Claudia Sass
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2015
- Messages
- 160
Disclaimer: These are not my normal dosages and I would never recommend this amount to anyone, especially to someone of my size.
Dosages
6:24pm 160mg Cap
7:29pm 140mg Drink
9:29pm 120mg Drink
12:00am 120mg Drink
I decided to Journal another roll in real-time. I was in my home and on my own. Apparently I have a lot to say when rolling. If you are not up for a big read, you may want to move onto the next post and forget about this one.
Timestamps were done in real-time, using a live-journal app on my phone. Only grammar and spelling was touched/fixed the day afterwards.
Enjoy.
6.02pm
Tonight I'm going to be a dumbass. I have the house to myself. I've been super motivated and way ahead on my studies. My house is spotless and I have nothing on my "To Do" lists.
Family drama was dumped on me to deal with. Everyone on my mothers side seems to deal with shit by bitching to each other, and then when that hasn't solved anything, bawling their eyes out and shouting profanities at each other instead. I'm different to them. I deal with shit by dissecting the problem on paper, and then finding solutions. It makes me feel in control. Calm. I don't know how to let it go and break down. I'm jealous that they can feel all these heightened emotions and I'm sitting there like an inconsiderate, frozen bitch. Just watching them. Taking notes. Coming to my own conclusion then telling them all what's going to happen and how it's going to be. Then leaving the house. Crying is cool and all, but it gets repetitive and gives me a headache.
I dropped a few days ago and the afterglow is strong, but I feel the need to push my body. Maybe it was due to the family catchup-of-hysteria. I want to feel like that. I want to feel hysteria. It looks interesting. Like their bodies have just given up and turned them into drooling, obnoxious beasts. I wanna cry like that and feel emotions that powerful.
My body is a temple as I want to tear down a few of its walls.
I'm gonna drop a few higher than normal doses tonight. Fuck the paper math. I know what could happen, but now I want to see it in action. I also want to reflect and enjoy my own company. Turn off the brain, but allow all my senses to be heightened.
Gonna start with a 160 cap. My first caps are generally around the 100 - 125 mark. But tonight is about pushing boundaries and seeing what this body can do. I'm sorry in advance to my body. I know you're gonna fight it and I know you're gonna hate me for it. But I trust you. You're strong, well nourished, you fight hard, and you know how to bounce back. Please don't spend too much effort fighting it though. I want you to lose and just travel with me. But I know my body is stubborn. Just like my brain.
6.24pm
Weighed up my pretty crystals, into a cap, then down the hatch with water. Now I have about 40 mins to burn before the poison reaches my brain. Heart. Wherever it's headed to destroy. I honestly have nothing to do. May as well take a shower.
6.51pm
I'm not feeling anything yet. I used hard gelatin caps, so they do take a little while. Curious as to why I didn't drink the crystals. It cuts the waiting time to 20 minutes for me. I'm assuming the cap has finally broken inside me, and absorption is happening. I hope my body is unaware of its existence. That it's sneaking by undetected. Sorry for poisoning you, sweet body. I feel a little guilty but I know you can handle it.
6.59pm
Everything is starting to look pretty and I've gone outside for a coffee and smoke. I wonder if there would be more peace in the world, if our senses were all usually this heightened? I can feel the drug traveling around my body. slowly, lazily. My body is calm and allowing it to take over. It doesn't feel threatened. It's ok. Taking deep breaths and feeling the come up with every exhale. You're doing great, little body.
7.03pm
Ugh this coffee tastes gross. Maybe the machine needs cleaning? Or the drug. It's still hot though which will warm me up. Winter sucks. My body is tingling. No more then usual though. My eyes have a very slight flicker. I'm not all the way up yet. Body is taking forever today.
7.04pm
I feel the need to smile. And I'm getting a funny feeling at the back of my throat. Like I'm nervous and about to give a speech.
7.06pm
It's cold I'm going inside. Fuck the smokes. Fuck the coffee.
7.08pm
These lamps around the living room are really pretty. And the house is toasty and warm! Gonna lie down on the sofa and enjoy the warmth while I figure out what I wanna do. Why do I feel nervous? Am I expecting an important phone call from someone? Let's see what's happening on Facebook.
7.11pm
I feel lightheaded and giddy. Stop feeling nervous you have no fucking reason to. Went into the bathroom to watch my eyes. Pupils are fighting it. Silly body. Just give in already and take me to my happy place. Stop fighting it! You're ruining everything!
7.15pm
I don't like my hips. They stick out and bash into things. I have an angry bruise on one of them. Not attractive. Pupils are about halfway dilated. I tested this stuff and it's pure, but weak in comparison to what I'm used to. My eyes are not dancing very fast, and my body tingles, but not anymore then usual.
7.18pm
Lying in bed on my back. If I raise my hand and spread out my fingers, I can feel a stronger tingle in the wrist? Maybe? This stuff sucks and I?€™m bored. I'm gonna go into the bathroom and watch my eyes.
Light looks pretty but that's it. I feel happy. Not happy enough. I know my body has more to give but it's been stupid and strong. Eyes are 2/3 diluted to what they can be.
7.29
An hour has passed so it's time for my second dose. Sorry body. But we are pushing you tonight, remember?
Measured out 140mg. Gonna drink it with water. Coffee as a chaser. Cheers to you, body.
Its cold inside
need to pee but the toilet is cold so opened the door so the heater air can warm it up. Will pee in 10
It's 25 degrees Celsius in the house. Maybe I should put on a jumper. Crop top is not sufficient warmth.
7.31pm
False alarm. Didn't need to pee. Just feeling nervous. WHY? I'm never nervous!
I put a metallic tattoo on my arm 2 days ago and it's so damn shiny. Love this song that's playing. It's a pop song. Why do I like a pop song and how did it even get onto my playlist? Maybe I chose the incorrect playlist.
Suddenly just felt like I got hit by a truck. Oh what's up, dancing eyes. About time you went bonkers. Welcome to the party. You're late. Must dance slower since the eyes are having mini heart attacks and it's hard to focus.
7.37pm
Eyes were annoying me so decided to lay down on the bed again. Chatting to bluelighters and Facebook friends instead. It's warm now so taken off my jumper. The crop can stay. God my hip bruise is gross. Purple and yellow.
But hip bones = cute hip bridge when I am laying down. So there is that.
Not feeling nervous anymore. Which is good cause that feeling is a pain in the ass. I wonder if teachers ever feel nervous when they first start their career. Cause they need to stand in front of a classroom of strange people that don't wanna be there, and try and be smarter then them all. Heaven forbid if they get something wrong like spelling. The little shits would have a field day.
I should know. I was one of the little shits that would pick apart teachers like they were insects.
My bad.
7.43pm
Oh my eyes are fully diluted! Woo!
Did I need to pee before? Cause now is probably my last chance before the drugs stop that part of me from working. I forget what it's called. Ugh brain come back!
7.45pm
Diuretics. Phew. That was a close one.
I did need to pee. Enjoy it bladder because that's probably the last time for the next 8 hours.
7.48pm
Music sounds louder. Odd. I'm cold. Where did I put my jacket? Gosh I feel silly right now.
First I'm gonna masturbate. Clothes can come off before they can be put on, and my phone needs charging so I can charge my phone while I touch myself.
I like to masturbate with low lighting. Bedside lamp is too bright. I have a tea candle with vanilla essence that I use for studying, so that could be cool?
7.51pm
Had to dash outside naked for my lighter and daaaammmnnnnn it's cold outside. Back inside with 3 candles burning, one is is my oil burner candle. Phone is on charge. Where is my vibrater? Brb gonna have private time with myself.
8.08pm
I cannot come. It feels amazing but I'm only getting a little bit wet and I cannot even get close to an orgasm. I've tried holding the vibrater against my clit, while on my back and then while on my stomach. I've tried having the vibrater in my vagina while rubbing my clit. Nothing. I'm producing enough juices to keep me lubed up, but it's like my bean is out out of business. Annoying cause it feels so good but I want that explosion of happiness to come too!!!!!!
Girls are complicated creatures. Suck a cock or rub it for x amount of time and it squirts. But girls? NOOO we have a spot inside and outside of us, and they both require different pressures, paces and friction to get her screaming.
8.12pm
I feel ill. I'm gonna rug up in trakkys, ugh boots and the biggest jumper I own, and go outside to smoke. Phone is on 47% so good to go! Better blow out the candles. Safety after all, though the vanilla does smell delicious. Oh well. Crappy lamp is better than a BURNING HOUSE OF FIRE.
I feel like I'm gurning. Must have some bubblegum after I smoke. Will put it on the bench to remind me.
Where are my panties?
Maybe a wool top instead of my cotton crop. Warmer. Though doesn't look as cute. Hides the bruise though.
Ohhhh the timer on the heater turned off. That explains things. Set the house for 25 for 4 hours. Should be perfect and turn off shortly before bed. Coffee tasted like shit before but benefit of the doubt, let's makes a fresh pot and see what happens. Why am I grinning like an idiot? What's happened to make me smile? Did I tell myself a funny joke? It takes a lot to make me smile, I don't just throw them at anyone. They need to be earned. Grinning like a loony. So happy! Like I'm a child and it's Christmas and Santa visited and left gifts.
8.18pm
Holy fuck this coffee tastes like a ogre peed into compost and made a cup out of the heaps contents. Balls. I wanted something hot though change to water? Or deal with the rotting grass taste?
Took another sip. Fuck that. Water it is.
8.21pm
Outside now. Just took a sip of water. It tastes... I don't know, I will get back to you. Light? It tastes light. Feels light. I have outdoor solar lights that change colour. Best buy ever! They are super cute I just want to blow kisses to them and thank them for being so colorful and lighting up the dark.
Fuck I hate the Melbourne wind. We have 2 fronts battling constantly in winter, so it's like being stuck in the middle of Alien Vs Predator. So much wind, one freezing and one just average. Second one is probably suffering from middle child syndrome. Sucks when it's fighting with its colder sister, but easy to ignore when the colder one has gone out. Can I get a high five?
