• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

December Getting/Staying Clean and Sober Thread v. Happy Holidays!

Tomorrow, 10 months totally sober!! Have won my war with methadone and all opiates + benzodiazepines, etc. 10-15 year's war!!

I still drink coffee and have fun. ;)

One day at a time, always!! :)
 
Tomorrow, 10 months totally sober!! Have won my war with methadone and all opiates + benzodiazepines, etc. 10-15 year's war!!

I still drink coffee and have fun. ;)

One day at a time, always!! :)

I am incredibly proud, and a little jealous at the moment that you are over the benzos as that is the war I am currently fighting...I'm winning battles, but it truly is a war of attrition.

@what was it. It took me a while to get here. I have been prescribed benzos for many years...from clonazepam, valium, ativan to finally xanax. I went from taking .5mg three times a day to 8mg very quickly, and for all intents and purposes they really have stopped doing anything positive for me and are only giving me the negative effects when I don't take them. I am weening off and I think I am going a little too fast. I am fairly uncomfortable...check the photo section on SL that I started. The last photo of the bleeding heart plant is how much my hands are shaking.
 
Last edited:
Tomorrow, 10 months totally sober!! Have won my war with methadone and all opiates + benzodiazepines, etc. 10-15 year's war!!

This is my official post of inspiration for my own personal holy war with addiction :) Nice one Erikmen!
 
I never could understand that. I've only had one using dream over the last, like 10 years, at least only one I could remember when I woke up. Maybe I should consider myself lucky, I don't know. I kind of wish I could have more experience with them...
 
Yeah using dreams a very panic inspiring. I had one the other night that I bought two bundles and then out of nowhere someone was robbing me and cutting me with a box cutter. Scared the hair straight on my patch.
 
Dito. I have to deal with the fucking att people to get them to come out here and fix the mess they caused when they came to fix the internet and phone lines at my studio, what a pita... they came out to fix it after they installed a new line for my neighbors, when it was sporadically working before (so I don't think it was a line issue before) and whatever their fix was it lasted about 12 hrs and not the connection is totally dead. Thankfully I don't have any work today but argh... :/
 
Oh those using dreams- at least now I know I'm not the only one who has a hard time with them. I wish I was like you, Toothpastedog, and only had 1 using dream in 10 years... when I have them, usually at least one every month or so, they aren't pleasant at all. They are always nightmarish and panic inducing experiences for me, whether they are about trying to use and having all kinds of bad things happen- I'll drop the spoon over and over again, get busted and searched, the plunger breaks, etc. Lately, the dreams have been about getting locked up and violently DTing in a jail cell or getting stuck in a strange city without my methadone takeouts or driving in circles repeatedly and helplessly lost while trying to get to a clinic. Maybe one day these will stop, I hope so! When I have these fitful nights it always makes the day a real struggle for me, all I can think about is using.

Today was great however, I stayed away from the temptation in the clinic parking lot and got some housework done. ? Another day sober under the belt!
 
Last edited:
Dito. I have to deal with the fucking att people to get them to come out here and fix the mess they caused when they came to fix the internet and phone lines at my studio, what a pita... they came out to fix it after they installed a new line for my neighbors, when it was sporadically working before (so I don't think it was a line issue before) and whatever their fix was it lasted about 12 hrs and not the connection is totally dead. Thankfully I don't have any work today but argh... :/

Dude that sucks....it always seems like they have the least technically apt technician come when you need it the most. Our satellite tv was always going out when it rained (i live in florida, in the summer it rains everyday) We had this dude come out and he literally messed up the reciever even more...we promptly switched to cable after that.

I had such a challenging day. Kept at it, one hour at a time. :)

It is all we can do my captain! This season is hard for me, and I have to just keep putting my hands to the sky and saying I can make it through this every hour...because the thought of using just to make the negative connotation I have with this month is too much sometimes. I have even pushed off taking my benzo this morning, so I am challenging myself and I am too taking those feelings one hour at a time.
 
Man, i had the worst using dream. Ive only been up for an hr so its affecting me big time. My recent habit popped up in my dream and i could feel the rush. I woke up in cold sweat. My buddy n rehab said using and drinking dreams are feebees, lol. That was his method of looking at it. Its really gonna be a miracle to get thru the day without relapsing. Thats how strong it was.?its only been a short time since ive stopped but kinda already forgot what its like. Now, thanks to my dream, i remember. Yall please pray for me if you pray. Ive prayed to keep me clean today. Just today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isnt here yet. Just today. Good thing is i have no car so my best bud is coming to take mevto foodstore and hes been clean for 5 yrs off heroin so i can talk to him. Its not heroin i crave but opiates are opiates so hes perfect person to talk to. Fucking dreams. When i got sober i had terrible drinking dreams for months and got thru that so i can get thru this crap. Part of me is calm cool and collected and the other half wants to get these errands done so i can do my thing. I should have disposed of my stuff but i never did so that may be a good idea. I dont mean to be mysterious but this is a sober living thread so im not gonna go into details but i was addicted to the whole process so i was wondering when i dream would come. Plus im on kolonopin, hydroxizine, olanzapine and trazadone for sleep and they all, especially trazadone give me vivid dreams. I swore it was really happening and i just remember being so high snd happy then i woke up in pain and hating it was a dream. I hate dreams and yes, i have relapsed in the past from a vivid dream like i just had so i will be on my toes today. Yall here please wish me luck. If i check in later im fine. If you see no post imbin trouble. These are the times being spiritual like ive been helps immensly. Plus people like my friend and people in meetings and my bluelight family?
 
