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Stillkickin's attempt at a detox journal - Opiates

Hey ABW,

Couldn't fall asleep until about 4 a.m. but that happens on occasion, especially when still working through w/d's. I've been up a little over an hour and while my sinuses are still bothersome, I haven't sneezed yet today. That in itself is a huge victory that I welcome gladly. Went ahead and proceeded onward with the zyrtec and flonase. I don't really wanna give my body any chance to fall back into another full blown attack. By the end of last night, I was seriously losing my patience with it all. I'm very glad I don't have any ops around the house as that would have been a breaking point for me. I'm sure you're familiar with the expression "long fuse, short switch" with regards to one's temperament? That embodies how my works to a T. That's usually what causes me cave.

Today seems off to a better start, so now I can hopefully continue to heal and be able to focus on getting all the symptoms better.

I'm gonna go searching for some of your older posts to try and paint a better picture of your history and learn a bit more about you. Feel free to share as many details ITT as I'd like to know more.

Hope you have a great day!

-SK
 
You seem to be in decent spirits. Yu seem in good spirits actually, but perhaps you feel crappier than you are letting on and are doing a great job keeping a positive attitude, which I commend you for enormously. It ain't easy!

I hear ya about not being able to sleep during wd, that drives me insane! If only, a sleep-time-machine....lol

How long were you able to sleep for? I would try figuring it out by the time stamp on your post, but I actually think i need to adjust my time zone, my time stamps are a bit off if I remember right, I kinda half noticed it while posting the other day but didn't bother looking into it much. I was feeling too lazy lol.

Glad the sneezing is better, that is maddening, too. Over and over oy.

Long fuse, short switch - I like that lol. I have never heard that, I mean, I have heard of having a long fuse. I have a pretty long one myself, but once my patience runs out...well, I guess I am a lot better than I used to be. I try to be mindful. Doesn't mean I am not grumbling inside though!

I am so glad today started off better for you...how are you holding up as of now? It has been a while since this post.

What have you been doing to keep occupied?

I hope things just get easier and easier for you from here on out. It is SO much hard work, especially when you are working. I have done that before, when I was on pills. Few years ago.

Not fun! I was so naive at first, I did not even realize I was withdrawing at first. I was like,"Why do I get all sneezy, yawny, and eyes running tears like crazy once in a while? Huh." lol DUH

Almost easier being ignorant!

Just to get to know you more, I am almost 36. Let's see....pain meds really started around.....wow, I have to think.... maybe, 5-7 years ago? I will have to think of some "milestone" memories to time it better. You know in pain management they are terrified to give you enough to actually make you functional...I would go through my script too fast eventually, and get same thing from street, this way if tested, I would not have the "wrong" substance in my body. I jkust prayed they would never check the levels. They never did. My medical records talk of how cooperative I was. Code for "afraid to be honest, because I was once, and they treated me like shit, so I was just grateful and angry with what they did give me". I moved states, and literally as soon as I did that, the news was awash with endless stories of laws tightening up around opiate scripts in my new state (where I was born, actually). Already terrified of doctors, I told myself I would get through the wd, which I did, and once in a while supplement from the street if needed. I told myself I would work up the courage to see a pain doctor soon enough that it would not be hard to explain why the pills were in my system. I missed my chance. And the weather here has been crushing to me. I previously lived in a desert, and the hot dry climate was more helpful than I had known... sigh. Here, it is cold, damp, and I hurt so much worse. So much worse. My God. I am not in the best marriage, though he has improved quite a bit over these few years, and he would lose patience with me should I not get things done the way and how fast he saw fit. He has become violent in the past, but not too recently. He drinks. I fucked up moving, getting married. One thing lead to another and before I knew it, pills were drying up and way expensive....and heroin was offered in its place. I said no at first. But, here I am!

Not meaning to ramble about myself, just some info, I would love to hear your full story as well. I see bits of it. I see you went through a bad marriage?

Feel free to talk away, I am a good listener, and am always interested in knowing and understanding others. I did not intend to ramble like me me me, but rather, to make you comfortable to share about yourself if you feel like it.

I hope you are still feeling decent, sweetheart. I am around.

Peace.
 
Off to take the dog out for a potty...in the rain :/

Cannot find my umbrella but I will put her doggie jacket on her lol, and put my husband's rain slicker over my coat I guess.

Gotta try to get this place cleaned up a little too.....I know I need to move. Blah.