8.31pm
I'm rambling on Bluelight. That's odd. I usually keep my ramblings to myself. I only joined the forum a few days ago. It's beautiful to be a part of a community that doesn't judge you. They are like me! Drugs in moderation. Happiness in moderation. Fuck this, after this smoke I'm going inside. Fuck this wind.
But I digress. Can I ramble on there? I'm a newbie. I don't know any of them. I'm the new girl that has to tread carefully and probably not post nudes in the lounge section. Why do they have a nudes post? That's kinda creepy. I wonder how many people post a nude and then read their post right away (or in the morning) and think "actually no. Let's delete that. No one wants to see that shit".
8.34pm
I enjoy talking to you, Mr Journal, so I lit up another cigarette. Go ahead and fight you crazy ass windy sisters. You're like a Footy game on TV. I will respect the fact that you're on, but don't expect my attention.
8.35pm
Ok never mind you win, I'm going inside. Gonna sit in the sofa and enjoy this music and soft lighting. I feel like there are bubbles of happy energy inside me. My limbs feel like mechanical spaghetti. My tummy hates me.
Good thing I left the bubblegum out. Just took a piece. It says it's strawberry flavored and sugar free. Fuck it's sweet. It reminds me of children's Liquid Panadol.
8.39pm
Sitting on the sofa, happily blowing bubbles and enjoying this song. I hope it's not too loud for the neighbors. But I couldn't hear the music when I was outside so must be ok.
8.45pm
Chatting on Bluelight and Facebook again. But it's boring. Maybe I should try masturbating again. I'm so happy and the house is so warm and comforting. I don't wanna take off my fleecy track pants but I REALLY wanna touch myself and make me feel even better!
I have better sex with myself then any man. I enjoy the feeling of having a strong man over me, taking control of my body, but why are they so bad at touching a women? I get it. It's a totally different body to what they have, but damn, take some fucking notes or something. Just take me from behind and I will touch myself. Geesh got to do EVERYTHING myself. Eyeroll.
It must be easy to be gay. Cause you can like, practice on yourself, and then when you've got the hang of it, you can try it on someone else!
It's more stressful for heterosexuals. You gotta be a pro the first time you get your hands on that baby. Maybe that's why people always say that the first time should be with someone special. It's probably more that the first time shouldn't be with some asshole who's gonna spread your failure session around school/work. Good luck with that.
8.49pm
Moved to the bedroom and lit up the 3 tea candles again. Not sure why I blew out the one in the oil burner. It's completely safe in there and it would have filled the room with a beautiful, deep vanilla aroma. Also popped another piece of bubblegum. Another candy explosion. It's just the initial chew. Like the ghostdrops you used to eat as a child. Initial bang of sour but then just like that, it's gone again.
8.55pm
I just broke a nail being a girl sucks sometimes. We wait 2 months for our nails to get to that perfect length, and then BAM. Snugglenail and it's all gone.
Maybe that's why girls fake themselves up these days. Fuck the nail growing, they just get acrylics. And then put fake hair on their head. And eyelashes. Like seriously, eyelashes? What the fuck is wrong with your current eyelashes? They are bloody eyelashes, not arms.
9.04pm
Mr Journal, I may be AFK for a bit.
My sister is feeling down and lonely. So she takes priority over my own thoughts and feelings. Hope you understand. Family before me xox
9.08pm
Nevermind she was being all dramatic with her Facebook posts. Cry for attention but she's ok. She did it on Facebook, after all. Will probe a little further just incase she's feeling blue but is shy about letting on, but only half in on it now. Gonna touch myself and see if anything stirs. I'm a little wet but it's like I've turned into a nun. HOW TO EVEN MASTURBATE? How does this thing work?!? Why carnt I hold all these limes?!? I'm trying to be angry and frustrated about the lack of orgasms but all I feel is happy butterflies inside of me, fluttering about and making me smile and making the candles look pretty.
Girls don't need to orgasm to enjoy it anyways. We are not like men. If I was a man I would be chomping at the bit right now.
9.18pm
Why does coffee taste like shit but my vaginal juice taste amazing? Too much info? Sorry. But whatever. It's a human body. It's interesting. Deal with it. Or stop reading. But you won't because you're as intrigued as I am. Maybe cause it's natural. Maybe cause it's from me. Like a mothers milk to her baby. I took my bubblegum out to investigate this further. I'm licking my fingers and I don't taste bad! Sweet. Very sweet. It has the normal after-taste of sex. Is this what it's like when a man goes down on me? Not bad at all! I feel good and taste delicious.
9.29pm
I'm bored of touching myself and licking my fingers. I wanna play dress ups.
Should I have my next booster now? I should have had it awhile ago. Oops. 120mg yeah? Usually I only have 1 booster and it should be 80. But I need to remind myself that we are pushing limits tonight. Stop being sensible. Still feeling sick but no signs of bile. Yet. My stomach usually cracks the shits after the second dose but today it?€™s putting up a good fight. How naive.
9.34pm
Dammit I need to measure it out. Journal doesn't mention much about water so better grab a bottle and start sipping. Gonna drink my next dose. God I'm scared that it's gonna taste worse then the coffee. It was never pleasant to begin with.
Well, measured out and mixed with water. What to use as a chaser if it tastes like balls? Orange juice. Perfect.
Well, cheer, Mr Journal. Down the hatch!
9.39pm
Holy fuck! Mission abort! the crystals didn't taste -that- bad but the orange juice tasted like being slammed by a candy factory. Gross. Drinking water to get the awful taste out. Yuk! That was fucking hilarious. My taste buds have gone bonkers. Shit stuff tastes incredible and tasty stuff is making my brain stupid. THERE IS ORANGE JUICE EVERYWHERE Hahahahhahahahha
Did I blow out my candles?
9.42pm
Apparently I did because they were all out. Good job. Way to have a brain even when you've drugged it. Not sure whether to feel smug that I have a good head on my shoulders, or sad that even when rolling, I tend to take the role of the responsible adult.
I'm too fucking happy to feel sad. Let's just be the smug bitch.
9.54pm
I want to go to the park but first I need to pee. That's odd. This stuff really isn't that strong, is it? It was a sample from my supplier, with the request to test it out and report back so he can make a decision. Sorry bro. But thanks for the free ride anyways. Least it came up good in all the regent tests.
9.56pm
Some silly person (me) closed the door to the toilet so it's cold in there! I guess I assume MDMA = Diuretic = no need to pee. Couldn't wait for it to warm up in there but I left the door open for next time.
Dance time.
Long black low-rise skirt with a high split up the side. Black leather halter crop top. Chunky black boots. Chunky gold chains. Large gold hoop earrings. Gold belly chain. Dark eye shadow. Ruby-brown lips. Delicious.
Happily dancing to the music now. I wish I learned ballroom dancing at some stage in my life. I go to clubs a lot so took a few years of hip hop and street jazz classes, so I could drop it in clubs. But ballroom dancers are just so graceful, like swans floating across a calm pond.
10.12pm
Booster just round-house kicked me in the gut. Feels more powerful than the first 2 doses. Maybe my body was too good at fighting it, and this time my body is all "fuck it, do what you want, see if I care". Yay drugs, But damnnn that slam.
Back to dancing.
10.20pm
I actually got distracted. Sorry! Wanted to check out my eyes and they are so beautiful and make me so happy to stare at them. Some say my eyes are grey, others say they are more yellow. Dressed them up with more eye shadow and eyeliner and switched my lipstick to a bright red. Humans are beautiful creatures. I am a beautiful creature. We are all miracles. Do others see how I see myself right now? A beautiful creature of this earth? I prefer my natural looks but I get that makeup definitely makes me look incredible. Except eyebrows. Never owned an eyebrow pencil. Wouldn't know how to use it. Or eyelashes curlers. They look like torture devices.
Side note: just noticed I'm sweating a little bit, even though I'm cold. MDMA alters body temp. That's right. Grabbed a thermometer and placed it on the bench. If I get any colder or sweat I will sit down on the sofa, take my temp and reassess. I am having a magical evening but nothing is worth my health. Nothing.
Ok I'm looking hot and I let my hair down from its ponytail and it's tickling my lower back with a slight natural wave to it. Natural dark brunette. Thick and long. Perfect. Goddess.
NOW I am ready to go to the park. It's just behind my house and there are swings there. I will need to rug up and grab my smokes and water bottle. I'm smiling and giggling like a school girl. Yay park!! The sky is full of pretty little stars, twinkling for my amusement.
10.40pm
Now my eyes are starting to really go cray cray and my body feels like it's full of pop rocks. Silly body. Went down the slide but it?€™s cold and I landed in the bark. The bark feels super odd! Prickly and smooth at the same time. Shit feels fantastic.
Sitting on a swing now, lit up a smoke, so gonna try and reach the stars and blow smoke rings.
Side note: mouth is feeling dry. That will teach me to not stay hydrated. Lesson learnt. Sipping water, which happily tastes good. Body feels ok temp-wise right now, but thermometer is on the bench at home, incase I feel the need to play doctor on myself. Why cant I be more "YOLO" and not give a shit about these things? I mean seriously? A thermometer? When rolling? Fuck off brain and let me be silly.
2 guys walked past the park, staring at me. I glared back, drawing in smoke, then slowly letting it trickle out the side of my mouth while lazily swinging. It's quite safe in this suburb, and many walk around at night, but it's still important to hint that you own a backbone.
11.01pm
BF just texted me. Ohhhhhhg crrreraaapppp.
He lives in the U.S. I live in Aus. We try and make it work. It's hard. It fucking sucks. But we care for each other. So we try and make it work. One day it might not work anymore, and that's totally ok.
He is against cigarettes but puts up with it for me. Other recreational drugs? No fucking way. He believes they are dangerous and will kill you and there is no safe way and it's a downhill spiral into self-pity, depression and doom.
