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October Getting/Staying Sober/Clean Thread v. OctSOBER!

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Doom and despair come in recovery...It is the same in active use. You are a human, you have feelings. It is figuring out how sober you deals with them, which will generally be a lot better than using you. I mean as addicts our only recourse to feeling anything was to get high, now we gotta figure out what works.

For me it is gardening. Whenever I feel really down, or I hit a bump in my recovery I go out into my garden. It is something that I built that I love. To give it the water it needs gives me the help I need. To watch my plants grow is like watching myself grow and change with them.

If you feel despair all the time, you might want to see a doctor. Sometimes it may be an imbalance in your brain. I take zoloft, which works.
 
Some minor setbacks today...
Still haven't touched any weed or hash.
However I still get the feeling that I can't get all my shit done..

Also I can't sleep, my head is very busy (however it was too empty when i was using), I wake up in sweat and my hands, feet and armpits just won't be dry (disgusting right :p?)
 
You will get better and better as each day passes dutchbloke. Most people discredit that marijuana has withdrawal symptoms but it totally does.

You will feel better tomorrow, and the day after you will feel even better.
 
I have not got marijuana withdrawl symptoms.

Only more vivid dreams.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Congrats on your progress evey

you can always return to school when you are doing better

What was getting you down to the point of being hooked on meth and heroin?
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Long story short, I'd been into drugs for years, wanted to try them all and all that. Heroin and meth were the natural conclusion of that quest, and I thought little of it, because for the past few years I'd bounced from substance to new substance without much looking back. But I'd vastly underestimated these drugs' power, and my own capacity for addiction, and meth, in particular, flipped some switch in my head that seemed to make my lifelong struggle with bipolar simply disappear--at least while I was high. In reality, I was inducing bipolar symptoms, intensifying the manias and exacerbating the depressions. On and off, but mostly on, I used meth to cope with the depression, feeling great for several days then straight fucked for the next. I got clean from illegal drugs for a few months while living abroad, but the summer back in the States was awful; my meth use was out of control, and I was living almost solely for that IV rush. And then at the end of August, I finally snapped and went full psychotic, which was the single most traumatic event of my life. I was hospitalized, and on my release started a DBT treatment program, which I can't recommend highly enough. I wouldn't have made it as far as I have--26 days today clean as I'm defining it right now (no needles, no illegal drugs, no cigarettes or alcohol)--without the skills I'm learning and the support of the group.

That said, I have a confession. For the first time since I started treatment, I used a drug other than my prescribed meds, one cup of coffee, and the ill-advised low-dose ephedrine that's thankfully gone now. I abused a Benzedrex inhaler, after days of cravings for a high of any kind, in the hopes that remembering the high AND, more importantly, the comedown would help stop the fantasies. I suppose to that end I was successful. I felt maybe an hour of hyped-up giddiness, and for the last several hours after it's been crushing shame and guilt added to the nasty physical and mental anxiety of a stimulant comedown. And the funny thing is, the "high" wasn't half as good as the natural highs I've experienced in my almost-month of sobriety: long walks in the sunshine; laughing along to my favorite podcasts; the feeling of fellowship and relief from sharing issues in group therapy; the deep-down feeling of good conscience, that though it is far from easy or enjoyable, I am doing what is right. I am, as a dear friend wrote in a letter of encouragement half a year ago, "finding and holding on to the light". Sure, I've spent a lot of the last month feeling depressed. But I would have felt just the same on meth--worse, really. Because what scared me the most about being on Benzedrex is that I wasn't in full control of my mind--that some of the DBT skills were simply inaccessible. And that made me feel more vulnerable than any sober mood episode would.

I'm going to bring this all up tomorrow in group, and to my therapist as well. I keep no secrets anymore--a hard decision that has, to my great surprise, made me feel happier than I ever did carrying some 'dark secret' and thinking it made me mysterious and cool. And I'm still feeling guilt--which, as DBT teaches, is a useful emotion, as long as it spurs me to be honest about my slip-up, learn from this mistake, and come away stronger. I know I won't act on any more urges to waste my time on Benzedrex again. As for those urges to use my DOC? I am choosing to live one day at a time, mindfully. The future is a story I tell myself--a story I am choosing not to write yet. Perhaps, when that time comes, the cravings will be fewer and weaker, or else I will be wiser and stronger. I don't know, and I don't need to. I will not use today, and that is all that matters.

All that said, I'm not erasing my sober tally. I didn't relapse on my DOC, I barely got high (and got way more low), and I think in the end I've done enough growth and reflection to count as a day of sobriety. Not to mention, going back to day 1, especially for this, would make me feel even more tempted to relapse. All these days stacked up, as physical tally marks on the whiteboard on my wall, hold me accountable to my word. And I think that's important. So. 26 days.

Peace, all.
 
Congratulations for your success. 26 days is your mark now, but it could soon be 260 days.
It seems you are taking this quite seriously and I believe you may encounter a mid term with time.

