I made a post here months ago... maybe even six months ago? I don't know where it went, but at the time, I was sure I was going to quit because I was getting awful k cramps on a daily basis pretty much... I thought I had bladder damage but when I stopped taking that specific type of ketamine, the cramps went away completely. At the time, I was sure I was going to quit and I thought I had a handle on it... Well, probably over six months later, I still have not gone more than four days without ketamine use. The only reason I went for as long as four days is because I was out of town and had run out of the supply I brought with me within the first couple days of being out of town. Here and there, I have been able to go about two days but eventually, the cravings and my friends constantly doing it makes me cave.
I don't know what to do?? I need help, but I don't know where to start.
Now, I really do think I have some damage... but maybe I'm just paranoid? I have these really weird feelings in my bladder... it almost feels external, like hair on my skin being plucked out or pulled on constantly... Every morning, I have the most uncomfortable feeling urine sitting in my bladder and if my roommate is taking forever in the bathroom when I first wake up, I get really irritable and impatient because my body wants nothing more than to empty my bladder. However, when I go, there is barely anything there... I feel like I never urinate but I drink (I think?) a lot of water. I thought the damage was coming from a different type of ketamine that had flooded town for a long time. Everyone in town started getting k-cramps when no one had experienced them before, one person in our circle killed himself with the drug. So we all thought it was just this ketamine (it has a VERY fine, powdery consistency) but then I switched back to the normal veterinary grade Anesket that comes straight from the sealed vial and I thought I was safe from there so I continued doing a half gram to a gram a day not worrying... well, here I am now, worrying about my health again and noticing problems that make me worried.
The other day, I was at work, and I felt the familiar aching/burning in my stomach that is the start of k-cramps... I haven't had k-cramps in months and months but I started to panic and ran to the gas station to get some water. I drank a bunch of it and then all of the sudden, I was in excruciating pain. It wasn't my stomach like my usual k-cramps though... it was my back. It hurt so bad, and I got really nauseated and threw up. I had to go home from work. I've never had k-cramps like that before?
I decided last night that I was DEFINITELY quitting. I got a gram and did it all, focusing the whole time on the fact that this was my last time and I felt more than ready. Well, now it's the morning and all I can think about is going to get more ketamine because I have the money for it. I'm in a constant battle with myself, arguing in my head about how much I don't need it. And for a while, I have convinced myself that I'm not going to do it.... but then it's like a switch in my head, and my mind is just like "NOPE, you're getting k. Right now." And I'll finally convince myself out of it again and not even ten minutes later, my mind is telling me that I'm going to go get some no matter what and I've already sent a text to my connect, saying I'm on my way... but then the cycle starts all over again. And the worst part is, this happens about every twenty minutes so getting through one day without it is so impossible.
It's even harder because over the last several years, I have incorporated using ketamine into absolutely every aspect of my life... At work, at school, hiking, studying, hanging out with friends, walking the dog, riding my horse, driving (I know, I know...), going out of town, EVERYTHING! And on top of that, I'm not lacking or failing anywhere in life. I've held my job for 5 years, got a second job for about 8, go to school and get good grades, take care of my pets, clean my house, pay my bills (well, for the most part... I did get into some AWFUL debt from the ketamine, but I've been slowly working that off and am almost debt free)... The only reason I want to quit is because I'm terrified for my bladder and kidneys... but for some reason, my health is not enough to keep me away from the depth that ketamine provides me... The euphoria, inspiration and deep spiritual connection to everyone and everything around me (such an other wordly, deep universal connection that I can't obtain anywhere else in life) while I am on ketamine is too much to ignore, and way too hard to get away from.
What do I do?! =/
I haven't done any ketamine yet today but then again, it's only noon... I have work at 1 and work seems to be a trigger because since my job requires me to leave the store, I end up getting bored and wanting to pass time on my shift, so on my deliveries, I get some ketamine and do it all through my shift, making being at work much more bearable. If I don't get it at work, I'm watching the clock, desperately hoping for a text from someone to try to distract myself while anxiously switching the songs in my car and it is truly the most mentally excruciating thing... ever...
I don't know what to do?? I need help, but I don't know where to start.
Now, I really do think I have some damage... but maybe I'm just paranoid? I have these really weird feelings in my bladder... it almost feels external, like hair on my skin being plucked out or pulled on constantly... Every morning, I have the most uncomfortable feeling urine sitting in my bladder and if my roommate is taking forever in the bathroom when I first wake up, I get really irritable and impatient because my body wants nothing more than to empty my bladder. However, when I go, there is barely anything there... I feel like I never urinate but I drink (I think?) a lot of water. I thought the damage was coming from a different type of ketamine that had flooded town for a long time. Everyone in town started getting k-cramps when no one had experienced them before, one person in our circle killed himself with the drug. So we all thought it was just this ketamine (it has a VERY fine, powdery consistency) but then I switched back to the normal veterinary grade Anesket that comes straight from the sealed vial and I thought I was safe from there so I continued doing a half gram to a gram a day not worrying... well, here I am now, worrying about my health again and noticing problems that make me worried.
The other day, I was at work, and I felt the familiar aching/burning in my stomach that is the start of k-cramps... I haven't had k-cramps in months and months but I started to panic and ran to the gas station to get some water. I drank a bunch of it and then all of the sudden, I was in excruciating pain. It wasn't my stomach like my usual k-cramps though... it was my back. It hurt so bad, and I got really nauseated and threw up. I had to go home from work. I've never had k-cramps like that before?
I decided last night that I was DEFINITELY quitting. I got a gram and did it all, focusing the whole time on the fact that this was my last time and I felt more than ready. Well, now it's the morning and all I can think about is going to get more ketamine because I have the money for it. I'm in a constant battle with myself, arguing in my head about how much I don't need it. And for a while, I have convinced myself that I'm not going to do it.... but then it's like a switch in my head, and my mind is just like "NOPE, you're getting k. Right now." And I'll finally convince myself out of it again and not even ten minutes later, my mind is telling me that I'm going to go get some no matter what and I've already sent a text to my connect, saying I'm on my way... but then the cycle starts all over again. And the worst part is, this happens about every twenty minutes so getting through one day without it is so impossible.
It's even harder because over the last several years, I have incorporated using ketamine into absolutely every aspect of my life... At work, at school, hiking, studying, hanging out with friends, walking the dog, riding my horse, driving (I know, I know...), going out of town, EVERYTHING! And on top of that, I'm not lacking or failing anywhere in life. I've held my job for 5 years, got a second job for about 8, go to school and get good grades, take care of my pets, clean my house, pay my bills (well, for the most part... I did get into some AWFUL debt from the ketamine, but I've been slowly working that off and am almost debt free)... The only reason I want to quit is because I'm terrified for my bladder and kidneys... but for some reason, my health is not enough to keep me away from the depth that ketamine provides me... The euphoria, inspiration and deep spiritual connection to everyone and everything around me (such an other wordly, deep universal connection that I can't obtain anywhere else in life) while I am on ketamine is too much to ignore, and way too hard to get away from.
What do I do?! =/
I haven't done any ketamine yet today but then again, it's only noon... I have work at 1 and work seems to be a trigger because since my job requires me to leave the store, I end up getting bored and wanting to pass time on my shift, so on my deliveries, I get some ketamine and do it all through my shift, making being at work much more bearable. If I don't get it at work, I'm watching the clock, desperately hoping for a text from someone to try to distract myself while anxiously switching the songs in my car and it is truly the most mentally excruciating thing... ever...
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