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October Getting/Staying Sober/Clean Thread v. OctSOBER!

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I used to dream about it. And would feel relieved afterwards. Not all dreams were bad but I guess I know how you feel as it's can be quite real for a brief moment when you feel guilty and confused.
 
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1 year, 2 days <3

manboychef said:
I had another crazy using dream last night!!!! Ugh I woke up at 3am freaking the flock out! Its always the same, I have some drugs, can't find a vein, someone is at the door and I know I am going to get caught yet I keep trying and trying and I wake up as the door opens...Immediately I search around for the imaginary rig until I realize it is just a dream. I hate that feeling of panic and guilt and confused fear that comes from that. It does make me take inventory of my life though, and I generally end up so happy that day that it was just a dream...scary though.

anyone else still have using dreams? I get them like once a month now and its always the same.
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this sounds almost identical to the kind of dreams I'd have too man

they still happen for me but don't bother me as much anymore, though I honestly don't know why.
 
Tonight is that family dinner I have been planning. I am excited, but also nervous. My family is not the traditional family. We are all very close...except me...because I was a drug addict for so long. I hope I can get through this.

I also decided today to cut the xanax out of my life completely. I'll keep it on hand, but I'll refrain from taking it at all. I had been getting used to taking .5mg in the morning and .5mg at night with my temazepam. I am cutting it down to .25mg in the morning and .25mg at night for a week...then just .25mg at night for a week, then none. I just realized that my addict brain was making me want it because it gave me relief from the discomfort of OCD and anxiety. I realized I needed to start coming up with some more realistic approaches to treating this because I don't want to end up hooked on xanax.

I had a dream I was a woman last night. I was a woman because I went on vacation and there was snowboarding offered but only for women. I love to snowboard so somehow I transformed into a pigtailed woman and hit the slopes. Cool dream, very weird though.
 
It was so nice to not let negative feelings control me today.

I accepted how I felt, moved forward, and now I feel so much better.
 
What's up CH? Shoot me a PM if you need to talk man.

@manboychef smart decision my friend. I've found with both Xanax and etizolam that even using for as little as a week at 2-4mg a day was enough for some nasty rebound anxiety. I'm guessing this is the case for all anti-anxiety type drugs with a short half life. Withdrawl from Xanax is probably more traumatic than an OD.

Im doing as well as can be expected. I've exercised every day since Sunday. Just done a legs workout to tire me out before another quiet night of movies and getting high with some nice weed. I've been practicing meditation the last few days before bed when I'm really stoned and in the afternoon. All in all many positive changes have been made. Bluelight has been a godsend this time round.
 
Dinner went great. Seventeen family members turned up. The food was wonderful, everyone was laughing and smiling. They loved the chicken and dumplings, and the veggie ministrone (one vegetarian family member, as well as a few dedicated bean lovers). We had pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, coconut custard pie, and ice cream cake (we celebrated two birthdays at my house). There was only one problem...

I tried calling my son...once again no response. My nephew that is the same age as him is learning to read. At the end of the night my cousin and my nephew were sitting in the big chair and my nephew was reading a book and his father was helping him through it. I stood and watched for a while...but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes so I went outside for some air. It is just still so painful. My mom later asked me why I don't send books to my son anymore...and I just said "Cos I know he is sitting in some other guys lap reading them, and she can't even be bothered to call me back let alone read a story with him over the phone." "What's the point in feeling anything anymore about this?" I asked myself. It has been five years since I spent any real amount of time with him and chances are he knows whatever boyfriend my ex has as more of a father than me anyways.

Ugh...at least I'm sober, and I know I am going to wake up sober tomorrow.
 
manboychef said:
Dinner went great. Seventeen family members turned up. The food was wonderful, everyone was laughing and smiling. They loved the chicken and dumplings, and the veggie ministrone (one vegetarian family member, as well as a few dedicated bean lovers). We had pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, coconut custard pie, and ice cream cake (we celebrated two birthdays at my house). There was only one problem...

I tried calling my son...once again no response. My nephew that is the same age as him is learning to read. At the end of the night my cousin and my nephew were sitting in the big chair and my nephew was reading a book and his father was helping him through it. I stood and watched for a while...but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes so I went outside for some air. It is just still so painful. My mom later asked me why I don't send books to my son anymore...and I just said "Cos I know he is sitting in some other guys lap reading them, and she can't even be bothered to call me back let alone read a story with him over the phone." "What's the point in feeling anything anymore about this?" I asked myself. It has been five years since I spent any real amount of time with him and chances are he knows whatever boyfriend my ex has as more of a father than me anyways.