I can relate to a lot of things you've mentioned. The summers in USA, IV'ing, the ups and downs.
Don't stress over a cup of coffee. I don't mean to be invasive neither to judge your treatment.
Is coffee a trigger for other drugs, or to painful cravings?

I drink coffee all the time. I've also quit smoking but use nicotine every here and then.
The important thing for me is to continue to stay off opiates, benzos, and illegal drugs.
I also don't smoke weed anymore. People say it's okay but I don't want to risk.

Hope you succeed! Believe in your strength!
 
aerne210 said:
Captain H, always an inspiration, I'm glad to hear, Getting close to my 11 month in a few days after quitting 4 & 1/2 years with the rigs/gear. What do you do when you get to this feeling, the doomed depression? I have very few tools for when I get to this state of mind.
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I talk to people who care, even if I can't fully open up.

I take time to myself to exercise, read, write, and focus on the present.

I take care of myself by sleeping and eating well, showering and shaving.

When all these things fail I don't neglect these things, because I know one day my mind will heal. :)

Congratulations on being close to 11 months! That's some amazing progress :D How hard was it for you? I know it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do to give up injecting. It's an amazing reward to be able to overcome it :)
 
So I'm having a bit of rough time.
I am very disappointed about myself for lack of self control.
Ever since I started my new job a few months ago and closed my first deal I started playing poker again.
Now I am a very good poker player and do not consider that gambling
So I've made quite a bit of money since I started playing a month ago and I promised myself if I go to casinos to play that I will not play blackjack cuz that is gambling
So I was in Atlantic city a few days ago was up a nice amount in poker and was getting to leave and take the 2 hour drive back to NY
For some reason on the way out something came over me and I went and lost all my money playing blackjack
I had this crazy feeling that I need to self destruct and I must loose all my money it's like I was craving that shitty feeling I feel right now.
It's hard to explain but if anyone here has lost everything they have to there name gambling you probably know how I feel.
I have lost everything many times but this time it's bothering me a lot more since I can't mask the pain with dope.
I am very stupid for putting myself in this situation and I am very disappointed in myself that I let this happen.
I hope this month will get better
Congrats to all the amazing things you guys have achieved. You are all a inspiriartion to me and many others keep up the good work!
 
I'm now 7 months off opiates, benzos, illegal drugs. Except for coffee :), I'm feeling better and better!
I Learned to take good care of myself pretty much like CH describes.
It took months and everyday was extremely difficult until my 4th month when I was finally ready to exercise every week.

One month later, I was still a bit depressed when Sekio advised me to look for hobbies as it was all too tiring.
What a great advice!! :)
I had also continued to volunteer and things started to get better. Hour by hour. Day by day. One day at a time. It was never easy.
I developed different strategies to cope with cravings. If nothing would work, I'd eat chocolate until It was satisfied.

I feel like my energy is now finally coming back to me naturally through exercises, work, reading.
No matter how difficult the day was I'm always thankful for going through it healthily.

I remember every minute of my extended withdrawal. It took about 30 days and physically it ended after almost 2 months.
I remember it was during mid-Jan to February and I was in Boston in one of the coldest city's winter ever..
It seems like a life time, but actually only 7 full months! And I am okay!

Congratulations to all of you, regardless if you are on your first month or in your fisrt years. We are winning this. Today I suceeded one more day.
I am very proud to be here in Blue Light. Thanks to all of you I'm alive and well!

Wish you all a good night of sleep <3
 
I went to a coffeeshop yesterday (That's what they call weed stores/smoke rooms here) with some of my friends because I didn't want to be alone while they have fun.
So I decided to go with them, it was sort of a test for me. I did not even get a single hit of the joints passed :)

However I was smoking cigarettes like a madman (suppose that's what I do more now anyways), drank beer but not a single hit !!
I wonder if being around all these guys smoking pot is a bad thing though.. I don't think it got me high or something like that but still.. :p
 
What is virtue without temptation...Just be careful. It isn't the time that you can resist it that you should worry about, rather the time when you have built up a little time of not using and are complacent that you need to watch out for.
 
Another day I woke up not sick. Praise be! Yesterday though I woke up at around 1:30am having a terrible panic attack. I mitigated it by doing some breathing exercises, positive self talk, and pacing around my room. I kept saying this too shall pass. I ended up being up till 2:30am which is when I decided to take a benzo to fall back asleep. I wonder what I was dreaming about that caused such an intense reaction. I literally sprang out of bed because I thought my heart was exploding in my chest.

I slept well last night though, and I am content with life at the moment
 
You should be! It's great to feel you are moving on. You suddenly realize it's all possible and that you can do it.
Congratulations. Keep going forward.
Best wishes!
Erik
 
MemphisX3 said:
when i first started i was more partial to NA but NA in memphis has a vibe i dont care for. i am working the AA steps...My first few months in recovery i didnt take the steps seriously....running on self will but i quickly figured out that me without drugs is just....me....without drugs. i was still feeling all the bullshit that came with being me so i made a commitment to the steps. i got a new sponsor and threw myself into the program. my sponsor is good about letting me work at my own pace. everything works out how it should. i feel if i had rushed into the 4th step i would have either relapsed or wouldnt have a gotten a firm grasp on everything it has to offer.

started on my 8th step tonight.

nice conversing with you somni. shoot me a PM sometime dude
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Yeah, where I used to live AA was ultra conservative and didn't let you talk about drugs. I went to NA and have worked all 12 NA steps. In Chicago though, AA is great. I have an AA sponsor now and just started on working step one.