Funny. Cause I kinda feel like a prancing unicorn right now. Neigh?
I sent him a text, saying that I love him and that I am going to bed and will call him when I wake up. Sorry for lying. I know you wouldn't approve of this substance lashing inside me, and I don?€™t want you to have any concerns.
11.17pm
I need more water to sip as the top of my mouth is telling me that I am getting dehydrated. Not good for skin or organs. Bodies are temples, and I'm dragging mine through mud right now. Least I could do is keep it as nourished as much as possible while it fights this amazing and powerful drug in me. The swing is making me really dizzy to. Fun dizzy, but also strange, cannot focus on anything dizzy.
The guys are back, walking towards the park. This swing is super fun but it's time to bail. The benefits of living behind a park is the ability to scale the wall and jump back into my yard again. Later, bitches.
Long skirts are inconvenient pieces of clothing to climb in. That fucking hurt.
Heading into the kitchen now. The text from the BF startled me so I'm feeling a little odd. I'm frowning? That's new. My stupid damn brain is feeling guilty? Oh for Christ sakes, stop being a fucking Matyr. Swaying to the music while my body feels like foggy glue. I've totally given up on my eyes. They are unfocused, blurry and stupid.
11.25pm
Water! I forgot I need water! Sorry body! We slipped a little bit into a sad place but now it's time to come up from that little hole and dance in the happy sunlight instead! The world is a beautiful place if you just mind the cracks in the pavement. I feel giddy and light. Music is so powerful. The way it moves you from the inside. I cannot help but close my eyes, lift my head up high, raise my arms and roll my body to the sounds while feeling the bass tremble up my body from my feet.
11.33pm
Finished my second bottle of water. Still cannot explain the taste. It feels like silk. But it's taste is indescribable. Swaying my hips like I'm back on the islands, calling to the gods from the beaches edge.
I'm really cold. Checked the heater and it didn't turn itself off. Guess there's no other explanation. Grabbing the thermometer and gonna sit on the sofa to make sure I'm ok. Had a Vicks inhaler up my nose so that's gotta come out, and I need to take out my gum.
11.44pm
Temp is at the higher end of Normal for me. Silly me being all motherly for no reason. Thermometer is covered in red lipstick now. Oops. My eyes have totally lost the plot right now, but if I close them then the world starts spinning really fast. Must keep moving.
11.47pm
Drugs are all about testing limits. I'm home alone, I'm comfortable and fit as a fucking horse. I have had this exact experience in this exact setting before. So it's time to put a spin on it. So much paper math of the diminishing returns on MDMA. Would a 4th dosage do anything? Will my sensitive stomach vomit it up? Will it heighten my buzz? Will it bring me down and make me depressed?
Measured out another 120mg. Paper math has a few different hypothesis. Nothing terrifying. Mostly vomit, but I can handle it. Increased heartbeat. Mine has been slow and steady, have not needed to meditate or do yoga breaths at all so far. Rise in temp, I can keep an eye on that but it can still afford to go one or two higher before I hit any zones that I should be even remotely concerned about. Jaw lock. No more then usual.
11.58pm
Measured it out. My scales make such a pretty, happy "beep" once it's finished weighing. Like it's as excited as me to go down the unknowns. BEEEP! Ready for Takeoff!
12.00am
Water with a tiny bit of green cordial as a chaser. fuck the Orange juice.
Cheers. Down the hatch,
Ok that time my taste buds reacted logically. The MDMA in water tastes like old socks, and the cordial tasted delicious. Wonder how the diminishing returns will work. Kinda nervous. Kinda excited. Fucking happy. There has been RnB playing all night but gonna change it to my Yoga playlist. Slow and sexy dance music. Still enjoying my outfit. Should try and pee before this drop hits. Silly me shut the door to the toilet so it's cold in there. Open the toilet door and gonna have a smoke first. Will try and pee directly afterwards!!! Remember this!
12.02am
Quick stop to the bathroom first. My god my eyes. They pull me in from the mirror. Like they want to kiss me and stab me at the same time. Green/yellow eyes against tanned skin and dark hair has that effect on people. I use them to my full advantage at the clubs. Draw in the guys, dare the girls. Don't like the powerful red lipstick anymore though. Let's change back to earthy brown.
12.05am
Needed to use makeup remover on the lipstick I had on. Accidentally licked my lips. My makeup remover taste like delicious razor blades. Let's NOT use that again tonight.
Have you ever brushed your hair when wearing hoop earrings and BRUSHED YOUR EARRING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING EAR? oh what's up pain?!? HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? GOOD? Wonderful because I'm currently bleeding from my ear!!!!
Ugh worst. Reaalllly bad move. Well done, dumbass. /golfclap.
Still. Probably one of the worst things to happen to me on drugs. So all things considered, I'm still pretty sensible.
I mean, if we disregard the whole "hey let's do 4 high drops for science" I decided on before. I can still taste the MDMA in my mouth, even though I gargled a lot of cordial afterwards.
12.10am
Phone is on 12% battery. What was I doing in the bathroom? Oh right. Lipstick. Since I've been getting distracted, let's try and pee now the toilet will be warm and for gods sake don't close the door, you silly goat! Hugs xoxoxo I'm not silly. I'm just used to this being a diuretic. Mr Journal you can go on charge in my bedroom.
Oh look. Smart me blew out the two tea candles again, without me realizing it. Oil burner is still going though. Perfect. Thanks, brain. Love you xoxo now brb lipstick and pee.
12.15am
I left it too late and couldn't pee. Left the door open for later attempts though.
Nearly had a meltdown in the bathroom. I couldn't find my favorite earthy-brown lipstick and was getting frustrated. But luckily, I remembered I am a girl and own about 2 hundred fucking lippies. So I told myself to just chose another one. It's deep red. Not bright-happy glamour red like what I had on before. More dark, thick blood red. And super shiny.
Im now sitting outside again, having a smoke and drinking water. Sorry Mr Journal but I still cannot explain the taste. But it feels nice in my mouth. I accidentally left a bottle outside on my smoking table so it's nice and cold down my throat.
12:20am
Did I just hear the door? My music isn't on too loud is it? I have it on volume 10 and I still cannot hear volume 13 when I out the back. Unless I have a window open somewhere and the wind is blowing it to sleepy neighbours. Gonna take off my shoes and sneak to the front door, to see if anyone is there. How hilarious if I just imagined it all! Here I am, ninja walking down the hall in the dark, sipping on water and dressed up for a Halloween party.
12.28am
Decided to ninja-sneak back into the kitchen and pack up my "chemistry" set before sneaking to the front door.
Well the good news is that I wasn't hearing things. The bad news is that they could hear my music. I feel so bad! I get along with all my neighbours and feel ashamed that they had to deal with my shit. I acknowledged that I was being completely disrespectful, apologized and promised he won't hear another peep from my house.
He took it well though. He was mad but after my hearty apology, said he understood, that I look great and he hopes I enjoy the rest of the night.
Secretly thanking the gods for the fun makeover and sexy dress up I did. Wonder if he would have reacted the same way had I been in my track pants, ugg boots and hoody, with my hair in a messy bun.
Will have to write him a proper note tomorrow, apologizing and asking for his humble forgiveness.
12.35am
Sitting on my bed and the house is so quiet! I want music so gonna do it the old fashioned, -riding-the-school-bus way. With headphones. I won't be able to feel the bass under my feet, but I can at least enjoy the music without making enemies. Feeling quite green right now, even though I?€™m grinning and giggling.
My heartbeat picked up for a tiny second just then. I was thinking "woo forth drop paper math is right!" And was feeling nervous, scared and excited! But then I got over my excitement and it's back to beating normally. I just occurred to me that the heater was due to shut off soon, as I was not planning that forth drop. Better reset the heater for 4 hours. I want the house to stay warm but it's a waste of money having it on all through the night.
My forth drop was 40 mins ago. So yeah. 4 hours of climate control will take me till 4am, however with diminishing returns, I will probably come down around 3am. Fuck I feel amazing. Like truly amazing. God could reach down and kiss me and It would still be nothing in comparison. Hugs and love to you, Mr Journal.
12.41am
I've been chewing this gum for hours and it's super soft which is odd cause it usually gets tougher with age. Unless I'm grinding so it feels soft in comparison, or maybe my body temp is creeping after all, and the heat is doing it.
Right. Gotta grab headphones cause it's too quiet, then bottled water and smokes. then sit outside, stare at the stars and wish well to all the beautiful people on this earth. I just want to find strangers and give them hugs. Find a crying child and make them smile. A old man, and hold his hand with mine. A single mum, and give her a knowing hug.
Teeth are chattering. Could be my body temp, or just the serotonin being all "yo guys what happening up here with these jaw muscles?!? Lets get spastic!"
12.46am
Holy balls I just stood up and the world just crashed around me. I am so fucking up. Higher then the original dose. Higher then the boosters. You know when you're sitting down, drinking booze like a gold fish and feeling great, and then you go to stand up and suddenly your legs don't work? Yeah that Except it's all in my brain. Eyes are dancing, Body is electric noodles. Heart is starting to pick up pace. Like I've been jogging for a bit. No need to panic. It's not like it's sprinting. That's when I can panic. So much love for my body right now!
12.50am
Sitting outside in the quiet, with just the solar lights spinning pretty colours, to keep me company. Took out my bubblegum so I could smoke and my mouth is still very dry. I usually have Gatorade or a sports drink for this shit, but today I was unprepared. Maybe a little bit of salt in my water bottle when I go inside. Hope it doesn't make it taste yucky
Eyes are foggy and darting everywhere, im making so many spelling mistakes while typing to you, Mr Journal. Thank god for autocorrect or you would be ineligible right now. I'm able to type cause it's on my phone and I can touch-type msgs like a fiend. If I was on my tablet or using someone else's phone I would have no hope. My stomach feels like it?€™s sitting in my throat.
