ManInTheMirror
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2015
- Messages
- 2
Hey there Bluelight. I'm not a member here, but I have lurked on and off occasionally for the past couple years, and have decided to make an account for the sole purpose of posting this report. I've explained the experience to friends before, but it's just so hard to explain. Maybe writing it out will help me get a grasp of it all.
You can skip to the next paragraph if you don't want the backstory. This took place in early 2013 if I remember correctly. I used to be a semi-severe drug addict, and am currently, and probably will continue to be for as long as I live, recovering from addiction to substances in general; used to take quite a decent amount of MDMA, opiates, amphetamines, etc and have had quite a bit of experience with many different substances like LSD, shrooms, DXM, DPH, cocaine, among many other things including several research chemicals not worth mentioning - I never had issues with any one specific drug but more-so everything altogether. This all came to a cataclysmic halt when I did some things I shouldn't have and ended up finishing my highschool career in a different state because I was forced to move out of my fathers house. I thank whatever holy deity there is up there for forcing this change on me as I would likely be dead or in prison if things continued to escalate as fast as they were. I still experiment every now and then with psychedelics every few months or so but don't want to fall too deep into temptation, I should probably quit altogether but I'm working on it! At the time of this experience I was in a very dark place mentally, I hated myself and everything about me - but I wasn't really consciously aware of it. Everything just kinda had a tint of "I'm shit" to it, if that makes sense. This experience ended that but simultaneously indicated the start of something (arguably) much worse. But that's behind me now. At this time I'm doing pretty well off and am starting to figure things out for myself. Enough of that though, here's my account of things.
I don't remember what day of the week it was or what I was doing or planning for it. I had gotten my hands of HBW from online shopping after discussing it quite a bit with friends at the time. I had done it a few times prior, and each of them had sorta led to this moment. I'd get minor visuals, visual distortions, some enhanced colors and giddy thoughts. Euphoria was also present, of course. But nothing quite like this.
I lived with my father and grandfather at the time and just liked getting fucked up. Anything made me happy. So I decided to eat some more of "the seeds" as I called them and hid in the bathroom so that the others in my house wouldn't notice I was doin what I do every day. At one point I started making noises and my dad ran to the bathroom to check on me, but somehow I managed to convince him I was totally sane. That may have been an earlier experience, it's all blurred now.
Anyway so I ate the seeds and sat in the bathroom waiting for the effects to kick in. After some time I started to notice the usual distortions (and horrible leg pain) I get with HBW. I laid on the floor and stared at everything, taking in all the bending shapes and watched as the tile's designs flowed like bacteria through a microscope, or oily water, or something. On previous experiences I had noticed that whenever I looked in the mirror, my reflection would stare back at me, almost invitingly or like it was daring me to notice it. I had never paid much attention but when I stood up and stared in the mirror I saw my now-shirtless (I'm a dude and don't recall when I decided to take my top off) body and watched as I subtly morphed into different "attitudes" of myself, frail/sick into intimidating/warrior-like. It was exciting and interesting. Then I stared into my eyes. They were beautiful to me, the normal hazel turned into piercing golden-green. My pupils looked as if they were breathing, dilating and contracting with every second that passed (possibly hallucinated this but my pupils were definitely much larger than usual due to the LSA).
I stared deep into my own eyes for several minutes, maybe 15-20, when, much to my confusion, the mirror stopped looking like my reflection and more like I was looking into a window at a man identical to myself, matching my motions. The taunting gaze from previous trips now came back, but it had my attention now. And I had his full attention as well. Things quickly became less pleasant.
At first, the man spoke relatively softly, in a whisper, but then the voice (my voice) began to distort into a goofy, malevolent tone. Like a harsh whisper, how I would envision something like a cross between a snake and an evil jester talking. I can still remember the voice clearly, it was definitely not my own. The enunciations, the way the words slurred were not of my own character. He began to taunt me and say things like "This is what you wanted" "You wanted to get FUCKED up" etc etc. Then he got into this sort of mantra saying "this is what it is, isn't it" over and over again for several minutes. I must stress the fact that I was verbally saying these words aloud, that it was coming from my lungs and mouth, but that there is no way it was actually me saying it.
