Stillkickin's attempt at a detox journal - Opiates
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keep it up!!! It's going to suck for a while, but it'll be worth it. Reward yourself every few days. Whether it's a blunt or scratch ticket or new shoes or a memory foam mattress you had to put on a credit card. Stay strong!I am certainly not going to judge anyone that relapses, whether it is taking Kratom, a pill, or IV. I only wish myself and all of you forward progress even if sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back.
I'll check in tomorrow and see how you all are doing. Good luck!
I'll check in tomorrow and see how you all are doing. Good luck!
Stargazer
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^^Exactly! Listen, if I wasn't in jail, and had Kratom, or a piece of a sub or whatever....damn right I would've taken it. I detoxed so hard, seizing, hallucinating, along with all the other bullshit-including pain. I would've crawled across glass for something to take the edge off. I personally don't believe in needing the agony of going cold-turkey to teach you a lesson...I have gone through withdrawal sooo many times. It did nothing. And detoxing in a cell naked proved nothing. For what? Other than I still have nightmares about it.
Stillkicken- at first, I was prescribed 400mg of gabapentin 3x day- in jail. I was in horrible shape, so medical was I guess making sure I didn't die...so on the 16th day, of not eating, not being able to walk barely- the Dr.-who was a very kind woman-asked me what I wanted in terms if meds...she was aware I had chronic pain issues-and she also checked w the pharmacy that I really took the meds I said I did-I asked if I could have Lyrica. Being that its really exspensive, the county didn't carry it...so she prescribed Gabapentin and Tramadol. It was the gabapentin that helped me because it stabilized my mood. I'm still on those meds now. But my mg's of gabapentin are 800mg three times a day. Gapapentin helps me w panic/anxiety issues..but anyway...Yes Stillkicken...take care of that underlying bullshit!
I honestly believe if I was on gabapentin I wouldn't have relapsed. I wouldn't have been the nervous wreck I was, fighting to be positive telling myself the reason I have anxiety and panic is because I'm a weak person, etc. Stillkickin, if you ever feel like it you can read my story....I don't know exactly how you do it...I guess I have a thread from a month or so ago that tells my story I think it's callled "Coming out of the wreckage" I really fucked my life up....just like you, I blew a substantial amount of money. It was my inheritance.
But I feel better emotionally than I ever have in my life, and believe I can turn this around and manage to have a good life still. That statement coming from me is a miracle. It's because my underlying issues are addressed, still being addressed lol...and Neurontin helps me emotionally. It didn't do anything for me pain wise. Heroin, opiates-all of it, was self-medicating to not feel so anxious all of the time.. I am prescribed both Neurontin and lyrica. For pain, its lyrica.
Hey, to all of you three, its great to have this support going!! Keep it up!
Stillkicken- at first, I was prescribed 400mg of gabapentin 3x day- in jail. I was in horrible shape, so medical was I guess making sure I didn't die...so on the 16th day, of not eating, not being able to walk barely- the Dr.-who was a very kind woman-asked me what I wanted in terms if meds...she was aware I had chronic pain issues-and she also checked w the pharmacy that I really took the meds I said I did-I asked if I could have Lyrica. Being that its really exspensive, the county didn't carry it...so she prescribed Gabapentin and Tramadol. It was the gabapentin that helped me because it stabilized my mood. I'm still on those meds now. But my mg's of gabapentin are 800mg three times a day. Gapapentin helps me w panic/anxiety issues..but anyway...Yes Stillkicken...take care of that underlying bullshit!
I honestly believe if I was on gabapentin I wouldn't have relapsed. I wouldn't have been the nervous wreck I was, fighting to be positive telling myself the reason I have anxiety and panic is because I'm a weak person, etc. Stillkickin, if you ever feel like it you can read my story....I don't know exactly how you do it...I guess I have a thread from a month or so ago that tells my story I think it's callled "Coming out of the wreckage" I really fucked my life up....just like you, I blew a substantial amount of money. It was my inheritance.
But I feel better emotionally than I ever have in my life, and believe I can turn this around and manage to have a good life still. That statement coming from me is a miracle. It's because my underlying issues are addressed, still being addressed lol...and Neurontin helps me emotionally. It didn't do anything for me pain wise. Heroin, opiates-all of it, was self-medicating to not feel so anxious all of the time.. I am prescribed both Neurontin and lyrica. For pain, its lyrica.
