Stillkickin's attempt at a detox journal - Opiates

[stillkickin]

Stillkickin: You did not disappoint! I came here looking for your Sunday (evening) post... and here it is! You are doing so well, and to have family around, the healthy meals, even going out to catch a movie (btw: isn't that the flick with the old movie reels needing to have been set up?) Any opinions on the quality of the showing and the actual film itself?
I honestly feel so good about my plan. My anxiety is near 0, and I feel confident. What I did was compare my taper to a Suboxone short, but not rapid taper. Like a month or so. Today, for example I had 22.5 mg oxycodone, 7.5mg at a time, about 8 hours apart. And, I felt it, a little buzz, but more importantly, took the edge off my back pain today. And, being on a minimal dose has alleviated a lot of depression and lethargy caused by taken 5 oxycodone a day. My head is also clearer, for sure. Just hanging out, dog sitting early tomorrow morning, client on Tuesday, and PM appt on Wednesday with scripts written to be filled either Friday or Monday.... I know, but cannot get them re filled too soon, pharmacy policies. Maybe you have felt the worst of the w/d's and you are only going to feel better each day,,,take care!

Hey P0kemama,

Glad I didn't disappoint! :D Thank you kindly for the words of encouragement!

Hateful 8 did have a road show where it was only being projected on the 70mm film reels. I just saw it at a local theater that had the standard digital projectors. Still looked great and was an awesome movie. I love Quentin's dialogue. That guy is definitely a genius when it comes to constructing a well orchestrated development of characters over the course of the film. I strongly suggest anyone check out the movie if they're in to those types of flicks.

Seems like a good plan you're executing. I'm very familiar with those pharm policies . Once ya get burned by them thinking you're all good cuz your script is in hand and you go home from the pharmacy empty handed and bitter, you don't seem to forget those occurrences.

I think I have made it past the worst of the w/d's. Mainly the chills are the most frustrating thing for me today. Haven't taken anything yet today but I'm really considering allowing myself that 2 grams of Kratom so I can go get a haircut and hit the gym again. It's been an internal struggle for me all morning. Half of me is saying take it so you can get some things done today but the other half is telling me to just keep my ass sat down and keep toughing out the irritating symptoms. I'll probably take the 2g and go get some things done though if I'm being honest with you all and myself, but that's the thought process going on in the noggin atm. I am SOOO sore from the workout yesterday but I need to hit the other muscles today to even it all out.

Will check in later today and let ya all know how it went. Good luck and strength to all of you!!!

-SK

 

[stillkickin]

So today feels like a big success. I took approx 2 grams of Kratom about 4 hours ago. Went and got my haircut and picked up a few things from the store. Had a great workout for back/shoulders and another 20+ minute bout of cardio. After all that I went and ate a 3/4lb burger with bacon along with 2 pints of a local brewery. A little reward to myself for the hard work put in today. Now I'm back home and going to vape a lil bud and chill until my buddy gets off work. Gonna kick it with him a little tonight to catch up. He's been out of town the last week. Still no proper opiates and don't have any around nor do I want them to be.

As far as symptoms go, it's amazing how much a hard workout can boost the endorphins to help you feel better for a little while. I'm pretty sore all over but I'm trying to attribute that to the workouts and not think of it as just w/d pains. Later tonight I'm sure my back will feel like it's in a vise but each day is better than the last. So cold outside, each time I venture out my whole body gets cold to the bone. I know my situation is making me hyper sensitive to the temp issues. The next 2 days will be low key so no Kratom starting tomorrow and forcing myself to get through till I go back to work on Thursday.

That's all for now, talk at you all later!

-SK

 

[w0w0mg]

You're doing so good stillkickin! you totally got this!!
I wish I could get the energy up to work out but I'm too scared i'm going to end up wanting to shoot myself when I'm done!
I have just been taking showers and drinking some hot tea, checking emails, on social media, ect.
Just trying to knock another day down!
once again, way to go! we got this!!! we are so much stronger than are addiction. we're kicking ass! Cheers mate!

 

[stillkickin]

You're doing so good stillkickin! you totally got this!!
I wish I could get the energy up to work out but I'm too scared i'm going to end up wanting to shoot myself when I'm done!
I have just been taking showers and drinking some hot tea, checking emails, on social media, ect.
Just trying to knock another day down!
once again, way to go! we got this!!! we are so much stronger than are addiction. we're kicking ass! Cheers mate!

