stillkickin
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2015
- Messages
- 199
(First off, hats off to anyone that takes the dive and reads all of this, didn't realize it would turn out to be such a long write/read)
Hey everyone,
Figured I may as well start a thread for documentation purposes and to give back to the community that has helped me out with similar threads. I think it may help me keep myself a bit more accountable for my actions if I have them documented to a degree. Hoping I stick with this as well as the whole kicking opiates part.
General info about me:
I'm a guy in his early 30's. Have a great engineering job at a large company where I live making good money. I don't know how I've managed to keep it over the last 5 years given everything that's went down in that time frame. I own a house, a nice car, and a nice motorcycle I enjoy riding when I'm not hurting/detoxing. I'm thin but not in nearly as good of shape as I have been in the past (guess that applies to most of us though).
I was divorced about 3.5 years ago from a 9 year relationship and 4 year marriage (this definitely fucked me up pretty bad and contributed to my growing taste for opiates to shut out the bad feelings). I have chronic stomach pain stemming from moderate to severe IBS along with diagnosed fibromyalgia (what I started getting prescribed opiates for).
Drug abuse:
(During all of the next times discussed, I was smoking cannabis and was on ambien and xanax to some extent)
I started in on just 5mg hydro's when I was probably about 24 as they "helped me sleep and helped my stomach". There isn't anything false about that statement. At the time, they certainly did both of those things.
Fast forward a year or two, things started getting rockier and rockier in my relationship. I won't play the blame game about that but there was a lot of tension in the relationship, mostly stemming from finances and lack thereof. My ex had a grand vision of how life was supposed to be that didn't align with my own expectations. She was from a more privileged background where I was born into low-income housing and was raised essentially in the same. This led me to increasing my intake of opiates and expanding out to oxy. I probably got up to around 30mg/day when an "old friend" of mine said he could get "morphine caps" downtown. I took his word for it and ended up in some seedy areas of town copping "caps" (I found out a couple of years these were actually just H caps). I ended up detoxing while working on my car and didn't know what was happening to me. My anxiety was through the roof and I felt so ill. I ended up losing my temper "as a mid 20's kid can do" and through a hard right hand at what I thought was particle board. It wasn't, was compressed would and shattered my right hand.
I ended up in the hospital and got shot up with 4 shots of dillaudid. This immediately remedied all of my problems including my shattered hand which later required 5 screws and a titanium plate (I should have realized at this point the opiates were taking over pretty hard). Since I ended up needing surgery, I had a pretty good access to opiates for the better part of 2 months....until I ran out. This was my first hard C/T detox. It rocked my world. My wife at the time had no idea of how to deal with me and I didn't know how to deal with myself. After about a week of suffering, I came out of it and thought I was all good. I promised my ex I wouldn't get my scripts for oxy anymore and I kept my word for a few months. I then started picking up my 40 x 5mg oxies again (that's not that much is what I told myself). I kept myself in check for the better part of the next year until I found out about a semi-local pain management clinic that specialized in fibromyalgia and IBS along with a lot of other ailments.
I thought I was on my way to reaching my bliss. I was getting 180 x 10mg hydros (since hydros were still schedule III at that time and could get refills with minimal visits to the pain doc). Over the course of the next 6 months that slowly graduated to 240. This is when the marriage finally about hit the beginning of the end. Once I found out that there was nothing I could do to save it, I succumbed to switching to 150 x 15mg oxy's. Then on all the way up to 300 x 15mg oxy's once the divorce was final and she was moved out. I was on the 300x for about a year just miserable when I wasn't completely numb. I should also point out that I was taking around 20-30 x 15mg oxy's daily as I was supplementing considerably from the street with more 15's through someone I ended up meeting that knew people.
I was dropping so much money on this I practically bankrupted myself. At the end of 2013 after multiple failed attempts of detoxing and going through hell almost every weekend I got on a fast suboxone taper and got my first victory of getting off of opiates. I made about 7 months in 2014 completely off of everything. This was the time I realized I had a lot of unresolved issues in my life including still taking 1-3mg of xanax a day for sleep and anxiety and was still on an SSRI that I didn't feel was helping me at all but was causing some physical side effects that were not at all desirable.