12.53am
I was just super duper sick. Fucking gross. Really not attractive. My paper math warned me on this. And probably wasn?€™t the best time for a cigarette cause that would have aggregated the situation. Let's go inside, brush our teeth, and lay on the sofa while the storm in my tummy passes. Don't forget your water!
1.01am
Laying on my bed instead of the sofa. Added some salt to my water bottle and HOLY BALLS don't do that EVER. It made me vomit again. Yuk!! So bad! But I need sodium. Maybe if I add cordial. Anyways, will do that later. Popped 3 new pieces of bubblegum to get rid of the disgusting salty water I tried to make myself drink. Not even mad that they taste like Sweet n Low.
Laying in my bed, taking deep yoga- breaths with a Vicks inhaler up one nose. Bucket is beside me incase of emergency, though ive been pretty skilled at making it to the toilet so far. My heart is beating hard and fast and I need to calm it down. Poor body. It's such a fighter. Ended up putting my iPod on speaker so I could have music without annoying cables dangling from my ears. Mr Journal, you are charging your battery and my eyes are just freaking the fuck out! But a good freaked. Like when you're so fucking excited that you cannot keep still? That's what my eyes are doing. So you're gonna sit on my bedside table while I focus on my heart and convince it to come down from the sky. I'm inhaling the Vicks and smell vanilla aroma in the air. , kisses, hugs and love!!
1.25am
Sorry Mr Journal. I got distracted by Facebook, Snapchat and Forums.
My nausea has died down a tad, and my heart is slowing again. I feel the need to burp though, which is odd for me. Either coincidence, or definitely the cigarettes that made me feel green so suddenly. I know that taking a 4th dose would have diminishing returns and push my body into overload. But I didn't expect it to feel so fucking fantastic still!
I was thinking depression, nausea, increased heart rate and body temp, and being floored.
But we are all good in all fronts!
This booster has been fucking insane compared to the 3 previous drops. I must lecture myself in the morning of the stupidity of it all though.
Laying in my bed and going to touch myself, Mr Journal, so brb.
1.32am
Massaging my clitoris feels like receiving electric kisses from angels. But I cannot keep still. I wanna move around. But it feels good. Such hard decisions! My juices taste delicious. This is fabulous. I smell, feel and taste amazing.
1.42am
Why can I make myself groan in pleasure but I cannot make myself scream in Ecstacy! (no pun intended)
I feel like a male. I want to come. So I did a naughty thing.
From past experience (and don't even ask), I found that men's Viagra ALSO works for women. It's because it's just altering the thickness/movement of blood.
My housemate has some so I went into his bathroom for one. Also found out where all my codeine ended up. Thought I was going crazy with that one. That's ok, he can keep them, I don't need things to make me drowsy when I can be rolling stuff that makes me fly.
Since Viagra and MDMA both put pressure on the heart, I bit into 1/3 of a pill to take. Should be enough to engorge my bean, and hopefully lead me to an orgasm. Eyes are not darting around as much right now, but it's still super tricky to type.
Belly dancing around in my underwear while I open up a water bottle for this. Who needs the living room sound system when I got a sexy, candle lighted, naked body dance club happening in my room. Oh! I figured how to put salt in my system. Half a teaspoon of table salt, and a tablespoon of cordial mix. The cordial is strong enough to overpower the salt, but still weak enough to not taste like balls.
Let's try a cigarette while the Viagra kicks in. Ugh that means I gotta get up off the bed and find pants for the cold outside.
Mr Journal, your battery is at 67% so you're all healthy and can be unplugged for the rest of the night now. Let's go smoke
1.57am
Mr Journal I lied. The salt cordial tastes like shit. Salt is gross. Turns my smile upside down!!! Hehe just kidding I'm still bubbly and smiling but seriously though it tastes bad. I'm drinking it cause my body needs it, but I'm not enjoying it.
The cigarette was delicious but it?€™s bringing up bile again. Not very ladylike.
I'm quite warm now. I need to check my temp when I go inside. The solar lights lost their power so no more colourful fairies in the garden I'm using the outside light, which is dim and casting pretty shadows over the bushes and trees.
Not a sound in the air. So peaceful! Like I have the world to myself! I feel the need to climb the water pipe and sit on the roof, where I can be closer to the sky. But I also want to go inside, blast music through iPod earplugs and give myself a sexy dance.
I'm trying to figure out if I like the inhale or exhale better. I'm failing at smoke rings so I'm just making a little hole through my lips, to let the smoke slowly snake out before getting caught by the wind.
Speaking of wind, looks like the cold sister went out and Middle child is in her room, playing with toys. Not much breeze anymore. But oh I dropped my smoke and OMG the embers look like tiny stars dashing across the ground! I wonder what's happening in Facebook and Snapchat.
2.05 lit up another cigarette cause it's so pretty outside! Even with my horrible salty sweet water. I'm starting to feel sick again and my eyes are starting to dart faster again. Definitely the smokes. Dammit. But they are so delicious! Half a smoke left. Oh nvm I feel like balls, I will butt it out and go back into the bedroom where there are fluffy blankets, sexy music and massage toys. I'm gonna come down soon, too, so may as well lock the door and close off the curtains. Goodnight, pretty outside world! Will see you in the morning!!
I was sick again. Damn delicious smokes deceiving me. My ears feel blocked. I can unblock them by opening my jaw quickly. It feels SO ODD! My heart is picking up again. Lame. Must brush my teeth and start taking better care of myself, because this is getting ridiculous.
I fired the salty water. I tried, I drank as much as I could. But it made me gag again. Super unattractive.
2.13am
Sitting in my bed, cross legged and going through my costume box. Just put the thermometer in my mouth as I'm feeling pretty damn cold right now. I'm shivering and feeling a little confused and lost. Odd feeling. God I love music. Swaying to this song with my eyes closed, it's like I can feel the songs soul.
Temperature was the higher side of normal before, and now it's plummeted down. It's low. It's too low. Boo. That sucks. I don't want to feel feverish. My heart is slowly trekking towards normality, so that's promising. As long as it doesn?€™t slow right down. I need to keep myself still. I need to hydrate myself. I need to wrap myself in a blanket. I wish someone was here so I could steal their body heat. I did warn my body that we were going to be pushing boundaries. Sorry! But isn?€™t this journey interesting? Sometimes you gotta get a little outside your comfort zone.
I found a delicious purple see-through teddy, with matching gstring. Gonna watch myself dance in front of the mirror. Killer gold glitter heels. Hair is looking like sex hair. Kinda like it though! Messy and covering the sides of my face. Eye makeup is still smoky and perfect. No more lipstick, my natural lips look beautiful and supple anyways. Oh I need to light my candles again, as sensible me still co-exists with the silly one. I am giggling like a child. I just want to smile at everything and make sure everything is happy. Sitting down with blankets helped. Such a waste of time though. It's boring having to sit still when you just want to dance. Bla bla health Bla bla body temp.
Ighhhh I'm grinding my teeth again. Grabbed the old piece of gum I had the start of the night. It got really soft but now it's hard again. Yay bubblegum is so much fun! It's like immortal candy!
I love watching myself dance and touch myself in the mirror. It's like I am dancing for someone, but I get to make sure my movements are perfect. I wish there was a guy here so I could dance for him and make him smile. I wish my housemate was here! He always dances with me, and knows how to move my hips to grind against his body. He takes control, which is great cause then I can will my body into submission and enjoy the feeling without needing to think. Just to close my eyes and enjoy it.
I think I accidentally took a sip out of the salty water bottle. I have 3 on my bedside table. One had the cordial and salt water in it, and the one I just drunk from tastes like the start of bile coming up my throat.
Yup! It was the salt water. WHY DO I KEEP VOMITING?!?
Tried water from the third bottle and it tasted delicious! Put the lid on the salty one and threw it across the room. Fuck you. At this rate I?€™m going to wake up tomorrow and not own any toothpaste.
Touching myself and just licked my vibrator and I still taste delicious. This is so fucking interesting. Cannot stand cordial but lady juice is where it's at! How the hell does that work? Is this normal? This feels incredible. I Have the inhaler in one nostril and every deep breath in, I push the vibrator deep inside. Explosions of euphoria up into my brain and deep into my vagina at the same time.
Omg this feeling is amazing! My heart is going fucking bonkers but not even mad. Calm, deep breaths in, hold, then a slow exhale. Enjoy the feeling speeding through my body while my heart calms itself. My legs and feet are super tingly and my body is shaking in orgasmic appreciation.
My body feels so heavy but concentrating on my heart has worked. It's getting back to a normal beat. Wonder what's up with my body temp right now? Things are less foggy. Eyes are less fidgety.
3.05am
I'm coming down from the drop. I don't want this to end. I like this place where I am. Everything here is pretty and fun and interesting. I understand how easily I could abuse my body, and there is nothing stopping me from measuring out some more.
But it's 3am, I have work tomorrow afternoon, and while my body feels fabulous, I'm guessing it needs to rest and heal from the drugs I poisoned it with. Checked my body temp and it's going back up again. Phew! Sorry about that, little body. But you put up a good fight and I knew you would be fine. We make a great team.
3.12am
Switched off all the lights and set the climate control for 1 more hour. Threw some multivitamins into my mouth. Not the worst thing I've tasted this evening but still making me dry retch. Chucked on some clean panties and a tank top and now cuddled under the blankets. Now that I'm laying down I feel super sick again. That's annoying. My bed is feeling so soft and comforting. My blankets are heavy and warm. I feel happy and safe. I should relax and stay awake for a little while longer, before I let my body drift to sleep. I know you?€™re tired, little body, but stay awake until I know we are both safe. Read facebook, let your snapchat friends know you?€™re fine, and focus on your beating heart.
3:42am
Thankyou, Mr Journal, for coming on the journey with me. It was nice to have you there to capture my thoughts. But now I must say goodnight and allow this sleep to come over me, so I can escape this nausea and fever. Goodnight Mr Journal.