I actually really rushed into the 4th step but I really needed to do it. I had done 1-3 many times before but never the 4th.

1 year, 5 months, 1 week and a day sober for me.

manboychef said:
@phaktor. I find it is best to date women outside the rooms. If you must date someone in the rooms, you shouldn't go to the same meetings. The reason I say this is twofold. 1.)they know you inside and out before they get a chance to find out for themselves 2.)there is unfortunately a lot of pettiness and politics that go on in the rooms as you are probably aware of (ie:her friends probably talking ill of you). I know it is hard to find places to meet good women because lets face it, most of our lives were centered around drinking and drugs, and that is what we generally had in common with our significant others, or how we met our significant others. I can't give anymore advice than that because that has been my experience...when you figure out how to do it, or a different way, please tell me :).
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Oh sure, to be honest we were both not ready for a relationship when we started. We have a ton of things in common (she even speaks Arabic and I have been fascinated by the middle east all my life) so it was an immediate click. I don't regret starting it because it taught me a lot about myself, but I of course wish it did not have to be like this.

Of course I want everything to be back to "normal" but she isn't in a spot where that is possible. I will never say never, but it just really looks like it will not work out oh well.

As for dating in the rooms, its like anything else, it can go really well and go really poorly. To be honest, I cannot image dating someone that didn't understand recovery. But I work in the field of addictions and there are plenty of women who are not addicts but who understand addiction. Even then, there are some things even they cannot understand.

Nowadays, I just ask God to put someone in my life when I am ready. Thats all I can do!
 
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Nowadays, I just ask God to put someone in my life when I am ready. Thats all I can do!
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I'll have a year on Nov 4th, and I don't even think I am ready to meet someone.
 
Are you feeling apprehensive or really think you need more time?

Congrats on all your progress manboychef :)
 
My current "gripe" with the rehab industry

I just really hate how these places try to tell the individual they can not do it alone. Sure a lot of people need help and guidance some may never be able to do it on their own but when you have someone saying "nah fuck that i wont get sick, who are you to tell me to stay on drugs?" should be sign enough that person isnt one of those "addicted for life needs the support of the world to stay off dope" type of person. Sorry it just really gets me that not even my heroin dealer would tell me i couldnt quit no one in my life other then a clinic has ever said i couldnt do something on my own, i was raised to believe if i try hard i can accomplish anything and that my brain is like a jack hammer enough time on a boulder of a problem and it will break it down so it upsets me when someone trys to say the opposite.

We are all capable of doing anything we set ourselves to, be it alone or in a group. I dont think addiction is a life long process for everyone and i dont think everyone needs to "actively avoid their DOC" for the rest of their lives, i think thats almost as bad as being addicted.

Heres to the g/f who dropped another 3mg against everyones advise and is down to 8mg, she doesnt sleep anymore and hates her existence at this exact moment but refuses take any more opiates or anything because she knows she can do it. Heres to anyone who tells themselves they can do it while they are in a pain only we can understand. I keep saying i look up to her and that i can only hope i am as strong and dedicated as her, sure she makes my life a living hell when shes like this but it will eventually get better! She went from 14mg down to 8mg in 3 weeks, one 3mg drop 3 weeks ago and one 3 days ago.

I hope the edibles from the dispensary I am going to beg my 65 year old uncle to get will help her sleep, she doesnt want to come off methadone slowly lol But seriously I love how supportive this thread is!!!

P.S. I cant get her to join BL she thinks its somehow an invasion of my privacy like she did my avatar and i told her "here my password and everything go on my account and just see the layout so you know what do to" (she is a graphic designer for fun) and she wouldnt. She even said "omg I went to see what it looks like and of course the first thread has something about me in it" and it would have been like the above paragraph as i hide absolutely nothing from her but shes not as analytical as me so she doesnt get as much comfort in facts as i do.
 
I've been sober for three months now. I was hospitalized partly because of alcohol use in July and after the two weeks in treatment I haven't used any intoxicants. It's still not easy though, for example last weekend I had terrible anxiety and OCD-like symptoms. I had obsessive thoughts about poisoning myself with a chlorine bleach chemical I had at home, and I had to flush it down the toilet to make that unpleasant thought go away. The anxiety was relieved after I went out of town to visit my father for two days.

I've been practicing buddhism for over a month and I've participated to zen meditation sessions in a local zen buddhist group. I've also been eating vegetarian food for a few weeks. On sunday we have a zazenkai (an all day meditation session) and the zen teacher from USA is going to be there too so I can meet her. The teacher is an ex-addict/alcoholic too and I have discussed my problems with her via email.
 
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