I don't know if you know, but I spoke to her royal Sadieness the other day briefly, and we're good.
Now, please do not take this as my trying to excuse myself. SHE said it did excuse it, although whether wholly or partially I do not know, for it was unspecified. That day, I was seeeeeerrrriously shitboxed, hammered just isn't the word. I'll leave the 'menu' until this post be finished, for its kinda extensive. Sadie may think it excuses, I don't, and I still have not forgiven myself.
I hope with this next thing I have to say, that it crosses no lines with her, for I truly do deeply care about her and her well-being. (plus, do give her my regards as you'll doubtless speak to her before I next do) and tell her I ask about how she is feeling, and if she's yet de-snifflicated.)
I cannot explain the reasons, but they are there nevertheless. I honestly, I care about sadie, enough that were a thug wielding a blade to lunge for her in my presence, as I told her myself, I would willingly step in the way. There are maybe three to four other people on the face of the entire planet that I would do that for. My ex fiancee, the younger one of the two, A seriously cute autie/MR girl that is known by a nickname generally, although I won't even speak that nickname, nom de plume though it merely is, on here, her, I am in love with. Like, seriously nutters for peanutthefuckbutter for that girl. For my stalker, T-K, and for both aliengirl, and The Rettdevil.
Sadie, is added to that list. For these people, I would give my life willingly. No others (sorry sham, I don't mean to be rude there in that list being as small as it is. Nevertheless I'd still of course do my utmost. For sadie, organ transplants, if she ever needs one, contact me and I will have myself tested for histocompatibility (no need to worry about blood type, I'm type O. Although I don't remember my rhesus factor.
I can't help my feelings. But, because they exist, that also means, that even if Sadie were today, this very minute, behind your back sham, and I know she wouldn't, I speak merely hypothetically, I could not bring myself to take the opportunity, even though it would be...well...a dream come true. The reason for this? is because it would come between the two of you, disrupting the close bond you both share. I couldn't do that to her, and by extension, to you either. Any friend of Sadie's is on my good-egg-list, until proven otherwise for a sodding well good reason. Any enemy of hers, well lets just say that I am very, very creative, inventive in the extreme, and I do not have limits imposed by societal morals. So the foes of this wonderful, amazing, special lady, they better make damn sure that Sadie never comes to me and asks for assistance in committing pesticide. If she or you ever do need such assistance in the commission of pesticide then I will require assistance in regards to transportation, otherwise, just name the target to be taken down.
I'd not take advantage of her even if I could, because disruption of the mutual bond 'twixt her and yourself, sham, that would bring unhappiness to her. And to you, And I could NEVER, not ever, forgive myself if I were the cause of her suffering in such a way. I know Sadie (she told me) has forgiven me, I don't know about you either way, have or have not. But regardless I still have not forgiven myself; There is very little I wouldn't, and won't do to bring a smile to her face, joy to her existence, and light to her life. The ways I possess to do so may be limited, but what needs doing, should doing such be needed, I will do. Name it. You name it, or Sadie herself name it, and it is done. Should I have the physical capability to do whatever the 'it' may be, then it, is done.
As for the list of what I was on that day. well...
Morphine, can't be entirely sure of the dose since I kinda fucked up my scale and it was unreliable and needing replacing anyway, then the filth totally fucked it. It is beyond any use now. Spilling thionyl chloride over the thing didnt do much for its health to start with, but when I got raided by the bacon recently they must have done something to/with it because it won't even turn on. Or rather, what's left of it won't. Not that surprised considering how much the filth despise me. Pigs hate my guts and probably want me dead. Can't prove it but pretty sure they had a crack at setting up a chemical timebomb of sorts intended to set off all the volatile solvents in the lab, all the flammables general 'stuff', reactive this, that and 't'other, set up a bunch of alkali metals right next to bottles of THF and diethyl, diisopropyl ethers moved from their positions in the lab reagent and solvent stores, caps taken off the diethyl ether, diisopropyl ether, and the alkali metals all left in the center, with the uncapped bottles of ethers placed aound and next to said alkali metals. This whilst I was in the pig shop, and father moved out of the house by force. I don't know how in hell's unholy name that arrangement managed in whatever way to avoid igniting the EtOEt, diisopropyl ether and THF, nor acetone, xylene, tolly and other things besides. Shit, not to mention phosphorus, that wouldn't have been pretty had those ether and THF bottles gone up in flames, it would have for sure spread throughout the lab, the metal powders would potentially have caught fire, nitroalkanes of course won't be too pretty if left in the center of an inferno, and you don't have to be a chemist to know what phosphorus does if exposed to a bloody flame!