Ugh...at least I'm sober, and I know I am going to wake up sober tomorrow.
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This post (besides, of course, the happy beginning and the last sentence) brought me to tears:(. I don't know the full story behind it all (and don't need to) but she has absolutely NO right to keep you away from your son.

I HOPE AND PRAY you "fight" but no matter what? Continue to send those books. Then someday when he's old enough (yet hopefully it doesn't come to this point) to make his own decisions (and undoubtedly decides on his own that he wants his "clean", good dad in his life) ask him about the books because most likely he may not even have known they were from you but hopefully you're able to remember the titles of each one so that he knows that they were. I just pray he received them.

Don't give up hope though and please don't give up the fight. You already won one of the biggest battles that life can throw at you and you CAN win this one too. Much love, hope and prayers<3
 
manboychef said:
It has been five years since I spent any real amount of time with him and chances are he knows whatever boyfriend my ex has as more of a father than me anyways.
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mbc <3 that's real tough man, but I wouldn't stress

I'd think of it this way. One day your son will grow up and will want to know who you are, if he hasn't gotten the proper chance to do so yet. Even if your mom and his step-dad (and whomever else is in his life) talk crap about you and try to persuade him not to get to know the real you, he won't listen. Kids are rebellious and they always want to know their true parents when they get old enough to care. :)

Just keep working on yourself and getting through one day at a time. <3 that way, you can be there for him one day, and you'll be happy and healthy and an excellent role model.
 
My son called me on my birthday. He was with my dad instead of my ex or her mother. He seemed much more willing to talk. I think he is uncomfortable talking to me when they are around for some reason. He actually called me daddy instead of my first name. That was awesome, and it felt even better because I am sober, and I know now what I need to do.

In order to start getting through to him, I will begin sending all the letters I write, as well as the drawings to my dad's house so when my son goes there to be babysat, he can actually get a chance to look at them and have my dad read them to him. My dad is also going to call me when he is around....also a bonus, I got to talk to my neice and nephew...pretty soon the youngest one is going to start talking so I can talk to my lil' nephew...all of them are great kids....I just worry that my ex and her mom are making him uncomfortable to talk to me. Well at least I have a plan now, and I don't feel so hopeless.

Thank you all for the support. I may not say it enough, but coming to this thread and reading it is incredibly helpful to me.

CH, how are you feeling today? I read that the other day you didn't let your emotions get the better of you. I still let this happen sometimes, but most of the time I can snap out of it. One thing that works really well for me is positive self talk. Instead of thinking negative thoughts (which I surely have enough of) I actually say out loud to myself things that I like about myself, or positive changes I have made in my life. It seems crazy but it works.

Bernc, good luck on the detox, If you need an ear to bend I am always here for you.

Some guy, thank you for the sentiment. It is such a hard situation. My ex has borderline personality disorder...because I broke up with her, and was starting to file custody papers she nearly got me arrested, and made sure there was no contact orders for her and my son. She took him in the middle of the night, and constantly bad mouthed me in court and to the guardian ad litem. She is still punishing me for breaking up with her. I am not worried about being punished by her, but I fear that my son is getting a little collateral damage from her.
 
That's really great news mbc :) I typed a long reply to your last post last night then my browser went and I lost it. I'm glad now you've been came back with more positive news. I don't know the situation with you and your ex/his mum but it sounds like that is what's making him uncomfortable to speak to you. And I understand with addiction you probably gave her some reasons, as by the very nature of addictio; to upset everyone around you. I think your doing great though man. Like I said I don't know the ins and outs of your life but your another inspiration on this board. It sounds to me like you are making big ins to regaining the trust of those around you. There may be draw backs and some may be weary, they've been hurt before. Keep doing what your doing though man and that will surely become less, as you prove yourself each day. <3
 