Since I decided to kick the SSRI first, I allowed myself to get another refill of "just 10mg hydros" to help cope with the SSRI detox. I got through the SSRI detox and then decided it was time to kick the benzos in November 2014. This was so much harder than I ever imagined. This really fucked me up and I still refer to kicking the benzos as mental terrorism that went on for the better part of 6-7 months. I felt pretty free from the benzos by May-June of this year. I've since been working on kicking the oxy/hydros ever since with minimal success.
Present day:
So now I've busted my ass at my job and worked out getting some "comp days" to plan another attempt at detoxing and getting it to stick. I've been able to get myself completely off the oxy and down to around 50-100mg/day of hydro.
Yesterday at 10am I had my last big dose of 40mg of hydro. I've made that stretch until this morning where I woke up feeling pretty damn shitty and I dosed with 10mg. This left me with 20mg total of hydro left to my name. I've gotten through the day better than I thought I would until I was somehow able to dose off and take a nap from about 2pm to 4pm. I woke up rather violently to my phone going off and felt like pure shit. Sweating while freezing and just completely had the wind knocked out of me. Stomach churning and back feeling like it's in a vise. I took a 5mg hydro and long hot shower which seemed to help for about 2 hours. I'm now back to hurting rather well but feeling mentally stronger than what I typically have in the past when I'm at this point (probably has a lot to do with knowing I have about 5 more days off before I have to go back to the office).
I think I've prepared for this about as good as someone is able to do given all of my experiences in the past. I have plenty of clonidine, gabapentin, immodium, xanax (only if desperately needed as I can't risk dependence to those every again), and nutritional drinks for when I can't eat. I did all my laundry earlier this week, paid all my late bills, and have prepped myself to binge watch television.
--------------
So that's my story. Anyone have any conversation they'd like to discuss as a result of reading this?? Anyone else out there kinda doing the same damn thing I am?? I could certainly use the company and would love to read others' experiences. Reading other persons' detox stories have helped me so much, I had to at least attempt to post one. Even if it only encourages one other person to give it a shot, it's well worth it. I really want to take my life to a different level and I know I can't get there while still staying on the hook with opiates.
Hey everyone,
Figured I may as well start a thread for documentation purposes and to give back to the community that has helped me out with similar threads. I think it may help me keep myself a bit more accountable for my actions if I have them documented to a degree. Hoping I stick with this as well as the whole kicking opiates part.
General info about me:
I'm a guy in his early 30's. Have a great engineering job at a large company where I live making good money. I don't know how I've managed to keep it over the last 5 years given everything that's went down in that time frame. I own a house, a nice car, and a nice motorcycle I enjoy riding when I'm not hurting/detoxing. I'm thin but not in nearly as good of shape as I have been in the past (guess that applies to most of us though).
I was divorced about 3.5 years ago from a 9 year relationship and 4 year marriage (this definitely fucked me up pretty bad and contributed to my growing taste for opiates to shut out the bad feelings). I have chronic stomach pain stemming from moderate to severe IBS along with diagnosed fibromyalgia (what I started getting prescribed opiates for).
Drug abuse:
(During all of the next times discussed, I was smoking cannabis and was on ambien and xanax to some extent)
I started in on just 5mg hydro's when I was probably about 24 as they "helped me sleep and helped my stomach". There isn't anything false about that statement. At the time, they certainly did both of those things.
Fast forward a year or two, things started getting rockier and rockier in my relationship. I won't play the blame game about that but there was a lot of tension in the relationship, mostly stemming from finances and lack thereof. My ex had a grand vision of how life was supposed to be that didn't align with my own expectations. She was from a more privileged background where I was born into low-income housing and was raised essentially in the same. This led me to increasing my intake of opiates and expanding out to oxy. I probably got up to around 30mg/day when an "old friend" of mine said he could get "morphine caps" downtown. I took his word for it and ended up in some seedy areas of town copping "caps" (I found out a couple of years these were actually just H caps). I ended up detoxing while working on my car and didn't know what was happening to me. My anxiety was through the roof and I felt so ill. I ended up losing my temper "as a mid 20's kid can do" and through a hard right hand at what I thought was particle board. It wasn't, was compressed would and shattered my right hand.
