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November Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. Thankful for Sobriety!

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manboychef said:
1 year sober today!!!! Thanks everyone for the support.
Click to expand...

Good job dude!! :D I'm excited for you, keep it up!!

phactor said:
That determination is unfathomably more important then methadone. Stick with it.

Can you go and detox somewhere? What about treatment? You are Canadian right?
Click to expand...

Yes I am Canadian, I can go to detox but i need a referral from a doctor, and I dont have a famimlly doctor. I could get that methadone doctor to write me a referral, but my main concern isnt the detx, its what happens after i detox...

I lack willpower to just say "no"... i mean, i was clean for 43 days this summer because I had no access to opiates, and I was working, I was super busy all summer. I felt great! but I dreaded coming home because I knew that as soon as I got back, that I'd relapse.... I saw it coming from miles away. I don't know what amount of treatment is gonna be able to make my brain stop telling me to listen to the devil on my shoulder. I know that part is psychological, but I find that part to be the hardest.
I really need to learn to tell myself "NO" when I'm having bad cravings. I guess rehab has programmes to assist in coping with cravings and depression/anxiety but I really feel like it will be a waste of time and money (money I dont have) to go to a rehab for 2 months, just to end up coming home and using again as soon as i get back. I need to be in a completely new environment, I need to erase my entire life and start a new one somewhere that I dont have access to these things.... but I know, that if I don't look for it, it will find me.
I have to learn to be strong, and I'm just very weak right now and letting my addiction win. I don't know why, I really do wanna quit, but I guess I'm just afraid of change... It's a whole lifestyle change I'm afraid of. I don't know why.... I guess I'm just stuck in my ways. Maybe I'm afraid of being rejected.. or a fear of not belonging anywhere. Leaving my comfort zone, and hoping that I will be accepted somewhere other than the drug scene. I've always had a hard time "fitting in" with people and drugs are pretty much the only thing I have in common with 90% of my friends.... I guess I should just save the other 10% and move on with my life but it's so hard. I need healthy friends that will still talk to me about things like art and music, and not substance abuse.

Sorry for the ramble, I didnt mean to let that post get out of hand but I suppose I'm realizing that I have a fear of rejection and without drugs to numb the fact that I know not many people can handle the kind of person I am, I don't know how to cope.
There are other underlying reasons I don't want to mention on here (yet) but its a personality thing that I have a lot of insecurity about and am working on accepting myself for.
 
I was in a similar situation papa....I was being threatened by probation to get inpatient treatment. I had stopped using IV heroin and making the break was soo hard. I told probation I was not using again to get inpatient. It didn't occur to me, that I was taking 300mg of prescribed morphine a day and would've come up "dirty" Almost always, probation and the judge don't want you on any medication. So, you are forced to get off of it, either by a medical detox or cold turkey in jail.

I know you are frustrated and want to give up. Don't. Nobody quits in the middle of the race. It's right when the finish line is coming....when you're beat up, sick and exhausted and start to not even care about the finish line anymore when you have to re-group. It's worth it. I wanted to use just to "spite" probation when they detained me after I had stopped using. But, not without a lot of resistance, realized it's me I'm spiting if I use again.

Hang in there. Don't give up...you will get into a program. Sometimes their rules seem insane. Good luck. We're all rooting for you.
 
That's the thing though, I have to test dirty or else they won't put me on treatment.... It's like I have to prove I'm a drug addict or something... Like my track marks and withdrawals aren't enough proof. I tested negative for all drugs.... everything. I don't even know how the hell I screened a completely clean test. But now I'm waiting on results from a proper lab because I know that the clinic fucked up... this is one of the only times I wanna take a drug test and have something come up. lol.
Either way, I did a lot of thinking, and I kinda dont even wanna go on methadone, it seems like a heck of a lot more work than just quitting cold turkey over and over.
I just need some kind of support I can go to when Im having a bad cravings. I can make it through physical WD, Ive done it before. I just cant seem to ever make it past the evil voice in my head telling me to use. Like.... I've come to the Staying Sober thread several times all like "ok guys today is Day 1, again..." and I really wanna say it for the tenth time but I really don't know if I'm ready again.

Where do I even start now? I feel like I fell back into the hole, even deeper than I had dug it in the first place. And I don't mean by the amount or frequency of use, but the strength of the addiction itself. It's like it came back, full force, and I don't even have a say in the matter now, I just blindly obey its commands..
How do I draw the line? Why am I letting this happen? I thought I was stronger than this...
 
I hear you loud and clear Papa. I've been clean for a little over a year. I hear that voice everyday still...and it's torture. Especially when you're feeling the way you are right now. The way you feel is part of it, and I know you know that. Still, the compulsion to use is so strong. So strong, that it brings me to tears at times. I just want to give in....and almost have.