Hey, to all of you three, its great to have this support going!! Keep it up!
Didn't sleep much last night and don't want to get up, but I have to go to work today. I'm a sales rep so probably seeing existing customers and won't be making any calls for obvious reasons. I am going to take a piece of sub to get me started today. When I get off work, I am going to lift weights again. Hopefully by then i'll be somewhat tired and can sleep a little. Good luck today fellas. Would be nice to be a month clean by christmas
stillkickin
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Ha, you rang a bell with of all things a memory foam mattress. I need a new bed like a mofo. I've been holding out since I want to get a really nice mattress but paying back debts has taken it's precedence over dropping a few k on a mattress. I still really want one though. Maybe this time next year provided I keep my shit together, I'll be able to get what I really want. I have to earn it though, that's for sure.
Thanks Area57! I'm considering the kratom still part of my taper. Doing that since Friday I had about 80-100mg of hyrdo. Saturday I had 20mg spread out over the course of the day. Yesterday I just had 10mg in the morning with that kratom at night time. Today, I'm using 30% less kratom to get a few things done that require me to get out of the house. It's a steady and rapid decrease to nill. Since I've been suffering through this entire process, I know I'm keeping myself in the zone of progress and discomfort.
That's so awesome you appear to be on the other side of all this. You've been acknowledging your issues that you were masking with opiates and doing something about it. That is definitely so clutch in making a successful recovery. My mental has been holding up so much better than it has been in the past.
I agree with you in that if you've been through c/t detoxes many times and still remember vividly what that experience feels like. I see no benefit in going through this process in full blown withdrawals. It's really hard on the mind and soul, not to mention the body. If you're pushing yourself hard and you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and know that's the truth, that should be more than good enough. As long as I'm constantly making significant cuts in intake (like 20-40% at a time) each subsequential dose, I know I'm almost home.
You're kicking ass Roxie! No doubt about that. You're using as little sub as you can to get by and this is all getting you prepared for your time off work to finish up the hard parts you can't do while in the office.
Since I had been having such a hard time sleeping as well, I finally caved on taking some xanax. Took .5mg along with some doxylamine. I think that's the last time I take doxylamine though. I'm thinking it really makes me foggy when waking up in the morning. Yesterday it took me almost 2 hours since I woke up to get my thoughts to work properly. Having time off work allows me the luxury of trying things like that.
Do you have any meds to help you with your sleep issues that aren't opiates? I can't recall if you said you did or not.
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Since I took almost 6 grams of Kratom about 14 hours ago and feel that it helped a little too much, I dosed with 4 grams this time so I can run into the office and drop off the on-call phone. I'm waiting for that to start getting these chills and horrible aches under control so I can shower up and get over there. I will say though last night when I dosed the kratom, as much as it helped at the time, within 2 hours, my pupils were back to full saucers which is encouraging to me that I didn't halt my progress too much.
Do any of you also use your pupils to constantly judge where you're at with your opiate dosing? I feel like it lets me know how far I've let myself go or how hard I'm realisticly pushing myself. My pupils have always been very sensitive to opiates in that they will pin very easily. I can lie to myself all I want in thinking that I'm suffering but if I look in the mirror and my pupils aren't huge in dim lighting, I know it's not the truth.
Thanks again everyone for the words of support!! You all are great and I wish you all the most successful day possible!
-SK
Surprisingly I feel great today. The small amount of sub really cleared my head and gave me a break for the time being, which is nice. I know I'm just delaying the inevitable, but it will help me through work and the clarity gives me so much hope for putting this behind me. I don't have anything to help me sleep like Xanax but that's something in my mind I have agreed to put up with. I just read until I get tired. Never really paid attention to the eyes like you were talking about but that makes sense. And don't beat yourself up about the Kratom I think that's perfectly fine and great that it helps. I'm just telling myself with the sub not to trade one addiction for another and I think maybe that would be the goal for your Kratom use as well. It gives you relief while your getting past the WD for a time, but you're not planning on substituting one for the other. I say this, but I also want to make myself clear that I don't judge anyone that chooses suboxone maintenance, I just don't want it for myself. I know I'll be able to put day two in the books and won't screw up today so I'm very excited. It sounds like you're doing awesome stillkickin and the others on the same journey ITT as well. If some of us can get past this, that would definitely be beating the odd and in my opinion it would be a legendary thing. Im looking forward to hearing about you guys success and day two is almost in the books. Good luck gentlemen and thanks everyone for the support and advice that have posted.
