Recently I have not been feeling myself. I feel very strange and I am very worried about what is going on in my head. I am going to vent as I keep too much in and try to give as much relevant info here as possible.
A little about my background:
My father walked out on my mother not so long after my sister was born three years after me as he no longer felt anything from my mother and also believe he had lost some interest in us (his children). A year or two later my mother begun seeing my stepfather, I remember first meeting him and going to his parents house and playing on the computer then him gradually moving in not long later, he played more of a role than my biological father who I fortunately am still in contact with but see very rarely, usually for birthdays and Christmas. Sadly I've struggled to properly connect with my step father and even my biological father but I think this is understandable given the circumstances. My mother and step father have had two children together and we are all still living in the same home together. I have had a good up bringing, my mother and stepdad have always cared well for me and have been concerned about me as a child growing up through school which I will talk about now.
Throughout school, not as much primary/elementary school, but MUCH more so in secondary education I had always failed to connect with kids around me and build meaningful friendships, I guess I was/am different to other children out there, maybe weird interests/traits, anxious at times, my accent is a lot off compared to other people in the area which holds a strong dialect, I played with people in primary school but often bounced from friendship to friendship or just played with whatever other child fancied hanging around with me in the playground. Secondary school was much, much worse though, almost right of the bat I was subject to some horrible bullying that mad me feel worthless and still cannot forget to this day some times, I never built a meaningful friendship until my later years of secondard school which I will talk about later. Anyway, I was called names, sometimes physically assaulted, rejected by my peers, teachers even seemed to be uninterested in me sometimes. Sometimes I may have gone home crying or tried to blag days off sick because I REALLY didn't want to go to school beacuse I was unmotivated and was in for absolute hell sometimes.
I had a rather traumatic event happen in my first year when very ill after eating some dodgy food one day that would effect me severely for the rest of my school life and potentially afterwards too, I was given a horrible nick name that was passed down and down the years to the next generation of kids and I NEVER heard the end of it, week upon week. I still think of it to this day sometimes and it annoys me. I often done silly things in school which lead to my mum/stepdad being called into the office, like letting off stink bombs, silly graffitti in textbooks, much more really, messing round, but nothing ever dangerous, malicious or harmful to others, but naughty nonetheless and these actions sometimes got me in trouble. I don't know why I did these things but they often involved doing them with other kids so I am putting it down to a cry for attention and acceptance from others. It wasn't until year 10 (second to last year of school) where I made a REAL friend, we were never apart and we still aren't to this day, it was great to finally be accepted by some one, he is my best friend and I love him loads and appreciate every bit of time I spend with him, I just wish that I could express it more some times which leads me to my next point; EXPRESSION AND EMOTION.
Over the years I have became kind of cold emotionally and have for almost as long as I can remember struggled to express myself, probably because of past shit that has happened to me holding me back. Austism is suspect too, it exists in the family and I have been tested for it and have shown minor signs but nothing to suggest it is definite. Sometimes I feel as though I don't recognise emotions, sometimes they are there but are usually very dull and I often won't react to them. I find it hard to express myself too and tell people how I REALLY feel. Bit of a recluse and very socially anxious especially after high school. I struggle to build relationships with others and now I'm starting to feel as though I am struggling to maintain them. Going to the gym and cycling last year helped but yet again I've fell into a rut going into winter, involving laziness, low motivation and cannabis abuse.
Drugs... I first tried drugs around 4 years ago, I smoked cannabis and got scared and was put off it. I then tried it again some time later, I'm sure sure how long but it was a while and really enjoyed the feeling of being high, after that I used occasionally, not very much at all. Slowly cannabis use built up slightly but nothing too alarming. After a trip to Amsterdam I feel a got a little too interested and use increased but still, it was not being abused. At this point in my life I felt fairly good but still had my issues with confidence, expression and emotion. I begun to dabble with other drugs, I've used MDMA a few times, most recently 2 weeks ago after a very long period of abstinence but it was never regular as I've never been too fond on it, speed/aphetamine powder (nasally) a few times, last time was almost 2 years ago and NEVER AGAIN, along with a small handful of LSD & mushroom trips. I took another trip to Amsterdam in September 2015 and since around then I had been smoking cannabis almost every day of the month up until a trip to Italy the day after having MDMA. Since this I made the decision to abstain cannabis use apart from one smoke with a friend (I was sober for days and felt great then the weed sent my brain absolutely haywire) as I fear it's effecting or may have already seriously effected me and I've been feeling very very weird ever since. Mostly since the MDMA I'd say.