I have this fucked up neighbor....he uses. He's this trust fund guy-who is deeply caught up in alcoholism and crack. So, as life has it, I'm getting ready to go to my addiction specialist, and he comes knocking. He asks me if I wanted him to get me drugs. Are you kidding me. The answer is "Of course I do. But should I do it. No!!" I more or less told him that. But it pissed me off that he'd even ask. Just him asking started all the psychological bullshit for me. I thought about it all day...all night. I hate running into him. It's like he's addiction manifested as the neighbor.

It's good you're getting a lab test...those tests suck. Ive been through the same shit. Coming up clean when I shouldn't have and having false positives. I agree with you about it's like having to prove you're drug addict. Between tracks and barely being able to walk you're so sick isn't enough. Don't get high Papa. Hang on. It is hard. I'm wishing you strength.
 
Thanks man I really appreciate it. I've been actively using still because I've been hanging by this thread of "should I try to quit cold turkey again?" I know today is gonna be the same old shit... finding stuff to hook up friends so I can get a chop.
A huuuuge part of it is the lifestyle revolving around it. I know you are very aware.. but i cant help it if i find it fun to go on adventures around the city meeting with people. but I also hate waiting for 7 hours at the mall for people to get back to me. It's like... when things go smoothly, I love it, I love being bad, and being sneaky. I find it fun to sneak around and do stuff, but it makes me seriously hate myself. How can I be so heartless? I mean I could be way worse.. I dont rob people, I dont sell my body. I just like to do what I do... but I DONT. I know that's just a demon talking, that's not the real me... The real me likes art and music,and making clothing. Where did that person go? I want her back... will she ever return? I know Im never gonna be the same ever again and it's super depressing.
The most I can do is make an effort today to not use, but I know that people are gonna want me to help them ind shit, and I... cant say no. I dont know why... maybe its because i used thee word "can't"... because I know that if someone uses that word, then they are already automatically setting themselves up for failure.
 
Papaverium said:
Thanks man I really appreciate it. I've been actively using still because I've been hanging by this thread of "should I try to quit cold turkey again?" I know today is gonna be the same old shit... finding stuff to hook up friends so I can get a chop.
A huuuuge part of it is the lifestyle revolving around it. I know you are very aware.. but i cant help it if i find it fun to go on adventures around the city meeting with people. but I also hate waiting for 7 hours at the mall for people to get back to me. It's like... when things go smoothly, I love it, I love being bad, and being sneaky. I find it fun to sneak around and do stuff, but it makes me seriously hate myself. How can I be so heartless? I mean I could be way worse.. I dont rob people, I dont sell my body. I just like to do what I do... but I DONT. I know that's just a demon talking, that's not the real me... The real me likes art and music,and making clothing. Where did that person go? I want her back... will she ever return? I know Im never gonna be the same ever again and it's super depressing.
The most I can do is make an effort today to not use, but I know that people are gonna want me to help them ind shit, and I... cant say no. I dont know why... maybe its because i used thee word "can't"... because I know that if someone uses that word, then they are already automatically setting themselves up for failure.
Click to expand...

I really relate to what you are saying. In fact if you dug into my post history I am fairly certain you would find that I posted something very similar at some point about "loving the game". I grew out of it. In fact I now hate having to deal with any kind of drug dealer or illicit activity I find it extremely annoying even boring. Junky Drew just rolled over in the graveyard of past Drews in my brain but its true I find the game boring. I have a feeling you will eventually feel the same way. The key is staying alive until that change happens. Sometime between age 25 and 27 is usually when it happens. 26 was the magic number for me. Hang in there and stay safe.

much love
 
crimsonjunk said:
I really relate to what you are saying. In fact if you dug into my post history I am fairly certain you would find that I posted something very similar at some point about "loving the game". I grew out of it. In fact I now hate having to deal with any kind of drug dealer or illicit activity I find it extremely annoying even boring. Junky Drew just rolled over in the graveyard of past Drews in my brain but its true I find the game boring. I have a feeling you will eventually feel the same way. The key is staying alive until that change happens. Sometime between age 25 and 27 is usually when it happens. 26 was the magic number for me. Hang in there and stay safe.

much love
Click to expand...

Well, I really hope I don't have to bear with another 3 years of this nonsense, lol.... And I also really hope I don't end up in "club 27"
I wish to be clean by 25... at least.
 
Papaverium said:
Well, I really hope I don't have to bear with another 3 years of this nonsense, lol.... And I also really hope I don't end up in "club 27"
I wish to be clean by 25... at least.
Click to expand...

