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October Getting/Staying Sober/Clean Thread v. OctSOBER!

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Doint pretty good, ran into the ex again yesterday and gave her a letter I wrote. She said she still feels "uncomfortable" around me (I am assuming it was because of guilt) when I asked her why she was looking so nervous. Kinda got some dirty looks from the girls she knows. Whatever, fuck that. I am pretty much done trying to make her feel okay and am just going to stay away.

It is hard to know that our relationship that was once so great devolved into this and I didn't ever do anything wrong. I kinda felt like telling people "I've know her longer and been through way more with her then any of you.". But whatever, she is supposed to bring me my big book she borrowed from me next week and then we are done. If she ever initiates contact again then great, but she has caused me enough pain. I am not angry or anything, she was and maybe still is acting out due to her disease. I think she is heavily influenced by the girls she is with. In recovery, women really bond and become really protective and that is a good thing. I don't get to pick and choose when I think its okay.

Anyways, enough negative shit. I have a new sponsor and am starting step 1 again (I am doing AA now because it is so great in Chicago). I've worked all 12 NA steps, but now its time to do them the AA way. This is going to give me totally new insight into the steps and I am excited.

Slightly nervous on this move. Why? Because I never really have had to move before. I have taken care of the job, apartment itself, meetings, new sponsor etc etc but I get nervous about packing shit up. Lol.

1 year, 5 months, 3 days sober!
 
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Moving is always stressful. Best of luck phactor!

And congrats on how you deal with running into your ex. If I ran into people from my past it would likely not go smoothly.

Yea, that's the spirit!

what do you mean with 11 and 1/2 months?

11 and 1/2 months off all illegal drugs, and no needles.

Specifically suboxone. That is what I was addicted to.
 
It's goid to see you modding here, CH. you deserve this.

I'm not completely sobere unfortunately I've been drinking a bit however I've not touched codeine now since 21 July (about 11 weeks) I don't plan on going back there n tomorrow apart from suboxone n SSRI I'm going to go sober n not touch drink or opies. I need to get out of bad havits with subs like alternatinating doses n stockpiling for emergences so still things to work on I guess. Will get there one day, was almost there lol

Evey

Evey
 
Hey all. I might tell my story in full later, but as my post history suggests I was addicted to IV meth and heroin for nearly a year, and I also have bipolar. After a psychotic break from meth led me to 10 days in the psych ward, I made the painful decision to withdraw from college from the time being (I was about to graduate) and enroll in a dual-diagnosis Dialectical Behavioral Therapy IOP.

Though the DBT skills I've been learning have helped immensely in developing healthier alternative coping mechanisms rather than substance abuse and self-harm, it's been a hard and lonely path these past several weeks. At first I couldn't even look at the Bluelight forum colors without being strongly triggered, but I've reached the point where my need for fellowship (everybody else in the IOP is chronically suicidal rather than a substance abuser) outweighs the triggers, so here I am.

22 days clean from the hard stuff, not counting today. I've messed around with taking 25-50 mg ephedrine (it always makes me feel worse in the end; I just ran out today and I'm forcing myself to not buy more), and I still allow myself up to two cups of coffee in the morning, but other than that, nothing, not even a drink or a smoke. I've had a tough weekend of severe depression and it's taken all I've got to not run out and buy some Benzedrex (my DOC if I can't get meth), but the knowledge that I'll have to come clean about relapse to my support group in the IOP and the thought of resetting my sober streak, along with using the distress tolerance skills from DBT, have kept me away. But just barely. I really want to remember what it feels like, and somehow propylhexedrine and its metabolites aren't tested on the IOP's otherwise mind-bogglingly comprehensive 2-3x/week LC/MS drug screens, so all that's keeping me from using is my honor, and to be honest I don't give a fuck about honor when I'm in this state. I've already self-harmed today instead of using (which isn't any better, I know, and I'll have to talk about THAT in IOP tomorrow too, fml). I hope writing this, maybe checking in daily here too, will help hold me accountable.

Off to find something kind to do for myself to celebrate making it through another day...
 
