• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

I'm Done.

riddla420

riddla420

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 21, 2009
Messages
40
I am finished. I have tried 200 times to get my business back on track , to no avail. I am a burdon to my Family. I love my 3 Kids so ,so ,much ,but I hate my Wife even more. She is an asexual cunt ,bitch boring ,celebrity obsessed droid.She is incapable of intelligent conversation,or thought. Almost all of my Friends are dead or gone ad out of touch .I have absolutely no reason to leave the house. Subutex and the sedentary lifestyle has made me a fat loser,compared to the thin athletic street freestyle stunt rider I was even into my early 40's I guess I just married the wrong Girl. I was a Rasta Ganga puffer since 1976 and it kept me level. My Wife herranged me to quit puffin' and within 2 weeks of quitting, I was for the first time in my life using Oxycodone 5 MG every night,before stunt riding. Then I got my hands on an 80Mg and I chhipped at it for a few days. Then I got up to 5-6 80's a day & was really scared. So I paid $1000 to join a rehab center and I gained like 80 lbs and became a fat turd ,and I want to die. I have 3 Beautiful Children whom I love so much,but they will be better without me.I am 51 years old,and my Dad was 53 when he OD'd .All my dudes are dead . I hate my wife. She has never even gotten a buzz in her life.She is such a drag I want to hang myself around her I do so ,so ,much for my Children ,but they can easily adjust without me.I am nothing. I play Guitar. I ride Motorcycle. I can grow kill-bud that I have been doing since 1980 before it was "Hip" to be a grower.I think My Wife Has a big life insurance policy on me so My Kids would benefit from my demise. I want them to know I love them more than anything in the universe. I am just a big drag & embaressment on their life. I love Micheal ,Gianna ,And Francesca so much. I'm sorry it has to be like this. All my other friends are dead ,so I will go and join them. I cant ever get back too making Money ,so let me die. I am so sorry to my Baby Gianna for the pain of going through this. I have enough Xannex,Ambien and Subutex to go out I am leaving now. Thank you for being here Blulight. I Love you Michael ,Francesca,and my Gickers. I'm sorry. But my life is just to pathetic to continue day after day. One day ,you will understand. Gick.I love you so ,so ,so ,so muchI dont want you to have to be embarressed of me anymore.
 
Hey if youre still alive. heres something to think about. Are you absolutley ready to face the other side? By all means take your life if youre prepared to face the vastness of the unconscious world. When you pass your body will cease to live, but your mind and soul will be stuck for all eternity. We as humans have the gift of a soul and when the soul leaves the body, thats it. Leave no stone unturned. Before you go make peace within yourself so when you pass your soul wont be stuck here on this hell of an earth yearning for answers to questions you havent answered. Before you go, be ready. Nobody knows what is on the other side and if you arent prepared you will be lonelier than you feel without your friends and your miserable wife. Everyman has every right to do what he wants with his or her life. But i urge you to be prepared to face the unknown.
Say this before you go:
Lord Jesus Christ, who willest that no man should perish, and to whom petition is never made without the hope of mercy, for Thou saidst with Thine own holy and blessed lips: "All things whatsoever ye shall ask in My name, shall be done unto you"; I beg of Thee, O Lord, for Thy holy Name's sake, to grant me at the hour of my death full consciousness and the power of speech, sincere contrition for my sins, true faith, firm hope and perfect charity, that I may be able to say unto Thee with a clean heart: Thou has redeemed me, O God of truth, who art blessed for ever and ever. Amen.
 
Do you hear yourself, You have three beautiful babies!!! Just imagine for one moment the absolute grief your loss will have on them for the rest of their lives.

You are here for a reason.

Find that reason! You matter!You really really do! Trust me! If you need to speak to some one PM me and I'll give you my number! I'm only a phone call away. Don't do anything daft!
 
Hey Riddla, frustration and confusion are clouding your thinking right now. You can divorce your wife if you hate her. You can lose weight if it is that important to you. You can use what you learned in rehab or try again with a different approach and get off the drugs that are making you miserable, you can define yourself in new ways, do new things and be there for your children (who don't even care about most of the things that are making you think they will be embarrassed of you). The only thing you cannot do is come back from the dead.

