on me, but I am deeply embarrassed. Everything was on sale so I can't return it, and to put into perspective the ridiculousness of my actions the last thing I bought was a designer pair of sandals for $600, so it's not even like I bought many items. We live paycheck to paycheck, normally I would have saved for a $40 pair, so this is just unreal. I had zero control. I can't even try to sell them without losing money, and who in the hell is going to pay that amount of money for shoes on Craigslist. I justified the purchase with I need flat sandals for recovery and at least I'm not drinking.

Cancelled my credit card today and will be taking melatonin and trazodone at 8 tonight for a reset. Started a kratom taper. I should have prepared myself for surgery better but didn't know what to expect. It's remarkable how quickly stuff can spiral out of control - getting a handle on it though so it won't go further. Lesson learned - do not get too over confident in your sobriety - the addict brain is always present and waiting to take control. I think I'm going to start therapy again as I obviously still have much to work on. I just feel like a ridiculous waste of space. I'm so sad, I really thought I was doing so much better and now I feel like I'm almost back at square one.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I am so sorry to hear youre struggling so my friend. It sounds like you are really having a hard time. Forst and foremost, stop being so hard on yourself. No one can be perfect, and it sounds to me like you expect yourself to do everything right right away. Before it can turn into a butterfly a caterpiller has to shed and regrow its skin five times you know. By that I mean that, before you should expect yourself to transform into something truly beautiful you are going to have to try a few times before you figure it all out. You clearly have the right intentions though, your head is exactly where it should be at. So that is half the batter won already.

What you should do:

Back to basics! You dont need to restart your clean time by any means, but try and treat yourself like you just got sober again yesterday. Beginner's mind baby. I would really think twice about the kratom. Make an appointment with your doctor asap and talk to her about all your concerns, that your in pain but affraid of taking something stronger, that the tramadol fucks you up in a shitty way, that you are having to take trazadone instead of your normal go tos and are relying on self medicating with the kratom. You got to be brutally honest with him if you want to prevent a real relapse. Maybe different pain meds are your best option right now, I dont know. Certainly doing something under a doctor's care and supervision is better than an addict self medicating, as we all know where that leads.

What you need to focus on right now is HALT. Be constantly on alert as to if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Like I said, pretent like you jusy got sober yesterday till you feel more comfortable with yourself. Nothing to beat yourself up about or feel ashamed of, you just need to treat yourself with extra special care until youre back on your feet.

And give yourself a break! If youre having a hard time, just chill out and take it easy. Work really hard on your self care regime right now, do what makes you feel good without resorting to getting high.

I gotta go but Ill post back soon. Keep your head up. Your got this!

 

[manboychef]

Actually wrote this in C.H.'s "Self Hatred" thread but don't want to move off topic so this thread seems more appropriate. I haven't been on Sober Living in a few weeks because I feel like I'm failing in some ways. I haven't used any problem substances, but I'm messing up. Not a relapse per se so I'm not stopping my two year count, but if I continue the way I'm going it could definately lead to one. I figure I would share what's up with me so others in recovery can ponder how a seemingly small event can quickly hve a major impact on their recovery.

It all began with surgery two weeks ago - never had surgery before. I got tramadol for pain - horrible stuff, sedated me and made me hyper at the same time, zero dopamine response so it just felt terrible. Wasn't comfortable taking my herbal remedies for sleep with it because I couldn't find a definitive resource stating that it would be safe, so I had to start up on trazodone again so I could get some sleep. Sleep has really been problematic since surgery. I also started up on kratom as this ha literally been the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I didn't want a strong opiate prescribed nor did I want to take a lot of tramadol. I've been on a steady decline and it seems to have bottomed out tris week.

I fell asleep Monday night wearing two nicotine patches and had a horrific nightmare - scared the hell out of me. I thought it was really happening (an intruder in my house) - almost called the cops but decided to check the survellience system first...nothing. Pretty certain my husband legitimately questions my sanity. So strange, the visual, olfactory, and auditory aspects of the dream were seemingly more real than regular reality. Could not for the life of me get past it so I got little sleep. Wasn't able to sleep last night either so I took a 150mg of Trazodone at 3am, have felt like hell all day. Surgery has decimated my recovery juju - back on kratom, trazodone, sleep cycle is disrupted, and am compulsively shopping.