I have held a job for years but it stresses my out quite a lot some times and I would like to go back into education for a degree. I studied the wrong thing in college and I feel it was just to be with my best friend.
I am experiencing:
Disassociation/depersonalization
Disorganized, but have always been somewhat disorganized and a bit lazy.
No motivation
A feeling of emptiness, little or no emotion most of the time, happiness, sadness, the lot.
Social withdrawal, somewhat harsh.
I've been playing out conversations in my head.
Sometimes feeling a little tense and jumpy.
Increased forgetfullness.
A cluttered head which feels cabbaged.
Things just aren't as funny as they were a couple of weeks ago.
An occasional burst of energy and emotion where I feel amazing and talkative and confident.
Some of this I've been feeling for a while, but much, much more so in the recent weeks.
I am going to be seeing my doctor and plan to take what I have typed here with me to get my point across properly, and aim to be referred to a psychiatrist who is able to properly talk to me and analyse what might be going on in my head, but it would be great to hear some experiences and advice from you guys. Maybe someone can help me shine a bit of light on the situation. I feel that all this may just be a result of cannabis withdrawal as I begin to get used to reality without being high, but strangely I feel little desire to have a smoke because I actually kinda of WANT to stop and I'm doing very very well so far. I just pray I have not induced some form of schizoid personality disorder.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long but it feels good to vent, and thank you very much if you have taken the time to have a read.
I just hope this is only temporary and will fix itself as I reintegrate to reality rather than getting stoned.
A little about my background:
My father walked out on my mother not so long after my sister was born three years after me as he no longer felt anything from my mother and also believe he had lost some interest in us (his children). A year or two later my mother begun seeing my stepfather, I remember first meeting him and going to his parents house and playing on the computer then him gradually moving in not long later, he played more of a role than my biological father who I fortunately am still in contact with but see very rarely, usually for birthdays and Christmas. Sadly I've struggled to properly connect with my step father and even my biological father but I think this is understandable given the circumstances. My mother and step father have had two children together and we are all still living in the same home together. I have had a good up bringing, my mother and stepdad have always cared well for me and have been concerned about me as a child growing up through school which I will talk about now.
Throughout school, not as much primary/elementary school, but MUCH more so in secondary education I had always failed to connect with kids around me and build meaningful friendships, I guess I was/am different to other children out there, maybe weird interests/traits, anxious at times, my accent is a lot off compared to other people in the area which holds a strong dialect, I played with people in primary school but often bounced from friendship to friendship or just played with whatever other child fancied hanging around with me in the playground. Secondary school was much, much worse though, almost right of the bat I was subject to some horrible bullying that mad me feel worthless and still cannot forget to this day some times, I never built a meaningful friendship until my later years of secondard school which I will talk about later. Anyway, I was called names, sometimes physically assaulted, rejected by my peers, teachers even seemed to be uninterested in me sometimes. Sometimes I may have gone home crying or tried to blag days off sick because I REALLY didn't want to go to school beacuse I was unmotivated and was in for absolute hell sometimes.