I will stay logged on though and will be around to check now and then. Hope you are feeling decent relatively speaking anyway. Hope we hear from w0w soon, too!

Ttys
Peace.
 
Ha, we both kinda did the same thing in each other's threads. Felt as if I overshared in yours and see you closed your post similarly. Nonetheless, I appreciate your sharing and it certainly helps me understand you better.

You're story feels all too familiar minus the moving states.

My ex and I had our problems. She had this idea of what a perfect life should be like that she had imagined since childhood. A little to princess-esque for the reality in my eyes. Probably more than a wee bit too sheltered for her own good. Growing up in low-income housing, mobile homes, food stamps, etc changed how I see the world forever. I've fought tooth and nail for everything my entire life and can become rather defensive when someone tries to take back anything from me I worked so hard to obtain. So when she would make snide comments along with her general passive aggressive behavior, it began undermining my feelings for her over the last few years. She is a very attractive and fit gal as well as quite ambitious as long as she didn't have to get out of her comfort zone too far. I was very attracted to the image that she put forth for the world to see. Unfortunately, it wasn't very genuine. The difference is I was living outside of my comfort zone the entire time we were together. It wasn't just about me, it was about what we were attempting to build together. I admittedly can get tunnel vision and I'm sure I wasn't always the best husband. I would never touch her out of anger and chewed my tongue to the point of questioning whether it still existing, but I know I have my faults and will readily admit them. Hell, I'm on here because I became weak coping with life and was ready to let it drift off into the sunset. I still remember waking up after one of my Tuesday night's not knowing what happened to the last 20 hours with green pill paste dried to the seams of my lips from railing oxy 15's. It's sobering thoughts like those that remind me that I still have my mother and remaining sister to be here for.

Once again, I've let myself air much more than I intended, which is ok. This book will be written a chapter at a time though ;).

Good luck to your remaining efforts for the day friend.

-SK
 
Hey there buddy - Just showing you some love and support!
I had a little yet again slip up for 2 days nothing too bad though.
I am currently using xanax to help combat WDs.. I just hate resetting the cycle.
I just want it to be done and over with! I WILL NOT slip up again, I am ready this time.
I have multivitamins, xanax, and some immodium. Not going to use any kratom or ANYTHING this time.
Straight cold turkey - wish me luck buddy.
 
Hey w0w, just got caught up on your thread. Well done staying at it sir! I myself had 40mg of hydro last night when I went over to my sister's place. I probably shouldn't have taken that, but I did, so that's that. I didn't ask for anything to take home with me and have no intention of taking anything else at this point, so I'm not too worried. Since I went 5.5 days off everything, I'm not too worried about it setting me back much.

Due to inclement weather, I get to work from home yet again today. That's pretty awesome. I am going to have to get some stuff done though before I have to start filling out reports of what I've done this week.

I'm still groggy from waking up, I'll report back later when I'm a little more clear headed.

-SK
 
Good morning!

I don't thinnk 40mg will really set you back, more like a temporary reprieve.

Especially since you had a good long run clean. You are kicking ass! Very inspirational, especially since I know you suffer chronic pain, my biggest obstacle....in fact, the sole reason I ever took an opiate!

Sorry to hear about the weather and pasta only :(...but otoh, that is good that you got to stay home today.

I will check in and talk more in a bit, I need to move around and undo the stiffness that lying in bed for the night brings on lol. Hopefully will feel better after that as I awoke a bit pissy lol.

Stay strong, you are doing so great. Really, my friend. :)

Peace.
 
Keep it up, stillkickin. You're doing great! Like many others, I am pulling for you. I'm going through the same horse shit. Stay strong
 
Thanks guys! ABW, you get yourself all loosened up for the day now :D

Hey Stickman, I'll check out your other posts to see a bit more about ya. I'll keep saying, this thread is open to anyone wanting to discuss anything really. This struggle is never easy and hope you have all the strength you need to see this through!

I can tell I'm sweating out that dose last night. I don't feel necessarily bad per se, just chills interrupted with brief hot flashes and a light sweat. I have a bowflex in my basement, so I'll probably go use that here in an hour or so to help force whatever is left in my system out.
 
Man I really admire your constant efforts to push your body. It's very hard for me to do that. I injure so easily.

I read a time ago that niacin can help flush crap outta the body.I have some but could only find a time release formula which I didn't want. I'll have to read on that again.

Peace.

