ive never tried to kill myself but as you know, one of my best friends did (and succeeded) in high school. I'm mentioning this cause I want others to know I have experience with suicide... I'm not just throwing out blind advice. Being someone left behind from such an act is terrible.
To this day it affects me. I have a lot of opinons about suicide and while I understand it and would never ever judge anyone... it's difficult to be one of the people left behind to deal with it. It's certainly something that affects more people than you could even realize. I'm sure my friend never thought that more than 20 years later, she'd have friends still crying over her loss. I'm sure that, even if her intention was to punish her family, that she never would have meant to fuck up so many others who are still semi- drowning in the wake of her death. It's amazing how much that event changed my life and altered it. I hate that she was so upset and desperate that death was the only way out. And I feel the same for you- but you're still here so I'm able to share my thoughts with you and tell you that death isn't the only way out. You're so young... there's so much here for you to do and explore. Please think about other options -there are many my friend. I promise.
sending you a lot of positive vibes, my friend
Amen to this. Although I find myself on that ledge at times, I have lost two people. Two men. And it hurts so, so much. Years later. And it will always, always hurt. Time doesn't take away the pain.
Sometimes this is one of the only things that stops me. That, and I don't truly want to die, I just want better circumstances and at times, especially with health problems, that feels hopeless.
But I can't even find words that do justice to the pain of that sort of loss.
One was an ex I had not been in touch with. I'm positive he didn't think I would be so upset, crying daily for months, blocking it out from time to time because the pain is so big that at times, I can't cope with it, I literally feel sick to my stomach. I just want to throw up.
And you do possess such wonderful qualities. EVERYONE on this thread does. I know I keep saying a version of this but I'll say it again because I'm truly in awe at the incredible people that have joined this thread and it warms my heart so: I couldn't be happier with the group of people gathering here. All such wonderful, empathetic, non-judgmental, compassionate, supportive, intelligent, funny, kind, sweet, lovely people here!!!! I feel so blessed to be in everyone's company. So nice. Gives me some faith in humanity, which I can lose from time to time. When I think too much...
I read you were again contemplating the needle. Have you ever seen an iv user withdraw? I have. Then and there I decided no fucking way. This is HARD and bad enough. No thank you.
Not only that but any control over your usage that you have now will quickly be lost once you turn to the needle., I suspect. Because right now, it's still dangerous in your mind, you're still thinking clearly about it. But we all know that once you get used to something you get used to it and it's no longer a big deal in the mind. From there it's a slippery slope, in that *now* you're telling yourself you could use less quantity by iv, BUT be honest with yourself.... It probably won't be long after shooting up that you begin to rationalize taking more. When you are in some damn legit physical pain, it is SO very easy to rationalize things in this way.
I understand
Definitely no judgement from me no matter what you end up doing, Love. Just concern and worry.
I will have to get back on track after Friday. I can do this. I will do this. I'm already doing it in some ways, as I've been preparing my mind for this for a very long time. I figured before I was ready to quit, it couldn't hurt to get my mind to a better place first. Because although withdrawal is absolute physical hell, the times my mind has been right during wd everything was easier. Not saying that a positive frame of mind will erase withdrawal physically. It doesn't. But the mental part is harder than we like to think....
And as far as something bad happening, I've been THROUGH some pretty vicious SHIT, and am happy to listen and give feedback if you want to talk about it. I've gotten much better than my younger years at letting even horrible things "go", for lack of a better phrase. Not that it's ok. It's not. But I don't get as twisted up inside over it because it's not in my control. But who is in my life is generally under my control. Family can be hard. But I deal with that, too. I'm here for you.
**********
LA,
I'M SO HAPPY you are still hanging in there! And you said to me:
"I talked about you in my NA and AA classes...your like my social sponsor...hearing you used again kinda blows on my end...you kept me going"
First and foremost, I'm SO PROUD OF YOU and just THRILLED to hear how much progress you've made, how far you have come! I hope you pat yourself on the back daily. As every single person on this thread knows, this isn't easy. Withdrawal gets a bad rep, and certainly for a reason, but often it's staying away that, in the end, is harder to get through.... Even knowing damn well that if you relapse, you have to suffer through the acute withdrawal when physical symptoms especially are at their peak. That's just a testament to how incredibly difficult it is to stay away and stay off of, that anyone (obviously myself included!) would relapse knowing they will have to fight that awful, sweaty, painful, wide-awake-yet-completely-exhausted acute wd YET AGAIN or else.