Ehh my words didn't quite come out as I meant them. Sorry. I just meant that eventually that feeling of fun or that you are missing out on fun when your sober will go away. I meant it as encouragement in my head my hands just had other ideas when they typed ;). The best time to quit doing heroin is right now. For me it took getting on methadone. I don't know what it will take for you.

But there really is a study that shows most heroin addicts quit around age 27. I think the term the study used was "aged out". Now you can get a study to say just about anything so take it with a grain of salt. But it does fit my experience. I wish you all the best.
 
Ok so I have never posted on here and I wanted to share with out the life story
Basically I can't believe I'm 30 now. I girl introduced me to opiates (OC) 80 mg when I was only 18. Needless to say no habit or knowledge about opiates I was super fucked up and in love with the girl and the drug. Dated three years using as much as possible but definitely not daily. Met another even hotter dreamy girl who had similar tasted and spent about a week shooting black tar and laying naked in bed. Absolute bliss. We decided to date. About seven days in We stopped and ignorantly I didn't think I'd be sick. I was very sick with full blown withdrawal.
We ran around all over the country chasing heroin, pawning, stealing and doing whatever to just feel alright. Pretty much requiem for a dream without my arm falling off......yet. Which is kind of funny because I remember watching that with her. You would think it would be a detourant.
My entire soul deteriorated and I'm not even going to say the shit she did that hurt me so bad I developed stomach ulcers.
Break up and get back together.

Go to rehab together and separate. Suboxone. Thank god we never tried methadone maintenance.
Suboxone is great the first time you try it. My advice is take it for three day and be done otherwise things get worse.
When I was on it things would improve slightly. The fog lifts and you can get back to life I guess. Although it's just a safety net where you can sling pills and shoot dope in between.

Ok so I tried a radical new medical trial where they implant suboxone into your arm and it last six months.
I did it and for awhile I was good. They were paying me and the girl was out of the picture and then she contacted me after being clean for sometime and relapsing.

So now we are back shooting some and with the equivalent of 16 mg daily of suboxone already in my system I was push so much dope into my body to feel the drug. Eventually I felt it and the sub no longer worked which scared the fuck out of me.

Six months were up and it was removed and panicked in went to rehab knowing that a storm was coming and I tell you that this withdrawal was that worst thing I ever experienced. Like 30 days of hell. I couldn't take it so I left after being clean a month and overdosed first day out. Moved across country and was clean two months and miserable. Still felt chills for months after suboxone treatment. Found heroin blah blah. Got on subs. Blah blah.

Anyway. I moved back to Ohio to kick subs and dope. Was clean a few weeks and found kratom. Stuff helps I guess but not really a good trade for the price it costs. I had be sick a few days here and high on dope and few days there for months!!! Working a lot!
Then I decided I'm going to just kill myself. Left work without telling anyone and went downtown and purchased about a gram of heroin from various dealers. Took 30 Xanax and shot a gram and didn't die. Someone found me went a looney bin for a week and detoxed. Was not that bad with clonidine they gave me. No Valium. I decided to get that vivitrol shot and I'm taking the pills now. I have heard good things about it and think I'm getting it in two days then going to a rehab program which I don't want to do but just jumping through hoops. I do want to stay off opiates forever. You can't casually use them, it doesn't work. I'm currently 13 days clean from opiates and taking vyvanse. People say I'm substituting one drug for another but it's helping me get motivated. With the shot I know I will stay off opiates. Hopefully for good.
Bottom line. To get off opiates weening off can work but really suboxone tapering is just prolonging misery. Just get off and go through it. Doing it from home never works. Plus you have to want it. After almost dying 10 plus times I'm ready. I only wasted my 20s.
 
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Papaverium said:
Good job dude!! :D I'm excited for you, keep it up!!



Yes I am Canadian, I can go to detox but i need a referral from a doctor, and I dont have a famimlly doctor. I could get that methadone doctor to write me a referral, but my main concern isnt the detx, its what happens after i detox...