I ended up in the hospital and got shot up with 4 shots of dillaudid. This immediately remedied all of my problems including my shattered hand which later required 5 screws and a titanium plate (I should have realized at this point the opiates were taking over pretty hard). Since I ended up needing surgery, I had a pretty good access to opiates for the better part of 2 months....until I ran out. This was my first hard C/T detox. It rocked my world. My wife at the time had no idea of how to deal with me and I didn't know how to deal with myself. After about a week of suffering, I came out of it and thought I was all good. I promised my ex I wouldn't get my scripts for oxy anymore and I kept my word for a few months. I then started picking up my 40 x 5mg oxies again (that's not that much is what I told myself). I kept myself in check for the better part of the next year until I found out about a semi-local pain management clinic that specialized in fibromyalgia and IBS along with a lot of other ailments.
I thought I was on my way to reaching my bliss. I was getting 180 x 10mg hydros (since hydros were still schedule III at that time and could get refills with minimal visits to the pain doc). Over the course of the next 6 months that slowly graduated to 240. This is when the marriage finally about hit the beginning of the end. Once I found out that there was nothing I could do to save it, I succumbed to switching to 150 x 15mg oxy's. Then on all the way up to 300 x 15mg oxy's once the divorce was final and she was moved out. I was on the 300x for about a year just miserable when I wasn't completely numb. I should also point out that I was taking around 20-30 x 15mg oxy's daily as I was supplementing considerably from the street with more 15's through someone I ended up meeting that knew people.
I was dropping so much money on this I practically bankrupted myself. At the end of 2013 after multiple failed attempts of detoxing and going through hell almost every weekend I got on a fast suboxone taper and got my first victory of getting off of opiates. I made about 7 months in 2014 completely off of everything. This was the time I realized I had a lot of unresolved issues in my life including still taking 1-3mg of xanax a day for sleep and anxiety and was still on an SSRI that I didn't feel was helping me at all but was causing some physical side effects that were not at all desirable.
Since I decided to kick the SSRI first, I allowed myself to get another refill of "just 10mg hydros" to help cope with the SSRI detox. I got through the SSRI detox and then decided it was time to kick the benzos in November 2014. This was so much harder than I ever imagined. This really fucked me up and I still refer to kicking the benzos as mental terrorism that went on for the better part of 6-7 months. I felt pretty free from the benzos by May-June of this year. I've since been working on kicking the oxy/hydros ever since with minimal success.
Present day:
So now I've busted my ass at my job and worked out getting some "comp days" to plan another attempt at detoxing and getting it to stick. I've been able to get myself completely off the oxy and down to around 50-100mg/day of hydro.
Yesterday at 10am I had my last big dose of 40mg of hydro. I've made that stretch until this morning where I woke up feeling pretty damn shitty and I dosed with 10mg. This left me with 20mg total of hydro left to my name. I've gotten through the day better than I thought I would until I was somehow able to dose off and take a nap from about 2pm to 4pm. I woke up rather violently to my phone going off and felt like pure shit. Sweating while freezing and just completely had the wind knocked out of me. Stomach churning and back feeling like it's in a vise. I took a 5mg hydro and long hot shower which seemed to help for about 2 hours. I'm now back to hurting rather well but feeling mentally stronger than what I typically have in the past when I'm at this point (probably has a lot to do with knowing I have about 5 more days off before I have to go back to the office).
I think I've prepared for this about as good as someone is able to do given all of my experiences in the past. I have plenty of clonidine, gabapentin, immodium, xanax (only if desperately needed as I can't risk dependence to those every again), and nutritional drinks for when I can't eat. I did all my laundry earlier this week, paid all my late bills, and have prepped myself to binge watch television.
--------------
So that's my story. Anyone have any conversation they'd like to discuss as a result of reading this?? Anyone else out there kinda doing the same damn thing I am?? I could certainly use the company and would love to read others' experiences. Reading other persons' detox stories have helped me so much, I had to at least attempt to post one. Even if it only encourages one other person to give it a shot, it's well worth it. I really want to take my life to a different level and I know I can't get there while still staying on the hook with opiates.
