Benzo Hell

[langdonalger]

This is my first post here but I’ve been browsing the forums and think this is as good a place as any to talk about this. About three years ago I started having panic attacks again after going roughly 15 years without (I’m genetically predisposed as my father has them too and I had them when I was very young). Stupidly I was abusing Adderall to get through a job I hated and would sometimes go 2-3 days without sleep and with very little food and eventually that lifestyle brought the dormant panic attacks back and one day when I was at work I started hyperventilating and feeling like many people having their first panic attack (or in my case first in 15 years) like I was having a stroke or a heart attack and took an ambulance to the hospital.

It was there that I, like many ER patients I’ve come to find out, was given Ativan as well as a prescription to take 3 times a day. Being naive and completely unaware of the addictive properties of this tiny little pill, I followed the doctor’s orders. About 20 days later when my script ran out I had no idea why every muscle in my body hurt and I couldn’t get out of bed because I was having non stop panic attacks that dwarfed the original. Without realizing it I had become dependant on benzos.

Since then I have been on the medication carousel. I eventually switched to Xanax and then to Klonopin which I’ve been on for over two years now. Since my dependency started my life has been on a downward spiral. I’ve been unable to work, unable to drive, I’ve almost completely lost my social life and recently as I’ve developed horrible side effects like depersonalization/derealization and agoraphobia. I’ve educated myself on benzos and anxiety in general since then but I’m feeling so lost. I’ve tried to dry cut and had to go back up on my dosage (which is now 2.5 mg’s a day) because the symptoms just become unbearable. Is the Ashton Manual liquid titration the only option for me? I’m at tolerance withdrawal and I know I need to take this as slowly as possible but the length of the withdrawal is just brutal.

When I go to see medical professionals asking for help to taper down, most of them say no and the few that agree do so by trying to put me on ridiculously high dosages of SSRI’s (80 mg of Prozac for example). I’m just so frustrated with this system that hands these drugs out like candy and then when the patient becomes addicted they will not help. Should I just completely stop trying to get help from prescribers aside from getting my benzo to do the taper? I have a CBT appointment coming up to help deal with anxiety and panic symptoms but that won’t help with the benzo dependency. I’m just feeling very lost and looking for advice from people who may have gone through a similar situation.

TLDR; Became unwittingly addicted to benzo’s and have had a very hard time with a dry cut. I’m thinking of trying the Ashton Manual method of liquid titration but is there anything else I can do to make this process easier. I’m in hell right now and can barely leave my bed. I have a bottle of Lexapro that I’m unsure about taking but my prescriber wants me on Paxil which I’m sure I don’t want to be on. Looking desperately for help.

 

[lazygit]

Have you ever used pregabalin for anxiety issues? Was reccomeded it meself and worked a treat for my anxiety. Benzos nearly killed my ass! Just gotta slowly taper bro, and think/do positive things. I'm kinda in a fucked up boat too, I have severe adverse reactions to anti d's...tramadol helps my depression though sucks as a pain med. I Wish you well mate.

 

[dognasher]

UGH I feel you! My story is very similar. I had panic issues in college (like any college student) and was given xanax in an ER, with a take home, and it was off to the races! I was on and off benzos for years and then got back on them after I had my daughter. And cold turkey'ing those babies was a brand of hell I will NEVER FORGET.

I also understand your frustration with doctors. Unfortunately this is where self education comes in really handy. I know plenty of people who eventually just figured out a slow taper on their own. In fact, and I know I will get shade for this, I wish I would have done that myself because when I asked my croak doctor to taper me, and then didn't taper down fast enough for his liking, he cut me off and I had to CT, which nearly killed me.

In retrospect though, it was one of the best lessons I ever learned, because I realized that only I am really responsible for myself, and I no longer blindly take ANYTHING without researching the crap out of it and seeing all angles of the situation. So try to take this as a learning experience, hard when you are uncomfortable and your health is going south, I know. But unfortunately we as patients do not have very many rights yet when it comes to this sort of stuff. I hope that in the years to come the way benzo patients were treated will be viewed as barbaric, on par with lobotomizing people. They are very dangerous drugs, and long term use is associated with early onset dementia, depression, all sorts of shit.

Sorry, I tend to go off on benzo related topics, but I wanted to tell you you are not alone, that there are many people on this board who have been through your frustration, and have come out healthy on the other side. Have hope, you will see brighter days!


PS - I have heard of great results with the Ashton method, and simply switching to a longer acting benzo like Valium can do wonders for your taper. Ativan is relatively short acting so things can get brutal when you get down to the end of the taper.

While you still can, exercise in any way, shape, or form. Its so hard, I know. But it will help prepare your brain for the long road ahead. I took gobs of fish oil. I think it worked a little. The pregabalin idea is a good one. I have heard good things about Neurontin but that also has some brutal WDs. I did use phenibut during my attempts at a taper before my asshole doc made me CT, but only on the desperate days.

What worked for me, and this is kind of extreme - was taking Seroquel so I could get some SLEEP. If I could get sleep during my withdrawal everything else was manageable. And I came off the Seroquel no problem. I also took Trazadone as needed. It's kind of a dirty sleep but it was sleep. Once I got that part under control I was ok.