SOMEHOW the damn house survived, as did my beloved pride and joy, although with some glass damaged and some broken, nevertheless when I came back home, to a house empty of other family members, the entire place had such a strong smell of ether, every last single fucking well room in the house STANK of diethyl and diisopropyl ether, acetone and THF.
Took me ages to clean up and vent the place, get the fumes out, and for about two to three days...well...I say days, but most people's days are my nights, I'm nocturnal, as nocturnal a night owl as nocturnal daylight-hating night-owls get. So I'm up during the night and asleep or/and gouching out on the sofa during the daytime taking catnaps interspersed with periods of activity when woken or after waking, such as of course, practicing my arts alchymycal, occasionally eating, drinking, taking a slash or pausing from my scientific pursuits in order to exchange for a moment, laboratory for lavoratory, because even I, must eat, and what goes in, must later result in my having to open the ol' chocolate starfish and send a Theresa May on a one-way jaunt to china, travelling via submarine.
They smell better than the ground on which her cloven hooves have befouled mind you. At least they do unless I've drunk a bottle of DXM cough syrup and the sorbitol in there has given me the Tony Bliars (spelling of surprofanity quite intentional) because for some reason dex syrup diarrhea theresa may squirts smell truly abominable. Smells like Allah, probably doesn't taste like fuckin' chicken. (I've never understood....anything culinary of an odd nature, it always has to taste like chicken...)
Anyhow I digress. Also in my system, aside from the somewhat short of a gram of IV sulfate of morphia, and the both morphine base, and dipropionylmorphine propionate/caffeine HCl mixture (doesn't vape great btw, I think I'll need to try mixing the prope dope freebase with a little caffeine base.
Had between 3-4x4mg tizanidine (zanaflex, its similar to clonidine, an adrenergic autoreceptor agonist, although less profoundly hypotensive, I guess it might have less affinity for imidazoline receptors than clonidine does, but its less hypotensive, less potent by weight but a FAR more powerful myorelaxant, first time I ever tried it intranasally, 2mg had me nodding out as hard as I have done on IV alfentanil. Got somewhat of a tolerance to the stuff now though since I haven't got any choice but to take it daily, 4mg tabs 5x a day sometimes use more, for muscle spasticity due to some damaged nerves, thats left me with something in a manner of speaking, akin to a degree to cerebral palsy, only the aetiology is localized in my case rather than central, nerve damage sending constant signalling ordering for muscular contraction but no countermanding of said order, no relaxation after. Constant, unending and shockingly painful muscle spasm is the result along with spasticity and stiffness. If it wasn'nae for the tizanidine and a fucking shitton of, as one former doctor now retired, I used to have put it, angrily at my main personal GP for giving me so much on repeat script, 'elephant fucking painkillers, you pharmaceutical dustbin' (and thats his words, not mine
) painkillers. They've had me on codeine, then DHC, then DHC-XRs because the short action of dihydrocodeine meant I got constant peaks and troughs in my plasma levels of the DHC, meaning I was going into withdrawal every few hours and couldn't ever get an entire night (or day, rather, regular people's days, I mean( asleep since the WD would wake me. Tried me on oxy, as OC80s few times a day, then tried me on fent patches, but I was back the day after collecting my regular miniature personal pharmacy, begging to be put back on (didn't actually ask for, but nevertheless got...haha damn docs there cannot count to save their lives) a second, or possibly third script for the oxycontin, because I went right back in the next day begging for it back instead of the fentanyl, I don't much care for fent, its kinda crap. Short acting, cold, clinical, not particularly euphoric, little rush when shot IV and both raises tolerance like you'd not fucking believe, plus fentanyl has as big of a hard-on for tachyphylaxis as tony bliar has for being a lying, moneygrubbing, mendacious, thieving full-of-shit cockmouthing neurotypical war-criminal piece of dog shit made flesh. With an ugly cunt to end all ugly cunts for a wife too. Fentanyl is the tony bliar of opioids. Remifentanil is worse though, a pricktease if ever there was one. In, out, don't even get to shake it all about. ULTRAshort acting, a couple of minutes at most. Sufentanil, only had it a couple of times so can't really fairly make my mind up about it since I just have not enough experience to go on. Not in a massive hurry to try it again though, if I am honest...quite simply, 'meh' is the word that springs to mind about sufent. Alfentanil however I actually enjoyed. Lofentanil was proper nice, but I do not recommend it to most people, since it is very, very potent by weight. If you have not a huge opioid tolerance, and if you haven't got lab experience CAREFULLY handling toxic compounds, avoid lofentanil, its despite being a fuckton more pleasant than, all the same, far more toxic than VX, or even the novichoks. If I was gonna die, I'd far sooner a lofentanil OD than getting hit with VX, sarin, novichok agents etc. etc. of course
Anyway, other shit in me at the time, a bunch of clonidine, about 600mg chlormethiazole freebase, couple of 5mg moggies (mmm...I wurrrvezez me some moggies. Don't give a shit for most benzos but nitrazepam is on my list of good shit and is automatically the first benzo on my list for the rare, rare times I ever approach a physician for a benzodiazepine script. And if they are willing to give benzos but refuse me moggies, then it'll be loprazolam I ask 'em for. Long acting, sorta hypnotic, very anxiolytic, not oversedating, very enjoyable for a benzo. Not to be confused with lorazepam, which is pretty shite unless you are having a seizure and somebody is administering something to stop it. Otherwise lorazepam is more or less on a par with a frozen dog cum popsicle that has been inserted briefly and before melting, withdrawn, from Cherie Bliar's noxious, wizened, dessicated, frightful little anal sphincter.