It sounds like you are down in one of those deep holes of despair that makes everything in sight look rotten and hopeless.....except your kids. You love your kids. You can build on that. Hold onto that for now. Let everything else fall away. Don't delude yourself that anyone will be better off without you but particularly your kids. Your Dad could not be the Dad he wanted to be because of addiction, but you still have that chance. You have so much love for your kids, it comes through in your post. Make it real for them. It's ok to show your suffering and then show them that you have the strength to overcome it. That right there is the only real lesson we can pass onto our kids because life will always include some suffering. Show them how to rise up through it and make a new start. Show them that no matter how many times you stumble you can get back up. Just take a breather for tonight. Have a good cry. Let everything go but your life.
 
hey man! change your attitude! what kind of defetest attitude is that? you're just gonna give up? you realize that subutex is just making you depressed.... esp if you sit around and do nothing on it....

just DECIDE you are gonna get excited and pumped up.... like if you are going to kill yourself... why not for the sake of your life and your childrens try to make your life work out ..... like ONE LAST GO .... of running, playing music, setting goals, and really going for it! Life expects certain things out of all of us, and it has nothing to do with our selfish desires or issues....

what kind of example would you be setting for your children? don't you understand you will be condemning them to very difficult , potentially unmanegable lives if you do kill yourself....

come on man,, get off that suboxone , and give life another shot.... your a big boy , you know better than to go through with this.
 
Back from a coma!

Thank you everyone. I just woke up .I guess I passed out before I was able to take enough to really finish me.I still had more pills on my mirror .I drank a lot and snorted 2 xanies with 2 ambiens and 8MG of subutex. I havent drank for like 1 & 1/2 months but every few months I get ansey and go on a binge .I guess I have a pretty high tolerence for that. My addiction Doctor has a method to get me off the subutex in 1 day it is called the RMOD method.It costs $6800 plus like $350 a week for a few weeks for vitamin and testosterone shots. My T levels were checked by my General practitioner and he said they were the lowest T levels he had ever seen in a living person in 30 years of practice.They were26 PPM !!!!Normal for my age should be around 275 -350 PPM. I really don't want to die ,My Kids do need me as I do everything for them .I get up at 5:30 every weekday and make breakfast for my ids and make their lunches and school snacks ,I do all the shopping and clean the house ,and plan and cook the dinner menu all week ,and drive my kids to school & pick them up so they don't have to take the bus with a bunch of animals .I clean their rooms and do their laundry ,and cut the lawn and keep the cars running I paint & fix anything that is broken but I no longer have anywhere to go. I am trapped in this place called South Florida and I actually have not a single Friend left here. They say you lose 1/2 your friends every 7 years well I lost all of mine at the age of 51. Od's ,Cancer,Heart attacks ,moving away all added up.I have couple friends up north but I dont know if ill ever see them again.Tey are stil on Oxys and dilaudids. I have my Ninja 600 out in my garage ,but I have no one to ride with and no where to go. I am also a pretty decent guitar payer but I'm to fat to be in a band now. I was in a bunch of Metal bands in NY in the 80's,and cover bands in FLa in the 90's The subs really screwed up my hormones and caused massive weight gain and constant depression. so I am embarressed to even leave the house much anyway ,My Wife is a practicing Catholic and doesn't believe in divorce ,and we have been together for 23 years so I don't know what will happen. I do think of suicide every single day of my life. My dad was 53 and he took vodka ,xannies elavil,and prozac and went out. I feel like I am following in his footsteps.I had a successful contracting business for over 15 years and There were a couple of years when we coudn't pay all the licensure and insurance fees so I lost my contractor certification. I would hae to start from scratch again ,and I really don't have it in me to pass all the tests again.My Wife is a successful senior manager now,but I am just a faggy Housedad. It is hard to deal with not being the breadwinner. Back in 2008 ,I had 2 trucks & 3 Kawi Ninjas,and a tricked out 50 cc mini stunt bike. I have 1 Ninja 600 left. But To fat to be seen on it.5'8 250 lbs.sorry to go on & on but I have no one to talk about this with.My Wife & I sleep in separate rooms as my youngest still sleeps with her. I'll just trudge through another week I guess. Again sorry to whine like a little bitch but I don't know If I can do this much longer. I really want off the subutex.It has me in a haze funk.And it is so technical to ween off ,I don't have the disipline or the moral support of my Wife to do it. She is too busy.
 