I lack willpower to just say "no"... i mean, i was clean for 43 days this summer because I had no access to opiates, and I was working, I was super busy all summer. I felt great! but I dreaded coming home because I knew that as soon as I got back, that I'd relapse.... I saw it coming from miles away. I don't know what amount of treatment is gonna be able to make my brain stop telling me to listen to the devil on my shoulder. I know that part is psychological, but I find that part to be the hardest.
I really need to learn to tell myself "NO" when I'm having bad cravings. I guess rehab has programmes to assist in coping with cravings and depression/anxiety but I really feel like it will be a waste of time and money (money I dont have) to go to a rehab for 2 months, just to end up coming home and using again as soon as i get back. I need to be in a completely new environment, I need to erase my entire life and start a new one somewhere that I dont have access to these things.... but I know, that if I don't look for it, it will find me.
I have to learn to be strong, and I'm just very weak right now and letting my addiction win. I don't know why, I really do wanna quit, but I guess I'm just afraid of change... It's a whole lifestyle change I'm afraid of. I don't know why.... I guess I'm just stuck in my ways. Maybe I'm afraid of being rejected.. or a fear of not belonging anywhere. Leaving my comfort zone, and hoping that I will be accepted somewhere other than the drug scene. I've always had a hard time "fitting in" with people and drugs are pretty much the only thing I have in common with 90% of my friends.... I guess I should just save the other 10% and move on with my life but it's so hard. I need healthy friends that will still talk to me about things like art and music, and not substance abuse.

Sorry for the ramble, I didnt mean to let that post get out of hand but I suppose I'm realizing that I have a fear of rejection and without drugs to numb the fact that I know not many people can handle the kind of person I am, I don't know how to cope.
There are other underlying reasons I don't want to mention on here (yet) but its a personality thing that I have a lot of insecurity about and am working on accepting myself for.
Click to expand...

maybe there's a long-term sober living facility, or a longer stretch of in-patient treatment you can do?

Papaverium said:
Thanks man I really appreciate it. I've been actively using still because I've been hanging by this thread of "should I try to quit cold turkey again?" I know today is gonna be the same old shit... finding stuff to hook up friends so I can get a chop.
A huuuuge part of it is the lifestyle revolving around it. I know you are very aware.. but i cant help it if i find it fun to go on adventures around the city meeting with people. but I also hate waiting for 7 hours at the mall for people to get back to me. It's like... when things go smoothly, I love it, I love being bad, and being sneaky. I find it fun to sneak around and do stuff, but it makes me seriously hate myself. How can I be so heartless? I mean I could be way worse.. I dont rob people, I dont sell my body. I just like to do what I do... but I DONT. I know that's just a demon talking, that's not the real me... The real me likes art and music,and making clothing. Where did that person go? I want her back... will she ever return? I know Im never gonna be the same ever again and it's super depressing.
The most I can do is make an effort today to not use, but I know that people are gonna want me to help them ind shit, and I... cant say no. I dont know why... maybe its because i used thee word "can't"... because I know that if someone uses that word, then they are already automatically setting themselves up for failure.
Click to expand...

Have you considered moving to a new city or province? I'd also change your phone number at the same time, and disable social media so people from your past can't follow you around.

I'd realize if you don't make these changes, getting clean will become a more difficult goal to attain. Not impossible, just increasingly more difficult as time goes forward.
 
3ra1n.5ta1n said:
Ok so I have never posted on here and I wanted to share with out the life story
Basically I can't believe I'm 30 now. I girl introduced me to opiates (OC) 80 mg when I was only 18. Needless to say no habit or knowledge about opiates I was super fucked up and in love with the girl and the drug. Dated three years using as much as possible but definitely not daily. Met another even hotter dreamy girl who had similar tasted and spent about a week shooting black tar and laying naked in bed. Absolute bliss. We decided to date. About seven days in We stopped and ignorantly I didn't think I'd be sick. I was very sick with full blown withdrawal.
We ran around all over the country chasing heroin, pawning, stealing and doing whatever to just feel alright. Pretty much requiem for a dream without my arm falling off......yet. Which is kind of funny because I remember watching that with her. You would think it would be a detourant.
My entire soul deteriorated and I'm not even going to say the shit she did that hurt me so bad I developed stomach ulcers.
Break up and get back together.

Go to rehab together and separate. Suboxone. Thank god we never tried methadone maintenance.
Suboxone is great the first time you try it. My advice is take it for three day and be done otherwise things get worse.
When I was on it things would improve slightly. The fog lifts and you can get back to life I guess. Although it's just a safety net where you can sling pills and shoot dope in between.

Ok so I tried a radical new medical trial where they implant suboxone into your arm and it last six months.
I did it and for awhile I was good. They were paying me and the girl was out of the picture and then she contacted me after being clean for sometime and relapsing.

So now we are back shooting some and with the equivalent of 16 mg daily of suboxone already in my system I was push so much dope into my body to feel the drug. Eventually I felt it and the sub no longer worked which scared the fuck out of me.

Six months were up and it was removed and panicked in went to rehab knowing that a storm was coming and I tell you that this withdrawal was that worst thing I ever experienced. Like 30 days of hell. I couldn't take it so I left after being clean a month and overdosed first day out. Moved across country and was clean two months and miserable. Still felt chills for months after suboxone treatment. Found heroin blah blah. Got on subs. Blah blah.

