Mental Health World destroying mxe trip left me feeling semi insane 3 weeks later

[Ohwelllll]

Hi all, i'm new here, really just out of desperation at the moment cause it seems really hard to find out.

I don't want to go too deep but 3 weeks ago I had a serious mental break from taking 1g approx mxe and coke. I went insane, through eternal hell in my head whilst my body seizured around the room screaming and smashing things (friends were present, i had zero recollecton).

Basically reality broke and it took me since then i keep drifting into the most HORRIFYING disassociated states and psychosis where i realise the world isnt real, etc, i cant even type too much about tje feeling, talking about it is making me extremely uncomfortable now. This then follows by an extreme anxiety attack which basically doesnt stop until I have taken some benzos prescribed by a dr.

I am living in a constant state of fear of falling back into this state, fear of triggers of this eg. Music, films etc. Anything can seem menacing or other worldly.

Some days I feel fine, mornings I am generally fine, but thoughts spiral as the day goes on and these world shattering disassociated states and anxiety attacks where my feet prickle and legs go numb, heart rate increases, start shaking etc, they are still randomly occuring 3 weeks after.

I saw a psychiatrist and she was helpful, the benzos helped, but coming off them i get the same problems. They signed me off because my symptoms had improved so much but now its re occuring.

Advice please if anyone has has similar extreme disaccoative trips that they cannot fully escape from after so long. Terrified its never gonna change.
Really please some positive advice and realistic opinions of whether anti psychs or anti depressants might be in order? I've improved hugely from a week ago and I guess maybe a step forward and a step back for the past week, really just want my old self back though.

I've been acting normal and going to work most days, generally i seem like i'm keeping it together, but in my head i'm a real mess. For the record I haven't and wouldn't fuck with drugs again!!!

To clairify, my main problem is im having trouble truly coming back to reality, have a strong sense of reality not existing, just wanna come back down to our reality. The feeling is so strong sometimes i think my mind is going to snap.

Sorry for the long read, am rambling thoughts, but I know the people on here can be experienced and supportive, and hopefully once I recover I plan to offer the same help and advice to people cause its an extremely lonely place.

Peace peeps

 

[IKnowStuff]

Hi. I actually joined just to reply to you. I couldn't help feeling for your current state of mind. The kind of derealization and depersonalization that you're experiencing can be extremely frightening and you probably feel like you're constantly looking over your shoulder in case it creeps up on you again. You will be fine. You may recover so quickly you surprise yourself but don't freak out if you think it's lasting a long time. I am more of a lumper, not a splitter and while you think what you have is some exotic awful psychiatric disorder, better to simply accept that you have a temporary anxiety disorder. I think you SHOULD keep in contact with your psychiatrist. Benzos are great but if you're taking on a daily basis, you can't really take them for more than a couple of weeks, but in the short term an as-you-need-it prescription is probably what you need. You may well need an SSRI or something in the medium term for anxiety but not sure, hence you need to let your psychiatrist know all about your symptoms and what's going on in your head. Maybe a short term anti-psychotic would indeed help but not sure. Again, your psychiatrist will know. 100% you need to update him/her unless you recover spontaneously. Cognitive behavioural therapy might even help. Bottom line is you will be fine. I know exactly what you're talking about and describing and I understand the fear you're living with. I think professional care (nothing hardcore like inpatient treatment) is necessary - without treatment you will probably recover 100% but treatment in my opinion would speed things up.

 

[Ohwelllll]

I appreciate this post so much 'iknowstuff' thankyou massively.
Its such a lost and insane feeling, it's really hard to describe to someone who doesn't have some kind of experience.

The general understanding of bad trips and psychosis feeling from the mental health workers, support teams etc seems to be that of hearing voices, paranoia, suicidal thoughts etc. I've found it hard portraying the profound horrifying feeling that the world is about to dissolve.

Its almost like thought tourettes, and once ive thought of it my mind goes down a very weird path. And flashbacks to the trip experience feel so real.

Your post has really, helped me a lot, one of my biggest problems is I keep convincing myself that it's never going to end, that ultimately I'm just going to snap. The reassurance and understanding is massive for me.

Will definitely take your advice on board, I'm really new to any issues of this kind, so will research a bit more into ssri's.

Thanks, feeling a lot more positive now.

