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NEW/FINAL at home (attempt) detox diary, general support, and advice thread.

I started feeling a bit anxious and lousy - it may be the benzo WDs kicking in. I went ahead and took another 3.5 grams of Kratom, 1 25mg of librium and a blood pressure medicine.
I need to get thru this before the 3rd and NOT RELAPSE.
 
Don't take too much and be tempted to relapse. You've got this, and your options are limited. I believe in you so much. You absolutley have his, just gotta get past the benzo withdrawls. People have done it before, you can do it now.
 
UPDATE: Well... I fucking got offered FREE dope, and ended up taking it!!I FUCKING CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT.WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS BULLSHIT HAPPEN TO ME???WHY CAN I NOT SAY NO????? WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP RELAPSING.I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE. I FEEL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT. I AM NEVER GOING TO FUCKING STAY CLEAN.WHY ME????
 
You need to check yourself in somewhere.

You have proven you can't do it alone now, no shame in that but stop torturing yourself. Remove yourself away from opportunities such as being offered stuff for free, the environment you are in now is what is tempting you to relapse.

Mentally you aren't strong enough to do this. If you truly, genuinely want to get clean (which I believe you do) then you will do whatever it takes and that includes checking into somewhere to detox - even if it means no comfort meds. It got to be better than going back to jail right?

I guy I know (this isn't a SWIM, this is genuine) he lost his whole family through his gambling addiction. I know it's not the same but addiction is addiction right? He couldn't stop - made all the right noises like banning himself from websites and betting shops etc - but he couldn't do it, always found a way. He lost everything. Now he has to watch his ex wife with someone else, his kids being provided for by another man, and he is destroyed and he doesn't even look like himself anymore which is a shame (he use to be hot too! :) ).

Anyway, the point to this is I don't want your story to end up like Tom. I don't want you to have to watch yourself lose everything before your own eyes. For your girlfriend move on with her life and enjoy it with someone the way you wanted to enjoy it with her.

I hope you fix up and sort things Wow. You seem like a nice, friendly, genuinely fella. Don't waste yourself.

Much love!!
 
Sorry bro dont want to sound harsh at all because I do care and am not really different from you at all. I just think whatever reason you dont take the suggested dose of immodium for withdrawals 90% of your opiate withdrawals away is something I cant help at least with my own advice. I hear you out about being scared to be addicted to it but everyone on here said that was a VERY slim chance(I have been taking immodium tapers for YEARS). I think it kinda speaks for the whole situation that you arent scared to shoot up heroin but are scared to take immodium. If this sounds mean hearted its not at all. Its just we love you and dont want to see you back in jail.
 
the thing was - I was feeling better - I had pretty much no WD symptoms. It was just handed to me, and I couldn't say no. I amk going thru some rough benzo WD still which is giving me A LOT of depression and anxiety. I have not slept. The thing is pretty much had no more opiate withdrawals so going to a detox wouldn't help I don't think. The PAWS and intense cravings made me relapse once again. I really can't go to an inpatient because I have my PO appointment here in a few days. I am so scared I'm going to fuck up again and fail the drug test and go back to jail. I might even go to jail either way because I have some violations. I want to stop using, I really do, I just keep caving in and using again. I stop for like 5 days and go thru WD and then use for like a day and its just an endless cycle. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost. I am loosing my mind. I get so depressed and anxious then suddenly some how I get offered free heroin or I get a hold of a sum of money and start obsessing then finally cave in. I think I need to get on some sort of maintenance, I just don't have insurance and the money I do get comes in spurts so there will be a week I make good amount of money then there could be 2 weeks I make nothing, so I will be having issues trying to pay for methadone daily and suboxone is too expensive w/o insurance. Please someone help me... please.. I don't know what to do... omg..
 
Oh honey. Tears in my eyes. Look for free, low cost, or whats called sliding scale services near you regarding maintenance.

God, i hope theres something for you love.

You are a real fighter.

Much love
Peace
 
What about finding a meeting to go to every day? Just a goal to achieve each day to get you to focus on something, a reason to get up every morning and stay on track? How about exercise? I have heard a few people say it's a good way to keep yourself busy.

I think the brutal truth is that no one can help you, as much as we all want to. It has to come from you.

Wishing you the best of British luck! :)

x
 
Just coming by with hugs.

Google the shit out of terms like "low cost suboxone maintenance (your area)" sub the word "free" and "sliding scale" for "low cost" and call everyone. If they cannot help you, ask then if they have any numbers you can call or if they can point you in the right direction.
The closer you get to test, the better itd be to have maintenance substances prescribed and inn your system too show a good faith effort, taken at your initiative.

I'm really praying for you honey, I so want you to "win" this game....

