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March Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. Spring is Here!

Bottleofsun said:
I od'd on oxycodone a couple of days ago. The person I was with kept me awake, stopped me choking on my own vomit. I was puking for 36 hours. Kept nodding out too hard..the usual od crap. Of course no one would get medical help, I really thought it was the end.
I am done. I had kicked h and oxy, was my first relapse after 10 days straight cold turkey. I don't want to die. I'm too old for this, my body can't take it Fuck I just want my kids to love me again.
My boyfriend's response to I'm done was "yeah right, till next time".
I just want to be me again, but I don't know if there is a me left without opiates now.
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I'm glad you survived, and I hope this has strengthened your resolve to stay clean. <3

simco said:
damn, Bottleofsun, that was shitty what your boyfriend said to you. even if it takes multiple tries to do it, you will shake this, and i bet you'll find that you're still very much intact and present. everyone reading this thread has your back.
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I don't think it was shitty, it's probably how he really feels. When you're not an addict, and you're in a relationship to someone who is, it's very frustrating, and you begin to realize they'll never break free of their chains, or the odds of them ever doing so are so slim to none that optimism is foolish to present to the other person.

I do believe that the partner should be supportive though, and perhaps bottleofsun would fare better being single while trying to stay clean.
 
He's been very unwell with a stroke and brain tumor. We are an old druggie couple, I won't leave him. I don't blame him for giving up cleaning me up. He's clean now.

I'm just going to have to do this because I want to. Because I'd love my kids to want to know me, to apologize for letting them down. I want to make amends.

I don't have another year in me if I don't clean up. Ill be dead at 41. I've survived this long, but it's taken a huge toll on me.
 
Bottleofsun said:
He's been very unwell with a stroke and brain tumor. We are an old druggie couple, I won't leave him. I don't blame him for giving up cleaning me up. He's clean now.

I'm just going to have to do this because I want to. Because I'd love my kids to want to know me, to apologize for letting them down. I want to make amends.

I don't have another year in me if I don't clean up. Ill be dead at 41. I've survived this long, but it's taken a huge toll on me.
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Doesn't the issues with him stress you out? Do you think perhaps that it led to a relapse?

I ask these questions because I've been in bad relationships before, and trust me, you need to be single if a partner is causing you to relapse, or is triggering you.

You have to put yourself as #1. Addiction is a disease, and you need the best prognosis possible for recovery. <3
 
The relapse was due to me being an addict. I'm doing better. I think I scared myself straight. He needs me, I'm his carer right now after his stroke.
I got thru the worst of withdrawals, I'm not even drinking. I think I can do this. I've made 22 years of abuse, with a few breaks. It's time to try living. I'd love my family to like me again. I'm even making AA meetings. Thank you for the support.
 
Bottleofsun said:
The relapse was due to me being an addict. I'm doing better. I think I scared myself straight. He needs me, I'm his carer right now after his stroke.
I got thru the worst of withdrawals, I'm not even drinking. I think I can do this. I've made 22 years of abuse, with a few breaks. It's time to try living. I'd love my family to like me again. I'm even making AA meetings. Thank you for the support.
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stay strong <3
 
Be careful to not set yourself up for failure by having expectations about your family. They may never want to be around you again. I know there are people in my life that can't stand me because of the things I have done. I am sober now and they still don't respect or care for my company. Just know that you are beating this addiction for you and fuck all what everyone else feels about it. It is way more important for you to like you than for anyone else too.....that is just an added bonus when you get sober.

I am glad you survived your OD. I know how terrifying they can be. I would highly suggest going to a doctor and getting a full workup. It is better to be safer than sorry.
 
POkemama... good to hear from you. I hope you've been doing well. Did you fare better than I did since we were talking last year?

Meanwhile, today marks one week on Zubsolv for me. I had a *few* moments wondering if I could get high through the meds. But those vanished quickly.

Happy 2-day late equinox, everyone!
 
Very challenging day for me.

I am determined to stay clean though, even if I have to do it alone.
 
I'm sorry you are having a tough day, Capt'n. I'm drinking, but stayed off the opiates.
Stay strong! Being alone is so hard.
 