After a short time repeating these words the man in the mirror started screaming at me (in his harsh whisper) everything I despised about myself, whether I was aware of it or not. How I used people, about my physical desires, about my self-hatred, about each and every one of my insecurities, including my opinions on the "good and bad side" of my face. I might add that my opinions on the "good side of my face" have done a complete 180 as of this experience, because of this experience, although they're much more neutral and accepting now.
I watched in horror as my reflection berated me and yelled at me for a little over an hour. I was bawling but at the same time my reflection, despite having tears pour down its face, showed no emotion and continued to swear and chastise me and everything about my character, my personality, my wants and desires, my subconscious. Things I wasn't even aware of but knew were 100% true.
I don't remember how the one-sided conversation ended but ultimately I went to bed sobbing and fell asleep after some time, somehow.
The next day I woke up and was fully aware of all my vices. I vowed to change them, and have been working on them ever since. My drug use got worse over time, as stated in that early paragraph, and I became a complete wreck. I only got back on track in the middle of last year.
I can still sometimes see the man in the mirror, honestly, even when I'm sober. He stares at me for an instant and then disappears, leaving only my reflection. A few times he has spoken a quick sentence, greeting me with his usual playfully angry "Hey there" although not since the start of this year. I'm in a much better place now. It was a strange experience. A horrible experience.
Overall, though? This experience was life changing and had a positive impact on my life (although not fully realized until much later, and I may not be done with the effects of this experience for quite some time to come...)
Would I recommend others to research HWB and its counterparts? Sure. I don't have any reason to believe it'll have the same experience for you as it did for me. But I haven't touched it since and I doubt I'll touch it ever again.
Hopefully some of you found this to be at least a somewhat intriguing read, and hopefully allowing myself to type this out will help me better understand what happened. To me, it remains the single event in my life that stands out the most.
Thank you
You can skip to the next paragraph if you don't want the backstory. This took place in early 2013 if I remember correctly. I used to be a semi-severe drug addict, and am currently, and probably will continue to be for as long as I live, recovering from addiction to substances in general; used to take quite a decent amount of MDMA, opiates, amphetamines, etc and have had quite a bit of experience with many different substances like LSD, shrooms, DXM, DPH, cocaine, among many other things including several research chemicals not worth mentioning - I never had issues with any one specific drug but more-so everything altogether. This all came to a cataclysmic halt when I did some things I shouldn't have and ended up finishing my highschool career in a different state because I was forced to move out of my fathers house. I thank whatever holy deity there is up there for forcing this change on me as I would likely be dead or in prison if things continued to escalate as fast as they were. I still experiment every now and then with psychedelics every few months or so but don't want to fall too deep into temptation, I should probably quit altogether but I'm working on it! At the time of this experience I was in a very dark place mentally, I hated myself and everything about me - but I wasn't really consciously aware of it. Everything just kinda had a tint of "I'm shit" to it, if that makes sense. This experience ended that but simultaneously indicated the start of something (arguably) much worse. But that's behind me now. At this time I'm doing pretty well off and am starting to figure things out for myself. Enough of that though, here's my account of things.
I don't remember what day of the week it was or what I was doing or planning for it. I had gotten my hands of HBW from online shopping after discussing it quite a bit with friends at the time. I had done it a few times prior, and each of them had sorta led to this moment. I'd get minor visuals, visual distortions, some enhanced colors and giddy thoughts. Euphoria was also present, of course. But nothing quite like this.
I lived with my father and grandfather at the time and just liked getting fucked up. Anything made me happy. So I decided to eat some more of "the seeds" as I called them and hid in the bathroom so that the others in my house wouldn't notice I was doin what I do every day. At one point I started making noises and my dad ran to the bathroom to check on me, but somehow I managed to convince him I was totally sane. That may have been an earlier experience, it's all blurred now.
