How to deal Psychic baggage/mental clutter?

[chief ten beers]

I've been dealing with something that I couldn't quite put my finger on but I finally have. As someone who has reached middle age, and very unhappy where I find myself at this stage of life, I'm just plagued with regret. So much so that I think it's holding me back from any more enjoyment that life has to offer. It's quite apparent that my best days are behind me now, there is nothing left to discover to get excited about and life doesn't offer up any more carrots to pull me onward. I'm now confronted with a very unhappy present and constantly kicking my own ass for fucking up so many opportunities that were given to me and asking myself how much longer I can go on like this. I wouldn't mind dying but am too chicken to go there by my own hand. My dance card is filled, the die has been case and like George Carlin once said regarding American life but his words ring clear for my own personal "life it's not going to get any better so don't look for it, be glad for what you have." Well yeah I'm not out on the streets(yet) but I don't exactly wake up with a spring in my step. I feel like I've got all of negative programs running in the background cluttering up my present, too much psychic baggage and too much regret to really get on with the last season of my life. Overall I fucked up in the course of my life and it feels like a sentence I have to serve to keep on going on. If I could do it all over again I surely would but we don't get a do over in life. I blame drugs and alcohol, if it wasn't for that lifestyle my life would have went in a much better direction but that's the way it went.

 

[Ligaturd]

You can make amends with the past, even if you don't necessarily do it with the people involved, you can confront it on your own and forgive yourself. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the past as it doesn't exist anymore. It's your perception whivh is holding you back. It is so much easier said than done but maybe look into reading buddhist philosophy and implementing some of the ideas presented within. Your past doesn't have to define you and once you are able to let it go, you can take that weight away. You will have much more control over your mental state.

Drug addiction or even drug use can take a toll on your mind. It can compound these mental problems for quite some time, even after you quit. Being sober for 6 months to a year, you will find it much easier to deal with these issues. Once your brain is more in its natural state, once it has reached a state of homeostasis you will find that optimism will be much easier to attain for you.

There are many different ways to accomplish this and I wish you all the best in life. I am learning to let go of all of the things that have held me back in life. It has been extremely painful but so worth it.

 

[Moreaux]

^ great advise and very true.

I have kicked my own ass for the wasted opportunities and poor choices for so many years and it only makes life worse. You need to stop thinking of the past and live in the present and plan the future. You say you can't start over, but why not?

I'm almost forty and I am in the process of figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. Since getting sober, I have no other choice but to start over. Drugs and alcohol have taken a toll on my mind. I am a software engineer by trade, I never really cared for it, but now can't really do it because of the damage done from substances. I'm sure I can go back to school and relearn it, or I can go back to school and persue something I am passionate about. I am choosing the later. I haven't decided yet, but I will do something different.

You say the best of life has passed...if your youth was anything like mine, and I suspect with drugs and alcohol it may have been, what exactly was so great that you want now? I personally didn't enjoy youth - I was addicted and always broke, I alienated people with my drug use, and I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do in life so I moved from one thing to the next. The only thing I miss about youth was I much more attractive then, but beauty is not everything. Mentally and physically I feel better now than I did, and I finally know who I am as a person. I don't know where I'm going, but I know the future is full of opportunity and excitement as long as I remain optimistic, healthy, and open. I find that to be exciting. I think you need to reevaluate your attitude and start brainstorming what you want the rest of your life to be like. You control your destiny, only you can make it exciting and invigorating. You are being limited by your outlook not your age. You have to dig deep to overcome your fears and learn to be comfortable in your skin. It may take time and may be painful, but it is totally worth it. Good luck - I wish the best for you!

 

[herbavore]

I think one of the worst things about addiction is the way that it takes people that are already besieged by negative thoughts about themselves and compounds that with layer after layer of regret and shame. It's pretty hard to let all that familiar thinking go but that is the only thing that is going to rescue your life. It took me well into middle age to finally have even a modicum of self-acceptance. I was not even aware of how deep the self-judgments ran until I finally decided to confront them. Most of us relate to ourselves like overbearing parents--we find constant fault and blame ourselves over and over for the slightest shortcoming. What if you transform that method of relating to yourself to one of being a friend. A friend may carry the same judgments but rather than criticize and blame a friend would encourage and convey acceptance and overall, patience. Most of us develop feelings of unworthiness over the years growing up. We live in cultures that value all the wrong things, in families that are made up of hurting people that in turn hurt each other. We go to school and learn prescribed ways of being that just perpetuate the whole mess. And then, when all that fails to magically make us happy, we blame ourselves. Maybe that blame becomes addiction, maybe it becomes some other form of mental slavery (and there are truly so many forms!).