Hey 420
My heart goes out to you sounds like your in a rough place. I suggest you start making some goals for yourself.
Sounds like you are going to come off subs that's great.
The other thing you keep talking about is your weight. Start eating healthy and working out the weight will come off and you will be so happy. Your self confidence will be much improved. A happy confident person attracts people you will meet new friends if you put yourself out there.

If after that your are still not happy in your marriage maybe look at divorce. Your children need you !! Don't ever think they would be better off without you.
 
Tell yourself that you are not going shut off any suicidal feelings until you have given yourself a chance to be off subs for a while, get your testosterone levels where they need to be and otherwise get your brain clear chemically. When you don't have all the false ups and downs from the chemistry you can look at your true ups and downs. It seems like your weight is a huge issue for you so maybe you could simply start small and slow but make some dietary changes and get some aerobic exercise going and see if you can't start chipping away at that. The upside is that it will make you feel better and help with your brain chemistry as well as taking off pounds.

I gained a lot of weight after I had kids and I was shy about even trying to go out and work it off. I started just taking really fast walks at night around my neighborhood. It ended up being a great stress release at the end of the day and once I coupled it with just a few simple things like cutting down on sweets and simple carbs I lost what I wanted to lose.

Don't put yourself (and other stay at home Dads) down for not being the breadwinner just because you are male. There is no big rule book out there though we all act like there is. I know a lot of couples where the Dad stays with the kids and the mom works. It usually has to do with benefits and income. That is entirely reasonable and its an old out-dated idea that the guy will always earn more. I really believe in someone staying home when the kids are little--whether it is Dad or Mom makes no difference IMO--but somebody needs to be the cornerstone of the family. Not every family can afford to do this and I understand that. But I think since you can that you should make peace with your role and be proud of it. I took some shit for choosing to stay home with my kids but I know it was the best decision for them and not only that they were some of the best years of my life--I would never trade those experiences for anything. So let go of what you think society expects and know you are giving your kids something they truly need.

It sounds like you really care about kids. What about volunteering with something like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. they usually only ask for a couple of hours one day a week. You could teach some kid how to play guitar or how to work on a motorcycle--some kid that isn't lucky enough to have a Dad in his life. Kids do not care if you are fat, skinny or in the middle. They just need some adult to take an interest in them.
 
herbavore said:
Tell yourself that you are not going shut off any suicidal feelings until you have given yourself a chance to be off subs for a while, get your testosterone levels where they need to be and otherwise get your brain clear chemically. When you don't have all the false ups and downs from the chemistry you can look at your true ups and downs. It seems like your weight is a huge issue for you so maybe you could simply start small and slow but make some dietary changes and get some aerobic exercise going and see if you can't start chipping away at that. The upside is that it will make you feel better and help with your brain chemistry as well as taking off pounds.

I gained a lot of weight after I had kids and I was shy about even trying to go out and work it off. I started just taking really fast walks at night around my neighborhood. It ended up being a great stress release at the end of the day and once I coupled it with just a few simple things like cutting down on sweets and simple carbs I lost what I wanted to lose.

Don't put yourself (and other stay at home Dads) down for not being the breadwinner just because you are male. There is no big rule book out there though we all act like there is. I know a lot of couples where the Dad stays with the kids and the mom works. It usually has to do with benefits and income. That is entirely reasonable and its an old out-dated idea that the guy will always earn more. I really believe in someone staying home when the kids are little--whether it is Dad or Mom makes no difference IMO--but somebody needs to be the cornerstone of the family. Not every family can afford to do this and I understand that. But I think since you can that you should make peace with your role and be proud of it. I took some shit for choosing to stay home with my kids but I know it was the best decision for them and not only that they were some of the best years of my life--I would never trade those experiences for anything. So let go of what you think society expects and know you are giving your kids something they truly need.