I have been working for the past six months to pay down my credit card, and completely undid all hat effort yesterday and today. It's not maxed out again, but I spent $2000 on clothes and feel so guilty. I have put my family in so much debt during my addiction and have been doing so well that I'm disgusted with myself. I don't make much money, and all my extra cash has been going to the card and now I have to start over. I am so stressed about money as it is, and I can't believe I did this. I have so many clothes as it is, and ended up buying more...my husband is supportive and never gets on me, but I am deeply embarrassed. Everything was on sale so I can't return it, and to put into perspective the ridiculousness of my actions the last thing I bought was a designer pair of sandals for $600, so it's not even like I bought many items. We live paycheck to paycheck, normally I would have saved for a $40 pair, so this is just unreal. I had zero control. I can't even try to sell them without losing money, and who in the hell is going to pay that amount of money for shoes on Craigslist. I justified the purchase with I need flat sandals for recovery and at least I'm not drinking.

Cancelled my credit card today and will be taking melatonin and trazodone at 8 tonight for a reset. Started a kratom taper. I should have prepared myself for surgery better but didn't know what to expect. It's remarkable how quickly stuff can spiral out of control - getting a handle on it though so it won't go further. Lesson learned - do not get too over confident in your sobriety - the addict brain is always present and waiting to take control. I think I'm going to start therapy again as I obviously still have much to work on. I just feel like a ridiculous waste of space. I'm so sad, I really thought I was doing so much better and now I feel like I'm almost back at square one.

It gets better. I too can be impulsive. My impulse generally has to do with emotions. You have OCD as well. Don't beat yourself up if you were trying to get relief from intrusive thoughts.

You are lucky to have an understanding husband. Good job on cancelling the credit card. I would suggest doing the therapy. It has been very helpful for me. You are not a waste of space. Get that out of your head immediately. You made a mistake, that is all. The good thing about making a mistake is that it is a unique opportunity to learn something about yourself.

One thing that has worked for my impulse control problem is writing things down before I do them. Quite a bit of the time I would say things I didn't mean, or say things I mean in a very harsh tone. Writing things out as a letter to myself really helps me to either justify or control the degree to which I do things.

@tpd: The beginner's mind thing is a great idea! I am going to use that. Sometimes I forget why I did this all in the first place.

 

[Jabberwocky]

And btw Moreaux I apologize for my inappropriate remarks a few weeks ago that I guess was me hitting on you unintentionally. I was totally fucked out of my brain on entheogens and lonely I imagine. I hope you start feeling better soon. We are always here whenever you need us!

 

[Moreaux]

I am so sorry to hear youre struggling so my friend. It sounds like you are really having a hard time. Forst and foremost, stop being so hard on yourself. No one can be perfect, and it sounds to me like you expect yourself to do everything right right away. Before it can turn into a butterfly a caterpiller has to shed and regrow its skin five times you know. By that I mean that, before you should expect yourself to transform into something truly beautiful you are going to have to try a few times before you figure it all out. You clearly have the right intentions though, your head is exactly where it should be at. So that is half the batter won already.

What you should do:

Back to basics! You dont need to restart your clean time by any means, but try and treat yourself like you just got sober again yesterday. Beginner's mind baby. I would really think twice about the kratom. Make an appointment with your doctor asap and talk to her about all your concerns, that your in pain but affraid of taking something stronger, that the tramadol fucks you up in a shitty way, that you are having to take trazadone instead of your normal go tos and are relying on self medicating with the kratom. You got to be brutally honest with him if you want to prevent a real relapse. Maybe different pain meds are your best option right now, I dont know. Certainly doing something under a doctor's care and supervision is better than an addict self medicating, as we all know where that leads.

What you need to focus on right now is HALT. Be constantly on alert as to if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Like I said, pretent like you jusy got sober yesterday till you feel more comfortable with yourself. Nothing to beat yourself up about or feel ashamed of, you just need to treat yourself with extra special care until youre back on your feet.