Anyway so I ate the seeds and sat in the bathroom waiting for the effects to kick in. After some time I started to notice the usual distortions (and horrible leg pain) I get with HBW. I laid on the floor and stared at everything, taking in all the bending shapes and watched as the tile's designs flowed like bacteria through a microscope, or oily water, or something. On previous experiences I had noticed that whenever I looked in the mirror, my reflection would stare back at me, almost invitingly or like it was daring me to notice it. I had never paid much attention but when I stood up and stared in the mirror I saw my now-shirtless (I'm a dude and don't recall when I decided to take my top off) body and watched as I subtly morphed into different "attitudes" of myself, frail/sick into intimidating/warrior-like. It was exciting and interesting. Then I stared into my eyes. They were beautiful to me, the normal hazel turned into piercing golden-green. My pupils looked as if they were breathing, dilating and contracting with every second that passed (possibly hallucinated this but my pupils were definitely much larger than usual due to the LSA).
I stared deep into my own eyes for several minutes, maybe 15-20, when, much to my confusion, the mirror stopped looking like my reflection and more like I was looking into a window at a man identical to myself, matching my motions. The taunting gaze from previous trips now came back, but it had my attention now. And I had his full attention as well. Things quickly became less pleasant.
At first, the man spoke relatively softly, in a whisper, but then the voice (my voice) began to distort into a goofy, malevolent tone. Like a harsh whisper, how I would envision something like a cross between a snake and an evil jester talking. I can still remember the voice clearly, it was definitely not my own. The enunciations, the way the words slurred were not of my own character. He began to taunt me and say things like "This is what you wanted" "You wanted to get FUCKED up" etc etc. Then he got into this sort of mantra saying "this is what it is, isn't it" over and over again for several minutes. I must stress the fact that I was verbally saying these words aloud, that it was coming from my lungs and mouth, but that there is no way it was actually me saying it.
After a short time repeating these words the man in the mirror started screaming at me (in his harsh whisper) everything I despised about myself, whether I was aware of it or not. How I used people, about my physical desires, about my self-hatred, about each and every one of my insecurities, including my opinions on the "good and bad side" of my face. I might add that my opinions on the "good side of my face" have done a complete 180 as of this experience, because of this experience, although they're much more neutral and accepting now.
I watched in horror as my reflection berated me and yelled at me for a little over an hour. I was bawling but at the same time my reflection, despite having tears pour down its face, showed no emotion and continued to swear and chastise me and everything about my character, my personality, my wants and desires, my subconscious. Things I wasn't even aware of but knew were 100% true.
I don't remember how the one-sided conversation ended but ultimately I went to bed sobbing and fell asleep after some time, somehow.
The next day I woke up and was fully aware of all my vices. I vowed to change them, and have been working on them ever since. My drug use got worse over time, as stated in that early paragraph, and I became a complete wreck. I only got back on track in the middle of last year.
I can still sometimes see the man in the mirror, honestly, even when I'm sober. He stares at me for an instant and then disappears, leaving only my reflection. A few times he has spoken a quick sentence, greeting me with his usual playfully angry "Hey there" although not since the start of this year. I'm in a much better place now. It was a strange experience. A horrible experience.
Overall, though? This experience was life changing and had a positive impact on my life (although not fully realized until much later, and I may not be done with the effects of this experience for quite some time to come...)
Would I recommend others to research HWB and its counterparts? Sure. I don't have any reason to believe it'll have the same experience for you as it did for me. But I haven't touched it since and I doubt I'll touch it ever again.
Hopefully some of you found this to be at least a somewhat intriguing read, and hopefully allowing myself to type this out will help me better understand what happened. To me, it remains the single event in my life that stands out the most.
Thank you
Ive always liked watching the community here and I'm glad to be a part of it now, albeit just getting my feet wet with it.