I would really taper though. Even if you did go to a detox center they are woefully unequipped to deal with the length and severity of benzo detox. I spend 3000 dollars for nothing on mine.

 

[langdonalger]

Don't be sorry I completely understand where you're coming from and I do the same thing when it comes to benzos. Also, believe me I was naive back then when I got my first Ativan prescription but now I do my research about absolutely everything that I take. You're 100% right about it being your own body and your own mind and at the end of the day you have to be comfortable with what you're taking. If I could go back in time knowing what I know now I never would have touched that bottle with a ten foot pole.

What I struggle with is how honest to be with these doctors. I too have been ripped off klonopins cold turkey before with like you said isn't just absolute Hell but is actually dangerous as you can suffer seizures and even die if your dosage is high enough. So while I do feel like my prescriber has my best interests in mind, her idea of a "slow taper" is UPPING my dosage to "stabilize me" while adding several other drugs including Paxil which is notorious for having a terrible discontinuation experience AND neurontin which as you said also has a terrible discontinuation reputation (So I'd be going from one incredibly hard to taper drug to three if I were to listen to her. No thanks).

So, I'm kind of at the point where I feel like I should go and tell her I'll take whatever drug she wants as long as I get the klonopin I need to do my own taper. I know that sounds bad and I hate being dishonest but from my experience it seems like the way it has to be. I can't risk getting cut off and if she won't taper the proper way (I've researched a ton about the Ashton Manual and liquid titration and slow tapering) then I just have to do it myself unfortunately. Which sucks because I genuinely do want the support of a medical professional during this whole process. I don't know why it has to be so difficult. Sleep has been a huge issue for me too. I have terrible insomnia and for a while I was taking OTC meds but mixed with the kpins those made me feel so braindead the next day that I had to completely cut them out. Now I'm back on small doses of Melatonin which works ok, but for some reason I still only sleep for like two hour intervals at night before I wake up feeling wide awake. Another thing that sucks is that I LOVE to exercise especially as a way to blow off stress but since I'm dealing with agoraphobia I stopped going to the gym or even running outside so I've been doing yoga and the stationary bike inside to at least do something.

Also, yeah a detox center is the last place I want to be for benzos since the withdrawal process takes so long. From what I heard they basically cold turkey you and give you enough other drugs so that you don't die but you go through physical and mental health without actually healing your damaged GABA receptors which takes months so the whole thing is pointless.

 

[langdonalger]

Thanks for the well wishes and I'm sorry that you've gone through a similiar situation. I haven't tried Lyrica yet and honestly that's one drug I don't know a whole lot about. I decided to at least try the Lexapro tonight because even though I'm not crazy about SSRI's and I haven't had much luck with them in the past, from my research it's one of the ones with the fewest side effects and honestly I've been spending like 75% of the day in bed the past week or so, so things can't get much less functional for me haha. If it doesn't work out I'll definitely look into Lyrica, if it will help during my taper without adding any serious side effects (or preferably "less" serious as getting fat and being unable to get an erection tends to make me more depressed haha) I'm all for it. Good luck with your continued recovery!

 

[dognasher]

AAAGGGHH. Man, I wish there was a way I could make this all easier on you. I feel ya, it sucks hard. Honestly, do what you gotta do to make your taper comfortable. Why you should be on three different drugs to get off it is beyond me, and I think it's okay to, uh, stretch the truth here. Its not ideal though.

Yes, I went to a detox for my klonopin thing and they gave me a week of barbiturates and depakote (!!) and then shipped me out to the wolves. While I was in there I felt pretty rad the first week cause I went hypomanic and basically just flirted with a bunch of junkie dudes for a week and talked to anybody who would listen and made besties with some older alcoholic lady who looked like Stevie Knicks (maybe it was her?) and then when I got home I lost my fucking shit. It was actually a year ago this week! Yay! The good news? That was a year ago and I can't remember a lot of it. And I feel fine. So you will too!

Good luck friend!

 

[langdonalger]

Haha it might have been Stevie Nicks! She has a well documented history with Klonopin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJrT5OUrew4

Thanks for the well wishes, I started taking Lexapro last night and feel kind of calm but also kind of weird (which is usually how it goes with SSRI's for me) but I'll at least give it a chance.

 

[FnX]

Have you ever used pregabalin for anxiety issues? Was reccomeded it meself and worked a treat for my anxiety. Benzos nearly killed my ass! Just gotta slowly taper bro, and think/do positive things. I'm kinda in a fucked up boat too, I have severe adverse reactions to anti d's...tramadol helps my depression though sucks as a pain med. I Wish you well mate.

I'm afraid pregabalin for anxiety is a similar trap, stops working for anxiety for most people after a couple of months and the withdrawal is a hell comparable to benzos. Just search "Lyrica withdrawal" on bl. It could work as a detox/wd med though if you are careful you aren't just substituting.

 

[langdonalger]

Damn, well if the withdrawal is comparable to benzos then I definitely am not interested. Thanks for the info, I thought I had heard people complain about having bad withdrawals from Lyrica before but hadn't looked into it much.

 

[manboychef]

You might want to switch to valium. It is a lot easier to taper your dose down. (it is easier to break down 10mg, than 1mg)