Everyone,
Guess I fell back into radio silence for a spell there. I had a full time job that came to fruition immediately after reconnecting back within the BL forum. Hence, I neglected my post and decided to focus on working. Let it be known that I'm still on the lope, albeit on a low dose [for me]. With the new job prospect I stuck with a daily, sometimes every two day consumption which would end in a WD struggle after about 24 hr's time. My doses ranged from 100mg to 300mg max [on average I'd say 200mg] instead of the constant 400mg I was accustomed to in my loperamide hayday. If you've been following along you know that I can't mega-mega dose over this because it literally weakens my muscles to the point that I can't lift anything heavy without them giving out (scary, I know).
So, I found a job which was dirty work and hard work in a local restaurant. I'm being paid pretty damn well, I haven't made the wage I do now for years. I actually love it. Everyone there compliments me on my hard work and I fit in perfectly. I've received 2 pay increases in a wee amount of time for my excellence. Another prime opportunity is that I have been able to stay with my gf at her place, walking nearly 3 miles to work and then another 3 home in the night after my shifts. Last week I even submitted my application to be an occupant under the leaseholder (our roomie).
Fast forward to the night before last. I took 150 mg of lope a few hours before work and tossed a number of gabapentin down my gullet shortly thereafter. I worked until about 11 and when I got off there were upwards of 300 people partying at my work as they had a band for Halloween and a costume party. I decided to indulge in some holiday drinking. Well, my gf was mad that I did and when I returned home in the wee hours I found the door to her room locked with no way for me to get in and pass out. What went from knocking just loudly enough in hopes that I could wake up my girl to let me in and not disturb her roomie turned into me becoming upset and kicking a hole in the door and cracking the damn thing nearly in half. I was yelling and being a drunk idiot.
Just my luck her roommate, who grew up in the Philippines, in a home with some extended family...has PTSD due to an uncle which had a BAD drinking problem and would become violent when he was off the wagon and break down doors and, I assume, assault him. Welp, yesterday morning I woke up in WDs and with a hangover the likes of I've never experienced in years to my gf and her roomie telling me I needed to pack everything and leave that instant. I felt so incredibly shitty from the booze [mind you I don't drink often and when I do it isn't heavily] which was compounded even worse from WDs beginning to set in that I left the house with only the clothes on my back that were dirty and smelly as hell since I had worked in them the evening before. I thought, big deal. They'll get over it. I'll buy a new door and things will get back to normal. I got in the car with my gf and she asked, "So, where am I taking you?" I told her that her guess was as good as mine. She began to drive towards San Francisco. I had $40 in my wallet and not even a cell phone. I broke two iPhones in two weeks and have been waiting until my check on the 5th to buy a new one. We get to the city and I tell her to drive the street where I would buy dope. When we get there I tell her to wait, I'm going to buy drugs. She tells me HELL NO, but then quickly recants and agrees that it's ok. I figured she wanted me just out of car so she could cruise off, so I wised up and say I'm not gonna let her leave me in the city with just the clothes on my back.
Next, we end up in a town that I once called home and I had her stop at a smoke shop. I jump out and buy expensive head shop kratom. *POOF* my 40 bucks nearly gone. I had no desire to go steal lope as I usually do. I felt so anxious, hungover, lope sick, depressed, angry that I had no desire to risk getting arrested for theft in my current stage. The kratom helped...but this morn' I woke up in my lady's car back in WD town, population 1: ME. I convinced her to let me sleep in her car after she said she was willing to buy me one night in a hotel and I responded by saying to save her cash.
I forgot to mention that we drove around aimlessly without me making any decisions and just waiting to feel the situation out and see if maybe her roomie would at least let me have the day to pack my shit and get everything in order or even stay overnight and then leave. FUCK NO. That dude, who I have always been 100% chill with and gotten along with nicely thinks I am now the goddamn devil in the flesh. I was his abusive drunk uncle in his eyes and me even being outside his apartment will put him in a frenzy. We ended up back at their place and she ventured inside to talk to him and his Mommy (he had his Mom drive up from out of town to aid in the situation). Next thing I know my girl and the roomie and throwing every item of mine into her car. A huge cluster fuck without any idea where anything of mine is. The roomie IS PARANOID AS FUCK from the PTSD and I managed to trigger him without fail. I don't what happened to that guy in the past, bad things though...def' some very bad things. My gf and I used to joke about his preoccupation with home security to the point that he gets scared if the tiny bathroom window on the second floor is open and not locked [as if someone would ninja climb up the side of a building and manage to contort their body to fit in the impossibly small window]. Well, he did live in the Philippines which is crime ridden and he did have an abusive inebriated uncle --- he told me a while ago that his family hired an armed guard because of this. He made sure everything of mine was out of that house, activated his Xfinity home security, changed the locks, and said if I ever come around he'll call the cops. Just from this isolated incident. He thinks I am going to come back and kick in the door and rage or some shit. It's almost funny because I am actually a subdued guy and not scary at all, I would never go somewhere I wasn't wanted. I shouldn't have drank and broke that shitty, cheapass plywood interior door. I shouldn't have been yelling either. Ugh.
Now I am homeless. No car. Not even a cell phone. I do not have a single soul that could help me out if I wanted to. No couches to crash on. Not even a tent or sleeping bag to hobo it up with. Since moving to CA 3 years ago I have bounced around between 4 towns and never made a single friend that I didn't work with. My parents cut me off last July so I can't count on a bail out of any sort with family. Oh, and those wildfires have left thousands in the area without housing. It's near impossible to find a room right now, shelters are full, and I have way to much shit and no where to put it. I don't get paid for a week. Since I lack a phone I'm currently sitting in a Starbucks while my girl works utilizing wi fi. I might be able to get into a detox center soon. Fingers cross. That's one thing I have going for me [remember: my gf doesn't know I use lope....not even after being together for damn near 3 years.] I'm not one who could survive a Nor Cal winter on the streets with just a backpack...If I had my car I could at least get by until something comes along and be able to continue working.
Yep, homeless now. No one to fall back on. No transportation. No phone. No cash for another week. No idea what to do, no will power to battle through this really anymore. Not to mention that I have a lope addiction to somehow keep at bay [slammed a jacked 200 ct bottle as soon as I could this morning when my girl came to the car --- which was required to be parked waaay down the street by the PTSD roomie. If things don't change I've decided to buy a ton of H, poke a vein, and end my life. Prob will hit up a pawn shop and, regretfully, sling my new $1,200 bike for a regrettably small sum just so I can eat and get by tomorrow.
Life, man. Life.