I actually quit using and drinking when my ex was pregnant. I sent her to rehab while she was pregnant. Went through some severe alcohol and morphine withdrawals. It wasn't until she took my son that I started back on that downward spiral. Going back to drugs was probably the worst thing I could have done, but I had gone to court and her lies were taken as truth. My cost of life (which was higher because I had to have a bigger house, and life insurance) was still high, but now I was paying for court ordered Relapse Prevention counseling (because I passed two drug tests) at considerable out of pocket cost, and anger management class (which I absolutely didn't need) because it played into her narrative of me being some crazed sociopath drug addict with a violent temper, and child support. She had taken a no contact order out on me for her and my son, as well as orders of protection...How she got these on her word alone, I do not know. A sheriff came to my house shortly after to inspect it. It was funny in a tragic way that he told me "due to her statements that he expected to find a drug den with a bunch of broken furniture in which I was living in a cesspool of squalor". Instead he found a nice clean house with a very calm but depressed and hopeless man living in it with his dog and brother. When CPS(child protective services) came to inspect my house, they looked in the fridge and cupboards and noticed that it was filled with healthy foods instead of beer/alcohol and a lack of any form of sustenance...not to mention the cases of babyfood I had bought, or made when my son began eating it. During the interview the CPS worker noted that "despite claims to the contrary I was extremely calm, if not a little wistful."

Unfortunately, at that point the damage was done, she had been awarded custody, and the no contact order, and order of protection still stood. I became a shell of a man...I started using again because the pain was too intense. My entire life that I had worked so hard for imploded around me. I sold drugs to keep up with my rent and expenses and began using them. I stopped caring about life..I lost faith in any sort of higher power (How could he/she allow this to happen.) and it culminated with me trying to take my own life at the age of 28 on father's day.

It has been a very long tough road filled with heartache and feelings of alienation but things are changing. I had lost hope for a long time, but now I actually believe there is a purpose on this planet for me. My ex is not a bad mother. She is actually a very good mother, however she is still as selfish as the days I knew her....the only thing that I can be angry at her for is being a bad partner in parenting.

I write this because I know in addiction things get dark and tragic feelings of loss and isolation can get the better of you. These can still be present during recovery, but if you keep working at it, and keep trying to find that joy chances are it will come. I went from being a person that hoped every time he used that it would kill him, to being a man that is strong in his recovery and optimistic about the future.
 
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Checking in: 44 days clean today!

Cravings are lessening--or maybe my ability to accept them and ride them out is growing. In my program I have to rate my substance abuse urges daily, and I'm happy to report they're now in the 4-6 range rather than 7-9. The DBT skills have been essential in my coping thus far, and as I begin my 7th week in the program, I'm finally beginning to move beyond Distress Tolerance into Emotion Regulation, and sussing out the deeper motivations behind my former using.

I will admit that I've been having troubling thoughts of rationalizing a meth relapse--not now, but at some point months in the future, when I feel more secure in my sobriety--as a mindful, ritualized final goodbye, in order to remember the full spectrum of how it feels (not just the negatively-biased last use where I went psychotic). Adding fuel to this notion is the fact that I tried this before with heroin, and it did seem to work--as in, I set a date of final use and resolved to feel it in an unbiased way, used, recognized the good and the bad, and have been able to leave it behind for 44 days now without cravings for it, as if I really did have that last goodbye.

I've admitted these thoughts to my individual therapist and DBT group, and can recognize that they are illogical and dangerous if acted upon, so that's progress. All I can do is remind myself that I cannot predict the future--I might relapse, I might never relapse--but that I can control my choice to use, or not use, today.

Congratulations to everyone on a successful Octsober :)

P.S. Question for Erikmen: You said earlier "It seems you are taking this quite seriously and I believe you may encounter a mid term with time." What do you mean by that?
 
sighkosis said:
extremely positive post!
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Hey that is amazing to hear. That feeling of wanting one last time, or planning a time when you can use is called having a reservation in recovery. Basically you are reserving a time when it would be okay to use. It is one of the first indicators of relapse mentality.

You did exactly the right thing in bringing it to your therapist. In early recovery its easy to get overwhelmed by these feelings. I for one was so glad I had a roomate in rehab that was an insomniac just like me and we could stay up and talk and we would talk through the logical conclusion of using and see the consequences. We still call eachother at least once a week to check in, and we are both sober. Sometimes I will call him if I am weak after I call my sponsor and he can usually bring me out of the funk.

Do you have anyone like that sighkosis?
 
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