Wow, wow, wow. What a week it has been for me. I ended up getting terrible food poisoning on Sunday. I couldn't go to work on Monday. I had to go in for the rest of the week because it was only my second week at my new job. I finally felt symptom free yesterday. It was brutal and I felt like I was dope sick. During it all, I kept telling myself "I used to go through this constantly over and over again, I am so grateful I don't live like that anymore."
So, as many know, I have been struggling with the breakup with my ex. For those who do not know the story it goes a little something like this:
She relapses, I push treatment, she goes and buys in, stops seeing me often to hang out with other recovering women, I tell her that I need to see her more, we try to make it work, eventually she breaks up with me, then we go no contact and about a month ago she blocks me on everything.
So yesterday I am at a meeting for the first time (first time at the meeting). Its a huge meeting, 100+ people, maybe 200-300. I am looking over the balcony and then turn around. Right as I do that she sits down a few rows back of me. I say her name and smile, she smiles back and says hello. A few awkward seconds pass and then she comes up and talks to me. I am very nervous but I practiced this, I can tell she is very nervous as well. I apologize for my part in this (basically, I was texting her "messages of support" which they were, but also self serving) she says that she was not "strong enough" to tell me she wasn't ready for a relationship right now and that she feels ashamed of that. We both tell each other its okay. We have some small talk, she is doing well. I can still see she is nervous and feels bad for how she handled the situation. She says we will talk after the meeting. During the meeting I calm down and really have some realizations about many things. I feel a big sense of comfort. It was nice to know she was not angry with me.
The meeting ends and I go outside and she is talking to her friends, I think for a minute and then decide to say "hey, do you want to talk for a little bit, you can totally say no if you do not want too." She says yes. She again says she is embarrassed, I tell her its the last thing that I want for her. I tell her that she is doing too well for herself for me to want to throw her off. We tell each other we care for each other, I tell her I am proud of her again. I say eventually I would like to go out for coffee or dinner with her when she is ready and she says she wants that. I end up going home and writing a letter that I will give to her next week.
I felt so relieved and at peace after this that I cannot put it into words. It was like a weight that had been on me since June was lifted. I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.
It is crazy that at a huge meeting, she sat 2 rows back from me. I wouldn't have gone to this meeting unless it was recommended to me by two people that I randomly met. The universe has a method to its madness. I believe that it was its intention that we see each other at the time. It was enough time for me to cool down and really work on accepting the relationship was over before I ran into her. Also, the steps were a huge help for me. I wouldn't have handled it so well without them. I am just much less self-centered because of them.
Just another experience that I went through and stayed clean. Pain leads to growth for me. Being uncomfortable and handling it gives me strength. Its not easy, but it has never ever not been worth it.
1 year, 4 months, 27 days (514 days) clean from all mind and mood altering drugs.
