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March Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. Spring is Here!

Woohoo!!!! EXjunkiegirl! You are hitting an awesome stride. Keep up the good work.

Any feel like sometimes they need to take a giant step back and just examine their life and habits because they see a pattern?

I have noticed that I routinely have using dreams or arrested and beat up dreams tied to using around the middle of the month that cause me to look in the mirror and say "What the fuck manboychef? It has been so long and you are still having this vivid dreams." I just wonder if I examine my routine I can find out the source of the dreams and work on it.
 
here i am again starting from scratch for the third time.

day 2.
 
manboychef,

i still have using dreams, even when i haven't used for months and have taken great strides. i'm not sure what your dreams are about and i do encourage you to dig deeper, but don't beat yourself up about it. there's a craving part of us that never dies no matter how far we've come. lately i've had a few using dreams. i did relapse and i feel bad about it but i am starting over again. but i know my dreams weren't actually about the drugs themselves. they were about me wanting relief from all of the stress and anxiety i am and have been experiencing. this isn't to say there aren't patterns that i should change... and i am very hard on myself.. but i am trying not to be..
 
I am glad to see you back custard. I relapsed so many times before. I took me quite a few tries to learn what my relapse mentality was like. It is kinda like the one ring talking to me. It is so subtle yet insidious and before I knew it I would be knee deep in my problems again. Something that worked well for me was writing down my emotional, physical, and mental state the week before active use. It becomes almost a guideline for how you will feel before you start actively using, and you will be able to recognize those feelings in the future.

Here is an example of a using dream. For some reason I am at the airport in a classroom. I realize I have a tiny baggie in my pocket with one tiny shroom cap in it. I become completely nervous because I know I don't use and I shouldn't have it so I stick it in my desk. Next thing I know a male and female cop storm the classroom and put me in handcuffs. They say a bunch of stuff to me and hold the bag two feet in front of my face. I try pleading with them that it isn't mine and I don't know who's it is or why it exists, but they just grab me and bring me down to the tarmac. They then beat me with nightsticks until I gasp for breath and wakeup. This terrified me for some reason to the point of having to go smoke a little cigar to calm down.

What does it mean? I don't know. Why did it have such a strong effect on me? Not quite certain. I just know these kind of dreams come around the middle of the month and terrify the hell out of me.
 
manboy:

ha, the 'one ring'. i know exactly what you mean. you can feel yourself betraying yourself and listening to the 'dark side' while it is happening. i know that the past couple of times i've relapsed.. it's like there's some apprehension for a while, but once you've had your eye on the prize long enough the decision is made and there's no turning back. that's a good idea, writing down your state. for some reason the past couple of times i relapsed i managed to get out of the water before i was in too deep. i guess it's the battle between the "I want it NOW, relief NOW" or "ah fuck it" part of your brain, versus the "really? is this really going to help? aren't things going to be way worse tomorrow? do you really want to do this to yourself? again?" part of your brain. i guess the latter part gets a bit stronger each time.. hopefully.. i've heard my dad call this 'delay discounting'.

wow, your dream does sound really scary. it's hard for me to know what it means without knowing you very well, and what you've been through in regards to addiction. feel free to share whatever you like or PM me... did you ever go through anything similar to what you experience in the dream in reality?

(dammit.. just writing about relapsing is making me crave.. that devil on your shoulder is always closer than you think..)
 
I have to bump this thread!

I had an awesome moment. I refilled my zoloft prescription the other day and my pharmacist accidentally refilled my xanax prescription instead. The pills look similar so the last four days I have been taking xanax in the morning instead of zoloft. Well today I looked at the bottle because I have been extremely agitated and feeling strange (symptoms that I take the zoloft for) and I realized the mix up. I ended up pouring the remaining xanax in my garbage disposal and turning it on. When I was hooked on those I never would have been able to do that!

To all my sober peeps! Keep at it, it gets better and better and eventually even if your DOC is right in your face and you know that you can get away with taking it, you will be able to make the right choice.
 
Feeling good for the first time in years. I've been trying to kick heroin for a solid year now (some of you may remember me from this forum months ago). Never could get anywhere--whether it was one day, five days or thirty days, i'd always cave under the weight of my cravings. I was feeling really really trapped and scared. Things were going down hill fast; my wife intervened like 10 days ago and took to me to ER so I wouldn't kill myself. She stayed home from work all week to help me while I stopped cold turkey and started detoxing. This week I got on Zubsolv (fancy-pants suboxone analogue).

Today is my third day on the zubs, and I just can't believe how relieved I am. No more overt WD symptoms. The cravings are gone. I don't feel like a corpse. Something like optimism is batting around my thoughts.

I'm not kidding myself...of course it's going to get hard again. And I'm not thrilled about the idea of being strung out on bupe. But two weeks ago I'd given myself up for dead. Maybe the biggest surprise: I'm actually glad I'm *not* dead.

Looking forward to being back on this thread.
 
Hey Sim:
I am glad to hear you are taking care of yourself and that you are alive!
 
congrats simco and erikman.

Keep up the good work. It gets better and better.
 
I od'd on oxycodone a couple of days ago. The person I was with kept me awake, stopped me choking on my own vomit. I was puking for 36 hours. Kept nodding out too hard..the usual od crap. Of course no one would get medical help, I really thought it was the end.
I am done. I had kicked h and oxy, was my first relapse after 10 days straight cold turkey. I don't want to die. I'm too old for this, my body can't take it Fuck I just want my kids to love me again.
My boyfriend's response to I'm done was "yeah right, till next time".
I just want to be me again, but I don't know if there is a me left without opiates now.
 
^

damn, Bottleofsun, that was shitty what your boyfriend said to you. even if it takes multiple tries to do it, you will shake this, and i bet you'll find that you're still very much intact and present. everyone reading this thread has your back.
 
I'm really paying for the od physically. If had been able to, I'd have got help, I needed narcan. Not even water staying down, my breathing was hard when I was aware, and my boyfriend would give me a slap, haul me up, clean my mouth out..I tried to say get a fucking paramedic here.
I think he's had enough of it..of me, of the smack and oxys.
I feel battered, my backs killing me, nose running, I can still taste oxy.
I really am done.
 
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