:D awesome stuff man!! I never had the energy to workout per se but I just forced myself to do it. It does come with a bit of a cost as is the soreness. Yeah man, stay preoccupied, that's the key for sure. Any time you give yourself to just sit brain vacant, the mind starts getting out of hand. That's how it is for me for sure!

I agree brother, I believe we have this. Some much damn "good" time put in over the long minutes of this journey.

 

[stillkickin]

So things are all still on track. No kratom today as planned and I'm feeling pretty fine with that. Ended up drinking way too much last night. Started to have a little fun and probably took it a little too far playing pool and talking with some people I met at the pub. No harm, no foul is how I see it though. Still despite the booze, feel better than I did yesterday so that's a big win. Am sore as all hell from the last 2 days at the gym ... goodness, hurts to move any part of my body but it's not the aches so it's totally manageable.

Just ordered some delivery, gonna veg out a bit today. For the record, still have more than plenty of thoughts about taking just a couple somethins but I try to dismiss the thoughts as quickly as possible.

Ha doorbell rang and I completely forgot I didn't finish this post. Think I'll have a xanax today, been staying away from them for the most part but I could use just being chill and not restless today. Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.

Hope all is well with everyone!

-SK

 

[stillkickin]

Xanax was a great choice. For those once in a great while times, I'm glad I still have a script for them. As a rule of thumb I try not to take anymore than .5mg more than once per week. I don't always do that perfectly but it seems effective in keeping away the dependence (that's actually one of those drugs I never got addicted to, horribly physically dependent on them, but never craved benzos or got any euphoric effect from them, just helps me wind down but I foolishly used them to help me sleep for several years).

Got a good shower in and cleaned up. Beard getting a little unruly but fuggit, will tend to that tomorrow night or Thursday morning if at all this week.

 

[P0kemama]

Stillkickin: You sound like you are doing great... going to the gym... I am jealous... I am way too lazy to go at this point. I did walk several days now, with a really long walk this past week-end. I don't know how you can drink... when I went thru w/d's in 2013, my stomach was upset for what felt like forever... the thought of alcohol would make me want to barf... it sounds like you handled it fairly well. And it was great idea to go out for the purpose of distracting your mind from the opiate thoughts.

I posted on the January Sober thread that my next little step in my harm reduction plan is to space my next PM appointment farther out. I have always gone every 28-30 days, but I am going to try to schedule the next one 35-37 days out. This will guarantee that I stay below my prescribed doses each day... otherwise, I will just have to jump off if I use them up. I feel very hopeful and excited about doing this... in May it will be two years that I have been at my PM clinic every 30 days or less, so to space out the appointments feels like a step in the right direction. I sure hope the clinic doesn't give me a problem... (they seem pretty money hungry there). I will be checking in after my appt Wednesday on whether or not I completed this goal.

 

[stillkickin]

Hey P0kemama,

Things are going pretty good. I met up with another friend of mine down in the city last night, ended up having a few chardonnays (actually Jamesons ...) and had some great laughs and I was hardly thinking at all about all the mess I've been through over the last 6 days. Was a really good time. Didn't end up getting in until almost 3 AM. Today I'm not moving from the couch though. This whole process has felt like a giant victory. I don't believe I could have done this properly with having to worry about my work schedule but now I'm not fretting going into the office tomorrow at all. That and I have another weekend coming up in just 2 days where I can do whatever I want. I won't have to be stuck in the living room sweating out opies which will be a first in a long time.

That's so awesome you're able to move you appointment back a bit. I did that as well last month myself and it helped push me in the right direction. I think it will prove to be a great leap in the direction for freedom from you as well. I look forward to reading more of your posts of success!!! :D

Warmed up some pizza and gonna lounge around until I feel up for doing some laundry. My body is still officially sore head to toe from the lifts catching up with me. Hoping I feel recovered enough from the gym to make it back in there again tomorrow. Those workouts really helped sooo much. Can't stress that one enough. Helps the ego/pride as well knowing I put that work in. By spring time, hopefully I'll be back to my strong and cut former self.

Till the next update, everyone hang in there and stay strong!

-SK

 

[w0w0mg]

you're doing great man, keep it up!
Just give it a few more days and I'm sure you will be feeling alot better!
Cheers!

