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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

almost 2 months off opiates and im still worthless

I'm so sorry you're going through this... just like I, and many of us, the love of your life happens to be something that cannot stay in your life. It's depressing and feels like there's no reason to live because we will never be happy without it. I clicked on this thread because I am in active addiction to intravenously using heroin and I want to stop this endless cycle of lying, stealing and being totally broke. I had my first overdose the day you posted this thread (april 28th), i was brought back by NARCAN. My 23rd birthday is this week, I have a 3 month old son (who was born addicted to subutex, not heroin thankfully) and I have not a dime to my name. I pawn and panhandle for my money. By the grace of god, I still have custody of my son (not for long living like this). Needless to say, I need to stop and I am scared of losing my other half (heroin). I don't want to be in a constant state of longing, I'm terrified to feel like you're feeling right now. I am productive on H as well, it makes me a happy, interactive mommy that can get anything done.

You've gotten some good advice through this thread, it made me feel a little bit better reading these responses as I hope it did for you. But it is hard, very hard. You're not alone. Best of luck, man.
 
It's a sacrifice you'll need to do for yourself and for your son. A lot of us have gone through this and come out okay.
It all depends on how much you want it. Fight for your life man! You can do this.
We have a lot of threads that will inspire you and you can ask questions in our recovery TDS threads, sober living, mental health. Do it now! Deep inside you know you just have to say goodbye to your 'other half'. There's no other way.
 
Sorry, I be been away from this thread for a few days and a lot of good stuff has been said.

First, benzos really degrade the quality of sleep you are getting. I ran on autopilot for the 10 years I was on them. Since getting sober, I get phenomenal sleep now, granted, not enough but I am so much more lucid. I didn't realize the magnitude of disruption benzos caused to my sleep patterns while I was actively using them. I equated passing out quickly to good sleep. Of course, the amnesia they cause could be a factor in me not remember if I slept lousy lol.

Second - when I was your age I was terrified of beginning my career. I was so scared that I procrastinated in school and ended up with a BS degree because I was scared to be trapped in a field I didn't like. I have a degree in philosophy, which does nothing for my career. Because of my indecision, I fell into software development accidentally - I have an aptitude for computers and logic. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because of my drug use, I couldn't keep a job longer than two years and burned many bridges by just quitting. Though I'm finally sober, I am
Having a hard time finding another development job in my area because I have lost a lot of my programming skills, again due to drugs, so I feel obligated to go back to school, which is a lot tougher now that I'm married and have a mortgage, and working full time. My advice to you is to resolve the drug problem now, and make that you're priority. Once that's resolved, soberly consider finding a career that you ENJOY and gain a sense of fulfillment from. consider your interests and how you want to focus your life. Don't focus of the money aspect as I have learned it really has nothing to do with happiness. I know people will disagree, but I found that money only buys freedom and will not eliminate insecurities or make up for the fact that you're making great money doing something you hate. There is no rush for a career right now, take your time developing a solid plan.

When you get sober expect times to be hard for a while before they get better. It's important to keep a proper perspective when you're feeling anxious and depressed, that these feeling are part of recovery and will get better. Unfortunately, everything takes time - just endeavor to persevere.
 
x_benzo_girl said:
When you get sober expect times to be hard for a while before they get better. It's important to keep a proper perspective when you're feeling anxious and depressed, that these feeling are part of recovery and will get better. Unfortunately, everything takes time - just endeavor to persevere.
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This!
 
will update this once i get done today. it will be extremly busy causse of a final i couldnt prepare for. will get back asap Veggiekitten its never too late.
 
pillman1224 said:
the exercise thing, i made that decision my 8th day off. and have been working out as much as possible with proper routine. i cant go to any doctor because i will not have the word addiction in my file. and for anyone thinking its cause i wanna use later. no actually i told my mom if im in an accident to tell the docs to use toradol. versed wouldnt be bad either. as of right now i cant lose my benzos. and i can count on one hand the amount of times ive used benzos for a "high" they are for sleep.
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How are you now [MENTION=1879]Pillman[/MENTION]? How was it with the finals?
Hope you are doing well.
 
shit i just saw this and with everything forgot sorry guys. passed all classes and in 10 days im taking the lifeguard training course and have a job waiting soon as i complete it. guess im not as worthless as i thought lol. hey at least i proved my dad wrong.
 
I'm glad to hear that pillman! :) No, you were never worthless. Congrats for your achievement. Great news!
 
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