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closeau

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2012
Messages
1,143
If this is in the wrong place, I'm sorry. I'm feeling really crappy. I relapsed about 3 weeks ago and I won't go into details but I'm feeling pretty bad about it. I've been in and out of recovery for 9 years and had some time under my belt. I didn't relapse on what I've been to rehab for but to me it's all the same. I felt so bad I left my program and the sad thing is I don't wanna quit. I do deep down I guess but I'm so addicted to my thing now it's crazy. My mom is dying of cancer and I've had it together now I just feel terrible. Now she can go any day and I'll be dirty when she dies. I just needed to get this out. I'm sure if you search my posts it's evident what I've been doing. Something I never thought I'd do. I'm prob gonna tell my shrink Friday but I don't want no detox or anything. The problem with what I'm doing is I actually need it for medical reasons so it's tricky. My sponser knows, well ex sponser. I'm so tired of steps and spiritual pricipals. But I wanna live so I need to do the right thing. I'm really on the fence about this. I figured I'd reach out to the blue light community for guidance. Thank you for reading and if you pray, pray for my mom. Thanks.
 
First off, happy thanksgiving my friend. I'm sorry about what you're going through, it isn't easy. And even some of us that just knew we would never be "that guy" ended up him. I am a big believer in personal choice.. YOU control your destiny. You got here bc of a multitude of decisions that probably seemed routine or minutia at the time, but collectively added up to get you where you are. You have to start making different decisions obviously, and I'm not speaking from a high horse, I'm going through things myself. If you can get your hands on a book called the power of habit, I recommend it. Regardless of how you proceed, cherish your time with your mom and know she loves you unconditionally. If I were you, and seriously wanted to move forward I would talk to him about changing mess to something you don't have a history of that kind of abuse with (if you know what I mean) at a minimum. What has been helping me is thinking about every single decision that I make on a grandiose scale and think about how collectively my decisions will shape my tomorrow. Every single one. For me it's the difference in the life I want and a terrible existence. It is worth it to struggle through this. I know you said you get tired of the spiritual side of things, and I was wondering have you ever looked into SMART recovery programs. It places and emphasizes the power on personal choice for those who aren't what you would call spiritual. Don't beat yourself up. You know who you are... Be that person. Be who you want to be and do whatever you got to do to achieve it. In retrospect, time goes by so fast, but in the present it ticks off painfully slowly. It seems cruel when you have to do something like detox, but it will be a blip on the story of your life if you want it to be and it doesn't have to define you. Set some goals, start to emphasize the importance of every decision no matter how small, and look forward to better days ahead.
 
Well my mom passed away this morning and as I said before my new bad habit has come with some guilt. Well I got home a little while ago and did the deed and I swear I could feel my mom looking down on me. That was enough for me. I'm done and going to a meeting in 10 min. My sponser was cool and just said let's pick up where we left off. I'm excited about my program and never wanna feel that guilt again. God willing I will soar into another plane of existence and get this thing right and no more in and out and messing with shit I don't need to be. If y'all are the praying type, please pray for me and my family during this rough time. Thank you
 
Sorry for your loss . Hope you can get through this time ok. This struggle with loss of your mom has got to be hard hang in there the guilt of using is so hard. Try stay close to the program for support now more than ever
 
Closeau: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother... I will pray for her soul to be at peace and pain free now, and for you to to get back on track with your program of recovery. I have read a lot of your posts, as I use BL as a source of motivation to taper off my prescribed pain meds, but continue to struggle. Anyway, I think your honesty is apparent and will serve you well in your own addiction struggles.
 
Omg I hope this is some sort of joke . This is just horrendous and I thought my situation was bad ... I guess you get put into perspective quickly with stories like these ... I can't even imagine . If u don't mind me asking what drug or class of drugs did you relapse/have difficulty with?
 
Dilaudid iv. I started preparing today but decided not to. I'm done. Just take it orally like I'm supposed to and it controls my pain fine.
 
You are in my prayers. This is not an easy road we trip, stumble and sometimes fall. Keep your eye on the prize stay in your program no matter what. This can't be done for your mom it has to be done for you.

Good luck I have prayed for your mom and now they are for you

Ron
 
I bet it's easy to say we pray for your mom but to experience that yourself... Can't even imagine . I'm so sorry to hear that , the guilt you already get during withdrawals I cried to my mom for not doing the dishes while being an addict during detox I can't imagine if she passed away :( I really hope you figure your self out I don't pray but I will pray for you .
 
Closeau...I am so sorry for your loss. I get what you mean by you feel like your mom is watching you. I have lost both of my parents, within 16mos of eachother. I felt the same thing.

Things with my parents weren't the greatest when I lost them...it wasn't due to drugs. But after I lost my dad (he died after my mom), when I was using my first thought always was "You hate yourself this much", then it was my dad being really sad to see what it all turned out like.

I know your mom loves you unconditionally. And chronic pain is a tricky thing w addiction. Upon my release from jail I was court ordered to a chronic pain rehab. I was the only one that was there from jail...it fascinated the other patients in the program.-who are now some of my bestfriends in the world. One of them came in with 3 100mcg fentanyl patches was on dilauded, methadone, valium (holy shit, as out of it as she was, I talked her into staying there...she was iffy about it)...I told them the meds we got for pain are stronger than heroin, I was living proof. They asked me questions "You really used heroin with a needle"..."yes I really did"..".and I was exactly, for the most part, like you guys." I never had 3 100mcg patches on and prescribed all of the above...but it all started with 10mg of OxyContin

Closeau...you ared vulnerable and fragile right now. Losing your mom is a big deal. Grief, to me, is like riding a surfboard. Even though the waves are always hard to ride, some are extremely turbulent and too rough to ride. So you need someone 24/7 right now. I still cry over my mom and dad, and they've been gone for a few years. I don't see that ever changing. However, you can get through it without using. And PM me anytime...that offer is always standing. <3
 
I want to thank you all for your support and prayers. I can feel it. Have stayed away from my drug misuse and taking everything on schedule. I feel like I'm in a trance, almost like I'm hungover from alcohol but Ityll pass. I think after the service Tuesday things will start to heal. I still live in her house. She moved out a year ago in with my aunt to be cared for but this whole house is a reminder. So much to do but my sisters from Cali are here helping with her room. Anyway just keep going to meetings and sticking close to the program will help. And getting online and seeing touching posts by you all helps tremendously. Thank you all and I will PM you stargazer. Thanks
 
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