 

[P0kemama]

Just a quick check in: I scheduled my next PM appt 36 days out! I feel wonderful, as I used to just count those 28 days down over and over until I got my next script filled.
Also: I was prescribed morphine sulfate ER, since my insurance is in limbo, and my Oxycontin was discontinued. Morphine is perfect for me to taper with, as I get no buzz, although I do get some pain relief, and it keeps the bad w/d symptoms away. Thanks for your support and "allowing" me to post here.

 

[stillkickin]

Just a quick check in: I scheduled my next PM appt 36 days out! I feel wonderful, as I used to just count those 28 days down over and over until I got my next script filled.
Also: I was prescribed morphine sulfate ER, since my insurance is in limbo, and my Oxycontin was discontinued. Morphine is perfect for me to taper with, as I get no buzz, although I do get some pain relief, and it keeps the bad w/d symptoms away. Thanks for your support and "allowing" me to post here.

Awesome!!! Well done. I agree the morphine would be better to taper with imo. I never did get a buzz from it either but I was only taking it in order to chase a buzz so it was a big let down for me. Just seemed to raise my body temperature quite a bit. I never, and I mean never was able to taper oxy so hats off to ya for having that willpower. That's extraordinary. Glad you're still rocking on! Hangout in this thread as often as ya like, you will always be more than welcome here :D

As my life comes together more and more, I'm sure I'll gravitate back to being more of an extrovert that's never home rather than this person I've become, where I just watch movies all the time sedated from the opies. Given that, I'm sure I'll be posting updates much less frequently but I'll always try to check in on this thread and my new made friends on BL. There's a lot of people hurting out there and I know how much words of encouragement can help, especially when the majority of us are hiding this side of our lives from the people we care the most for.

-SK

 

[stillkickin]

Wow, a good month and a half since I updated this thread. This feels like a good enough time to update it. About 40 hours in since nothing, so here's the back story...

The last bit of time has been pretty much 2 steps forward, 1 step back the whole time. I've used just about every weekend to detox and lower my overall intake. I've mainly been using hydro/oxy over the last 45 days. A few binge days here and there but nothing sustained for more than 2-3 days max. I've used kratom from time to time as well.

The kratom has helped me when I was out of everything completely, but by no way ever gave me complete relief from w/d symptoms. I still have some kratom in a bag but don't want to use it anymore if possible.

I took my last dose of 10mg hydro yesterday at about 11 a.m.. I did have about 40mg oxy at around 6:30 a.m. though too. I guess really it's about 35 hours since my last dose.

I do not have any other pills lying around the house of the opiate kind, so no risk of relapse as long as I stay home. By biggest temptation would be to try and bum another 1-2 hydros off of my sister, but she doesn't really have any to give although she would spare 1 or 2 more for me just out of pity. I can't be going and doing that now though and my resolve is strong not to.

I shouldn't have but I did eat a couple grams of really strong shrooms by myself last night. Was a pretty strong and rather unexpected trip. Very insightful though and was a very good overall experience. I don't know if I'm physically paying for that or not today. I've had to take about 8 immodium today to get my stomach in check. Been taking 500mg gabapentin about twice a day. Not allowing any benzos at this point even though I have a full bottle of xanax in the other room. I'm sneezing relentlessly and temp is constant really warm or chills. All in all, this is the best weekend I've had off of opiates in about 1.5 years and the closest to freedom from them since mid 2014.

I wanted to post to let everyone know I haven't given up and am closer than ever. It always seems from my own experience and everything I've read, most of us takes quite a few attempts before we can ever get free. I've been in the trenches fighting this for so long now, I just need it all to be over so I can see where my life is truly at now. I'm so tired of being consumed with fighting this every waking hour of the day and more often than not, in my dreams as well.

Lots of love goes out to everyone still fighting the fight.

-SK

 

[stillkickin]

Day 2 on nothing.

Awoke to some pretty rough chills and general feelings of exhaustion. Slept about 5-6 interrupted hours with the help of Benadryl and Valerian Root.

These chills and sneezes are really really annoying. I finally forced myself to get some food about 30 minutes ago but still haven't had the real desire to eat it. I'm going to force myself to eat here shortly.

Any advise on how to combat the chills? I can deal with the sneezing alright but the chills are a nuisance that's getting increasingly frustrating. I have clonodine but that usually only seems to help me when I can feel my blood pressure going wonky in the first intense couple of days when coming off a higher dosage than I did this time.

Anyways, that's all for now.