And give yourself a break! If youre having a hard time, just chill out and take it easy. Work really hard on your self care regime right now, do what makes you feel good without resorting to getting high.

I gotta go but Ill post back soon. Keep your head up. Your got this!

Thank you TPD! You're right, I do need to get to basics. I knew it was going to be a problem after scheduling the surgery. My addict brain was so excited and obsessed with the prospect of painkillers. I told my doctor that I was a recovering addict and didn't want anything too addictive, to try to ensure nothing bad went down. The first pain killer he gave me did nothing, so I wanted something different. At that point he asked what I wanted, he was willing to prescribe anything - that did a number in me. I requested tramadol thinking it was the lesser of evils and I was in horrendous pain. I think after ruminating and anticipating the dopamine response of painkillers, I became impulsive just trying to get that fix, hence shopping. I know I'm hard on myself, I think that's part of why I became an addict. I think there are other things I about this experience I handled well, like not getting strong opiates. I also quit the tramadol last Friday as the pain lowered a few levels so it was tolerable. Considering I have four broken bones and some hardware installed and have had to walk around from day one of surgery, I have maintained. Of course they still hurt and I don't think anyone would judge me too harshly for being on pain pills, I am proud that I am just living with the pain and instead of using it as a reason to relapse, so there are some positives though the positives aren't going to cause me to relapse like the negatives will, which is why I'm focused on the negatives lol. You're so very right about getting back to basics - very sound advice. I appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback. I've needed it, and probably should have made a post last week but was too embarrassed to. While my husband supports me, he is not an addict so he doesn't see the issue in my behaviour or mindset, and he can't relate or recognize the danger in my recent thought process or actions.

It gets better. I too can be impulsive. My impulse generally has to do with emotions. You have OCD as well. Don't beat yourself up if you were trying to get relief from intrusive thoughts.

You are lucky to have an understanding husband. Good job on cancelling the credit card. I would suggest doing the therapy. It has been very helpful for me. You are not a waste of space. Get that out of your head immediately. You made a mistake, that is all. The good thing about making a mistake is that it is a unique opportunity to learn something about yourself.

One thing that has worked for my impulse control problem is writing things down before I do them. Quite a bit of the time I would say things I didn't mean, or say things I mean in a very harsh tone. Writing things out as a letter to myself really helps me to either justify or control the degree to which I do things.

@tpd: The beginner's mind thing is a great idea! I am going to use that. Sometimes I forget why I did this all in the first place.

Wow - what a great idea - writing stuff down before acting. It sounds so simple and yet so powerful. Yes, in the future I will do this. My OCD is taken quite a hit lately - I started a new job two months ago. I hve already alienated a woman I have to work closely with, she is clinically OCD as well and her OCD opposes my OCD so we drive each other bat shot crazy, however, she doesn't work on her OCD so it's out of control. It's been a great experience to learn about myself and gain different perspectives by watching her and dealing with her. I have a much better understanding of what people experience dealing with me. In this short amount of time I have learned how to better control my OCD as being able to observe herbal taught me more about my triggers and reactions. My anxiety was high for a while, but I'm learning more efficient ways to recognize my triggers before there is a phisiological response.

And btw lMoreaux I apologize for my inappropriate remarks a few weeks ago that I guess was me hitting on you unintentionally. I was totally fucked out of my brain on entheogens and lonely I imagine. I hope you start feeling better soon. We are always here whenever you need us!

I didn't notice you making any inappropriate remarks, but I'm pretty oblivious to people flirting with me lol. I have never been able to pick up on stuff like that which made for entertaining but awkward moments in my youth lol. Though I love sarcasism and British humour, I'm a very literal person which has also made for many entertaining and awkward moments

A painful example was when I was refinishing a table I found that was put out as trash, to use in my first apartment ( I was 18 and poor). A friend told me I needed a lot of elbow grease to get the job done, turns out Lowes, Home Depot, and the other hardware stores in my town don't sell that. Fortunately a kind young man explained the phrase to me at the fourth store I tried. Though I felt silly, I couldn't help but to laugh - hell, I still laugh about it now 22 years later lol.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Good I didnt mean to flirt with you, but a few people pointed out to me that was what I was doing. It happens when you take powerful psycadellic drugs.