Don't giver up yet, baby. It's rarely a linear process.

Hold your head up.
You are a fighter.

Peace.
 
I just don't know what to do.
I don't really want to be on methadone or suboxone..
but I feel like I have no choice or I'm just going to keep relapsing.
I want to just be clean and sober. I want to be normal.
I don't know why I keep slipping up. It's nothing too bad I use for a day then
start all over again, I can't seem to make it past over a week without fucking up and doing heroin.
I am literally losing my mind. I haven't slept because of benzo withdrawals and I am already starting
to feel lousy from using heroin again. Hopefully, I wont have bad withdrawals since I only used for a day.
It sucks because if you're poor like me you can't afford any kind of treatment. I also don't have any insurance,
which makes it even more harder to get ANYTHING. I want help, I just don't really have any support and the depression
gets so bad I just end up acting impulsive and get high. It's so stupid of me because I just keep setting myself back,
I am going to be dope sick forever.
I am just so stressed out because I don't know what's going to happen when I see my probation officer.
I don't want her to send me to jail. That alone makes me want to try to escape from my problems and go use.
 
I am so sorry to hear you relapsed again. Please don't beat yourself up - benzo withdrawals are brutal physically and psychologically, it makes perfect sense that you used when it was offered to you. I really wish the legal system would view this as a medical issue, which it is. Is there any way you can discuss what you're going through with your PO? Show her your threads on this site so she can understand that you want to get clean, but it's literally a medical issue and not a blatant disregard of rules/law? I don't have much experience with the legal system so I don't know, but can't she advocate for you to get long term treatment in lieu of jail? Again, I am so sorry you are going through this w0w0mg. You should be proud of yourself for all of the progress you have made, and all the hard work you have put into your sobriety. Even though you have minor set backs, you continue to push forward. Please stay strong and bear in mind that you are NOT your addiction, that this is an illness that you CAN recover from.
 
Look at your options and make the best choice you are able to. It's really that simple. I know you feel anguished right now and that anguish may be something that is confusing you. Take a deep breath, lay out your options, do your research, and make the best choice you know how. Feel free to post about the process. It's ok love. Whatever happens, it doesn't take away how fucking hard you fought. It doesn't take it away.

You will continue to fight. You will keep persisting. And eventually you will win. For good.

Much love and respect,
Peace.
 
If you think your gonna fail your drug test I would advise you to plead with your PO to help you get into inpatient rehab. I have known a couple friends that it worked out for.
 
Hey w0w, how's my buddy doing today? Making any head way on your efforts? I'm hoping and praying so!

Let us know how you're managing if you get the chance.

-SK
 
Well, my last dose of heroin was 2 days ago - I have been using tianeptine and kratom to make me feel normal.
I am suppose to have my probation appointment today but I told her I was out of town due to a family emergency and asked if she can move it to tomorrow.
I took a at home drug test and I still failed for opiates, so I am not going to go in there on my scheduled time because that's just a guaranteed going to jail card.
She has not responded yet, I talked with her yesterday to see if I could push it Friday but she told me she was not going to be in on Friday and that she would need to find
another PO to see me. She (of course) never called me back - So I left another message today (she seems to never answer her phone) asking if I can come in Friday or Monday
instead of today. I just need to be able to pass this drug test. Usually, I can pass a UA no problem within 24-36 hours but I am assuming since I did take about 1 whole gram of heroin
it's going to take a little bit longer. I am hoping it's completely out of my system by tomorrow. I can't afford another drug test so I just pray I don't fail.
Like said, I am not really going thru bad WD because of the mega doses of tianeptine along side 10 grams of Kratom.
I know I need to stop, I have no more benzos which is making me very anxious all the time. I am pretty lost right now.
 
I also have the issue of bad cravings making me relapse, but doesn't kratom show as an opiate? I thought it did, maybe I'm wrong. Hope your po calls back soon, good luck. Definitely look into daily meetings too. I'm attempting to get sober on my own too, stay strong.
 
W0w: just stopping by to offer my unconditional support and encouragement. There are some good ideas here, from other BL's who truly care about you. You know you qualify for free health insurance b/c you are unemployed? You will then be able to get free suboxone treatment, and most prescriptions are only $1 or $2.
Just the process of researching free insurance will keep your mind busy and occupied so that your anxiety may be lowered. When you call your local office, where I live it is administrated by each county, you will probably be on hold, and transferred several times... just a head's up. It's worth a try, you have absolutely nothing to lose my making a few calls.

And, hanging out at some 12 step meetings, like NA, doesn't mean you are buying into everything they say. However, you may hear a few things that will keep you going for another day, and I believe no one understands us like another addict.

Peace and Hugs, my dear friend.
 
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