-SK

 

[w0w0mg]

Hey there buddy, it seems like we both sorta fell off. no worries those. I know exactly how you're feeling right now.
I am sweating and have horrible chills. I havent eaten that well and I know I need to drink some water. It just sucks feeling so shitty.
I think clonodine, or a small benzo might help the chills a little. It sucks trust me I know. We can get thru this.

 

[P0kemama]

Stillkickin: So good to hear from you, and yet sorry to hear you are going through withdrawal again, as it sucks. Hi w0w: I have been following your sticky thread, as you know, and am glad you are back fighting the fight again.

As for me, I am using again. I was doing so well when the three of us were posting in early January, that I am shocked at where I am at now.

I wish so badly that I had disposable income so that we could meet up and all detox together... I imagine that we would have separate rooms in a nice hotel that had great amenities, and that we would have the opportunity to hang out and cheer each other on... our own treatment center.... if only....

I have been prescribed a more potent long acting opioid since my new insurance, as I mentioned in early posts, does not cover the Oxycontin. I should have stuck with the morphine, but I asked for something else, and although I had to wait a week while it was ordered through my pharmacy, I picked it up Friday. I was existing on the oxy's that are prescribed for my breakthrough pain in the meantime. I woke up last night drenched in sweat...that is after only two days on the new med. I am sabotaging my self. I am such an addict. I have to work later today and all day tomorrow, so will be using so that I can function. I will let you know when I am able to plan my detox once my calendar lightens up.

Otherwise, I am here to offer my compassion and support.... and to let you know that I unconditionally believe in your ability to live a clean and happy life.

 

[w0w0mg]

p0kemama, I wish we could do that so bad, because I know with will power from all three of us I KNOW we could all get thru it.
I have bad social anxiety and I have no friends..
I know if I could just be with a couple of people like you guys I can get thru this.
If we were just to spend 2 weeks in some random state in some random hotel, I know we could get thru this.
We would laugh together, cry together, and cheer each other on - just like we do on this forum.
The only issue is we're left by ourselves in a way - alone and that is never good for us. We need unity - we need the support.
I realize this forum helps me giving me will power but sadly, when the worse of the worse begins (boredom, paws, just feeling alone) we end up slipping up and our addiction
tricks us - saying: "oh come on, just do one" and then the cycle of hell begins. I am so tired of this. I am only 24 years old. I have wasted my life on heroin - in and out of jails and rehab since 18.
This is not fun anymore. I want to be successful. I dont want to die. I know this life style will kill me eventually. I am already risking failing drug tests when I could violate probation and spent the next 2 years behind bars. I don't want that. Maybe it would do me good but I REALLY don't want it to come to that and waste 2 years of my life doing nothing.
I miss you guys - we had such a support team going on and we need it again.
i love you all and i know we can get thru this if we just try try try and not give up.

 

[stillkickin]

Hey there buddy, it seems like we both sorta fell off. no worries those. I know exactly how you're feeling right now.
I am sweating and have horrible chills. I havent eaten that well and I know I need to drink some water. It just sucks feeling so shitty.
I think clonodine, or a small benzo might help the chills a little. It sucks trust me I know. We can get thru this.

Hey brother, good to hear back from ya. Yeah, we both haven't walked the best of paths considering where we were at a couple months ago. Still, gotta dust ourselves off and continue to persevere despite our setbacks. Really proud of you for staying the course over the long haul! Keep on keepin on brother.

Stillkickin: So good to hear from you, and yet sorry to hear you are going through withdrawal again, as it sucks. Hi w0w: I have been following your sticky thread, as you know, and am glad you are back fighting the fight again.

As for me, I am using again. I was doing so well when the three of us were posting in early January, that I am shocked at where I am at now.

I wish so badly that I had disposable income so that we could meet up and all detox together... I imagine that we would have separate rooms in a nice hotel that had great amenities, and that we would have the opportunity to hang out and cheer each other on... our own treatment center.... if only....

I have been prescribed a more potent long acting opioid since my new insurance, as I mentioned in early posts, does not cover the Oxycontin. I should have stuck with the morphine, but I asked for something else, and although I had to wait a week while it was ordered through my pharmacy, I picked it up Friday. I was existing on the oxy's that are prescribed for my breakthrough pain in the meantime. I woke up last night drenched in sweat...that is after only two days on the new med. I am sabotaging my self. I am such an addict. I have to work later today and all day tomorrow, so will be using so that I can function. I will let you know when I am able to plan my detox once my calendar lightens up.

