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December Getting/Staying Clean and Sober Thread v. Happy Holidays!

aihfl: I know I'm too late but Chag Chanukah Sameach (happy Chanukah ) hope u brought applesauce and sour cream to go with the latkes! Despite my Aryan appearance, I'm also Jewish (I was adopted at birth) 5th or 6th generation Floridian here. I'm in methadone maintenance for almost 4 years now, battling a relapse of amphetamines thats lasted over a month or so, and at the moment it is still winning the fight. But, I'm not going to give up. I've beat waayyy worse than this. Thanks for letting me share, look forward to meeting all of y'all and learning from the experiences of others, and I hope to be able to help others by sharing what ive learned during my journey from when i wanted to be (what i thought was) the glamorous heroin girl, --then i got my wish-- and road to now, 3 3/4 years (semi)sober with methadone, and still fighting, along the way.
 
My bubbie is making fresh, real latkes tonight for supper. Mmmmmm my mouth is watering just thinking about it! Add shalom everybody :)
 
keep up that momentum Kat!

The holidays are the worst time of year for cravings for me. Lots of pretty bad memories...Actually the two christmas' I was homeless were actually the best if that gives you an idea.
 
Last Christmas I was detoxing from diazepam, the one before I had a pretty monstrous addiction to it, the one before I was totally abstinent but not happy and a close family member had just unexpectedly died. This year I will be working like a dog but I will mainly just be enjoying living a normal life. I won't be 100% abstinent but I will be very close to that (I have a couple of drinks a week and the occasional joint) and I think it's unlikely I will be too bothered by cravings. Who knows I could be wrong but I hope not, I think I will be too busy to think about drugs too hard!

On a related note it's not all been plain sailing though, I have been feeling the call of benzos recently. I get the desire for that feeling of apathy they are so good at inducing but I know that for me it will lead to more than that and I am lucky now and the feeling seems to pass quickly.
 
Thank you very much. The time really means nothing to me I just try and check in to this thread monthly. What does mean a lot is what is happening in my life in response to being clean.
 
You said it cat. Me too. Time really doesnt matter to me its what ive gained and got back from being clean, just like you said. I always struggle this time of year like a lit of people now my mom is gone and it was her favorite holiday so they have an alcathon at AA club up the road so ill prob go to 4 meetings xmas day cause i aint going to family gathering cause its just akward and lots of drinking. Might go by my boys house but im gonna def take some quiet time to meditate and pray and reflect on the good memories of my mom and that will be my present to myself this year. I do not crave or have the obsession for alcohol but i know its cunning baffling and powerful so ill be on my toes from xmas to new years. This has been the absolute worst year of my life. I never thought any year would beat out 1992 but it did so im ready for a new year. I have a new car and going back to wirk part time and getting a new roomate so i can stay in my moms house and ill have a year Feb 6th. Im getting that medallion. Ive been trying 10 years to get that 1 year medallion. I still battle with addiction of a different sort but as we know you cannot fight or battle addiction, you have to surrender. I have and im free. Congrats catinthehat. Well said too. Peace
 
I need to vent somewhere, so I figure here is the best place.

I'm having really bad using dreams. To the point where all the specific details are there, and the dream seems plausibly real. I wake up crying and stuff. Awfulness. I wish I could get past this.
 
I know your pain. This time of year I have "the dream" a lot. I'm back at my old house in new york and my son is crying in his crib. I seemingly wakeup up and go over to the crib and there is nothing in it...he is gone. I wake up crying and I really just want one shot to ease the pain just a little.

It helps me realize there is still shame in the brightest victory. I am looking at the presents on the table I have wrapped for my son. He doesn't even know my voice. should I label them zack or dad? I don't even know. The victory is I no longer have a warrant in new york state because of child support, and I can afford to buy him presents...but I don't know him and he doesn't know me. I am powerless because if I call...I never connect. If I write she doesn't open the mail. It always ends up in me thinking I want just to be numb. This problem is bigger than what I can handle and I feel like sometimes I am balancing on a tight rope above an abyss. Usually I am very strong in my conviction of making it to the other side of the rope...but this season makes the abyss more and more inviting.

Fuck Christmas
 
captain, i've been having very vivid and often disturbing dreams too ever since quitting. not specifically about using, but once in a while those come up. as real and horrifying as dream imagery can be, it sometimes helps me to try and understand what the dream is trying to communicate. in my experience, dreams about using are not always about using.. but more generally about my fears/desires.. dissatisfaction with the status quo. good luck tonight.

thanks closeau, i'm not very good at being proud of me so it helps to hear it from another.
 