P.S: while I can't sleep, I've been reading a book called the power of habit and anyone that needs something to pass the time, I recommend it. Very good read and applicable to what we are trying to accomplish and more.
Took about .5 mg of sub this morning. I have been taking Benadryl at night to sleep. Still have a positive outlook on this whole thing, and winning some small battles along the way. I told someone yesterday that contacted me, I didn't want anything and blocked his number and thinking about that today feels like a huge win. I've been writing in a journal and reading a lot to occupy my mind. One of the things I wrote yesterday is what a monumental time this feels like in my life. I feel like I'm standing at the crossroads of a good life and a bad one and I have to make the right choice here. Anyway, I hope you guys are having some success as well and if anyone wants to talk, I'll check in here and there. Good luck guys and let's put another day in the books.
Hope everyone is doing ok, and I wish you guys a happy thanksgiving. I'm going to try to go off the sub today, and keep moving forward. Yesterday, someone called me out of the blue and offered me some for what I would consider a good deal and I found a way to tell him no. It was torture for a few hours but I feel good about it today. Anyway, I don't want to take over this thread, but I will continue to post as I hit milestones on this journey. I've seen a lot of threads like this where you wonder what ever happened to the guy. If I don't update on what I consider milestones, then you know what happened. We're all gonna make it...
stillkickin
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Dude, great job on handling that phone call!!! That had to have been be so damn hard. Hope sub jump works out good for you man! Take over this thread as much as you'd like buddy. I just wanted to have a current relevant thread for us all to discuss the process.
I had a bit of a setback yesterday afternoon. Was putting up laundry and found a small stash of a couple oxy's I forgot about. I couldn't bring myself to just pitching them so they were eventually consumed. Back to nill again. Small speed bump but I at least have to acknowledge it to move past it.
Back to playing Fallout 4. That game has been helping me a ton staying distracted. Probably have 30 logged hours already in the last 3 or so days.
Yeah if I stumbled on some and they were in arms reach there is no way I could talk myself out of it right now. A phone call was enough to put my mind in a pretzel. Just allow it to be a minor set back and put it behind you and get back on the right track again. I've realized that I always think I can "just do it one time" and every time I think I can do that, it sends me into a binge. Just remind yourself daily about the goal bro. I have a friend who went to rehab and has been clean for two years from shooting heroin and he said it took him around 90 days before the mental battle started to die down. He reminded me that once you put the wheels in motion in your head, it is already a done deal. So when you start thinking about doing it, try to find a way to put your mind on something.... It sounds like fallout 4 is serving that purpose for you. Heard it was awesome but I don't have an xbone. Good going bro, keep your head up and happy thanksgiving.
stillkickin
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Yessir, over Thanksgiving and the day after I was around family that was more than happy to "help me out". I had to eat that and get back on the wagon Saturday. Saturday and today have been pretty rough but I'm still kickin so to speak. I've finally got enough time under my belt to come back on here and show my face again. Been feeling pretty low about allowing myself to slip after putting that much work.
Roxie, hope I hear an update from you on how you're doing. I'm flying out of state for work tomorrow morning, so for the next 5 days I'll have access to nothing but some Kratom. Thankfully I'm flying to warmer states in the south west. If I'm gonna eak out this last bit, being in warmer weather will be nice.
Yeah man, I'm still going strong. I forgot to update after a week because the thread just slowed down, and I didn't want to take this thing over. I went a couple days with no sub and had a really hard time towards the end of the second day, so I've been taking things a little bit slower and just taking a smidgeon of it every day and skipping some days here and there. My mind is in the right place and I feel really good. I have a friend who is in school to be a therapist or psychologist or something and he is interning at a rehab center in our city. He offered for me to come to meetings and stuff for free, but I declined because, as I have mentioned before, I am a sales rep and know a lot of people in the area and I can't afford for it to be out there. That being said, he got me a book and workbook for the first part of the program that they go through and I'm working on that alone and talking with him some as well. At the start of every day, I think about where I want to go and what my goals are. I'm going to get there. I'm literally devoting every thought, every second to bettering myself and I'm feeling better every single day as I gain some momentum.. I'm ready to be off the subs as well. I'm barely taking any but its crazy that a small small amount will go along way to help you push forward. I joined the wellness center in the area. They did a Christmas special where they waved the joining fee. They have weights, basketball court, racquetball, ping pong, a pool, sauna, steam room, showers, a rock climbing wall, and fitness/yoga/cardio classes. I started lifting weights again, and I shoot basketball some nights when we can get a pick up game. This is a really nice source of entertainment and helps keep my mind off the drugs. I've put the wheels in motion to get a softball team up for the spring. Our community has a softball league and I've started rounding up players, and contacting the people who organize it to get a head start on everything.