Hugs and love.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_mdma
substancecode_empathogens
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
roacode_oral
Dosages
6:24pm 160mg Cap
7:29pm 140mg Drink
9:29pm 120mg Drink
12:00am 120mg Drink
I decided to Journal another roll in real-time. I was in my home and on my own. Apparently I have a lot to say when rolling. If you are not up for a big read, you may want to move onto the next post and forget about this one.
Timestamps were done in real-time, using a live-journal app on my phone. Only grammar and spelling was touched/fixed the day afterwards.
Enjoy.
6.02pm
Tonight I'm going to be a dumbass. I have the house to myself. I've been super motivated and way ahead on my studies. My house is spotless and I have nothing on my "To Do" lists.
Family drama was dumped on me to deal with. Everyone on my mothers side seems to deal with shit by bitching to each other, and then when that hasn't solved anything, bawling their eyes out and shouting profanities at each other instead. I'm different to them. I deal with shit by dissecting the problem on paper, and then finding solutions. It makes me feel in control. Calm. I don't know how to let it go and break down. I'm jealous that they can feel all these heightened emotions and I'm sitting there like an inconsiderate, frozen bitch. Just watching them. Taking notes. Coming to my own conclusion then telling them all what's going to happen and how it's going to be. Then leaving the house. Crying is cool and all, but it gets repetitive and gives me a headache.
I dropped a few days ago and the afterglow is strong, but I feel the need to push my body. Maybe it was due to the family catchup-of-hysteria. I want to feel like that. I want to feel hysteria. It looks interesting. Like their bodies have just given up and turned them into drooling, obnoxious beasts. I wanna cry like that and feel emotions that powerful.
My body is a temple as I want to tear down a few of its walls.
I'm gonna drop a few higher than normal doses tonight. Fuck the paper math. I know what could happen, but now I want to see it in action. I also want to reflect and enjoy my own company. Turn off the brain, but allow all my senses to be heightened.
Gonna start with a 160 cap. My first caps are generally around the 100 - 125 mark. But tonight is about pushing boundaries and seeing what this body can do. I'm sorry in advance to my body. I know you're gonna fight it and I know you're gonna hate me for it. But I trust you. You're strong, well nourished, you fight hard, and you know how to bounce back. Please don't spend too much effort fighting it though. I want you to lose and just travel with me. But I know my body is stubborn. Just like my brain.
6.24pm
Weighed up my pretty crystals, into a cap, then down the hatch with water. Now I have about 40 mins to burn before the poison reaches my brain. Heart. Wherever it's headed to destroy. I honestly have nothing to do. May as well take a shower.
6.51pm
I'm not feeling anything yet. I used hard gelatin caps, so they do take a little while. Curious as to why I didn't drink the crystals. It cuts the waiting time to 20 minutes for me. I'm assuming the cap has finally broken inside me, and absorption is happening. I hope my body is unaware of its existence. That it's sneaking by undetected. Sorry for poisoning you, sweet body. I feel a little guilty but I know you can handle it.
6.59pm
Everything is starting to look pretty and I've gone outside for a coffee and smoke. I wonder if there would be more peace in the world, if our senses were all usually this heightened? I can feel the drug traveling around my body. slowly, lazily. My body is calm and allowing it to take over. It doesn't feel threatened. It's ok. Taking deep breaths and feeling the come up with every exhale. You're doing great, little body.
7.03pm
Ugh this coffee tastes gross. Maybe the machine needs cleaning? Or the drug. It's still hot though which will warm me up. Winter sucks. My body is tingling. No more then usual though. My eyes have a very slight flicker. I'm not all the way up yet. Body is taking forever today.
7.04pm
I feel the need to smile. And I'm getting a funny feeling at the back of my throat. Like I'm nervous and about to give a speech.
7.06pm
It's cold I'm going inside. Fuck the smokes. Fuck the coffee.
7.08pm
These lamps around the living room are really pretty. And the house is toasty and warm! Gonna lie down on the sofa and enjoy the warmth while I figure out what I wanna do. Why do I feel nervous? Am I expecting an important phone call from someone? Let's see what's happening on Facebook.
7.11pm
I feel lightheaded and giddy. Stop feeling nervous you have no fucking reason to. Went into the bathroom to watch my eyes. Pupils are fighting it. Silly body. Just give in already and take me to my happy place. Stop fighting it! You're ruining everything!
7.15pm
I don't like my hips. They stick out and bash into things. I have an angry bruise on one of them. Not attractive. Pupils are about halfway dilated. I tested this stuff and it's pure, but weak in comparison to what I'm used to. My eyes are not dancing very fast, and my body tingles, but not anymore then usual.
7.18pm
Lying in bed on my back. If I raise my hand and spread out my fingers, I can feel a stronger tingle in the wrist? Maybe? This stuff sucks and I?€™m bored. I'm gonna go into the bathroom and watch my eyes.
Light looks pretty but that's it. I feel happy. Not happy enough. I know my body has more to give but it's been stupid and strong. Eyes are 2/3 diluted to what they can be.
7.29
An hour has passed so it's time for my second dose. Sorry body. But we are pushing you tonight, remember?
Measured out 140mg. Gonna drink it with water. Coffee as a chaser. Cheers to you, body.
Its cold inside
need to pee but the toilet is cold so opened the door so the heater air can warm it up. Will pee in 10It's 25 degrees Celsius in the house. Maybe I should put on a jumper. Crop top is not sufficient warmth.
7.31pm
False alarm. Didn't need to pee. Just feeling nervous. WHY? I'm never nervous!
I put a metallic tattoo on my arm 2 days ago and it's so damn shiny. Love this song that's playing. It's a pop song. Why do I like a pop song and how did it even get onto my playlist? Maybe I chose the incorrect playlist.
Suddenly just felt like I got hit by a truck. Oh what's up, dancing eyes. About time you went bonkers. Welcome to the party. You're late. Must dance slower since the eyes are having mini heart attacks and it's hard to focus.
7.37pm
Eyes were annoying me so decided to lay down on the bed again. Chatting to bluelighters and Facebook friends instead. It's warm now so taken off my jumper. The crop can stay. God my hip bruise is gross. Purple and yellow.
But hip bones = cute hip bridge when I am laying down. So there is that.
Not feeling nervous anymore. Which is good cause that feeling is a pain in the ass. I wonder if teachers ever feel nervous when they first start their career. Cause they need to stand in front of a classroom of strange people that don't wanna be there, and try and be smarter then them all. Heaven forbid if they get something wrong like spelling. The little shits would have a field day.
I should know. I was one of the little shits that would pick apart teachers like they were insects.
My bad.
7.43pm
Oh my eyes are fully diluted! Woo!
Did I need to pee before? Cause now is probably my last chance before the drugs stop that part of me from working. I forget what it's called. Ugh brain come back!
7.45pm
Diuretics. Phew. That was a close one.
I did need to pee. Enjoy it bladder because that's probably the last time for the next 8 hours.
7.48pm
Music sounds louder. Odd. I'm cold. Where did I put my jacket? Gosh I feel silly right now.
First I'm gonna masturbate. Clothes can come off before they can be put on, and my phone needs charging so I can charge my phone while I touch myself.
I like to masturbate with low lighting. Bedside lamp is too bright. I have a tea candle with vanilla essence that I use for studying, so that could be cool?
7.51pm
Had to dash outside naked for my lighter and daaaammmnnnnn it's cold outside. Back inside with 3 candles burning, one is is my oil burner candle. Phone is on charge. Where is my vibrater? Brb gonna have private time with myself.
8.08pm
I cannot come. It feels amazing but I'm only getting a little bit wet and I cannot even get close to an orgasm. I've tried holding the vibrater against my clit, while on my back and then while on my stomach. I've tried having the vibrater in my vagina while rubbing my clit. Nothing. I'm producing enough juices to keep me lubed up, but it's like my bean is out out of business. Annoying cause it feels so good but I want that explosion of happiness to come too!!!!!!
Girls are complicated creatures. Suck a cock or rub it for x amount of time and it squirts. But girls? NOOO we have a spot inside and outside of us, and they both require different pressures, paces and friction to get her screaming.
8.12pm
I feel ill. I'm gonna rug up in trakkys, ugh boots and the biggest jumper I own, and go outside to smoke. Phone is on 47% so good to go! Better blow out the candles. Safety after all, though the vanilla does smell delicious. Oh well. Crappy lamp is better than a BURNING HOUSE OF FIRE.
I feel like I'm gurning. Must have some bubblegum after I smoke. Will put it on the bench to remind me.
Where are my panties?
Maybe a wool top instead of my cotton crop. Warmer. Though doesn't look as cute. Hides the bruise though.
Ohhhh the timer on the heater turned off. That explains things. Set the house for 25 for 4 hours. Should be perfect and turn off shortly before bed. Coffee tasted like shit before but benefit of the doubt, let's makes a fresh pot and see what happens. Why am I grinning like an idiot? What's happened to make me smile? Did I tell myself a funny joke? It takes a lot to make me smile, I don't just throw them at anyone. They need to be earned. Grinning like a loony. So happy! Like I'm a child and it's Christmas and Santa visited and left gifts.
8.18pm
Holy fuck this coffee tastes like a ogre peed into compost and made a cup out of the heaps contents. Balls. I wanted something hot though
change to water? Or deal with the rotting grass taste?Took another sip. Fuck that. Water it is.
8.21pm
Outside now. Just took a sip of water. It tastes... I don't know, I will get back to you. Light? It tastes light. Feels light. I have outdoor solar lights that change colour. Best buy ever! They are super cute I just want to blow kisses to them and thank them for being so colorful and lighting up the dark.
Fuck I hate the Melbourne wind. We have 2 fronts battling constantly in winter, so it's like being stuck in the middle of Alien Vs Predator. So much wind, one freezing and one just average. Second one is probably suffering from middle child syndrome. Sucks when it's fighting with its colder sister, but easy to ignore when the colder one has gone out. Can I get a high five?