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CAT: Congratulations on reaching 7 months clean! I hear you in that the time is not important it is the checking in here monthly that has meaning, but I want to thank you again for befriending in my early days of BL, right back around when you were beginning to work on this 7 month stretch of clean time you have now or a little bit earlier. I still am working on that taper, CAT, as if you remember, I had that harsh cold turkey experience off opiates back in 2013 that now have me gun shy of quitting my prescribed pain management medication without some type of taper.
I am more happy for you than you know.. you give me hope!
And.. Captain: I don't know if you have gone to sleep for the night yet, but I am sending out positive energy that you have sweet dreams tonight.
 
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P0kemama said:
And.. Captain: I don't know if you have gone to sleep for the night yet, but I am sending out positive energy that you have sweet dreams tonight.
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thank you p0kemama <3 :)

I'm about to go to sleep, and your post made me smile :D
 
Something so simple has been under my nose this whole time. Thinking things are going to be the same on christmas is a self fulfilling prophecy. Yes I know the probability is extremely high that it will be the same, but why not disregard that for a while and hang onto the hope of possibility. I know it is unhealthy to maintain expectations, but I never looked at it from the negative aspect. If I maintain a negative expectation that is all I will experience. So instead of shitting up this thread with my bad attitude I am going to hopefully give a little momentum to others.

Though in the past things have been bad, I choose hope. Though things may be bad in the future, I prefer to dream. Though things at present are exactly the same, I choose to try something different to maybe make things better for my family.
 
manboychef said:
hey man don't feel bad. I take like 8mgs of xanax a day and it does nothing but bring me to baseline. Anxiety for me is no joke. I don't want to end up in the psychward again. (that place sucks....most of the time)

CH: Babysteps my man. It is like slowly making a beautiful poem one word at a time. You say a word (an accomplishment) then another then another....fairly soon you have a poem written that would make Homer's illiad look like a trip to the local marshall's to try on irregular shirts!

It is hard when you have hard days like everyday. I grew up in a house that having a horrible day was the norm. What I did to stop it was leave...that may not be your option, but something else I did was stand up for myself. You are one bad ass motherfucker! never forget that.
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Holy Molly 8mg of Xanax!!!! The most I have ever taken once was 5mg and it didn't end well. How did you get up to such a high dose? I can at times abuse benzos, too. But to get to 8mgs would be a challenge. I really really feel for you if you have severe GAD. I have moderate GAD and semi-regular panic attacks but it's gotten a little bit more manageable over the years. Somehow we get used to our weaknesses and adapt to them as well as we can I guess. On a side note,I took 2mgs flunitrazepam and 50mg pentobarbital at 8pm and woke up at 0030. What a joke. I probably sleep better without it!!! I think it's because I am on day 3 off opiates. Feeling confident I don't want to pick em up again which i didn't honestly ever feel before. I have been numbed for 5 of the best years of my life (I am 33). I want to live and feel again as my emotional problems have largely been solved via therapy. Funny how I loved the numbed feeling and doing nothing on opiates. My perspective seems to have totally changed as of recent. if i can also get my benzo situation down to maybe 1 5mg Valium maybe once a week or forthnight, I'll start planning on bigger endeavours.
 
For someone in chef's position it's totally understandable. I mean, I didn't even really "need" to take it like he does and I could easily tolerate upwards of 10-20mg of alprazolam (only needed 1-2mg at first to get nice and happy), 200-400mg of diazepam (only needed like 40-50mg at first to get really high) or 600-900mg of temazepam (at first I only needed like 150mg to get really high) when I was misusing each of these drugs seriously for a couple months.

God knows I'm glad I didn't keep that up, because I was certainly well on my way to benzo dependency, I mean just look at that tolerance I developed relatively quickly! At least chef knows what he's doing, has a legit reason to be taking them that imho is much more serious than the reasons I was taking them (panic attacks; social phobia) and is still making progress in terms of dealing with his current dose.

I can understand how such drastic doses, outrageous and to the intolerance person extremely dangerous if not deadly high doses, would strike someone who hasn't experienced serious tolerance to benzos as extreme and extraordinary (well it is kinda extraordinary given the words definition), but it's very common when someone's been taking them for a long period of time and/or misusing them regularly.
 
6 months clean now ! Stay sober Stay clean ! GL all !

Enjoy life ;)

Happy Holidays !
 
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