 

[Moreaux]

Hi OP. Back in 2010 I was going through some pretty bad benzo PAWS and decided to do some mdpv with a friend who had some. I had never done it before, and wasn't a huge stimulant person prior. He and I did about a gram during the course of the afternoon. I normally don't swear, but that shit fucked me over like nothing I had ever done before. My vision was yellow tinged for days, I was totally disassociated from my body, reality wasn't real, I was existing in a state of psychosis, and was literally unable to string together a cohesive sentence for about a week. It was the worst I had ever felt, and the anxiety was through the roof. I had so many siezures. I had several grand mal siezures, and the residual partial seizures. My antisiezure meds didn't even stop them, benzos weren't an option as I hard quit them and wasn't going to go through that withdrawal again. I was eating Indural and trazodone like candy to little effect. It got better with time. It took about a month and a half to get back to normal. This is probably not what you want to hear, but I recommend drinking a lot of water, eating the healthiest you ever have in your life, and finding a good organic multivitamin. If at all possible, try to excersize and get enough sleep. Doing those things will help your body tremendously in the healing process. If your doctor doesn't want to keep you on benzos (good choice btw) see if you can get a prescription for Indural (propanol). It's a beta blocker that should help keep the anxiety at bay. It's safe and not addictive. I wish you the best of luck - give it some time, it will get better.

 

[LookingForSelf]

Im sorry your going through this right now. My first episode of psychosis was most likely from the coke and weed combo i did that night along with no sleep.

Its true when they say you need sleep or bad things can happen so I say be proactive about getting sleep. Research "sleep hygiene" on google and follow the advice even if your sleep is ok it may help improve it to the point you never have to deal with insomnia.

Make sure you eat and drink water too because that is also a trigger for psychotic states. I would go without food for a day or two and symptoms would exacerbate. Its weird its like my body developed the ability to not need food. But this is an illusion. Im not the only one that recommends this as Ive heard it be said before.

Sleep, food, water is just what Id recomend along with whatever other help you find.

Things will get better.

 

[Ligaturd]

It will pass. I went on an insane binge of this and 3-meo-pcp a few years ago. I was pretty much using every day for about 4 months. I had depersonalization/derealization, my mind seemed to stop working for a couple months after. I utilized Pramiracetam to speed up recovery from that episode and it allowed me to start feeling grounded again, AMPAkine's seem to be capable of reversing some of the effects of dissociatives even blocking a lot of the high if you use it with Ketamine or MXE. It is completely recoverable however. Just be patient, if you are having delusions just confront them and don't be afraid to ask questions and see what is real or just perceived. It's tough but just remain patient and know that it WILL pass and you will be normal again.

MXE is insanely addictive, I tried some recently with the intention to just use it as an anti-depressant. I did a couple doses and flushed the rest. I was just honest with myself and knew that I would only end up going on a binge and ruin my transition onto relative sobriety on Suboxone. The intention was to do a couple hole doses and utilize the anti-depressant glow that follows but this chemical is way too addictive to be able to maintain control and use it responsibly. I used 100mgs of 2 and a half grams which cost me a bit of money at the time but it was most certainly worth it to flush it. There are many people out there who can use and put down drugs with their own free will but that definitely is not me. I'm really glad that I did flush it.. NMDA antagonists do have an amazing capacity to relieve depression. I have a friend who underwent supervised Ketamine transfusions for his tratment resistant depression and after 3 sessions in 6 months, he no longer is affected with depression. These were 1 hour blood transfusions so the dose is monitored and just enough is used to have the intended effect and the effects are long lasting and there doesn't seem to be any upkeep needed. If one continued to abuse drugs afterward they would likely encounter depression again.

While these substances have amazing healing potential, the dose makes the poison and abuse can have the opposite effect. Time and just finding ways to remain grounded and understand what is irrational and what is not. If you absolutely cannot stand it than anti-psychotics may be able to help you, they come with some potentially horrible side effects but if you need them, you need them. If it is just temporary damage from methoxetamine abuse than it will pass and medication may not be necessary but in some cases dissociative and psychedelic drugs can awaken latent mental illness but only time can tell if that is the case. The benzodiazepines were probably a bad idea because once you get dependant on them, coming off of them you will have worsened anxiety so you also have that to contend with. It definitely didn't help your situation. You could try something that Works on GABA but isn't necessarily a narcotic for relief from thise symptoms, Ashwaghanda root extract is a light anxiolytic but it will provide some relieef without causing dependance.