What made the day so challenging? I'm not sure any of us are stronger than our addictions, but you seem to have developed a healthy dislike of what heroin does to your life and body.
Baby steps, don't put too much stress on yourself, you are doing really well.
How's the zubs going, simco?
 
We are all stronger than our addictions. The idea that we are powerless over them is a self defeating idea fed to us to keep us using recovery services. Is it not true that if you do not use today, and make it to the end of the day, are you not more powerful than your addiction!? Take back the power! Reclaim your life! Noone will do it for you, and it is easier to manipulate you if you feel you cannot do something on your own!
 
Starting detox tomorrow, hopefully, for the n-th time in my life! For the last three years i've been on and off of heroin, being sober for a month seems like a victory in my case.
I organized methadone for the first half of my detox, the other half will be procured on monday. I also have some bupes, 2 mgs and 8 mgs.
I stopped seeing my psychiatrist hence i realized that after a year and a half of going to therapy i haven't made any progress. We just talk and talk about the same stuff, it started to sound like a broken record.
I lack motivation, and strength. I'm pretty affluent, cash never was a problem to me, and this is more of a problem and an obstacle in getting through the end with my rehab.
My life is slipping away, every day it's harder and harder to work (i'm a musician), and fucntion normally in all aspects of my life, even plain thinking and going to the supermarket, and even writing this takes more effort than it should.
But still, my desire of getting sober is still here, i want that more than anything.
 
madagasqar said:
I stopped seeing my psychiatrist hence i realized that after a year and a half of going to therapy i haven't made any progress. We just talk and talk about the same stuff, it started to sound like a broken record.
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Yeah I just was going to mine for refills and after a while I didn't need all that shit anymore.

The last psychiatrist I had didn't rx suboxone, hated opiate addicts (lol) and I just don't need benzos or amphetamines. Life is peachy without them. :)

I can relate to the broken record shit. I absolutely hate when people just communicate about the same things over and over again, ad infinitum.

Perhaps this change will be good; best of luck <3
 
Exactly! Mine has this sentence "choose yourself instead of drugs!(???) well, it's not a bloody food menu!
 
I can totally understand where you are coming from madagascar/Captain heroin. I had to fire my psychiatrist because she never had time for me, and just kept putting me on more meds. I finally realized that what she had prescribed was driving me insane, and I could not leave my couch for fear something bad would happen. When I fired her I thought I was doing something monumental, but when I walked out of her office I saw a waiting room full of people just as broken as me waiting for "her majesty" to past down the doctrine they should live by.

Best thing I ever did was submit a complaint to the review board of the practice she works for.
 
I know it's the end of the month, but I'm starting my journey to getting off heroin on Wednesday, when I have an appointment with a suboxone doctor. I'm scared.
 
Today marks 2 weeks on suboxone for me. In many ways it's been an absolute miracle. I haven't used (heroin) since the Saturday before I started subs; this is longest I've been clean for ages. I've had a few intense cravings. But unlike when I was trying to quit CT, the cravings vanished after a bit of quiet and deep breathing, etc. For the first time in years I feel optimistic.

But I *am* scared about the suboxone, afraid of being strung out on it forever. (I've been very interested in the thread going on next to this one about suboxone addiction/wd.)

My original plan with getting on subs was to buy myself the stability I need in order make progress in therapy and hopefully get at the root of why I got addicted in the first place. But my sub doctor (not the same guy as my therapist) seems very casual about letting patients linger on subs for years--shit, forever.

Any words of wisdom or advice from folks who managed to use subs to kick a full agonist opiate habit and subsequently weaned off the suboxone, too? I'm curious to hear what kinds of time-periods/dosages/strategies you might have gone with. Or maybe I just need reassurance that there can be life after suboxone :\.

I'm incredibly grateful to have a viable tool for moving away from heroin. And if I had to stay hooked on subs, that's much better than my life as a junkie was. Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. But I know plenty of folks on SL have quit subs too. I'd love to hear any experiences they've had.

Thanks!
 
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