Start by asking yourself what you want. Most of us want love and we want ordinary peace. If you can get rid of the fatalistic trap that your mind is setting for you ("It can't get any better. " or " All my best days are behind me" you can start to shift away from the psychic 'baggage' and create yourself anew. I believe that the love and peace we want is created, not found.

I heartily second Ligaturd's recommendation to look into Buddhist philosophy. A lot of the concepts took hold for me and shone some light on how to change my thoughts--very practical.

 

[chief ten beers]

Thanks for the reply's guys, yeah I think one of by biggest impediments is I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I wasn't really a bad guy but I'll admit to being selfish and self absorbed. But alcohol and drugs played a major role in that, I just didn't deal and was largely 'not present" for many years. My failings as a son especially haunt me, both my parents are dead now and I can't make amends there, but I have to my ex wife. At this stage of life I seem to be constantly bombarded with thoughts and scenes for my past where I often find myself saying, often out loud, what an asshole I was, this happens a lot lately. It's almost as if I'm going through an end of life review while still alive, something thought to be reserved for a person whose in the process of dying. I do have a spiritual side and have explored Buddhism and other esoteric practices which I'm trying to get back to but my head hasn't been very fertile soil for that as of late. Well I'm trying to take it day by day, hopefully I can process all this baggage and come to terms with all these unresolved issues, I hope so anyways.

 

[Cdkman]

I find in the process of living some people gain more self awareness and it is overwhelming because your perception changes and u see all the actions in your past that u would have done differently ..the past is not real so don't carry around with u..when u let go of all that regret and realize u are not in control it is so freeing..u take life as it comes and move on, enjoy just being..your reactive mind is holding u back because it analyzes every possible outcome..control your expectations of where u should be in life and realize all that crap is not real..there is not a plan that everyone has to live by..

the book "the power of now" really helped me..when I had my ego death on a bunch of acid mdma and shrooms I learned that as u peal back your ego and all its beliefs there is still a spark of consciousness..if u believe u made all the wrong decisions of course u will be filled with regret..perception is everything..why do u feel they where wrong decisions..u never know what would of happen

 

[chief ten beers]

I find in the process of living some people gain more self awareness and it is overwhelming because your perception changes and u see all the actions in your past that u would have done differently ..the past is not real so don't carry around with u..when u let go of all that regret and realize u are not in control it is so freeing..u take life as it comes and move on, enjoy just being..your reactive mind is holding u back because it analyzes every possible outcome..control your expectations of where u should be in life and realize all that crap is not real..there is not a plan that everyone has to live by..

the book "the power of now" really helped me..when I had my ego death on a bunch of acid mdma and shrooms I learned that as u peal back your ego and all its beliefs there is still a spark of consciousness..if u believe u made all the wrong decisions of course u will be filled with regret..perception is everything..why do u feel they where wrong decisions..u never know what would of happen

Oh I read the power of now and and had a major shroom trip afterwards, as a result I had a major spiritual awakening. I remember saying to myself I'll never be the same again, but that experience has since worn off and all old the egoic machinery eventually fell right back into place. Maybe I need another one of those but I'm hesitant to now, as it might be too heavy on my head at this point of my life. I'll probably ball my eyes out, in fact I know I would. I do feel like I need a cleaning though, a deep psychic release to flush out all the junk that's lodged deeply in my subconscious and holding me back from enjoying life again. You asked why were they wrong decisions? Because they were driven by selfishness, I could have been a better son, a better husband, a better family member, a better friend. I was too wrapped up in selfishness and substance abuse to realize the harm I was doing. And now I'm alone for the most part, I do have friends and family still but it's not the same. I don't exactly know how to process all of this now that I can see, I spent over 20 years in haze and now I'm paying for it. Anyways thanks for listening guys and for your valued input.