8.31pm
I'm rambling on Bluelight. That's odd. I usually keep my ramblings to myself. I only joined the forum a few days ago. It's beautiful to be a part of a community that doesn't judge you. They are like me! Drugs in moderation. Happiness in moderation. Fuck this, after this smoke I'm going inside. Fuck this wind.
But I digress. Can I ramble on there? I'm a newbie. I don't know any of them. I'm the new girl that has to tread carefully and probably not post nudes in the lounge section. Why do they have a nudes post? That's kinda creepy. I wonder how many people post a nude and then read their post right away (or in the morning) and think "actually no. Let's delete that. No one wants to see that shit".
8.34pm
I enjoy talking to you, Mr Journal, so I lit up another cigarette. Go ahead and fight you crazy ass windy sisters. You're like a Footy game on TV. I will respect the fact that you're on, but don't expect my attention.
8.35pm
Ok never mind you win, I'm going inside. Gonna sit in the sofa and enjoy this music and soft lighting. I feel like there are bubbles of happy energy inside me. My limbs feel like mechanical spaghetti. My tummy hates me.
Good thing I left the bubblegum out. Just took a piece. It says it's strawberry flavored and sugar free. Fuck it's sweet. It reminds me of children's Liquid Panadol.
8.39pm
Sitting on the sofa, happily blowing bubbles and enjoying this song. I hope it's not too loud for the neighbors. But I couldn't hear the music when I was outside so must be ok.
8.45pm
Chatting on Bluelight and Facebook again. But it's boring. Maybe I should try masturbating again. I'm so happy and the house is so warm and comforting. I don't wanna take off my fleecy track pants but I REALLY wanna touch myself and make me feel even better!
I have better sex with myself then any man. I enjoy the feeling of having a strong man over me, taking control of my body, but why are they so bad at touching a women? I get it. It's a totally different body to what they have, but damn, take some fucking notes or something. Just take me from behind and I will touch myself. Geesh got to do EVERYTHING myself. Eyeroll.
It must be easy to be gay. Cause you can like, practice on yourself, and then when you've got the hang of it, you can try it on someone else!
It's more stressful for heterosexuals. You gotta be a pro the first time you get your hands on that baby. Maybe that's why people always say that the first time should be with someone special. It's probably more that the first time shouldn't be with some asshole who's gonna spread your failure session around school/work. Good luck with that.
8.49pm
Moved to the bedroom and lit up the 3 tea candles again. Not sure why I blew out the one in the oil burner. It's completely safe in there and it would have filled the room with a beautiful, deep vanilla aroma. Also popped another piece of bubblegum. Another candy explosion. It's just the initial chew. Like the ghostdrops you used to eat as a child. Initial bang of sour but then just like that, it's gone again.
8.55pm
I just broke a nail
being a girl sucks sometimes. We wait 2 months for our nails to get to that perfect length, and then BAM. Snugglenail and it's all gone.Maybe that's why girls fake themselves up these days. Fuck the nail growing, they just get acrylics. And then put fake hair on their head. And eyelashes. Like seriously, eyelashes? What the fuck is wrong with your current eyelashes? They are bloody eyelashes, not arms.
9.04pm
Mr Journal, I may be AFK for a bit.
My sister is feeling down and lonely. So she takes priority over my own thoughts and feelings. Hope you understand. Family before me xox
9.08pm
Nevermind she was being all dramatic with her Facebook posts. Cry for attention but she's ok. She did it on Facebook, after all. Will probe a little further just incase she's feeling blue but is shy about letting on, but only half in on it now. Gonna touch myself and see if anything stirs. I'm a little wet but it's like I've turned into a nun. HOW TO EVEN MASTURBATE? How does this thing work?!? Why carnt I hold all these limes?!? I'm trying to be angry and frustrated about the lack of orgasms but all I feel is happy butterflies inside of me, fluttering about and making me smile and making the candles look pretty.
Girls don't need to orgasm to enjoy it anyways. We are not like men. If I was a man I would be chomping at the bit right now.
9.18pm
Why does coffee taste like shit but my vaginal juice taste amazing? Too much info? Sorry. But whatever. It's a human body. It's interesting. Deal with it. Or stop reading. But you won't because you're as intrigued as I am. Maybe cause it's natural. Maybe cause it's from me. Like a mothers milk to her baby. I took my bubblegum out to investigate this further. I'm licking my fingers and I don't taste bad! Sweet. Very sweet. It has the normal after-taste of sex. Is this what it's like when a man goes down on me? Not bad at all! I feel good and taste delicious.
9.29pm
I'm bored of touching myself and licking my fingers. I wanna play dress ups.
Should I have my next booster now? I should have had it awhile ago. Oops. 120mg yeah? Usually I only have 1 booster and it should be 80. But I need to remind myself that we are pushing limits tonight. Stop being sensible. Still feeling sick but no signs of bile. Yet. My stomach usually cracks the shits after the second dose but today it?€™s putting up a good fight. How naive.
9.34pm
Dammit I need to measure it out. Journal doesn't mention much about water so better grab a bottle and start sipping. Gonna drink my next dose. God I'm scared that it's gonna taste worse then the coffee. It was never pleasant to begin with.
Well, measured out and mixed with water. What to use as a chaser if it tastes like balls? Orange juice. Perfect.
Well, cheer, Mr Journal. Down the hatch!
9.39pm
Holy fuck! Mission abort! the crystals didn't taste -that- bad but the orange juice tasted like being slammed by a candy factory. Gross. Drinking water to get the awful taste out. Yuk! That was fucking hilarious. My taste buds have gone bonkers. Shit stuff tastes incredible and tasty stuff is making my brain stupid. THERE IS ORANGE JUICE EVERYWHERE Hahahahhahahahha
Did I blow out my candles?
9.42pm
Apparently I did because they were all out. Good job. Way to have a brain even when you've drugged it. Not sure whether to feel smug that I have a good head on my shoulders, or sad that even when rolling, I tend to take the role of the responsible adult.
I'm too fucking happy to feel sad. Let's just be the smug bitch.
9.54pm
I want to go to the park but first I need to pee. That's odd. This stuff really isn't that strong, is it? It was a sample from my supplier, with the request to test it out and report back so he can make a decision. Sorry bro. But thanks for the free ride anyways. Least it came up good in all the regent tests.
9.56pm
Some silly person (me) closed the door to the toilet so it's cold in there! I guess I assume MDMA = Diuretic = no need to pee. Couldn't wait for it to warm up in there but I left the door open for next time.
Dance time.
Long black low-rise skirt with a high split up the side. Black leather halter crop top. Chunky black boots. Chunky gold chains. Large gold hoop earrings. Gold belly chain. Dark eye shadow. Ruby-brown lips. Delicious.
Happily dancing to the music now. I wish I learned ballroom dancing at some stage in my life. I go to clubs a lot so took a few years of hip hop and street jazz classes, so I could drop it in clubs. But ballroom dancers are just so graceful, like swans floating across a calm pond.
10.12pm
Booster just round-house kicked me in the gut. Feels more powerful than the first 2 doses. Maybe my body was too good at fighting it, and this time my body is all "fuck it, do what you want, see if I care". Yay drugs, But damnnn that slam.
Back to dancing.
10.20pm
I actually got distracted. Sorry! Wanted to check out my eyes and they are so beautiful and make me so happy to stare at them. Some say my eyes are grey, others say they are more yellow. Dressed them up with more eye shadow and eyeliner and switched my lipstick to a bright red. Humans are beautiful creatures. I am a beautiful creature. We are all miracles. Do others see how I see myself right now? A beautiful creature of this earth? I prefer my natural looks but I get that makeup definitely makes me look incredible. Except eyebrows. Never owned an eyebrow pencil. Wouldn't know how to use it. Or eyelashes curlers. They look like torture devices.
Side note: just noticed I'm sweating a little bit, even though I'm cold. MDMA alters body temp. That's right. Grabbed a thermometer and placed it on the bench. If I get any colder or sweat I will sit down on the sofa, take my temp and reassess. I am having a magical evening but nothing is worth my health. Nothing.
Ok I'm looking hot and I let my hair down from its ponytail and it's tickling my lower back with a slight natural wave to it. Natural dark brunette. Thick and long. Perfect. Goddess.
NOW I am ready to go to the park. It's just behind my house and there are swings there. I will need to rug up and grab my smokes and water bottle. I'm smiling and giggling like a school girl. Yay park!! The sky is full of pretty little stars, twinkling for my amusement.
10.40pm
Now my eyes are starting to really go cray cray and my body feels like it's full of pop rocks. Silly body. Went down the slide but it?€™s cold and I landed in the bark. The bark feels super odd! Prickly and smooth at the same time. Shit feels fantastic.
Sitting on a swing now, lit up a smoke, so gonna try and reach the stars and blow smoke rings.
Side note: mouth is feeling dry. That will teach me to not stay hydrated. Lesson learnt. Sipping water, which happily tastes good. Body feels ok temp-wise right now, but thermometer is on the bench at home, incase I feel the need to play doctor on myself. Why cant I be more "YOLO" and not give a shit about these things? I mean seriously? A thermometer? When rolling? Fuck off brain and let me be silly.
2 guys walked past the park, staring at me. I glared back, drawing in smoke, then slowly letting it trickle out the side of my mouth while lazily swinging. It's quite safe in this suburb, and many walk around at night, but it's still important to hint that you own a backbone.
11.01pm
BF just texted me. Ohhhhhhg crrreraaapppp.
He lives in the U.S. I live in Aus. We try and make it work. It's hard. It fucking sucks. But we care for each other. So we try and make it work. One day it might not work anymore, and that's totally ok.
He is against cigarettes but puts up with it for me. Other recreational drugs? No fucking way. He believes they are dangerous and will kill you and there is no safe way and it's a downhill spiral into self-pity, depression and doom.