I had a rather traumatic event happen in my first year when very ill after eating some dodgy food one day that would effect me severely for the rest of my school life and potentially afterwards too, I was given a horrible nick name that was passed down and down the years to the next generation of kids and I NEVER heard the end of it, week upon week. I still think of it to this day sometimes and it annoys me. I often done silly things in school which lead to my mum/stepdad being called into the office, like letting off stink bombs, silly graffitti in textbooks, much more really, messing round, but nothing ever dangerous, malicious or harmful to others, but naughty nonetheless and these actions sometimes got me in trouble. I don't know why I did these things but they often involved doing them with other kids so I am putting it down to a cry for attention and acceptance from others. It wasn't until year 10 (second to last year of school) where I made a REAL friend, we were never apart and we still aren't to this day, it was great to finally be accepted by some one, he is my best friend and I love him loads and appreciate every bit of time I spend with him, I just wish that I could express it more some times which leads me to my next point; EXPRESSION AND EMOTION.
Over the years I have became kind of cold emotionally and have for almost as long as I can remember struggled to express myself, probably because of past shit that has happened to me holding me back. Austism is suspect too, it exists in the family and I have been tested for it and have shown minor signs but nothing to suggest it is definite. Sometimes I feel as though I don't recognise emotions, sometimes they are there but are usually very dull and I often won't react to them. I find it hard to express myself too and tell people how I REALLY feel. Bit of a recluse and very socially anxious especially after high school. I struggle to build relationships with others and now I'm starting to feel as though I am struggling to maintain them. Going to the gym and cycling last year helped but yet again I've fell into a rut going into winter, involving laziness, low motivation and cannabis abuse.
Drugs... I first tried drugs around 4 years ago, I smoked cannabis and got scared and was put off it. I then tried it again some time later, I'm sure sure how long but it was a while and really enjoyed the feeling of being high, after that I used occasionally, not very much at all. Slowly cannabis use built up slightly but nothing too alarming. After a trip to Amsterdam I feel a got a little too interested and use increased but still, it was not being abused. At this point in my life I felt fairly good but still had my issues with confidence, expression and emotion. I begun to dabble with other drugs, I've used MDMA a few times, most recently 2 weeks ago after a very long period of abstinence but it was never regular as I've never been too fond on it, speed/aphetamine powder (nasally) a few times, last time was almost 2 years ago and NEVER AGAIN, along with a small handful of LSD & mushroom trips. I took another trip to Amsterdam in September 2015 and since around then I had been smoking cannabis almost every day of the month up until a trip to Italy the day after having MDMA. Since this I made the decision to abstain cannabis use apart from one smoke with a friend (I was sober for days and felt great then the weed sent my brain absolutely haywire) as I fear it's effecting or may have already seriously effected me and I've been feeling very very weird ever since. Mostly since the MDMA I'd say.
I have held a job for years but it stresses my out quite a lot some times and I would like to go back into education for a degree. I studied the wrong thing in college and I feel it was just to be with my best friend.
I am experiencing:
Disassociation/depersonalization
Disorganized, but have always been somewhat disorganized and a bit lazy.
No motivation
A feeling of emptiness, little or no emotion most of the time, happiness, sadness, the lot.
Social withdrawal, somewhat harsh.
I've been playing out conversations in my head.
Sometimes feeling a little tense and jumpy.
Increased forgetfullness.
A cluttered head which feels cabbaged.
Things just aren't as funny as they were a couple of weeks ago.
An occasional burst of energy and emotion where I feel amazing and talkative and confident.
Some of this I've been feeling for a while, but much, much more so in the recent weeks.
I am going to be seeing my doctor and plan to take what I have typed here with me to get my point across properly, and aim to be referred to a psychiatrist who is able to properly talk to me and analyse what might be going on in my head, but it would be great to hear some experiences and advice from you guys. Maybe someone can help me shine a bit of light on the situation. I feel that all this may just be a result of cannabis withdrawal as I begin to get used to reality without being high, but strangely I feel little desire to have a smoke because I actually kinda of WANT to stop and I'm doing very very well so far. I just pray I have not induced some form of schizoid personality disorder.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long but it feels good to vent, and thank you very much if you have taken the time to have a read.
I just hope this is only temporary and will fix itself as I reintegrate to reality rather than getting stoned.
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Maybe I am just having a few off days though... I feel like it might be withdrawal still, mostly the nicotine... I guess I'm still adjusting to a cleaner life. I feel good for getting this out though. I will battle on, only time will tell.