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Please please support needed, help appreciated from anyone!!

R

Runtoparadise

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 29, 2014
Messages
1,268
Hi guys,

I feel really on my own here. Initially I'm a chronic pain patient, a mother to a young one , with 100% care, who recently was involved as a pedestrian in a hit & run mva.

Also, my elderly father is atm in ICU with encephalitis following pneumonia. I've been to see him today which involved a six hr round trip via cab.

He's been separated from my mum almost twenty years & married a younger chinese lady three years ago with the agreement she'd get permanency in Aus if she cared for him into his older yrs.

Which is not the case currently, his wife feels my fathers children should care for him (I'm the closest within 300km, & she resides ten kms from the hospital).

Her English is limited, and as such I've arranged an interpreter to speak with her in regard to how sick my dad is. She's not taken notice & refers it back to me, saying she needs to return to china (for the fourth time this year), & that her husbands children should care for him.

I'm at a point I wish to contact immigration, but with my father not consciously aware of the circumstances, obviously I want to look out for his best interests.

Any replies/opinions welcome,

Rtp x
 
I am moving this to the dark side.

Darkside mods, if you think this is more suited for a different forum feel free to move it there.

Does your dad's 2nd wife know or remember she agreed to care for her spouse?
 
Hello, I'm sorry that your father is so ill and that you are going through a difficult time. I think you should find out and obtain any copies of your fathers medical advance care directives and see who has power of attorney over his health. Try and take care of yourself the best you can. Focus on you and your father right now. As to his wife...I guess see what happens. You can't control that outcome. Otherwise, contact an immigration law attorney or family law attorney for advice. That's good to get an interpreter. Take care and stay strong.
 
RTP...Oh, shit my friend, I'm sorry to hear this. I can only send BIG OLE BEAR HUGS of support, as we are in similar positions. I'm sorry about your dad, but it seems this wife only has her best interests. It's a shit storm from the sound of it. IF she holds POA (medical/durable), she has the final say. If she's aborting the mission, you would need to convince her to sign over POA, which she may not do. She may think there is some monetary gain through abandoning/allowing your dad to just "die".

I am the sole "anointed one" for the medical care of my 89 yr. old mom. I am the youngest of 6. They all scattered like fucking cockroaches when they needed to be here for my mom and dad. I have the legal documentation (medical/durable POA) for my mom, as my dad died just before 9/11/01. I have been faced with this responsibility since she broke her hip, had surgery and I placed her in a living center 10 years ago. My siblings despise me, but I'm the only one with the backbone to get things done.

She's had several heart attacks and a diabetic coma, where I found her basically dead in the ambulance...screaming "Momma, Momma, it's me...come back to me, don't die!" I got her to the hospital (and stabilized). I went home to shower/change. My prick brother signed a fucking DNR in my absence, which isn't legal. Had I not been called, he and my siblings had gathered like the vultures they are, watching her die. I arrived to her unconscious AGAIN, with foreigner doctor doing nothing. I went absofuckinglutely crazy when he told me that my brother signed a DNR. FUCK THIS ISN"T LEGAL...GET MY MOTHER BACK!!! He did. She's lived 2 more years, better off than me.

Sorry I projectile vomited that onto you. You've got to soldier up and do whatever is within your legal means on behalf of your father. It often means being "sandwiched" between being a child or a parent of our parents. The PRESSURE, believe me, shows no mercy for our unrelenting pain. Stay strong. I'm here for support.
 
RTP...Update when you can, as I'm concerned about you, friend. Any changes? How's your dad? How are you?
 
Hi, & thank you to all. I'm posting from my phone, but I'll try to add more detail.

Firstly, I have no idea if Dads chinese wife understands ANYTHING English!

I'm really angry with her, our only direct "conversation" over the phone was her telling me she "needs work, work & to visit family in china. They need me".

I said "no, you look after Sam. He need you. You are wife", she said "no!, he have four kids look after him" and she hung up!!! FFS!

This is Dads third marriage. Two of the "kids" she speaks of live in another country, from his first marriage. Apparently I met them when I was an infant. Not since, & surely they're in their fifties now and have probably not seen him in at least 20+ yrs.

