Checking in: 44 days clean today!
Cravings are lessening--or maybe my ability to accept them and ride them out is growing. In my program I have to rate my substance abuse urges daily, and I'm happy to report they're now in the 4-6 range rather than 7-9. The DBT skills have been essential in my coping thus far, and as I begin my 7th week in the program, I'm finally beginning to move beyond Distress Tolerance into Emotion Regulation, and sussing out the deeper motivations behind my former using.
I will admit that I've been having troubling thoughts of rationalizing a meth relapse--not now, but at some point months in the future, when I feel more secure in my sobriety--as a mindful, ritualized final goodbye, in order to remember the full spectrum of how it feels (not just the negatively-biased last use where I went psychotic). Adding fuel to this notion is the fact that I tried this before with heroin, and it did seem to work--as in, I set a date of final use and resolved to feel it in an unbiased way, used, recognized the good and the bad, and have been able to leave it behind for 44 days now without cravings for it, as if I really did have that last goodbye.
I've admitted these thoughts to my individual therapist and DBT group, and can recognize that they are illogical and dangerous if acted upon, so that's progress. All I can do is remind myself that I cannot predict the future--I might relapse, I might never relapse--but that I
can control my choice to use, or not use, today.
Congratulations to everyone on a successful Octsober
P.S. Question for Erikmen: You said earlier "It seems you are taking this quite seriously and I believe you may encounter a mid term with time." What do you mean by that?