Congrats on your progress evey :) <3

Hey all. I might tell my story in full later, but as my post history suggests I was addicted to IV meth and heroin for nearly a year, and I also have bipolar. After a psychotic break from meth led me to 10 days in the psych ward, I made the painful decision to withdraw from college from the time being (I was about to graduate) and enroll in a dual-diagnosis Dialectical Behavioral Therapy IOP.

Though the DBT skills I've been learning have helped immensely in developing healthier alternative coping mechanisms rather than substance abuse and self-harm, it's been a hard and lonely path these past several weeks. At first I couldn't even look at the Bluelight forum colors without being strongly triggered, but I've reached the point where my need for fellowship (everybody else in the IOP is chronically suicidal rather than a substance abuser) outweighs the triggers, so here I am.

22 days clean from the hard stuff, not counting today. I've messed around with taking 25-50 mg ephedrine (it always makes me feel worse in the end; I just ran out today and I'm forcing myself to not buy more), and I still allow myself up to two cups of coffee in the morning, but other than that, nothing, not even a drink or a smoke. I've had a tough weekend of severe depression and it's taken all I've got to not run out and buy some Benzedrex (my DOC if I can't get meth), but the knowledge that I'll have to come clean about relapse to my support group in the IOP and the thought of resetting my sober streak, along with using the distress tolerance skills from DBT, have kept me away. But just barely. I really want to remember what it feels like, and somehow propylhexedrine and its metabolites aren't tested on the IOP's otherwise mind-bogglingly comprehensive 2-3x/week LC/MS drug screens, so all that's keeping me from using is my honor, and to be honest I don't give a fuck about honor when I'm in this state. I've already self-harmed today instead of using (which isn't any better, I know, and I'll have to talk about THAT in IOP tomorrow too, fml). I hope writing this, maybe checking in daily here too, will help hold me accountable.

Off to find something kind to do for myself to celebrate making it through another day...

you can always return to school when you are doing better <3

What was getting you down to the point of being hooked on meth and heroin?
 
@phaktor. I find it is best to date women outside the rooms. If you must date someone in the rooms, you shouldn't go to the same meetings. The reason I say this is twofold. 1.)they know you inside and out before they get a chance to find out for themselves 2.)there is unfortunately a lot of pettiness and politics that go on in the rooms as you are probably aware of (ie:her friends probably talking ill of you). I know it is hard to find places to meet good women because lets face it, most of our lives were centered around drinking and drugs, and that is what we generally had in common with our significant others, or how we met our significant others. I can't give anymore advice than that because that has been my experience...when you figure out how to do it, or a different way, please tell me :).

Also that is awesome that you are going through AA too. I have actually taken to going to alanon meetings. Addiction runs in my family and I have been subjected to it. I am learning a lot about letting go, and understanding that I cannot control everything.

I am glad I am awake and alert today. I get to go see my GP (one of the people that pushed very hard for me to get sober), and I am going to see my granny. Family stuff has been bad for awhile because addiction runs in my family, and most people in my family have had their feelings hurt by my uncles our grandfather etc. I am hoping I can prove to them that there is a different way. Surprisingly enough the two people that give me the most shit are both in AA. They think that I am destined to fail, and it is an amazing feeling to keep bypassing the amount of time they think it will take me to relapse. first it was thirty days, then it was three months, then it was six months...now I am coming up on a year and hopefully I will gain their respect...however I am not holding my breath or validating myself through said respect.

Enjoy your day folks.
 
Feels good to wake up early and have the desire to have a sober, positive day. Have a great one everybody.
 
the-best-thing-about-the-future-is-that-it-comes-only-one-day-at-a-time.jpg
 
I finished my 4th step up and did my 5th step friday morning. it was fucking exhausting. 3 1/2 hours of grit but it was good to get that shit out. i identified a lot of negative patterns in my life and my sponsor was extremely helpful with the whole process. relieved to get all that shit out. i see myself changing every day. my way of thinking has already changed drastically. i am so grateful.

i have been hitting a lot of meetings here lately. i have already been to 6 this week. i have been chairing the monday meeting at my home group for about a month now and it is a very good experience.

so grateful.


if anyone wants to rap about the program/fellowship i always enjoy a good, constructive convo about recovery. shoot me a line
 
That is awesome about the fourth step memphis! I remember it was very enlightening for me to see that I played a huge role in most of the negative problems in my life. I also noticed patterns in the way I handled things as well.
 
