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Horrible benzo withdrawl

CrazyPants

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 1, 2015
Messages
43
Where I'm at 6 months after very rapid taper off 1mg ativan, with past cold turkey from .5mg klonopin (total 8 months use) I'm sitting here writing this covered in sweat, not because I'm hot, but because my body just thinks it is, I alternate between this and cold chills. I'm buzzing all over, mostly in my legs. I can barely see the screen, its like looking through uneven glass, all I can really see is the computer screen but there is a strange splotchy blurryness to it that I have only found described on dp/dr websites, everything else is a black type of tunnel vision, its as if my brain can no longer process light and blend it properly. In the dark areas I see all kinds of colored static and strange lights, also if I move my head there are glowing or black shadowy residual images of whatever I am looking at. I see all kinds of sparks, shapes, patterns and flashing whether my eyes are open or closed, when I look at the floor it looks bent up towards me or too close, I feel shorter than I am due to my perspective being warped, also, every thing is slanted to the right, except me, sometimes things flex and warp as I move my head, and others its as if my vision is a handheld video from a camera, this eye stuff is all mostly constant 24/7.
*These images help me to illustrate some of the visuals*
Daily sight, without added disturbances

Static in dark and with eyes closed (not this extreme, but close)

My eyes are heavy and feel dry, yet they aren't dry at all, they water regularly. My face is squeezing, I think others describe this as pressure, but this isn't pressure, it feels like my skin is being sucked into my bone and pulling inward trying to suffocate me, I also get this on my throat, which literally tightens my canal and makes sucking sounds when I breathe, feels like I'm being strangled. I throw up stomach contents into my mouth once every 10 minutes, my throat is raw from being burned with stomach acid so repeatedly every day despite the fact I'm on Prevacid. My stomach is in a constant knot and my stomach and bowels are distended to the point I can't suck in, this is all made 10 times worse by eating or drinking anything.

My entire upper body rocks visibly back and forth and side to side, sometimes in small circles all day, when it gets really bad I feel like I am doing flips or in an earthquake or falling backwards. Laying down is no help, neither is closing my eyes, as my eyes are constantly darting around or doing circles and unable to focus on a single point. My entire left side is a strange kind of numb that is not in sync with my right side, it feels dead, and not my own, my left arm is the worst and most disconcerting (probably because I am left handed) it feels like a useless club, an afterthought, wrongly attached to my body from a donor. All movement is clumsy and shaky, there is no smooth action, its as if I am trying to flop around a limp crash test dummy of a body.

All my muscles shake and twitch uncontrollably at random, sometimes slow and pulsing, sometimes incredibly fast. My joints all pop and crack and ache all day. My left ear rings so loud it hurts my ear as loud sound would, sometimes it changes pitches so rapidly it makes me feel like I am flipping, when this combines with the vertigo I can't find my proper place in my own body its so disorienting. My other ear rings too, but not as loud. There is a pressure and thumping in my ears to and I am sensitive to any sudden or high pitched sound, it hurts to hear and sends an electrical pulse through my entire body that is incredibly uncomfortable.

I have trouble walking, my legs don't feel right, they are rigid and feel useless and uneven. I have all sorts of burning stabbing bruising cramping twisting pulling tingling hot cold stinging ripping electrical sensations all over my body, none of which I have ever felt most of which I can't even properly describe, anywhere, at any time, usually in the morning, but sometimes all day. My brain is mush. I still can't follow tv, I just sit and stare blankly at it, hoping to one day absorb something. My mind is a black hole, I have no recollection of who I was or how it felt to be me, or real. Everything feels so far away, including things in the room with me, the outside world doesn't even exist, I know its there, but I can't even comprehend it. My mind is just a spinning obsessive swirling vortex that is consumes with my condition. Yesterday is a million miles away, and tomorrow, writing this will be as well. I am never present, yet the present is the only time I'm able to hold on to. Some of the things my mind have been doing are unexplainable, as in its so strange I can't describe it even to myself (hard to even explain) I have random memories with no purpose darting in and out all day, mostly from long ago, but they are only flashes, they don't stay in tact (its like trying to remember spotty fuzzy dreams, but my whole mind and memory is like that)

Every day is horrible, waking is the worst. I when I wake up I feel as if I am in a massive electrical storm and am spinning and flipping and falling and my body is rigid and twisted numb and detached, yet painful all over, my mind is out of control and confused spitting all kinds of random thoughts and images at me that are not my own. It is the most horrible feeling I can imagine, especially just coming out of sleep. I look forward to going to bed, as it's my only relief, yet dread the second I wake up. This brain dump is only half of my symptoms, these just happen to be the ones bothering me the most at the moment.

Every day is a living nightmare I spend sitting on the couch clutching a pillow in a strange and totally uncomfortable tense malfunctioning body. No part of me has been spared, mind, body or soul. Just typing this has sapped all my energy and brain power for the day. This all feels so permanent, there are no fluctuations, no ebb or flow, not a single thing has changed, new things have cropped up, but I can't think of anything that has stopped aside from the 6 months of daily repeated soul spilling sobbing attacks that started after reinstatement.

According to medicine, I am perfectly healthy (which I am grateful for, although I can't enjoy it) I never even had a twinge of any of this my entire life, I was a thrill seeker, no anxiety, so physical issues, not a single care. I originally took benzos for no reason at all for a couple months, I had no idea this was even possible. I used to be a social, outward, creative, physically strong person. Now I can barely walk to the bathroom and haven't left my house in a year and a half.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that this is what is truly wrong with me and trying to trust that I can heal. Every single day I want to pour drugs down my throat to make it stop, yet somehow every day I haven't for five months now. I went into this with nothing left in my strength from my last CT, now I am so weary the slightest breeze might knock me over. I'm hoping it gets to a tolerable point soon. I don't expect to be healed, but I need some hope and relief.

Sorry this is so long, I've been a prisoner in my own mind for so long now, I barely speak anymore, I miss my friends, I miss just casually sitting on the couch, or surfing the web, or watching a documentary, or going outside and actually FEELING the world without it all feeling strange, or off or, separate.

Thanks for reading, I would appreciate any replies from those that can relate, and even moreso from those that can relate and have gotten some degree better from at where I was. Providing timelines would be helpful too, I know we are all individual, but even just for my own personal hope, hearing that it got a little better at 6 months etc...helps me push forward.
 
this is a duplicate to what you posted in O/D. don't see you gaining much more here.
 
OP

With all the list of physical and psychological torment to be blunt, yet you have sufficient focus/energy/vocabulary to write what I would call a Psychiatrist's notes of your first or second meeting.

What's with the pictures?

'According to medicine ...Go seek immediate psychiatric help/evaluation and prognosis report and then decide how you wish to continue....with all of the above 0.5 mg of Clonazepam wouldn't help other than slight relief of Anxiety, dose is too low to help with any major anti convulsions imho.

Weird, but honest...good luck

PapaO
 
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