My older brother is in the navy & lives in a remote area twelve hrs drive from here. Pure, random luck that he's just spent a week for work down this way, close enough to visit our father.

Prior to his third marriage, I had enduring POA, & was next of kin. This is not the first time I've been told to "say goodbye" due to him being in ICU around five yrs ago. (He fully recovered back then). These have now been transferred to her, but due to the language breakdown the doctors resorted to communicating with myself.

I can clearly recall how pleased he was that he was remarrying & that he'd be well looked after in his ageing yrs, & that I wouldn't be burdened with his as well as my own health issues.

Due to the encephalitis my father is severely cognitively affected. Whether this is lasting or ongoing only time will tell. Thankfully he did recognise me, but is also talking of going home so his (now deceased) mum & dad will look after him. Among other mixed up talk.

I took him some beautiful orange tulips mixed with blue Iris's but was utterly dismayed he didn't have any bare essentials. No pyjamas, personal items, hell not even his glasses!!

I sincerely hope he doesn't know & feel that he's been abandoned by this 40ish yr old Chinese Demon. Thinking that there's a possibility he's understanding his current reality breaks my heart. He sacrificed so much to bring her here & let her run her own real estate business.

To the extent that they've never even lived together 100% of the three years. It's generally been less than 50% of the week they'd spend together.

The day before dad collapsed & was taken to hospital we'd spoken. He confided that his wife had already been to china three times this year & was planning another trip. He'd said to me that he'd told her,- "if you're going back again then pack your effin bags & piss off"!!

If he does make any recovery, the hospital assures me that they won't just discharge him before having living/rehab arrangements in place. I don't feel I can just take their word on this however.

Anyway, it's just a relief I can talk about this here. It's an outlet.

Thanks for the thoughts, sweetchildofmine is holidaying with my mum for a few days while I choose to just switch off at times in an attempt to look after me as well.

Rtp xx
 
Im sorry tonhear about your Dad and his ungreatful, useless new wife. And it broke my heart to hear how u went to hospital to find him like that. That's not right at all! You, on the other hand, are amazing....taking him flowers and checking on his welfare etc. I lost my mom this month. Im looking for a friend.
im new to this, haven't posted in a forum since waaay back in the day of dial up!
You have a child? Or more? Good you are getting a break ♡ it makes us better parents when we remember to take care of ourselves and get breaks.
ive got 5 kids, all grown now....except for my 19yr old son Joel, hes grown but hes still my youngest so you know...I have 3 lil grandkids and Im 48 yrs young...lol
Hope you are well & getting good rest.
 
RtP,

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. Unfortunately, sometimes we make choices that we WANT to be true and believe, whether or not they will be...I know of other men who have done this, with women who claim to take care of their men. I'm Korean, and I do take care of my husband SO much, but I am deeply in love with him. Sadly, the fact that they had to say, "this is the deal" makes me believe that an arrangement was not made from love.

Can I suggest some translated materials, with some threats? Do you have his will? Can you get him to amend it, if she's in it? Can you talk to the nurses to make sure he is well cared for? Some treats for them might help them keep a better eye out.

So sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of EVERYTHING else. Thinking of you...
 
Kateijean & Anna, I'd forgotten I'd made this thread...

Seeing my own words hit me like a ton of bricks.

Dad passed away in September last year. The wife went to china and has received but not paid out the funeral insurance. Her phones cut off and immigration can't do anything as they were married three yrs. No one has her address.

He's at peace, not in rehab or a nursing home but with his parents & younger brother.

It brought us as an extended family closer, talking with my cousins in England as well as my half sisters in NZ.

Thanks for your kind words ladies

Rtp xx
 
RTP friend, i wrote to your e mail. I wrote from [email protected].
I forgot the [email protected] was / is the one I share with Carrie, so, you can write to either, but, Im more likley to find it in the kjmorrow030368 one.
Hope you are havin a good day......my positive thoughts and prayers are being sent out towards you, my new friend.
Xxxx kate morrow
 
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