Otherwise, I am here to offer my compassion and support.... and to let you know that I unconditionally believe in your ability to live a clean and happy life.

Hey Poke, I'm really sorry things didn't turn out as cleanly as you'd hoped. I was really hoping to read about your plan going through without a hitch. These things do happen though unfortunately, as we're all still fighting the good fight. This long acting opiod, is it bupe or methadone? I'm drawing blanks as to which one it would be if you didn't stick with the morphine contin. Either way, glad you still have the long game in mind and I'll keep rooting for you regardless!

---

As for an update for today:

Chills are still present along with stomach issues. It's now just past my 72 hour mark of nothing including no kratom. I am having some really severe sinus issues though. I don't ever remember this happening to me on other times I've quite the ops. I'm sneezing upwards of 10-15 times/hour. Nose is running fierce and sinuses overall are just wrecking me. Had to leave work to go get some otc meds from walgreens. I'm now finishing out the day working from home. I'll work from home again tomorrow as well. Taking some Zyrtec now. I'm hoping in the next 48 hours that will assist this issue to resolution. I was saying I could manage the sneezes the other day but not the chills. Boy have those roles reversed....

Much love out to everyone!!!

-SK

 

[stillkickin]

Finally went to the doc regarding my sinuses. It is just too too much. That and even when I came off of much higher doses, my sinuses were never this jacked. Doc says have a virus and all my sinus stuff is inflamed badly. Was given some Flonase. All I can do is hope that tomorrow will be better. This is friggin maddening.

 

[ABetterWay]

Ugh...so sorry to hear you are sick on top of sick! That really sucks.

I dunno though. I have been sick at the same time I have withdrawn before, and while it definitely sucks, in a way it was good, because I could tell myself my symptoms were from being sick (contagious sick) rather than sick (wd sick). It helped me a bit actually to not stress over it as much when I would look at it that way. Because in wd, you know if you just take something it will go away. But when actually sick, you know you just have to wait it out.

You are doing GREAT and I read every post you made. You write extremely well and your attitude is positive. I can tell you push yourself to be positive even when you don't really feel like it and that is a fantastic trait to have while trying to get things on track.

I am sorry to hear about your chronic health issues as well,. I personally have pretty bad chronic pain, and it is very hard. I know.

Just keep it up, you will have this shit beat in no time. You can do it. I know you can, I can tell by your writing that you have the strength and the insight and the care to get through this and make a better life for yourself.

Take good care. I will check in from time to time to see how you are.

Peace

 

[stillkickin]

Ugh...so sorry to hear you are sick on top of sick! That really sucks.

I dunno though. I have been sick at the same time I have withdrawn before, and while it definitely sucks, in a way it was good, because I could tell myself my symptoms were from being sick (contagious sick) rather than sick (wd sick). It helped me a bit actually to not stress over it as much when I would look at it that way. Because in wd, you know if you just take something it will go away. But when actually sick, you know you just have to wait it out.

You are doing GREAT and I read every post you made. You write extremely well and your attitude is positive. I can tell you push yourself to be positive even when you don't really feel like it and that is a fantastic trait to have while trying to get things on track.

I am sorry to hear about your chronic health issues as well,. I personally have pretty bad chronic pain, and it is very hard. I know.

Just keep it up, you will have this shit beat in no time. You can do it. I know you can, I can tell by your writing that you have the strength and the insight and the care to get through this and make a better life for yourself.

Take good care. I will check in from time to time to see how you are.

Peace

Hey ABW,

Thanks for taking the time to stop in and share your kind words. They do not fall on deaf ears.

Yeah, this sinus thing is really rough. In all honesty, the last time I had anything that resembled this much discomfort was from a coke binge about 8 years ago (which is the main reason I stay away from that stuff to this day). Thankfully my work from home day is tomorrow, so I get one more day to try and get over this as well as extending my progress with the whole detox process.

Chronic health issues are a real kick in the ass, eh? Unfortunately, they run in my family. I'd imagine most of us suffering inherited their issues from one or both of their parents like I did. My resolve to push past them without narcotics is very strong though and I know it can be done as I've done it in the past. I reckon I'm going to try to help personify the expression "history repeats itself" personally.

Thank you again for stopping in! Only have a couple buddies left on here from posting a few months back. You've been such a great asset to w0w! That's really awesome of you to help be there for people in need of support.

Sincerely,

-SK