AMPAkine Racetams are what helped me when I experienced this problem after my massive binge a few years ago.. Racetams seem to block the effects of dissociatives while using bith at the same time. This has something to do with AMpA receptors and NMDA antagonism. I had reasoned that it would help with my depersonalization ad withdrawal from dissociatives and it seemed to help tremendously for me. I used Pramiracetam which is a much stronger ampakine than what I am currently using, Aniracetam but Aniracetam may be more beneficial because it's metabolite n-anisoyl-gaba acts as an anxiolytic as well. It could help you achieve more lucidity as well as help abate the anxiety and frustration/bewilderment that comes with derealization/depersonalization.

I hope this helps somewhat. I have been in this same situation before and this is what helped me.

 

[Ohwelllll]

Thanks benzo girl, what you went through sounds horrific, i dnt know how u coped for that long? these 3 weeks have felt like the longest of my life.

It's one thing talking to psychiatrists but its really so much more reassuring relating to someone whos experienced something similar. Been feeling pretty hopeless, completely alone. This is making me really feel like i'm not going crazy.

I'm gonna get back to my GP and get some more help. I didn't like the diaze too much, it felt amazing, but after a short low dosage, i had really weird withdrawals, had some very strange sleep paralysis and anxiety seemed worse.

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is when I have the insane thoughts they make more sense than the real world, really having a hard time convincing myself I'm back in the physical world.

Cant tell you how much these replies have helped though, just the hope that I wnt be like this forever is making me feel so much more positive.

The healthy approach sounds good to me, I have no desire to fuck with my mind anymore. Ive noticed even a cup of tea (caffeine) induces me at the moment. Avoiding alcohol is probably going to be tough but I guess its necessary for a while.

Thanks so much

 

[Ohwelllll]

Ligaturd this is great, I know in these situations theres soooo much more information online then you can get from any one source.

I'm so glad i posted this. My situation was we thought it was ket, and my friend recommended ck (coke ket). Anyway turns out it was mxe, and that combining it with coke is notoriously a bad idea, the stimulant and disassociate completely fuck your body.

Initially, i noticed the bed became minute, the size of a stamp and i thought woah i've gone deep. Then all i can remember really I experienced my soul dying and being ripped apart eternally, over and over, and re appearing, was pure hell, talking about it is making my toes tingle. I was screaming and fitting around the room apparently, smashed myself through a load of glasses, just fucked.

When i came back i couldnt see, half the world was missing, my brain was going a million miles an hour, i was fighting myself not to throw myself off the balcony to end it.

There was no seam between the trip and reality, it was seamless from the insane world to now, which i think is part of the problem. And i think my brain just keeps revisiting that place or having PTSD.

I'm feeling a lot more positive now. It seems to hit me in weird waves out of nowhere. Mornings i generally feel normal then I just overthink as the day goes on and by the end i'm a shaking wreck.

Thanks for all this advice

 

[Ohwelllll]

How easy would it be to get prescribed ampakime racetams from a psychiatrist? I've been finding the knowledge of disassociatives with some of the mental health workers i've dealt with so limited. I'm hopeful that something will work for this, so glad to have these options, i've been thinking anti-psychs might be the only choice.

So glad there is an actual term for derealisation. Felt like I was the only person in the world who felt like it, even now thought I find a part of my brain 2nd guessing that perhaps this whole post / replies is just a fabrication of reality, not a healthy way to be thinking I know.

 

[Ligaturd]

I have always theorized that hallucinogens and dissociatives, even stimulant psychosis could cause PTSD. I had a mushroom trip when I was 15, I ended up sitting outside completely gone from this world. I had what I thought was every single moment in history from the perspective of every single person that had ever existed, playing at impossible speeds in my mind. I had reasoned that I was the dame cosciousness and had experienced everything before and that this life was pointless so I should just kill myself. I had an extreme suicidal depression for months after that episode. I did recover eventually but the experience was quite traumatic and it stayed with me for months.