And had had to go back the day I made the post Iam hereby apologizing (again) and yes, meaning it, thoroughly, as much as I have ever, meant anything I ever have spoken, to sadie, for. Had to go back on the gabapenturd. Stuff messes me up proper, I hate it. Plus I don't know how much, courtesy of aforementioned both thionyl chloride-ated and enporcinated scale. Or rather, what was at some point in history, a miligram scale and is now a blob with bits of rust here and there from SOCl2 ground zero
, on a fuckton of meth. D-meth, good shit from a birch, so nice and cold rxn conditions and the person who cooked it and gave me some, did not cut it. Guy spent months slowly, slowly xtyl'n the stuff until it earned the name 'ice' perfectly. Even *I* say this particular clan.chemist can at times be a LIIIITLE bit anal retentive about his perfection in his work. Not that I'm complaining, as that meth, lets just say, I've seen crystals a half inch thick and several inch long, that were, before we chipped off bits, something we both were loath to do to such meticulously and painstakingly made effort. I honestly did hate to break a piece off the fat shard given me, fucking thing was as clear as the glass of the monitor from which I am currently viewing BL BL-BDD to make this post
And damned if I didn't get through the entire thing that day. Not a cut in sight, and to boot, both as compulsive, as as strong as fucking all hell let loose. Strongest ice, and most gorgeous xtyls I've ever toked upon or slammed into what remains of my vasculature (THANKS a bunch, 3-MeO, 3-OH, 4-MeO-PCPs, MXE, and various other ket and PCP analogs in vast quantities IV'ed. Did a proper number on my veins just from the large number of repetitive pokings with a 28ga point. Not to mention doing same after having just come out of a deep, deep motherfucker of a hole, with the lights barely visibly on, my depth perception shot to shit, and my having at the time, having my being to motor coordination what deep-sea gulper eels are to the operation and the finer points of the technical principles of operating a cyclotron.
And to ice the cake on the drug consumption menu that day, both IV prope dope and some that had been made smokable. I THINK that is it, or most of it, most of the centrally acting psychotropic meds anyway, not counting the likes of cimetidine for my stomach, gaviscon, ondansetron, hyoscine (scopolamine) butylbromide, scopolamine transdermally and other crap I need to stick down my fucking throat to stop my stomach belching forth a tsunami of digestive acids and proteolytic enzymes. Acid reflux blows goats and swallows. It has got to the point where I'm due to be checked out for stomach cancer.
Sham, in short, as I have not done so already, I apologize to you. And Sadie, I am sorry, I apologize for being in love and I apologize for the way that my, not the love, but the lust manifested that day when I wrote THAT post. If you were before me, I would go down upon my knees whilst apologizing, and humbly, with all the care and love the world has to offer, begging for your forgiveness. I feel awful that I've had a part to play in bringing so much as the merest scrap of unhappiness to your wonderful, sweet, amazing existence.
Yours, sadie, sincerely as ever words have I spoken, typed, or signed, you have my deepest and most heart-felt apologies.
And sham, sorry man, I really, really am, you won't have me cross that kinda line in that way at such an amplitude again. Apologies t o you also.
And lastly, but by no means least, please do give my warmest regards to your special one, and tell her I hope she's feeling better from her case of the sniffles. And give her a hug, make her feel good on my behalf, tell her if there is anything she needs, to not be shy about naming it, and send me a PM to specify her requirements. I am at her service.
And sham, again, sorry mate. If I may be so presumptuous as to ask you directly for an answer to this question-are we good, you and I? I do not want to make an enemy of you, and I don't want you pissed or hating me either. For any friend of sadie's is on my inverse shit list.
Again, yours,
L.R.
