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What's your story? Could do with some advice/experience.

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Stuck_x

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2016
Messages
47
Hi guys I finally decided to register & join it rather than reading through posts day after day.


Im not really sure what I expect this will achieve but im hoping it helps in some way.


A bit of background... My mom was an addict & eventually OD'd in 2008. She was an addict all through my childhood from the age of 6ish.


You'd have thought seeing her suffer would keep me away. Not so much.


I spent all of my teens popping pills, sniffing coke blah blah I would say my problems with opiates/oids started around 5 years ago when my 5 year abusive relationship got too much. After a year of 'dabbling' i ended the relationship & got on subutex maintenance.


My first withdrawal wasabout may of 2014, i decided to take a job in the Middle East & obviously needed to get off the shit. Long story short, the experience lasted 3 months & i came home. Stupidly started smoking H again 'to treat myself'


Decided enough was enough & stopped in feb 2015.


March i found out i was pregnant & managed my mental health issues with counselling & fluoxetine (prozac)


Had my beautiful baby girl in November & was the happiest ive ever been.


December 30th 2015 was the worst day of my already shit life. I lost my baby girl to SIDS. I wanted to go with her, had it planned to the very last detail.


So started my H smoking again. 4bags a day the highest ive ever done. This went on for about 6 weeks before I thought enough was enough. Done a rapid subutex taper as well as takingg my prescribed lorazepam (ativan) it was horrible, something ive never experienced before complete with hallucinations.


I became terrified of the lorazepam (think i withdrew from that but after only 6 weeks use)


So, i ended up in the psyc office & told them every thing. I need to mention my mom & brother are diagnosed bipolar. I was prescribed quetiapine(seroquel) a low does of 50mg as i was going to thailand the following week. The initial appointment was with a nurse, ill see the psyc in a couple of weeks but it's likely to be a bipolar diagnosis & they'll likely want to up the meds (which I doubt ill be taking as i only take 25mg as it is as im terrified of being on them indefinitely or enduring their withdrawals)


So, i got through thailand with alcohol & approximately 1mg subutex inthe 2 weeks which i hadnt taken for 5 days when i got home. Then i was really stupid. I started taking oxycodone. It varies, between 20-70mg a day, mostly averaging 30 & its been 2 weeks on Wednesday. I know i will have to withdraw again as about 18 hours after my last dose the yawning, aches & snottiness begins.


I know i need this shit out of my life again but it really helps my anxiety, depression & gives me energy to do things, even getting out of bed.


The physical withdrawal still very much scares me but more so i think is staying away after. I am very much grieving the loss of my beautiful girl & still have times i wish i had gone with/instead of her. I have tried to throw myself into my spirituality, going to church, development groups, reading & seeing various people for readings etc but its not enough. I see the pysc in a couple weeks & hopefully will get some counselling or CBT.


Anyway, sorry for the long post. Like i said at the start, i dont know exactly what im hoping to achieve with this post, but I know i spend the majority of my days reading through the forum & admire people here so much. I guess im looking for success stories/peoples advice?


Im considering going to a drug clinic again and seeing if there are any NA meetings in my area. The thing stopping me is that my psyc want work with me if im using & i am very much aware my mental health issues are the reason for my use.


Anyway, thanks for reading if you're still here. Looking forward to hearing some of your experiences/advice xx
 
Have you considered methadone? You seem to benefit from a full agonist over a partial agonist like buprenorphine, plus the control clinic enviroment can really help with stabalizing your use/life. If you can deal with the bullshit of the highly regulated clinic enviroment the medication can be a god send, especially if you also suffer from mental illness. Tackling one problem at a time is infinitely easier than two huge ones at once like addiction and bipolar (are you type 1 or 2?).
 
How came everyone with bi-polar disorder suffers also from some kind of addiction?

I am sorry for your loss. I can't figure out how I would keep on going if something would happen to my daughter.

I used oxycodone recreational along with legit use for back pain and now I am in middle of tapering down from 140mg daily use.

Before I was diagnosed having bi-polar type 2 I recreationally used pretty much anything I could get my hands on (benzos, ambien, codeine, ritalin etc.) and then I eventually got a drug which maintains my mood (Abilify) and I stopped using drugs recreationally. I have pretty much never used alcohol except for one or two glasses of wine or similar amounts a week which is weird considering that at the same time I used those drugs.

I would say that getting diagnosed with it was the first time I did reality check with my drug use and got clear with help from professionals and a two week rehab visit.

Then few years from that I got back problems again and oxycodone was readily available from Drs so I started again taking it recreationally but managed to keep it max once in a week for recreational use although I was using it daily for pain.

Now I am on 70mg per day at my tapering program and I haven't taken no more than my daily intended dose for seven weeks. Not a single benzo or sleep aid except melatonin or any other CNS drug either. I am feeling weird since as at the same time I can look back how much drugs I have been taking but still I don't feel anxious or anything although I am sorry for myself for spending so much time dabbling with recreational drug use.

Luckily I haven't done anything stupid such as colliding someone with a car, wasting my savings or such.

Now I have seen and heard so many horror stories about drug use that if I get through multi year poly drug use without any significant damage at all I'll swear that after my tapering is done I try to do everything so I won't touch any drugs at all with recreational intents and will weekly devote some of my time to help others to quit or prevent others from starting.
 
Stuck_x, you have suffered incredible trauma and your life will forever be a process of learning to carry and shed that trauma, to both embrace it and free yourself from it in ways that only you can come up with; but that does not mean that you cannot find a life of peace. One thing that will be most important for you to heal is to not stay struggling on the surface--either with drug use, with healing the pain of your childhood or with your relationship to the profound grief of losing your baby to SIDS--but to find someone in a therapeutic role that you can go deeper with. Our bodies hold pain in ways we cannot even see. One of the things that insidiously develops is self-blame and guilt and shame at our very core. Children of addicts develop shame ("if I was good enough my mother would not need to do this"), drug addicts have deep shame ("why do I make these choices?") and parents that have lost children have shame("if I had been more alert, more attentive, my child would still be here"). I lost a child and no matter how much my rational mind tells me it was not my fault, there is always within me that easy slide into blame and the resulting shame. You need to have both courage and compassion for yourself now. It may be helpful to find a support group with others who have lost babies to SIDS. You are a very strong person though you may not be able to see that right now. I wish you all the strength and love in the world.<3
 
Hi Stuck,

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine that kind of pain. I'm sure you need to process that over years of therapy. My best friend lost her daughter in a crazy, makes no sense accident, and 6 years later, she is better; she still has bad days, but enjoys life. But therapy played a key role in that. If regular therapy isn't available to you, do keep checking in.

As for bipolar; my husband is bipolar 2, and it took a while to get the cocktail of meds right, but he lives an amazing life now. He exercises regularly, which for him is key; otherwise he will burn out with excess energy. He also plays guitar and meditates. He also stopped drinking three years ago. He was self medicating, and was drinking WAY too much. And with his tendencies, he is all or nothing, so chooses nothing, which works for him. When he needs a break, he gets high. He takes Seroquel, Lamotrogine and Clonidine.

I hope you you find some peace, and please check in and let us know how you're doing.
 
Just a piece of shit who is going to end up homeless someday. but I still cannot stop doing drugs. I hate it.. why did things have to be like this.
 
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