It sounds like you really care about kids. What about volunteering with something like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. they usually only ask for a couple of hours one day a week. You could teach some kid how to play guitar or how to work on a motorcycle--some kid that isn't lucky enough to have a Dad in his life. Kids do not care if you are fat, skinny or in the middle. They just need some adult to take an interest in them.
Click to expand...
Thank you . You are 100% right.I honestly love my 3 Kids more than anything in the Universe. I have built 3 massive Gaming PC's for my oldest Son,right now he is rocking an Intel Core i7 ,with a Nvidia GTX980 Graphics card for playing the most demanding Pc Games.I also just traded his PS4 or an Xbox One on CL ,so he could console game with his Band friends from Marching Band at his H.S. My youngest Daughter & I are so very close, I am like her personal body gaurd and protector. I neer let her out off my sight. She is 11 years old and Beautiful . I won't let some Perv take her away to the Middle east ,or put her in some underground fort and keep her there as a sex toy for years before disposing of her for A NEW TOY ! i AM VERY OVERPROTECTIVE OF MY 2 girls ! I had been taking walks & doing curls with a 40Lb Dumbell ,but I keep thinking in my head that "you have no testosterone,You are a whimp. You can't lift a fly" And it keeps flipping me out,and draining me. I tried walking days ,but kept running into the "perfect Boca plastic Moms". I used to be so quick on my feet but I would be waddling as fast as I could ,and these bleach blonde ,toned Moms would just whiz right by me. It was humiliating. I live in a nice upper middle class association community W/ a pool /tennis /weight room /spa ,but I am so embarrassed to go in there. Meanwhile 7 years ago ,I was doing gymnastic tricks on my Kawasaki & Honda stuntbikes on the rough pavement. I was in a really dark place last night. I think I will be OK for now. But I always have this voice in my head saying Kill yourself ,kill yourself,why don't you kill yourself,Don't rely on no one else end it all and kill yourself,kill yourself kill yourself go out and kill yourself ,don't rely n no one else just goi out and kill your selff Noooooowwwwww. Your just a loser, There's nothin' left for you ,a worthless loser. At everything you dooooo........
 
Can someone help me. I cant figure out ow to post photos and videos from my PC. It only gives me an option to post from a URL from online. Any help greatly appreciated. I want to post some photos ,and vids from my PC. My Cell phone is broken as of last night . I will hopefully have a new one within 2-3 days max.
 
riddla420 said:
Can someone help me. I cant figure out ow to post photos and videos from my PC. It only gives me an option to post from a URL from online. Any help greatly appreciated. I want to post some photos ,and vids from my PC. My Cell phone is broken as of last night . I will hopefully have a new one within 2-3 days max.
Click to expand...
You can upload pictures from something like dropbucket, flickr or another picture sharing site. We have a picture thread here but please read the guidelines first--no triggering content! That means any pictures that show drug use or drugs including alcohol. I usually post mine from flickr and just copy the url and paste it here.
 
No ,Do not want to show any drug use at all or anything like that. Never. Just personal stuff and emotional triggers that get me by the heart. and family photos.
 
riddla420 said:
Thank you everyone. I just woke up .I guess I passed out before I was able to take enough to really finish me.I still had more pills on my mirror .I drank a lot and snorted 2 xanies with 2 ambiens and 8MG of subutex. I havent drank for like 1 & 1/2 months but every few months I get ansey and go on a binge .I guess I have a pretty high tolerence for that. My addiction Doctor has a method to get me off the subutex in 1 day it is called the RMOD method.It costs $6800 plus like $350 a week for a few weeks for vitamin and testosterone shots. My T levels were checked by my General practitioner and he said they were the lowest T levels he had ever seen in a living person in 30 years of practice.They were26 PPM !!!!Normal for my age should be around 275 -350 PPM. I really don't want to die ,My Kids do need me as I do everything for them .I get up at 5:30 every weekday and make breakfast for my ids and make their lunches and school snacks ,I do all the shopping and clean the house ,and plan and cook the dinner menu all week ,and drive my kids to school & pick them up so they don't have to take the bus with a bunch of animals .I clean their rooms and do their laundry ,and cut the lawn and keep the cars running I paint & fix anything that is broken but I no longer have anywhere to go. I am trapped in this place called South Florida and I actually have not a single Friend left here. They say you lose 1/2 your friends every 7 years well I lost all of mine at the age of 51. Od's ,Cancer,Heart attacks ,moving away all added up.I have couple friends up north but I dont know if ill ever see them again.Tey are stil on Oxys and dilaudids. I have my Ninja 600 out in my garage ,but I have no one to ride with and no where to go. I am also a pretty decent guitar payer but I'm to fat to be in a band now. I was in a bunch of Metal bands in NY in the 80's,and cover bands in FLa in the 90's The subs really screwed up my hormones and caused massive weight gain and constant depression. so I am embarressed to even leave the house much anyway ,My Wife is a practicing Catholic and doesn't believe in divorce ,and we have been together for 23 years so I don't know what will happen. I do think of suicide every single day of my life. My dad was 53 and he took vodka ,xannies elavil,and prozac and went out. I feel like I am following in his footsteps.I had a successful contracting business for over 15 years and There were a couple of years when we coudn't pay all the licensure and insurance fees so I lost my contractor certification. I would hae to start from scratch again ,and I really don't have it in me to pass all the tests again.My Wife is a successful senior manager now,but I am just a faggy Housedad. It is hard to deal with not being the breadwinner. Back in 2008 ,I had 2 trucks & 3 Kawi Ninjas,and a tricked out 50 cc mini stunt bike. I have 1 Ninja 600 left. But To fat to be seen on it.5'8 250 lbs.sorry to go on & on but I have no one to talk about this with.My Wife & I sleep in separate rooms as my youngest still sleeps with her. I'll just trudge through another week I guess. Again sorry to whine like a little bitch but I don't know If I can do this much longer. I really want off the subutex.It has me in a haze funk.And it is so technical to ween off ,I don't have the disipline or the moral support of my Wife to do it. She is too busy.
Click to expand...