Funny. Cause I kinda feel like a prancing unicorn right now. Neigh?
I sent him a text, saying that I love him and that I am going to bed and will call him when I wake up. Sorry for lying. I know you wouldn't approve of this substance lashing inside me, and I don?€™t want you to have any concerns.
11.17pm
I need more water to sip as the top of my mouth is telling me that I am getting dehydrated. Not good for skin or organs. Bodies are temples, and I'm dragging mine through mud right now. Least I could do is keep it as nourished as much as possible while it fights this amazing and powerful drug in me. The swing is making me really dizzy to. Fun dizzy, but also strange, cannot focus on anything dizzy.
The guys are back, walking towards the park. This swing is super fun but it's time to bail. The benefits of living behind a park is the ability to scale the wall and jump back into my yard again. Later, bitches.
Long skirts are inconvenient pieces of clothing to climb in. That fucking hurt.
Heading into the kitchen now. The text from the BF startled me so I'm feeling a little odd. I'm frowning? That's new. My stupid damn brain is feeling guilty? Oh for Christ sakes, stop being a fucking Matyr. Swaying to the music while my body feels like foggy glue. I've totally given up on my eyes. They are unfocused, blurry and stupid.
11.25pm
Water! I forgot I need water! Sorry body! We slipped a little bit into a sad place but now it's time to come up from that little hole and dance in the happy sunlight instead! The world is a beautiful place if you just mind the cracks in the pavement. I feel giddy and light. Music is so powerful. The way it moves you from the inside. I cannot help but close my eyes, lift my head up high, raise my arms and roll my body to the sounds while feeling the bass tremble up my body from my feet.
11.33pm
Finished my second bottle of water. Still cannot explain the taste. It feels like silk. But it's taste is indescribable. Swaying my hips like I'm back on the islands, calling to the gods from the beaches edge.
I'm really cold. Checked the heater and it didn't turn itself off. Guess there's no other explanation. Grabbing the thermometer and gonna sit on the sofa to make sure I'm ok. Had a Vicks inhaler up my nose so that's gotta come out, and I need to take out my gum.
11.44pm
Temp is at the higher end of Normal for me. Silly me being all motherly for no reason. Thermometer is covered in red lipstick now. Oops. My eyes have totally lost the plot right now, but if I close them then the world starts spinning really fast. Must keep moving.
11.47pm
Drugs are all about testing limits. I'm home alone, I'm comfortable and fit as a fucking horse. I have had this exact experience in this exact setting before. So it's time to put a spin on it. So much paper math of the diminishing returns on MDMA. Would a 4th dosage do anything? Will my sensitive stomach vomit it up? Will it heighten my buzz? Will it bring me down and make me depressed?
Measured out another 120mg. Paper math has a few different hypothesis. Nothing terrifying. Mostly vomit, but I can handle it. Increased heartbeat. Mine has been slow and steady, have not needed to meditate or do yoga breaths at all so far. Rise in temp, I can keep an eye on that but it can still afford to go one or two higher before I hit any zones that I should be even remotely concerned about. Jaw lock. No more then usual.
11.58pm
Measured it out. My scales make such a pretty, happy "beep" once it's finished weighing. Like it's as excited as me to go down the unknowns. BEEEP! Ready for Takeoff!
12.00am
Water with a tiny bit of green cordial as a chaser. fuck the Orange juice.
Cheers. Down the hatch,
Ok that time my taste buds reacted logically. The MDMA in water tastes like old socks, and the cordial tasted delicious. Wonder how the diminishing returns will work. Kinda nervous. Kinda excited. Fucking happy. There has been RnB playing all night but gonna change it to my Yoga playlist. Slow and sexy dance music. Still enjoying my outfit. Should try and pee before this drop hits. Silly me shut the door to the toilet so it's cold in there. Open the toilet door and gonna have a smoke first. Will try and pee directly afterwards!!! Remember this!
12.02am
Quick stop to the bathroom first. My god my eyes. They pull me in from the mirror. Like they want to kiss me and stab me at the same time. Green/yellow eyes against tanned skin and dark hair has that effect on people. I use them to my full advantage at the clubs. Draw in the guys, dare the girls. Don't like the powerful red lipstick anymore though. Let's change back to earthy brown.
12.05am
Needed to use makeup remover on the lipstick I had on. Accidentally licked my lips. My makeup remover taste like delicious razor blades. Let's NOT use that again tonight.
Have you ever brushed your hair when wearing hoop earrings and BRUSHED YOUR EARRING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING EAR? oh what's up pain?!? HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? GOOD? Wonderful because I'm currently bleeding from my ear!!!!
Ugh worst. Reaalllly bad move. Well done, dumbass. /golfclap.
Still. Probably one of the worst things to happen to me on drugs. So all things considered, I'm still pretty sensible.
I mean, if we disregard the whole "hey let's do 4 high drops for science" I decided on before. I can still taste the MDMA in my mouth, even though I gargled a lot of cordial afterwards.
12.10am
Phone is on 12% battery. What was I doing in the bathroom? Oh right. Lipstick. Since I've been getting distracted, let's try and pee now the toilet will be warm and for gods sake don't close the door, you silly goat! Hugs xoxoxo I'm not silly. I'm just used to this being a diuretic. Mr Journal you can go on charge in my bedroom.
Oh look. Smart me blew out the two tea candles again, without me realizing it. Oil burner is still going though. Perfect. Thanks, brain. Love you xoxo now brb lipstick and pee.
12.15am
I left it too late and couldn't pee. Left the door open for later attempts though.
Nearly had a meltdown in the bathroom. I couldn't find my favorite earthy-brown lipstick and was getting frustrated. But luckily, I remembered I am a girl and own about 2 hundred fucking lippies. So I told myself to just chose another one. It's deep red. Not bright-happy glamour red like what I had on before. More dark, thick blood red. And super shiny.
Im now sitting outside again, having a smoke and drinking water. Sorry Mr Journal but I still cannot explain the taste. But it feels nice in my mouth. I accidentally left a bottle outside on my smoking table so it's nice and cold down my throat.
12:20am
Did I just hear the door? My music isn't on too loud is it? I have it on volume 10 and I still cannot hear volume 13 when I out the back. Unless I have a window open somewhere and the wind is blowing it to sleepy neighbours. Gonna take off my shoes and sneak to the front door, to see if anyone is there. How hilarious if I just imagined it all! Here I am, ninja walking down the hall in the dark, sipping on water and dressed up for a Halloween party.
12.28am
Decided to ninja-sneak back into the kitchen and pack up my "chemistry" set before sneaking to the front door.
Well the good news is that I wasn't hearing things. The bad news is that they could hear my music. I feel so bad! I get along with all my neighbours and feel ashamed that they had to deal with my shit. I acknowledged that I was being completely disrespectful, apologized and promised he won't hear another peep from my house.
He took it well though. He was mad but after my hearty apology, said he understood, that I look great and he hopes I enjoy the rest of the night.
Secretly thanking the gods for the fun makeover and sexy dress up I did. Wonder if he would have reacted the same way had I been in my track pants, ugg boots and hoody, with my hair in a messy bun.
Will have to write him a proper note tomorrow, apologizing and asking for his humble forgiveness.
12.35am
Sitting on my bed and the house is so quiet! I want music so gonna do it the old fashioned, -riding-the-school-bus way. With headphones. I won't be able to feel the bass under my feet, but I can at least enjoy the music without making enemies. Feeling quite green right now, even though I?€™m grinning and giggling.
My heartbeat picked up for a tiny second just then. I was thinking "woo forth drop paper math is right!" And was feeling nervous, scared and excited! But then I got over my excitement and it's back to beating normally. I just occurred to me that the heater was due to shut off soon, as I was not planning that forth drop. Better reset the heater for 4 hours. I want the house to stay warm but it's a waste of money having it on all through the night.
My forth drop was 40 mins ago. So yeah. 4 hours of climate control will take me till 4am, however with diminishing returns, I will probably come down around 3am. Fuck I feel amazing. Like truly amazing. God could reach down and kiss me and It would still be nothing in comparison. Hugs and love to you, Mr Journal.
12.41am
I've been chewing this gum for hours and it's super soft which is odd cause it usually gets tougher with age. Unless I'm grinding so it feels soft in comparison, or maybe my body temp is creeping after all, and the heat is doing it.
Right. Gotta grab headphones cause it's too quiet, then bottled water and smokes. then sit outside, stare at the stars and wish well to all the beautiful people on this earth. I just want to find strangers and give them hugs. Find a crying child and make them smile. A old man, and hold his hand with mine. A single mum, and give her a knowing hug.
Teeth are chattering. Could be my body temp, or just the serotonin being all "yo guys what happening up here with these jaw muscles?!? Lets get spastic!"
12.46am
Holy balls I just stood up and the world just crashed around me. I am so fucking up. Higher then the original dose. Higher then the boosters. You know when you're sitting down, drinking booze like a gold fish and feeling great, and then you go to stand up and suddenly your legs don't work? Yeah that Except it's all in my brain. Eyes are dancing, Body is electric noodles. Heart is starting to pick up pace. Like I've been jogging for a bit. No need to panic. It's not like it's sprinting. That's when I can panic. So much love for my body right now!
12.50am
Sitting outside in the quiet, with just the solar lights spinning pretty colours, to keep me company. Took out my bubblegum so I could smoke and my mouth is still very dry. I usually have Gatorade or a sports drink for this shit, but today I was unprepared. Maybe a little bit of salt in my water bottle when I go inside. Hope it doesn't make it taste yucky
Eyes are foggy and darting everywhere, im making so many spelling mistakes while typing to you, Mr Journal. Thank god for autocorrect or you would be ineligible right now. I'm able to type cause it's on my phone and I can touch-type msgs like a fiend. If I was on my tablet or using someone else's phone I would have no hope. My stomach feels like it?€™s sitting in my throat.
