Still no information regarding ephenidine + SSRI/SNRI combo?
Not quite a straight up SSRI trip report but here goes:
BRUTALLY HONEST DISCLAIMER: WHAT I DID HERE IS EXTREMELY RISKY AND CAN LAND YOU INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION OR AN EARLY GRAVE. I AM A DUMBASS WITH A DIAGNOSED MENTAL DISORDER ON MEDICATION WHO DIDN'T START ON A LOW DOSE. IF YOU ARE ON AN ANTIDEPRESSANT PLEASE DO NOT PLAY WITH YOUR LIFE AND START AT A MUCH, MUCH LOWER DOSE!
So in July I had a massively traumatizing trip combining a pile of nootropics, 500 ug of LSD, some 3-MeO-PCP and MXP which resulted in me flushing my whole stash and developing post traumatic stress disorder, paranoia and major depression. Which also coincided with a lot of job related stress. I've since tried to turn the tide using LSD and mushrooms but they haven't been able to produce any positive mental effects, just bland visuals (LSD only) and general anxiety. So far my mental issues have severed bonds with my friends, I've lost my girlfriend who I loved, and I'm on sick leave from work which I plan to quit, my will to live is gone.
Enter ephenidine: Just about a week ago I received some ephenidine and put it straight into use. 180 mg was eaten at 20:00, and it resulted in a rather profound experience. The comeup (about 2 hours) was a slow onset of confusion and slight panic, though I've come used to that through MXP and one experience of MXE. I couldn't relax at all which surely affected my trip. Time seemed compressed rather than dilated. At the height of the experience I completely lost the ability to form coherent sentences and tried to ask ephenidine questions it couldn't asnwer: what should I do with my job, what should I do with my life, what should I with love. All of this was met with emptiness. In the end I had a realization on how my relationship was truly gone and there's absolutely no way to salvage it, and I learned to accept that. I somehow got the feeling that instead of a equal partnership I was engaged in a kind of a mother-son relationship with my ex (our relationship, which started in spring this year, was fantastic until my collapse due to the disastrous events described above), and the umbilical cord must be severed for me to be whole. So I have to let her go. The acceptance was not quite thorough as I noticed I still had many of the same feelings for her when the trip was over, but I'm willing to accept that psychedelics are tools to work on yourself and not a quick fix to all of your problems so I still have much to overcome. I couldn't get any sleep by 7:00 am so I took 10 mg diazepam, and since that didn't cut it, 25 mg quetiapine and slept 6 hours.
After that I got put on 10 mg of Vortioxetine (Brintellix) which is a serotonin modulator. I split up the dose, 5 mg in the morning and 5 mg in the evening.
Yesterday I decided to try ephenidine again. I was kind of scared of the prospect of serotonin syndrome due to my medication but my research over the internet found no evidence of negative interactions (again, please, if you're on an antidepressant, do not be a fool like me, and start on a low dose!). I skipped my evening dose of Vortioxetine (I don't know if this really matters due to the long half life of it- I haven't reached steady plasma levels which takes about 2 weeks) and took 130 mg of ephenidine, oral, at 17:30. During the comeup I made sure I relaxed in my bed, watching the Infinite Waters (Diving Deep) Youtube channel. As usual, my mind seemed more and more fragmented and confusion and attention deficiency set in. At 2 hours in I wasn't feeling much of anything other than confusion, and due to the absence of negative interactions with Vortioxetine I decided to redose 80 mg which put me at 210 mg ephenidine. I didn't know how I ended up with 80 mg more, the number just spoke to me.
Now things got interesting. I don't know how much time exactly passed but suddenly time dilation was very apparent. Music from my laptop seemed to last for an eternity. I can't quite remember if I got much in the way of visual effects at this point but I suddenly was entirely convinced I was insane. Utterly, utterly insane, and should be in a mental institution. I kept wondering how my parents haven't taken note of this and acted on it. I have to mention here that I'm currently living in the same house as my father, even though I have a whole floor for myself and pay for my own keep; this is important because I kept getting imagery of me being a big goddamn baby who refuses to grow up and sever his ties to his parents and be a man who can care for himself and those around him. At first I hated and rejected the idea, as I found this to be a caricature of myself, but in the end I knew it to be true and had to accept it. But what now? What can I do? I'm lost in life. I've lost connection to my friends, and wonder if I ever had a connection in the first place. I have no love. And soon, I will have no job.
Now, miraculously, when I accepted my naked, raw self ephenidine took and held my hand. "Nothing can be done in an instant". "Things take time". "Trust yourself". "Remember, all is not lost, you have a dream". Yes, I had a dream. I've long wanted to be a psychologist. Until now, I've not really known why, though, neither I have known why is that important to me. In fact I've lost confidence in myself and wondered if I'm ever going to make it or if I'm even brave enough to take a shot. But like a bolt of lightning from the sky, the resolve came to me:
I've always been a lonely person all through my childhood and adulthood. I never knew how to truly connect with anyone, until very recently thanks to psychedelics (ironically then psychedelics took all that away, and hopefully now gave it back). This has caused me much sorrow and immeasurable amounts of pain, for decades. And because of this,
I realized I must do all I can so nobody has to be alone, help people connect with themselves and others, and heal suffering in this world.
I must do all I can so nobody has to be alone.
I must do all I can so nobody has to be alone.
I must do all I can so nobody has to be alone.
You possibly cannot imagine how powerful those words were to me. They kept repeating in my head and I repeated them to myself aloud and broke down in tears. They were tears of bliss. I felt like a thousand locks were opened and a metric ton of chains were released from my shoulders. I had a vision behind my eyelids of a circular arena, in the center what could only be called as "god". I realized that this is the ultimate answer. This my true calling. I felt as if I was weightless, all anxiety was lifted and gone. Hell, I didn't even care for my broken feelings for my ex anymore, even though she's still important and I must do whatever I can to shield her, and others, from loneliness. And so, there is much work to be done. I'm 30 years old soon, and it's not too late to learn.
The feeling I got from all that was nothing short of beautiful. I felt connected to everything and everyone. I was grateful for my parents, my brother, for having an opportunity to feel such deep emotions with my ex, for having shelter, for having food, for everything. As to be expected, nothing lasts forever, and at about 01:00 I was back to seeing minor visual hallucinations and was looking forward to sleep. Sleep did not come, however, and I wanted to ride it out as to not to diminish the experience and defile my body with more medicine (although ephenidine itself is synthetic as well so what the hell). I did not end up sleeping at all, and tried not to get irritated by it and rather be grateful. I did feel my blood pressure rise at about 5:30 while I was laying down which stressed me out quite a bit. It's 14:10 right now as I'm typing this thing down and I'm feeling fine, have a nice day and thanks for reading
I'm so proud. Also look at this:![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I'll google a little more, but I'll be back with the time line of effects I'm going to write down as preparation for my first report in quite some time :D I'll make one for fluor-ketamine too; since it's uncommon and I'm pretty sure I've done some of the highest doses and largest amounts in a single sitting any person ever did by now (more then 2 grams in an evening; cross tolerance, which also led to high doses, I would've done more if we had more)
