Hey mbc, how's things with the family now dude?
I've slipped up a little. I decided since I'd managed to stay away from the drugs that were mainly causing me big problems (cocaine, amphetamines, benzos, spirits) for over a month, I could have a bash at the drugs I used to actually enjoy (ketamine, MDMA). It would have all went well, or so I tell myself. Until something very random happened. I bumped into my best mate from high school, we were like brothers from the age of 12 to 20. I'm 24 now. Anyway invited him round to catch up while he was home from London.
Well when I got home I hit a mental wall. I started thinking what a cunt I am for ever leaving such good people behind. Associating with the assholes I have been for years due to nothing more than a shared interest in getting high on drugs. Then I started to worry, what the fuck do I say to him? I've done nothing but fuck every opportunity I've had for the past 5 years up.
I had the ketamine and MDMA, as I planned to use it on Saturday, didn't expect to see him. Well I wound up spanking that gram of K in 4 fat lines and floating through different dimensions all afternoon. For some reason mid K hole I shouted out "DONT SHOOT ME" alerting everyone in the house, my rents, and after cleaning up my act for the last 5-6 weeks and them thinking I was clean they were aware I was on drugs obviously, I was completely gone in the hole unable to make sense.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Luckily they were ok about it, I guess it wasn't pipes and pins. And they are actually quite aware which drug is which but what shape I'm in. And they've listened to the research of people like David Nutt and such, and know from what I've told them ketamine helped me through PTSD in the past. Still it is embarrassing and I'm in no rush to do this again, despite feeling mentally rejuvenated after the hole.
My old best friend came round, I don't know was it an effect of the ketamine but I don't think so, the conversation was exceptionally good. We chatted about all sorts, the places he'd been, current politics, what we'd all like to do in the future. How we should never have drifted apart. It was quite something, we exchanged numbers again when he left so now at least I have my best friend back in my life.
He left just after 9pm, and it's been a lot to consider since. I've only ever moved out of my parents once, when I was 20. And between my friend I shared a flat with moving home and other fuck ups from partying too much moved home only 6 months later. I feel now like it is really time to move on with my life. I also took some MDMA after my friend left, just two medium doses and enjoyed the retrospect and some music, allowing myself to open up my perspective. I felt fine yesterday but utterly awful this morning, splitting headache and just angry at how much time has slipped. I binned the rest of it, and this afternoon I'm feeling more positive. I know now it's no more chems or booze for a long time, it just sets me back although sometimes I think dissociatives like K or MXE can help me to be more positive and come out of my depression. I know it's no more for a long time.
I applied for Open University of Social Sciences last week. As with not working (signed off - Bipolar) just now my life feels a bit empty, especially with quitting my heavy drug use. I got straight A's in the higher education prelim for Sociology & Politics before in 2011. Being the stupid arrogant idiot I was though I quit the course before the actual exam because I was working and making enough money I though - "who needs grades"
what a fool. I'm also looking into IT jobs in the South of England, I feel like the beginning of next year I will try to fly the nest again, only further from home (I stay in Scotland), somewhere busier where I can really find myself.
Sorry if this is a long post. I just needed to get it off my chest. I already knew before what I had to do but now I will push myself more thanks to the greater understanding of further experience of slipping up.