Really, trazodone gives you vivid dreams? At even "lower" doses of 50-150mg, it seems to stifle my ability to remember my dreams, and the doses I would take it at, 300-450my, for PTSD related insomnia issues, and just the condition's symptoms more generally during the day, it would totally inhibit the ability. Interesting how different people respond differently to the same drug.

I've a somewhat unusual morning for me, as in it started at like 2 or 3am. I ended up writing a few messages and ended up becoming so stimulated from reading and writing them that I didn't even try to go back to bed. Ended up texting all morning, until just a little while ago actually, and couldn't have enjoyed it more. It's amazing how the world becomes such a clearer, beautiful place when you have someone beautiful to share even a few moments of it with. I had forgotten what that was actually like.

So I'm in a very nice mood. Calm, happy, although not exactly relaxed. Got a bunch of little housekeeping things I've set myself to do this morning, which tbh I'm hardly looking forward to, but the results will be more than worth the effort. It involves dealing with my mom and going through really old photos of myself and really old documents.

Anyways, sending lovingkindness to my BL comrades <3 :)
 
Good post man. Very uplifting. I just got home shortly ago and put everything away and did a couple of things. My shrink doubled my dose of Ritalin. I could tell a difference in focus last week but not really stimulated but 10mg def has me a housekeeping machine, lol. Im at a sickibg point right now. Cant do much else till all this furniture is picked up. We got a foundation that runs fundraisers and picks up reusable furniture and sells it and it a recovery based operation. The basic rehab is a year and the work the crap out of you all year. Its really for people who got so bad they forgot how to keep a checkbook or foodshop and stuff. Ive met a couple of graduates in meetings and they said it aint no joke. So, im glad they are taking my moms bedroom set and hopefully find it a new home. Its beautiful furniture and almost old as me. Then i can finish my stuff. Anyway, at this point im rambling. Sorry. Still trying to shake that dream last night. Being alone with no car and nothing to do isnt healthy so im gonna make some calls to other addicts then im gonna write a song. I just found the riff on my guitar. Thought of it in line at grocery store. Erikmen, great job man. Keep it up!!
 
It really scares me where I need to be in a place where my life needs to managed like that closeau, but I'm really proud of you being willing to get and then take that first step with the help we need, especially given you situations. If you don't mind me asking, what is the name of the rehab organization? If you don't want to mention it I totally understand, so no worries.
 
It really scares me where I need to be in a place where my life needs to managed like that closeau

I have an aversion to most people in general, and the idea of going into in-patient treatment would horrify me. I'm one of those people who I'm sure I would have died in active addiction if I hadn't been able to get clean on my own.

For other people like me (aversion to human beings or direct social contact in general) who are still struggling, there are programs and therapies to help us gain better social skills. I'm just not that big on trying all that, though I would probably make an effort if I was still relapsing.

I always think so highly of people who are willing to try in-patient or intensive out-patient, because it's so hard to accept help from others. Especially when we have so much pride about self-efficacy.
 
My buddy n rehab said using and drinking dreams are feebees, lol. That was his method of looking at it.

My friend would always say if you enjoy the using dream, it's a freebie because you didn't actually use.

If the dream repulses you or horrifies you, you're making progress! Hating the drug/memories of it is a great first step toward putting it behind you.
 
My friend would always say if you enjoy the using dream, it's a freebie because you didn't actually use.

If the dream repulses you or horrifies you, you're making progress! Hating the drug/memories of it is a great first step toward putting it behind you.

this is so true. From your lips to gods ears captain. Like you closeau I have relapsed after a particularly bad using dream...it was just so real that I had to tempt fate one more time....led to another six months and losing everything yet again. Now I am panic ridden, sweating, and scared when I wake up from a using dream...and lately there has been an aspect of violence added to it that just fuels the panic.
 
this is so true. From your lips to gods ears captain. Like you closeau I have relapsed after a particularly bad using dream...it was just so real that I had to tempt fate one more time....led to another six months and losing everything yet again. Now I am panic ridden, sweating, and scared when I wake up from a using dream...and lately there has been an aspect of violence added to it that just fuels the panic.

same here :(

We can do this though! One day at a time. :)
 
Top