the illusion of being a functional alcoholic

[Beat Narrative]

so, I am an alcoholic and substance dependent. I am 34 I have maintained a stable life and currently travelling the world indefinitely. I drink from the moment I wake up and continue until I fall asleep, I am lucky and also cursed that whilst I get wasted on the exterior I appear relatively sober. I know I need to stop but its hard while travelling, everyday seems like a holiday. I have have made attempts to stop, been to AA but it seemed to me like each person was trying to out do the next with stories of woe, I know I should have perservered and found the meeting that resonated with me. I almost wish I did something to shame myself into sobriety. When I mention to people my concerns about drinking it is trivialised, I have not hit rock bottom, I have been travelling for six months and intend to travel for another 18 months. Its gotten to the point I need to drink to feel functional. I know this is not a story of woe, but my mother drank herself to death by 38 and I feel i am on the same course . I guess i am wondering if anyone can relate and successfully addressed the problem. Please don't think i am some over privileged asshole feeling sorry for myself, left Melbourne purely to escape what was looking like a meth problem was on the cards, the money I am travelling with is money from my mothers estate. I have just polished off a bottle of vodka, my hotel room looks like a scene from leaving Las Vegas. Anyway, writing in a public forum is cathartic , anyone who bothered to read this thanks and i hope anyone suffering drinking or other substance abuse issues, stay safe and if u ever need to chat pm me, it can hopefully be mutually beneficial

 

[herbavore]

I'm sure that I am not saying anything new here but you are probably suffering the fallout of your mother's trajectory. It is not uncommon for children raised by alcoholics to become alcoholics themselves. Losing your mother when she was only 38 means you were pretty young yourself. I'm sure there was so much shame and secrecy and confusion in addition to the already overwhelming grief of losing a parent. There is a lot of pain in there--most of it not even conscious. Sometimes it is hard to even access the pain enough to begin to untangle it. One thing that can be dangerous is to try to do this on your own. I'm referring to both alcohol detox and confronting all the old messages that are lodged in your psyche that keep you needing to be high. Traveling can be healing (I've used it that way) but it can also be dangerously isolating. What part of the world are you in right now?

 

[Beat Narrative]

Thanks for your reply, I don't know what sort of replies I was seeking, just felt the need to externalise. I am in Vietnam, not a country that is conducive to sobriety given the price, head to India in a week for six months, the land of absurdly cheap whiskey! I almost feel its a for gone conclusion that I follow in my mums footsteps, I know its defeatist. Anyway I know this thread I self centred but I needed an avenue to express myself that was not directed to those close to me

 

[herbavore]

It is a very sad fallout of our culture that people can be narcissistic as fuck as long as they are functioning consumers but the minute a person needs to focus on him or herself in order to heal some madness within that they are internally programmed to feel self-centered. If we could remove the stigma from those innocent two words we would go a long way towards a more human and less ego-centered culture IMO. All right, enough of my soapbox...apologies.

The reason I asked about your whereabouts was because I had the thought that if I were in your shoes...and they are a pretty desperate pair of shoes atm...I would try something completely insane like going to a local spiritual healer. You never know what might kick your life in a different direction. I haven't had to heal from an addiction but I have had to heal from things that were equally self-defeating and limiting and I can tell you it has always been something completely out of left field (an american expression if there ever was one meaning unexpected and out of the blue) that changed things that I felt sure could not be changed. I'm not a person that resonates with religion at all but I do get a lot out of what lies at the root of almost every major religion and that is the desire to connect our deepest selves with something greater, cosmic or divine (all inadequate words but what we've got for now).

I think it's great to make a thread like this. For one thing, you can write your way to clarity about habitual thoughts that you never question until you see your own words laid out before you. You also get to say things you cannot say to your family or people that know you. I have ended up exposing myself to myself multiple times on Bluelight, though it was never my intent when I started.

 

[Boupstarnm]

Stay strong. I hit it too hard after my father's death.

I gave up completely.

Try looking past the current moment. A vacation. A dream. Something to endure the present moment for.

A little shift in thought can change this whole thing. Smile in the face of oblivion. Defy your own stupidity. Ignite that fire inside yourself.

 

[dhcdavid]

A little shift in thought can change this whole thing. Smile in the face of oblivion. Defy your own stupidity. Ignite that fire inside yourself.

Beautiful words Boupstarnm. And so fucking true! Peace. D x

 

[herbavore]

I especially love, "Defy your own stupidity". Best things in my life have come from doing that....plenty of stupidity to defy, too.