Perhaps the same therapy methods to treat PTSD would help you or others in similar situations? Are you sure it was MXE? Methoxetamine lasts 4-5 hours and is 5 times more potent than Ketamine. It also doesn't completely immobilize you when you are in an M hole like an anesthetic dose of Ketamine would. Regardless of what it was, dissociatives most certainly can cause what you are experiencing. Combining it with a stimulant like Cocaine may have exacerbated this and make the loss of reality that much more intense. It's sort of like you have to ground youself and pick up the pieces again as you've lost the plot a bit. I don't know if you smoke weed but that is definitely something you might want to avoid as it can worsen your condition.

It's really scary and debilitating but confronting the irrational fears and anxiety, not wallowing in it or favoring it is key. It will get better slowly iver time. Drinking alvohol to cooe is an understandable impulse but in the long run it is just a band aid and hinders progress. If it doesn't seem to be getting any better in a few more weeks then maybe it is a good idea to try an anti-psychotic. Anyways, just try to remain aware and objective and be patient but know when it's time to tap out and pull out the big guns (anti-psychotics).

 

[Ohwelllll]

I can relate to that feeling of the mushroom trip completely. Mind loops and nature of inifinity are something I experienced once from a nos trip and suddenly became super succeptable to.

I'm shocked you weren't scared to death to ever mess with your mind again after that but i guess curiosity gets the better of us.

Im really horrified of going there again, I definitely think regardless of the outcome that this is an end to my experimentation process.

Hopefully the anti-psychs wnt be necessary, i mean i am functioning, but but these derealisations are so random and overwhelming that when they hit sometimes it feels like there's no going back? Like i could just deteriorate if i let it.

I've been through bouts of smoking weed daily, quit before xmas as that was something which started turning sour on me mentally, would defo not turn to that.

Thanks for the support, you're really a good person, everyone on here is to offer me help, it has made a huge difference to how I feel and gives me some options when i was feeling pretty hopeless.

 

[Ligaturd]

I'm experiencing psychosis like symptoms but it's more due to anxiety and frustration from being mislead by everyone I know. People I trusted decided to lie to me, instead of telling me the truth they went to everyone I know, even my doctor, and at the NA meeting I go to and had them lie to me as well. It's affected my mental state quite substantially. At first I thought I was schizophrenic. People wouldn't do this after I told them how much it was bothering me and it must be delusions. I started asking people about it and they sort of denied it. I called them on it and they all said "whatever. It happened. Just let it go". People can be driven crazy and experience derealization from just being lied to and mislead completely. There are many things that can bring on this anxiety and questioning reality and the feeling of non-reality. I am positive some threads on Bluelight were made as well. I showed this person a thread I made on here. They kept telling me I was delusional and suggested I take Anti-psychotics and then I started seeing threads on bluelight made by people who registered that day talking about all the things I was struggling with and how anti-psychotics would make them better. It's pretty fucked up but I guess recovering from it all amounts to the same thing, just being able to simply see what is real and what is not real and therefore accept what's happening.

All the places I went to for help and support were sabotaged, my talking to my addiction doctor and telling her the truth about what is happening illicits a reaction of disbelief from her and she just laughs it off. I heard them talking about what had been happening, the people I had been having troubles with and the mention that I was probably doing research chemicals which I would never do to compromise my current situation, when I was sitting in the wait room before my appointment. This shit causes me to feel unsafe and question my sanity. I asked my doctor about it and told her I thought I might be schizophrenic, she denied it but then said I definitely wasn't schizophrenic and just to accept what has happened and not think about it. She said I can dwell on the past or just accept it. Shit is fucked up. Just actually hearing the truth and knowing for sure what has been happening would relieve so much stress from my mind.

Sorry to ramble on ypur thread it just reminded me of this.

 

[Ohwelllll]

So you're still having problems ligaturd?

I know how u feel, talking to a rude condescending mental health worker or just being looked at blankly when I was explaining how I felt to A & E staff at the hospital escalated my delusions, derealisation hugely. Finding every advice line I could find and every place I could turn being closed or no longer in service etc was making it feel like i was in a bizarre trick.

I think this is why it get's worse as the day goes on, general seemingly normal things seem to taunt me and a voice in my head questions how that could possibly not be some sort of sick weird trick of non-reality. Then finally my brain will click over and I'll have a profound de-realisation which is impossible to rationalize.