Edit: Ugh, this rain just KEEPS COMIN lol. NOT helping! Guess I will force myself into the hot shower, and try my best to look presentable, update my resume, I found a few job leads that don't seem too physically hard, so I want to go after them. My goal is to get a fairly easy part time job, and use the rest of that time to of course do house work lol, take care of my family - husband and fur babies! - and to try my best to get started on a little creative side business. So hoping I can grow that into a sole income, but if I can at least decently supplement an easy pt job that'd sure be better than what I was doing, working 6 days a week at a physically demanding job.....man.

How is working from home going today, SK? I hope your day is great. You have a great attitude and outlook, you are very inspiring.
 
Yeah, pushing myself physically always seems to be one of the best ways I can feel better with myself. That and I lost way too much muscle over the last 2 years. Dropped from 180 to 145lb. I'm 6'0 with a very low body fat % so I need to keep the weight on. I've got myself back over 160lbs at this point, but I'm most happy at around 170-175 with a body fat around 8-9%. I've been athletic my entire life, so becoming emaciated is not becoming for me physically or mentally. My strength is coming back and I'm finally getting back in the groove of throwing around heavy weights again. The biggest issue is the chills for me once I start to break a sweat. I just keep pushing through it though. On the bright side, when I do feel better physically, I'll have a body I'm much more proud of and will be able to jump back into physical activities I enjoy (like trail riding on my mountain bike, riding my motorcycle, hockey, basketball, etc).

I'm preparing now to have a skype interview with an IT recruiter for a position I'm interested in as a senior level engineer at a large local corporation. An extra 25k/year really couldn't hurt my life and from what I've heard from colleagues, it's a good company to work for. Wish me luck :D
 
Oh, awesome!!!!! GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK, MY FRIEND!!!! Excited for you.

I will say a prayer....

Done!

Let us know how it goes!!!! :D

Peace.
 
Thank you for the prayer and well wishes!! I just got done with the interview and all went well. I'm going to move to meeting in person next week with the recruiter's counterpart. Just trying to keep a level head on my shoulders regarding it all and not get too invested into the idea until I have all the details.

Unfortunately, reckon I'm done smoking bud until I see how this plays out. Can't risk that kind of money for my couple of rips an evening experience. I'll keep you all apprised of how it all goes down.

-SK
 
Oh, yay!!! I will keep praying for you that the right thing for you happens. New opportunities are always exciting, and you deserve it for all your hard work and kindness :)

---

Good luck my friend :) So happy it went well!!!!!

Keep up the good fight :)

Peace.
 
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Still: You are amazing!!! You got this detox down, and are moving into better and better days! And congrats on moving to the next step of an in-person interview! You have a wonderful design for your life and have some great goals!! I enjoy reading your posts and it sounds like you have the insight and self-awareness to move past your addiction.
 
Thank you both very kindly!

I'm really hoping I do have this licked. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having considerable amount of thoughts going through my head trying to rationalize picking up some more, as I know they're available again through my sources. I don't want to give the impression that I'm above or past those trains of thought. Especially with the snow out and cold weather, what else sounds better than scoring some ops and losing myself in some TV or a video game?? Rhetorical, obviously :). Also have that little devil on my shoulder telling me "Hey, look at all you've accomplished lately. You DESERVE a night to yourself wrapped in the warmth of an opiate blanket." It will certainly take time and reaffirmation of my resolve to retrain these patterns spinning behind my eyes. They say "A day at a time" for a reason.

I wanted to give some candidness as to balance my other posts, as it's not all sunshine and rainbows by any stretch of the imagination. I'm admittedly working to focus solely on those aspects, but I have noticed some disparity of balance in my honest thoughts reflected by my posts on this thread. I don't think that sentence came out quite how I heard in my head. I'm attempting to say I'm trying to complain more because that's what's happening on the inside :sus:

Heh, thanks again all!

-SK
 
It's known that it is a struggle. I did not find you to be dishonest, I found you to be putting your best foot forward, to be being optimistic, to be trying to stay strong, and you have done great!

It is a zigzag path as someone said back in I think this thread, but you are headed in the general direction.

We are ALL trying our best to make the actual best choices, based on our goals and what we need to get done.

Be strong. And if you do not stay strong, we will still be here to cheer you on going forward.

Peace.
 
Pretty sure you are at work now. Just wanted to stop by and let you know I am still thinking of you. You are doing so great.

Let us all know how things are going for you.

Big hugs and lots of love,

Peace.
 
Hope today was a good day for you, and that tonight is a good night.

Take care.

Peace.
 
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