Great to see two fellow bluelighters that l actively posted with in the past now sharing recovery with me. Congrats Memph and Manboy! God is good. I just wrapped up my second fourth step. I had completed a 4th and 5th in Orlando but started over with a new sponsor here in Daytona. You must be in NA Memph? AA tends to go through the steps faster. I chose AA because it is particularly strong within the sober community I live in. NA around here tends to focus more on the problem and less on the solution. Alot more relapsing also. Props to the whole bluelight sober posse. Keep on livin' the dream.
 
Another day down :)

in 14 days I will get to my 1 year mark off suboxone, needles, and illegal drugs
 
Today I was cycling with my earplugs in, Damn I was the happiest motherf.. out there!
Never felt so happy since years, Amazing what can change in just a week.
 
Went from 50mg of methadone down to 40mg last week! I plan on going down by 10mg until i either can not take it, which i doubt will happen, or i get pulled aside and told "i cant do that" anymore. They force you to slow down once you get to 20, g/f had to drop by 5 now shes only allowed to do 3mg and we think they are going to tell her "no more lowering" because shes not on an official taper. They cant understand because shes not responding the way they keep assuming "you'll definitely feel this one and youll regret doing that" yeah well now shes at 8mg and that hasnt happened yet.

Methadone is a life saver. Never thought i would come here and go "she is doing way better then me!" Its been a very long and painful road but now i am finally at the point where when life gets for us and either of us wants to give up we can talk about it and not go straight to opiates, never thought id see the day! And to think i still her people say "methadone is a ploy by the government to tell us what opiates to use" umm no just get off the methadone and stop trying to figure out what opiates you are suppose to take, the answer is none.
 
It seems to be like a life saver but people tend to connect to methadone for a life time and it's really hard to come off of this one.
I know the feeling and it will take you both a lot of perseverance and willpower to keep it out of your life.
3 mg seems to be a good place to begin.

After quitting you'd still probably go through a couple of months to physically get the traces of chemical out of your blood stream. I suggest you search for medical support. It's really helps.

And of course focus on recovering your endorphin. In my case, after a lot of advice from lots of great people in here, I learned/realized that exercises only were not enough, as I needed to re-invent myself.

Develop a hobby and different ways to deal with cravings. Keep in mind that they don't last and it's all about postponing sometimes.

I really wish you both good luck, success!!
It's a bit harsh but once you do this I'm sure you'll feel a lot stronger!! :) :)

Like you said and I agree "get off the methadone and stop trying to figure out what opiates you are suppose to take, the answer is none."
 
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Great to see two fellow bluelighters that l actively posted with in the past now sharing recovery with me. Congrats Memph and Manboy! God is good. I just wrapped up my second fourth step. I had completed a 4th and 5th in Orlando but started over with a new sponsor here in Daytona. You must be in NA Memph? AA tends to go through the steps faster. I chose AA because it is particularly strong within the sober community I live in. NA around here tends to focus more on the problem and less on the solution. Alot more relapsing also. Props to the whole bluelight sober posse. Keep on livin' the dream.
when i first started i was more partial to NA but NA in memphis has a vibe i dont care for. i am working the AA steps...My first few months in recovery i didnt take the steps seriously....running on self will but i quickly figured out that me without drugs is just....me....without drugs. i was still feeling all the bullshit that came with being me so i made a commitment to the steps. i got a new sponsor and threw myself into the program. my sponsor is good about letting me work at my own pace. everything works out how it should. i feel if i had rushed into the 4th step i would have either relapsed or wouldnt have a gotten a firm grasp on everything it has to offer.

started on my 8th step tonight.

nice conversing with you somni. shoot me a PM sometime dude
 
Captain H, always an inspiration, I'm glad to hear, Getting close to my 11 month in a few days after quitting 4 & 1/2 years with the rigs/gear. What do you do when you get to this feeling, the doomed depression? I have very few tools for when I get to this state of mind.
 
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