Stillkickin, don't get down on yourself just keep going. You got this bro. I'm praying for you every night so know that. I don't know you but I believe in you and know what you're going through. Keep your eyes on the prize my friend and just know that we have better days ahead. Honestly I'll pm you my phone number if you want me to for if you ever need someone to talk to or text when you're having moments of weakness. I've had a friend that has been a big help for me in those spots. I wish you all the best man.
Stillkickin, don't get down on yourself just keep going. You got this bro. I'm praying for you every night so know that. I don't know you but I believe in you and know what you're going through. Keep your eyes on the prize my friend and just know that we have better days ahead. Honestly I'll pm you my phone number if you want me to for if you ever need someone to talk to or text when you're having moments of weakness. I've had a friend that has been a big help for me in those spots. I wish you all the best man.
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I just wanted to give an update in case people see this thread. I have completely quit using the suboxone, and have successfully stayed away from continuing to do pills. I did something like that taper from the drugs.com guy but I have really focused on my mindset and I remember reaching this point years ago with cocaine. I DONT WANT to do this shit anymore. I feel like I'm slowly starting to get my life back, but I know I have a long way to go. Looking forward to continued sobriety and will update down the road. Good luck to everyone that may be attempting the same.
Stillkickin, any update how things are going? I hope you are having some success PM me if you ever need to talk
Stillkickin, any update how things are going? I hope you are having some success PM me if you ever need to talk
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stillkickin
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Wow, just jumped online to read a little before bed. Was really happy to read your post. Congrats on all the hard work you've put in! Truly incredible sir!
I've had some ups and downs. Had a trip out of state and used about 8 grams of kratom a day to get through that work trip. The day I got back I met up with a chick and binged a bit on some hydro. That led to a multi day slip. Here I am at the end of another withdrawal weekend. I'm in a pretty good state all things considered. I could see myself using some kratom in the morning but I'm going to try to make that my last dose. Time will tell. Just booked a trip out of state for fun in January so I have something to look forward to. Some good motivation to keep things going positive.
Please keep posting progress notes Roxie. It definitely helps knowing how you're doing. How many days are you off everything and how's the progression of time been going?
Dude it sounds like you still have your mind in the right place, it takes time. I went back and forth for 6 months before I posted here and decided I was done. Like I said before, I don't think the Kratom is a bad thing if you taper it and don't substitute it. That's how I used the subs. The only problem is the much shorter half life. If you can run down 2 subs that was enough for me. I had a trip to Vegas scheduled with my family for Christmas, so that was extra incentive.. I don't want to be withdrawing or trying to get high. Been working out a lot and it really helps. Anyway, I'm glad you're still committed to changing don't give up and focus on achieving the mindset that will get you through it. Honestly I had to develop it and work on it. I have been off everything for 6-7 days and no opiates for a little of 3 weeks. I'm starting to lose track of time, I'm not good at marking dates. I have a long way to go, but i'm focused on a better 2016. I've stared at my living room walls and became anti social for too long. Ready to live life again.
Just for the record, I'm still getting hot and cold flashes and little chest pain/anxiety but it's a contant reminder that my body is in repair. Not unbearable at all at this point
stillkickin
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Checking back in a week later. This last week felt like more of the same. Had about 3-4 not so good days where I allowed myself to slip with the hydro/oxy. Not pleased with it but I've got to accept it and move on. Has been since Friday since I had a proper opiate. Went 30 or so hours before I let myself have 1.8g of Kratom. Only thing it seemed to help with a little was the chills.
Gotta say, I'm feeling it over the last 48 hours. So damn tired and just in a piss poor mood. My buddy helped me get to and from the tire shop since I've just now finally gotten switched from my Summer tires to the Winter tires (really late in the year where I live to make that swap, was swimming in dangerous territory on the Summer tires in sub 40 degree weather). Have been trying to be grateful and I truly am but damn if it isn't taking a lot just to show a little gratitude in my current state. He understands what I'm going through as much as a non-addict can (only person I know in RL that knows of my situation).
