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January Getting/Staying Clean v. Sober for the New Year

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To all Americans I hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend! I'm leading a camping/kayaking trip to Cayo Costa State Park off the southwest coast of Florida. Pictures to follow.

I'm happy to be back to a hobby other than drinking.
 
I've been off DXM for 2 months after a weekly binge for the three months previous, some times I'd go on day to day trips, dosing every six hours. I've even drove two times on it, fucking idiot. After a recent 3rd + plateau trip that almost caused me going to E.R. I ended up doing the math wrong and found out later is was in the 900- 1000mg range, I realized something was wrong when everything wasn't right. I convinced myself I was dead and poured soda all over my carpet, thinking I was in an alternate dimension and managed not to fall down the stairs or do something stupid.

My friends urged me to get off it after the event and I did. It certainly wasn't helping with the developing tremors and shakes that have been developing, and definitely not good for my still developing brain. I don't regret it. It gave me insight to life and kept me floating when I was going through the roughest of times, coming home after 14+ hour work days, two hours of rest max. The result is a huge tolerance and I won't touch it for a while.
 
You all are doing great, I'm so glad I found this place and decided to register rather than lurk and even Choose to get clean. Very tight group here.
 
^ me too. I am so thankful for the friends I have made on BL, they have really been here and helped through some serious dark and fucked times. I know I wouldn't be ending my 52nd day clean if it wasn't for the people here.
%)
<3
EXjg
 
JG you have made it that far. When I was first lurking here you had about 2 weeks clean maybe 20days doesn't matter your coming up on 60. Salute, you really should be proud. I looked at you and a few others and all seemed very happy to be here and free of addiction. It's what gave me the courage. So thanks keep it up thiis is what it is.
 
:) aw that makes me smile so hard =D
It's weird to think I gave someone the courage and inspiration to change thier life. Pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.
I love living in recovery. I couldn't be happier. Although I am human, I do have bad days and really bad moments but I just know my shittiest day clean is better than my best day using! I hope that it's going good for you! Please feel free to PM if you ever need some to talk to or just listen to what's going on
%)
<3
EXjg
 
2 days till I get my 4 month coin! Pretty excited, its starting to feel good! Glad everyone is doing well!
 
^ awesome congrats!

I just need to vent here, I don't need anything said to me tbh, just need to type this out. I tried writing it in my journal and well that just wasn't good enough or enough for me.

I'm having a really hard night. I miss my mom so much. I'm just sad. I wanna get high so bad right now just so I don't have to deal with these emotions, or this physical pain. My heart literally feels broken.
My moms best friend is in jail right now and her like 20 year old daughter keeps saying stuff like "I can't believe my mom is in jail, she's gone and I miss her so much, I hate that there is a piece of glass between us when I go visit her in jail...(etc.)" and that shit just hits me hard. Like bitch at least you can even see your mom and talk to her and she's gonna get out eventually and you'll be able to be with her and hug her. It's just really upsetting that she tries to relate to me, and tells me she "understands" what I'm going through.. I feel like no one does, I don't even know what I'm going through. All I know is I would give ANYTHING in the whole world to just hear my moms voice again and see her smile.
Sigh... Fuck I would stick a needle in me right this second if I could and had access.
I wish I could just sleep but that's not going to happen. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is her, and I see her when I came home and found her that night, not her beautiful face smiling at me with love. Of course that's all I see, why would the universe make this just like a percentage easier for me......
Fuck me.
Fuck everyone.
I just wanna be done.
I just wanna go back like 6-7 months, my mom was still here, I was making good money, able to do at least a gram to a gram and a half a day and was able to actually shoot my dope by myself whenever I wanted and it took like 2 seconds. Sigh... (The biggest most upset sigh possible)

Okay I vented. I feel a little better I guess.

exjg
 
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