Will try to see a doctor today, I guess having benzos as a short term back up is probably neccessary for now and hopefully I can get put back in touch with a mental health team and get psychiatric advice as the urgent care team discharged me as things had improved so much.

The fact people can relate is really helpful, make's you feel a lot less insane and alone.

 

[Ohwelllll]

Been to my G.P today, she's prescribed me with citalopram anti depressants. I told her I'm not depressed but she said they will help my delusions. She was quite dismissive and wasn't really listening to anything I told her, had to repeat myself a few times, not sure whether I should just start taking them? I've never been depressed or really had mental health problems before with drugs so I'm just wondering if this is going to take me down a permanent road, or start a new problem?

Have been prescribed to a psychiatrist but it's gonna take a while as its British NHS so everything is on a long waiting list.

 

[Moreaux]

I'll start off by saying that I'm very ignorant to the detailed inner workings of the brain, but it seems like you through something off - either damaged some recptor function or depleted some vital neurotransmitters. That being said, if you didn't need antidepressants previously, it may do more harm then good in the long run. You feel like crap now, but it should be getting better over time. However, if you take antidepressants, while they may make you feel better in the short term, they will prevent your brain from fully healing to baseline, and depending on how long you stay on them, you could be in for an uncomfortable withdrawal when you decide to come off them. Just thought I would throw that out there, and again, I'm am ignorant in this area so I could be wrong. I just know that I have not had the best experiences with short term antidepressant use, and feel that I would have been better off just riding the storm out than adding something else into the equation that made it more problematic in the end.

 

[Ohwelllll]

Do really appreciate your reading this and input, i think u might be right. I've picked up the anti-depressants but im massively debating taking them.

Googling them has literally brought nothing but reports of problems, which I would tolerate if it helped the derealisation, but without even seeking out this specific topic i've found a thread that specifically describes how they brought a huge onset of derealisation for one person, which is what im horrified of intensifying.

My main concern at the moment is this huge gap of probably a few weeks between being able to speak to a proper psychiatrist, and having to just cope as i am. Thats why i was tempted to just give them a go.

Only thing that really seems to help at the moment is this clonazepam, and obviously the diazepam, which i now only have bloody one left of and i'm discharged from the care team. And i seem to be pretty sensitive to them as i only took them for a few days and when i stopped the side affects were really noticeable.

 

[Moreaux]

I suspect you may be sensitive to many pharmaceuticals right now lol. If you run out of benzos and they have been helping you may want to try a strong kava extract. I keep one on hand for emergencies and it almost feels like a benzo. I've been using a brand Gaia, which can be found at vitamin shops and places like Whole Foods, at least in the states, not certain where in your area. It sucks you have to wait so long for your appointment. Stay strong!

 

[Ohwelllll]

Yep not sure how long its gonna last but one cup of tea and I'm leaving reality!?! I'm gonna go look for some today. I'm extremely apprehensive about taking these anti depressants, literally struggling so hard to find anything positive about them. I've just been taking a 500microgram of this clonazepam whenever the attacks or the weird over thinking hits me and it really helps to bring me back down but I'm on my last one now, hopefully can find this Gaia. Thanks benzo girl, really hope this shit passes soon.
Hope you're well, appreciate the support, talking to other people who experience this or can sort of relate is really a huge help to how I'm feeling, even if a bit of me is questioning the reality of all of this, Thanks though.

 

[Ohwelllll]

Bloody misread this, was out lookin for 'gaia', will try again tomoz specifically for kava extract! I'll update here just because even one persons reply really helps me at the moment, basically couldn't get more benzos so just taking promethazine over the counter, it's generally just the night time I really start to have the deep insane thoughts and need to take this. The promethazine is helping for now anyway. Haven't taken the SSRI's yet cause I am scared how theyre gonna affect me and would want a psychiatrist to specify rather than just my GP but I might just give it a go as the week goes on.

Peace peeps

 

[Moreaux]

Forgot to mention this earlier, you may want to try a suppliment 5- htp. It's a precursor for tryptophan, and should help your body manufacturer serotonin. Hang in there - you will feel better.

ETA - make sure you read the reviews on the kava brand you select before you purchase it. There are some good ones that work great, and there are some that do nothing :/