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November Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. Thankful for Sobriety!

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Hi all! 44 days clean from drugs & the needle (59 from my DOC meth!), as I posted in the other thread.

In response to MBC: Thanks :) It's good to have a label for these thoughts--makes them easier to see them for what they really are.

I'm lucky to have two best friends who would do (and have done) everything in their power to keep me safe. They were the ones who told me in no uncertain terms that my behavior is self-destructive and terrifying to watch, who looked after me when I was too spun to take care of myself and who took me to the hospital when they could no longer take care of me, and who have supported me in my decision to move away for this recovery program; as painful as it is for us to be apart, they truly want what is best for me. They are a thousand miles away now, but I'm in touch regularly and keep them in the loop on my progress and setbacks. When the program ends and I move back with them, I will rely greatly on them to keep me accountable, and they know that.

Also, one of the awesome things about my program is that we have a 24/7 crisis line just for the 9 of us; our three therapists switch off having the phone and someone is always on-call in case we need to be talked through a particularly difficult moment. I haven't used it yet, but I've come close in moments where I felt like I was about to self-harm.

Of course, the difficult thing about my reservation in recovery is that it's not a crisis moment, but a vague future idea. I know I'm still very early in recovery, and I'm working to not judge these thoughts, and to bring my mind back into the present rather than speculate on the far future. I haven't moved further into relapse mentality--i.e., planning the specifics of a relapse, or actively fantasizing about the act--so I remain hopeful that these thoughts are just another growing pain of a paradigm shift towards sobriety.

Does anyone else have experience with relapse mentality they want to share?

P.S. Question for Erikmen: You said earlier "It seems you are taking this quite seriously and I believe you may encounter a mid term with time." What do you mean by that?
 
Happy November first everyone!! :)
I plan to post in the Staying Sober thread every day this month, tracking my progress.

I get to meet my treatment doctor tomorrow for the first time! So nervous but excited to finally be getting professional help for this demon on my shoulder. No more "quitting" by myself, cause it always ends in relapse... I've finally admitted to myself that I really need proper help, I can't do it alone. I've tried and tried, and got nowhere. Excited to be clean from the needle and eventually off opiates altogether! :D Baby steps, one at a time!

Have a safe month everybody
 
^ Great decision! I had never succeed when I tried doing it alone.
You are really willing to do this. This is your moment.
I wish you all the luck you'll need and success! <3
 
I'm a month clean of coke and pinning anything now. No plans to go back. However today I am feeling weak, it's just been one of those days. I feel like I could use something to de-stress. I haven't worked out today yet - maybe that's it. But I'm feeling stressed and pissed off, there is no one exact reason for this just a build up of shit. The day started badly and I've just been feeling wound up all day long, now I'm just irritated and annoyed. The usual solution of a few pipes of weed hasn't helped.
 
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Erikmen said:
^ Great decision! I had never succeed when I tried doing it alone.
You are really willing to do this. This is your moment.
I wish you all the luck you'll need and success!
Click to expand...

Thanks man,
but today bombed hard... My drug test results at the clinic showed up negative for everything.. Nothing in my system apparently. So they weren't able to help me. I'm so frustrated, I swear the universe doesn't want me to get out of this addiction alive. This makes no sense!! I used fentanyl, hydromorphone, and clonazepam last night, less than 24 hours ago! It should have shown up, I just don't get it. They are sending my sample in to a lab for further testing, and I should have an answer by Wednesday. Really though, I don't know how that could have happened, this is ridiculous. Easy way to throw my day off, and I'm supposed to have a job interview at 4pm, and I don't even wanna go now, I'm in a terrible mood after that.
 
Hi. Well I am new to this but I'll give it the old try. I have been trying to get and stay clean forever. I do this mind thing where the first of every month works towards not using and we'll today is day 2 no opiates but suboxone. The longest time recently was 6 months up til past may, anyway I am struggling really bad right now just getting this out there thanx
 
Papaverium said:
Thanks man,
but today bombed hard... My drug test results at the clinic showed up negative for everything.. Nothing in my system apparently. So they weren't able to help me. I'm so frustrated, I swear the universe doesn't want me to get out of this addiction alive. This makes no sense!! I used fentanyl, hydromorphone, and clonazepam last night, less than 24 hours ago! It should have shown up, I just don't get it. They are sending my sample in to a lab for further testing, and I should have an answer by Wednesday. Really though, I don't know how that could have happened, this is ridiculous. Easy way to throw my day off, and I'm supposed to have a job interview at 4pm, and I don't even wanna go now, I'm in a terrible mood after that.
Click to expand...

I don't understand why a positive test is necessary for treatment; the opiate WD symptoms are measurable in themselves, and it's clear you're using.

Try to find a better doctor hun; don't give up hope <3
 
Papaverium said:
Thanks man,
but today bombed hard... My drug test results at the clinic showed up negative for everything.. Nothing in my system apparently. So they weren't able to help me. I'm so frustrated, I swear the universe doesn't want me to get out of this addiction alive. This makes no sense!! I used fentanyl, hydromorphone, and clonazepam last night, less than 24 hours ago! It should have shown up, I just don't get it. They are sending my sample in to a lab for further testing, and I should have an answer by Wednesday. Really though, I don't know how that could have happened, this is ridiculous. Easy way to throw my day off, and I'm supposed to have a job interview at 4pm, and I don't even wanna go now, I'm in a terrible mood after that.
Click to expand...
That's bullshit man. I bet they still took your fucking money though right?
 
Started Nov by finding a foil with tons of H and H resin in a garbage can at the home of a dude I care for. Fucked me up thinkin about all day but I knew I didn't even wanna bother takin a puff, it would have been degrading as hell.
 
crimsonjunk said:
That's bullshit man. I bet they still took your fucking money though right?
Click to expand...

It was free. The intake appointments were free, and yes CH, I agree. I don't know why I would have to prove I'm using to get the treatment. He told me that he couldn't legally prescribe me methadone if my test shows up negative. So stupid. I even showed the guy my arms and I was obviously anxious and at the beginning stages of wd, as I had used the night before. Seriously though, who the hell would want to go on methadone if they aren't a drug user? This is extremely frustrating... My friend told me about another methadone clinic who is way more reasonable, but you still have to take a piss test to be considered "addicted" and in need of treatment.
Oh well..... I can't give up, I'm determined to quit.
Maybe I'll just try cold turkey..... for the six thousandth time. *sigh*
 
When I went to rehab in florida I wasn't aware that you had to have clean urine to start the program. In New York it was the other way around...so even though I had been straight for most of the month of october, I went out and used the night before my test...I ended up stuck in detox for an extra seven days even though I wasn't feeling bad.
 
Nearing the end of my move, I don't have a ton of my furniture up yet. Sleeping on an air mattress surrounded by boxes and stuff. Kinda reminds me of the bad old days.... yuck.

1 year, 5 months and 27 days clean!
 
Papaverium said:
Oh well..... I can't give up, I'm determined to quit.
Maybe I'll just try cold turkey..... for the six thousandth time. *sigh*
Click to expand...

That determination is unfathomably more important then methadone. Stick with it.

Can you go and detox somewhere? What about treatment? You are Canadian right?
 
^ Right on!! 5 months is a good mark. New perspectives. New life.
Congrats XerXoX!!
 
I am 9 months sober as of yesterday and life continues to get better. Never thought I would enjoy life without drugs!
 
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