Anyway. I moved back to Ohio to kick subs and dope. Was clean a few weeks and found kratom. Stuff helps I guess but not really a good trade for the price it costs. I had be sick a few days here and high on dope and few days there for months!!! Working a lot!
Then I decided I'm going to just kill myself. Left work without telling anyone and went downtown and purchased about a gram of heroin from various dealers. Took 30 Xanax and shot a gram and didn't die. Someone found me went a looney bin for a week and detoxed. Was not that bad with clonidine they gave me. No Valium. I decided to get that vivitrol shot and I'm taking the pills now. I have heard good things about it and think I'm getting it in two days then going to a rehab program which I don't want to do but just jumping through hoops. I do want to stay off opiates forever. You can't casually use them, it doesn't work. I'm currently 13 days clean from opiates and taking vyvanse. People say I'm substituting one drug for another but it's helping me get motivated. With the shot I know I will stay off opiates. Hopefully for good.
Bottom line. To get off opiates weening off can work but really suboxone tapering is just prolonging misery. Just get off and go through it. Doing it from home never works. Plus you have to want it. After almost dying 10 plus times I'm ready. I only wasted my 20s.
Click to expand...

Congrats on your 13 days. I'm glad you've realized people like us cannot use opiates even once without reigniting the flame of addiction and compulsion.

Have you explored why you became so heavily addicted? Perhaps there's some trauma from your past that you're having issues dealing with?
 
Oh congrats captain H the fiend turned super hero,joking man but seriously to all of you that have made it through another day sober that is an honorable feat! I should visit this forum more it truly gives me inspiration. I like the other threads because they make me realize I'm so glad to no longer have a needle in my arm but this thread lets me see the others that have escaped that nightmare as well. I'm really proud of all of you guys but fuck my pride be proud of yourselves!
 
You can do this verri. You are so much stronger than you know. I am a chronic relapser.(I say I am, because I do not know what the future holds, and it is very easy to get wrapped up in worrying about it).

Basically, what works for me to beat cravings is to:
1.)recognize it as a craving
2.)think through what will happen if I give in
3.)weigh my options
4.)if the craving hasn't passed by step three I call someone, usually my sponsor.

Most cravings last a finite amount of time, and they generally aren't that long. I do have to say that you need to get away from those friends that use...they are just going to keep bringing you down to their level. Most using buddies are just that, they don't care if you are an amazing artist or musician. They only care about the next hit and whether you are bringing them closer or taking them further from it. Remember that you need to change people, places, and things to make a really strong go at this.
Don't hang out where you used to get high...get rid of your paraphenalia. This part is easy...the friends part is hard.

To get better friends, it starts with a journey of introspection. Ask yourself "who am I?", then ask yourself "why do I use in the first place?". These questions will help you understand what you are like, why you use, and how you can not use. I have pages of journal entries about this..(ps: keeping a journal is a great thing!!! If you don't already I would.) Then ask yourself "what am I like when I don't use?" "what did I like to do before I got high?". This will teach you who you wish to become, and what you can do to beat cravings. Most of recovery is actually gaining back the person you once were. Personally, I am a hardworking, honest, artistic man when I don't use...however there are always going to be parts to work on...I am also a bit neurotic, slightly control oriented, and very set in my ways. I work on these with a therapist. That is who I am, I had to accept it...just as you have to accept who you are. I love to garden and write music...this helps me immensely. It is something I do that helps me fight that desire to use. That desire is always going to be there....once bread becomes toast, it can never go back to just being bread again. The longer you don't use, and the more you practice thought stopping the better you get at it...and that voice becomes fainter and fainter.

in summary. Get better friends that truly love you for who you are, ask yourself the tough questions about existence, and find something you love to do. If your friends reject you for not using, they are merely rejecting themselves because they themselves cannot stop...however you can. You are going to be fine Verri...if you ever need an ear to bend, PM me.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Congrats on your 13 days. I'm glad you've realized people like us cannot use opiates even once without reigniting the flame of addiction and compulsion.

Have you explored why you became so heavily addicted? Perhaps there's some trauma from your past that you're having issues dealing with?
Click to expand...

This is so freaking true! It is this way with any drug for me. If I smoke pot, or drink, I may not get high on my drug of choice that time, but it is coming down the road quickly. If I take opiates, I nearly immediately pick up where I left off.
 
Wow man boy your responses keep hope alive for me. Your investment in your recovery is really admirable. I am whatever goes beyond chronic relapse, but I still keep trying and reading here helps most of all.
 
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