RoxieRoad, I'm stoked to hear you're still trudging along and kicking ass. I hope those last symptoms dissipate fast if they haven't already. I really dig that you continue to post little updates as you continue this journey. I'm sure it helps a lot more people than just you and I.
I'm not giving up on this effort. I really believe this is the end of the road for my chronic use of opiates. As cliche as it is, I'm damn focused on making a completely different 2016 for myself. I have one more giant work project to finish up this week and then survive the holidays. My primary goal is to accomplish both of those items without the use of opiates including the kratom (why I've only allowed a <2g dose at my worst states when in the previous weeks it was closer to 4-6g).
So that's the update for now. Hopefully I'll have more positive posts in the future. I'll keep checking back in regardless of the ups or downs that the future holds.
-SK
Gotta say, I'm feeling it over the last 48 hours. So damn tired and just in a piss poor mood. My buddy helped me get to and from the tire shop since I've just now finally gotten switched from my Summer tires to the Winter tires (really late in the year where I live to make that swap, was swimming in dangerous territory on the Summer tires in sub 40 degree weather). Have been trying to be grateful and I truly am but damn if it isn't taking a lot just to show a little gratitude in my current state. He understands what I'm going through as much as a non-addict can (only person I know in RL that knows of my situation).
RoxieRoad, I'm stoked to hear you're still trudging along and kicking ass. I hope those last symptoms dissipate fast if they haven't already. I really dig that you continue to post little updates as you continue this journey. I'm sure it helps a lot more people than just you and I.
I'm not giving up on this effort. I really believe this is the end of the road for my chronic use of opiates. As cliche as it is, I'm damn focused on making a completely different 2016 for myself. I have one more giant work project to finish up this week and then survive the holidays. My primary goal is to accomplish both of those items without the use of opiates including the kratom (why I've only allowed a <2g dose at my worst states when in the previous weeks it was closer to 4-6g).
So that's the update for now. Hopefully I'll have more positive posts in the future. I'll keep checking back in regardless of the ups or downs that the future holds.
-SK
stillkickin
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Wow....Thanks for the update guys! You're all amazing. Well done. Slips often are a part of getting well. It's an up and down line, not straight down to up. But each slip gets less....Great job.
And thank you Stargazer for the positive words! I know I really appreciate them as I'm sure RoxieRoad does.
Take care
stillkickin
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Whew, tough tough times lately. The mental and physical have me right on the cusp of a breaking point. The big work project I referenced in last night's post hit some severe road blocks this morning. Couple that with how I feel and I thought I was going insane. The manic thoughts constantly telling me I can't make it through this effort are so fuckin hard to ignore. I realize what they are but it doesn't help too much in the minute. All I've been able to do is just buckle down and try to ride them out.
Took some gabapentin and that seemed to help stabilize me to a level of suffering I feel I can at least endure. Very thankful for an extremely mild 21st of Dec with being so frigid with the internal temperature. Think it's like 57 degrees which is insane for where I live this time of year.
Probably the biggest win of the day is that I was offered a free 10mg oxy right before I left for lunch break. I somehow turned it down. That was very tough. Have to say the biggest thing that helped was I didn't allow myself to think about a response. Instead, I just said "no thank you" and went on with leaving for lunch.
My biggest fear of slipping is going to be Christmas with the family. My sister is prescribed norcos and being over there is going to be very tough for me not to take any. I guess time will tell. If I was able to turn it down today, theoretically, I can do it later this week.
That's all I have for now, wanted to get some of the thoughts down on record.
Good thoughts go out to everyone in the grind
-SK
Took some gabapentin and that seemed to help stabilize me to a level of suffering I feel I can at least endure. Very thankful for an extremely mild 21st of Dec with being so frigid with the internal temperature. Think it's like 57 degrees which is insane for where I live this time of year.
Probably the biggest win of the day is that I was offered a free 10mg oxy right before I left for lunch break. I somehow turned it down. That was very tough. Have to say the biggest thing that helped was I didn't allow myself to think about a response. Instead, I just said "no thank you" and went on with leaving for lunch.
My biggest fear of slipping is going to be Christmas with the family. My sister is prescribed norcos and being over there is going to be very tough for me not to take any. I guess time will tell. If I was able to turn it down today, theoretically, I can do it later this week.
That's all I have for now, wanted to get some of the thoughts down on record.
Good thoughts go out to everyone in the grind
-SK