And so, you being so far along is absolutely INCREDIBLE and a testament to your strength, wisdom, and rational mind. I know you don't feel great, and you are still keeping at it and I'm so impressed, inspired, and overjoyed :D
Congratulations, my friend. And thank you for being an inspiration, because you are.
And the following is said with zero sarcasm or upset, just prefacing with that because words typed out don't have a tone of voice to look to to understand where someone is coming from, how they mean what tree saying.... That being said:
I want to thank you so much for that raw honesty with me.
First off, I froze when reading that bit. For a few reasons. One, I was SO TOUCHED that you were taking inspiration or using me as something to help you keep going. I had no idea you felt that way, to that degree (take note, Shroomy.... Here's a perfect example of us never really knowing what we can and do mean to others. I'm relating this to the topic of suicide that has come up several times on this thread from many people. You always ALWAYS matter, you are ALWAYS loved, and ALWAYS needed...).
No idea. I mean yes we have spoken. And given support to one another. But to hear that I helped to keep you going, and my God, that you even SPOKE about me to others.... I am floored. I'm so flattered. I feel honored. It brought tears to my eyes.
Which brings me to exactly why I must THANK YOU for your honesty, no minced words.... Because after I read that my eyes filled with tears and I closed the browser and reflected on the honor you've bestowed upon me, the extent of which was previously unknown to me. Some people might have been upset at being told that their use has disappointed someone else. But not me. I'm taking that as some SERIOUS motivation, as inspiration. Inspiration to again be worthy of the absolute honor of..... Inspiring. Keeping someone else going, because if I can do it they can and vice versa.
I wish I had better words to emphasize this point because I'm going to just repeat myself a lot instead lol, because I'm having trouble finding words that really express the depth of my "thank you" for your brutal honesty.
Like I said after reading that I teared up and closed the browser and thought for a minute.
And I was disappointed in myself, because I *had* inspired someone more than I could have ever realized on my own, here they are TELLING me that I kept them going.... And by slipping up, it's not just about not living up to what I know I'm capable of for my own sake.... It's also about being connected with others, being a team of sorts, inspiring each other, caring. You made me feel disappointed in myself, and I can't thank you enough.
My circumstances all around have become so unbearable, on all levels, every facet of my life is a big let down. Yes, my physical health has greatly impacted my ability to succeed at certain things, but I've accepted that albeit a bit reluctantly, and redefined the terms of success in my mind....which is a good thing....but I still need to do more work.
Having a positive impact on others is something EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to me. At the worst times of my life, sometimes thisssentiment is one of the few things that compels me to keep going.. to keep trying. If I know that anyone is looking to me in this way, I don't take it lightly. I definitely feel a responsibility to my fellow human being in this regard. Life, this world, can be so hard, and people connecting, mattering, supporting, inspiring, lifting up, caring, loving, one another is something so beautiful to me. So beautiful, and in my opinion , what life is ABOUT.
I don't know that I'm putting this well or communicating what I feel very well. It's just, your disappointment in me woke me up a bit. And the fact that you had taken so much comfort from me - like I said, I had no idea of the depth. I felt so humbly honored, and to know that slipping up has cost me that, I can only say thank you for that wake up call, my friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for SAYING that. Others - to be clear I wouldn't be upset with them for trying to spare my feelings, but the fact is, sometimes brutal honesty serves a high purpose - may have skirted over that to me, for fear of upsetting me. They might not have let on how disappointed they felt in me, and may not have decided to share with me how I had been something they held onto in some way for their own hope. I benefited from knowing how much I have touched you; it melts my heart to think I could have a good impact on another human being, that means EVERYTHING to me. And I benefited from you not hiding your disappointment in me, because now I want to reverse that. Furthermore, now YOU are MY inspiration.... You have a good deal of clean time under your belt and though it's hard you keep going..! I want to do the same. I want to be strong like you have been. Thank you so much, on so many levels.
I will work hard until I'm again worthy of the honor you gave me.
Thank you so much.
.Just, thank you.
Xoxoxoxo