420, You sound like an amazing bloke! A great husband and even more amazing dad! Don't put yourself down! You sound like complete bliss to me! You're not a "Little bitch" you're just going through a bit of a time but as far as life resumes go, you pretty much sound perfect!
 
I totally agree! Your kids need YOU. They follow us and our examples and I believe you don't want them to learn that suicide is even an option.

I hear you 420! There are phases in life that seems unbearable but the same way you became different from what you used to be when you were on your 40's shows this can also be done again and it will change you eventually. I strongly suggest that you don't decide your future, specially when it involves death when you are emotionally exhausted. This is a moment if you consider your entire life and as you grow into finding solutions you tend to feel better.

Death is unknown to us. As it was mentioned above you could be trapped in darkness for ever with nothing and nobody or worst it could not work out the way you think it would and you could awake with disabilities like not being able to speak, hear or even brain damaged.

Think about your children. They are still very young to deal with this. They need you. We here in BL want the best for you. You are not alone. You can always change your life. If not now, later but don't block all exits to jump in misery and to the unknown. Bare with us for sometime. Keep posting.

Read herbavore's posts again. Consider your options. Read all the messages we are sending you. Your post with the things you have achieved tells me you are not a loser at all.
 
Last edited:
PS: in regards to Testosterone levels, mine were pretty low due to a lot of reasons and the doctor prescribed hormones. One dose - muscle tiny injected and in a couple of weeks you will change. You'll probably lose some weight, your muscle mass can be recovered slowly and your moods will definitely improve. After 3 months the results are visible and the physician's goal is to get your testosterone levels to a normal and stable number. Not more, not less. That alone will improve your life's quality. It's a fact and it happened to me and to many other patients.

Look ok for an urologist and he'll will do the proper exams and have that resolved. It takes 3 to 6 months to have it fully recovered but you start feeling the results before that. It's rather common these days to have your hormones down.
 
MY son adores me. not nearly as much as I do him. MY father passes away when I was 16 at UGA basketball camp for high school.
I promised my son to NEVER leave him, just like youre kids adore you.:)
we are here for you and keep updated.

GOOD LUCK

" if you can make it thru this darkest night.....I can guarantee you a much brighter day " Tupac Amaru Shakur
 
That 6800 hundred dollar 1 day sedation detox is a fucking scam don't fall for too good to be true bullshit. If you want to get off subs do a nice long steady taper. However I think coming off subs is a really bad idea. Throwing withdrawals and PAWS into your already negative mental state is an absolute recipe for disaster. I think you should divorce your wife. It's to the point where you hate her that's as bad as things can get in a relationship. I know your kids would rather be from a divorced household than a widowed household. Far as life I surface goes most policies dont pay out for suicide.

You got options man. Your business has failed? Ok time to go find a job workin for someone else in your chosen industry. You sound smart and driven I know you can do it. At that point you will be living so ewhere other than with your life at a new job making new friends. Your life can have a new beginning my friend there is hope. If all that doesn't move you than do it for your kids. They need a father. That shit about you being more use to them dead is bullshit!

Lot of other great advice in this thread. Keep posting buddy. I've tried to commit suicide 5 times. I don't feel like that today. Thongs can get better.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top