12.53am
I was just super duper sick. Fucking gross. Really not attractive. My paper math warned me on this. And probably wasn?€™t the best time for a cigarette cause that would have aggregated the situation. Let's go inside, brush our teeth, and lay on the sofa while the storm in my tummy passes. Don't forget your water!
1.01am
Laying on my bed instead of the sofa. Added some salt to my water bottle and HOLY BALLS don't do that EVER. It made me vomit again. Yuk!! So bad! But I need sodium. Maybe if I add cordial. Anyways, will do that later. Popped 3 new pieces of bubblegum to get rid of the disgusting salty water I tried to make myself drink. Not even mad that they taste like Sweet n Low.
Laying in my bed, taking deep yoga- breaths with a Vicks inhaler up one nose. Bucket is beside me incase of emergency, though ive been pretty skilled at making it to the toilet so far. My heart is beating hard and fast and I need to calm it down. Poor body. It's such a fighter. Ended up putting my iPod on speaker so I could have music without annoying cables dangling from my ears. Mr Journal, you are charging your battery and my eyes are just freaking the fuck out! But a good freaked. Like when you're so fucking excited that you cannot keep still? That's what my eyes are doing. So you're gonna sit on my bedside table while I focus on my heart and convince it to come down from the sky. I'm inhaling the Vicks and smell vanilla aroma in the air. , kisses, hugs and love!!
1.25am
Sorry Mr Journal. I got distracted by Facebook, Snapchat and Forums.
My nausea has died down a tad, and my heart is slowing again. I feel the need to burp though, which is odd for me. Either coincidence, or definitely the cigarettes that made me feel green so suddenly. I know that taking a 4th dose would have diminishing returns and push my body into overload. But I didn't expect it to feel so fucking fantastic still!
I was thinking depression, nausea, increased heart rate and body temp, and being floored.
But we are all good in all fronts!
This booster has been fucking insane compared to the 3 previous drops. I must lecture myself in the morning of the stupidity of it all though.
Laying in my bed and going to touch myself, Mr Journal, so brb.
1.32am
Massaging my clitoris feels like receiving electric kisses from angels. But I cannot keep still. I wanna move around. But it feels good. Such hard decisions! My juices taste delicious. This is fabulous. I smell, feel and taste amazing.
1.42am
Why can I make myself groan in pleasure but I cannot make myself scream in Ecstacy! (no pun intended)
I feel like a male. I want to come. So I did a naughty thing.
From past experience (and don't even ask), I found that men's Viagra ALSO works for women. It's because it's just altering the thickness/movement of blood.
My housemate has some so I went into his bathroom for one. Also found out where all my codeine ended up. Thought I was going crazy with that one. That's ok, he can keep them, I don't need things to make me drowsy when I can be rolling stuff that makes me fly.
Since Viagra and MDMA both put pressure on the heart, I bit into 1/3 of a pill to take. Should be enough to engorge my bean, and hopefully lead me to an orgasm. Eyes are not darting around as much right now, but it's still super tricky to type.
Belly dancing around in my underwear while I open up a water bottle for this. Who needs the living room sound system when I got a sexy, candle lighted, naked body dance club happening in my room. Oh! I figured how to put salt in my system. Half a teaspoon of table salt, and a tablespoon of cordial mix. The cordial is strong enough to overpower the salt, but still weak enough to not taste like balls.
Let's try a cigarette while the Viagra kicks in. Ugh that means I gotta get up off the bed and find pants for the cold outside.
Mr Journal, your battery is at 67% so you're all healthy and can be unplugged for the rest of the night now. Let's go smoke
1.57am
Mr Journal I lied. The salt cordial tastes like shit. Salt is gross. Turns my smile upside down!!! Hehe just kidding I'm still bubbly and smiling
but seriously though it tastes bad. I'm drinking it cause my body needs it, but I'm not enjoying it.The cigarette was delicious but it?€™s bringing up bile again. Not very ladylike.
I'm quite warm now. I need to check my temp when I go inside. The solar lights lost their power so no more colourful fairies in the garden
I'm using the outside light, which is dim and casting pretty shadows over the bushes and trees.Not a sound in the air. So peaceful! Like I have the world to myself! I feel the need to climb the water pipe and sit on the roof, where I can be closer to the sky. But I also want to go inside, blast music through iPod earplugs and give myself a sexy dance.
I'm trying to figure out if I like the inhale or exhale better. I'm failing at smoke rings so I'm just making a little hole through my lips, to let the smoke slowly snake out before getting caught by the wind.
Speaking of wind, looks like the cold sister went out and Middle child is in her room, playing with toys. Not much breeze anymore. But oh I dropped my smoke and OMG the embers look like tiny stars dashing across the ground! I wonder what's happening in Facebook and Snapchat.
2.05 lit up another cigarette cause it's so pretty outside! Even with my horrible salty sweet water. I'm starting to feel sick again and my eyes are starting to dart faster again. Definitely the smokes. Dammit. But they are so delicious! Half a smoke left. Oh nvm I feel like balls, I will butt it out and go back into the bedroom where there are fluffy blankets, sexy music and massage toys. I'm gonna come down soon, too, so may as well lock the door and close off the curtains. Goodnight, pretty outside world! Will see you in the morning!!
I was sick again. Damn delicious smokes deceiving me. My ears feel blocked. I can unblock them by opening my jaw quickly. It feels SO ODD! My heart is picking up again. Lame. Must brush my teeth and start taking better care of myself, because this is getting ridiculous.
I fired the salty water. I tried, I drank as much as I could. But it made me gag again. Super unattractive.
2.13am
Sitting in my bed, cross legged and going through my costume box. Just put the thermometer in my mouth as I'm feeling pretty damn cold right now. I'm shivering and feeling a little confused and lost. Odd feeling. God I love music. Swaying to this song with my eyes closed, it's like I can feel the songs soul.
Temperature was the higher side of normal before, and now it's plummeted down. It's low. It's too low. Boo. That sucks. I don't want to feel feverish. My heart is slowly trekking towards normality, so that's promising. As long as it doesn?€™t slow right down. I need to keep myself still. I need to hydrate myself. I need to wrap myself in a blanket. I wish someone was here so I could steal their body heat. I did warn my body that we were going to be pushing boundaries. Sorry! But isn?€™t this journey interesting? Sometimes you gotta get a little outside your comfort zone.
I found a delicious purple see-through teddy, with matching gstring. Gonna watch myself dance in front of the mirror. Killer gold glitter heels. Hair is looking like sex hair. Kinda like it though! Messy and covering the sides of my face. Eye makeup is still smoky and perfect. No more lipstick, my natural lips look beautiful and supple anyways. Oh I need to light my candles again, as sensible me still co-exists with the silly one. I am giggling like a child. I just want to smile at everything and make sure everything is happy. Sitting down with blankets helped. Such a waste of time though. It's boring having to sit still when you just want to dance. Bla bla health Bla bla body temp.
Ighhhh I'm grinding my teeth again. Grabbed the old piece of gum I had the start of the night. It got really soft but now it's hard again. Yay bubblegum is so much fun! It's like immortal candy!
I love watching myself dance and touch myself in the mirror. It's like I am dancing for someone, but I get to make sure my movements are perfect. I wish there was a guy here so I could dance for him and make him smile. I wish my housemate was here! He always dances with me, and knows how to move my hips to grind against his body. He takes control, which is great cause then I can will my body into submission and enjoy the feeling without needing to think. Just to close my eyes and enjoy it.
I think I accidentally took a sip out of the salty water bottle. I have 3 on my bedside table. One had the cordial and salt water in it, and the one I just drunk from tastes like the start of bile coming up my throat.
Yup! It was the salt water. WHY DO I KEEP VOMITING?!?
Tried water from the third bottle and it tasted delicious! Put the lid on the salty one and threw it across the room. Fuck you. At this rate I?€™m going to wake up tomorrow and not own any toothpaste.
Touching myself and just licked my vibrator and I still taste delicious. This is so fucking interesting. Cannot stand cordial but lady juice is where it's at! How the hell does that work? Is this normal? This feels incredible. I Have the inhaler in one nostril and every deep breath in, I push the vibrator deep inside. Explosions of euphoria up into my brain and deep into my vagina at the same time.
Omg this feeling is amazing! My heart is going fucking bonkers but not even mad. Calm, deep breaths in, hold, then a slow exhale. Enjoy the feeling speeding through my body while my heart calms itself. My legs and feet are super tingly and my body is shaking in orgasmic appreciation.
My body feels so heavy but concentrating on my heart has worked. It's getting back to a normal beat. Wonder what's up with my body temp right now? Things are less foggy. Eyes are less fidgety.
3.05am
I'm coming down from the drop. I don't want this to end. I like this place where I am. Everything here is pretty and fun and interesting. I understand how easily I could abuse my body, and there is nothing stopping me from measuring out some more.
But it's 3am, I have work tomorrow afternoon, and while my body feels fabulous, I'm guessing it needs to rest and heal from the drugs I poisoned it with. Checked my body temp and it's going back up again. Phew! Sorry about that, little body. But you put up a good fight and I knew you would be fine. We make a great team.
3.12am
Switched off all the lights and set the climate control for 1 more hour. Threw some multivitamins into my mouth. Not the worst thing I've tasted this evening but still making me dry retch. Chucked on some clean panties and a tank top and now cuddled under the blankets. Now that I'm laying down I feel super sick again. That's annoying. My bed is feeling so soft and comforting. My blankets are heavy and warm. I feel happy and safe. I should relax and stay awake for a little while longer, before I let my body drift to sleep. I know you?€™re tired, little body, but stay awake until I know we are both safe. Read facebook, let your snapchat friends know you?€™re fine, and focus on your beating heart.
3:42am
Thankyou, Mr Journal, for coming on the journey with me. It was nice to have you there to capture my thoughts. But now I must say goodnight and allow this sleep to come over me, so I can escape this nausea and fever. Goodnight Mr Journal.
Hugs and love.
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