Empty. Broken. Unhappy. No joy in ANYTHING. Is this worth it? Kicking opiates.

[Dil4]

Hi.

I've been trying to kick my opiate habit for a long time. A year ago I think was my first real attempt and went through nearly a week of withdrawal before snagging another prescription.

Since then, well, you all know how it goes. I keep saying I want to get better. I want it to end. I want to stop lying to my wife, my friends, my family about every damn thing in attempt to conceal my addiction or get drugs when my script is out. I have a reasonable life that I've maintained two years into this habit. I know I'm going to lose it, or some of it, probably soon if I keep this up.

So here we are today. For the n'th time I've made it through acute withdrawal. But life sucks. I get no joy in anything. Nothing brings me pleasure. I hate literally every day of being alive this way. I can't think about anything but crushing up those beads in the capsule and hitting a line, cutting that Duragesic patch and putting it in my mouth, all my usual using locations. Does this EVER go away? If I have to live like this then F it, I'd rather use and die happy than do this forever.

Gah. I'm saying terrible things. I just don't know how to make this work. Can anyone who's made it... Anyone who's clean and HAPPY... how and when did you start experiencing joy and happiness in life again?

Thanks for the support. I just need an outlet because I don't have one in my life. And I can't do this alone anymore. I need help.

Hydromorphone 500+ mg/day. Fentanyl 5-10 100mcg patches/day. And it's literally all I can think about lying here, wondering what can make me happy again, beside my wife who is pregnant with our first child.

Peace and love.

D.

Update: 12 days now. Each day goes incredibly slow so it feels like it's been longer. Had to flush a whole pile of pills down the toilet today to kill the thought of using my cravings were so bad. Still wish I could be happy or find joy in anything. Or simply be able to laugh or smile without it being forced. Hurting bad. These mental issues are almost worse than the physical acute withdrawal symptoms.

 

[ecate89]

hi Dil...of course life sucks at the moment!
you have been using a substance that replaced your endorphines, right now you probably don't have any on your own.
No endorphines, no pleasure...you need to be patient and consider that your body need to reach its natural balance again.
Moreover, your brain has partly changed. The only pleasure it knows derives from opiates, everything else is not enough
compared to those sensations.

You just need time, if you do stop your using keep thinking that every day approaches you to a better living.
I don't know how much it will take, but I can report you my experience.

I used every kind of opiates for some years, sometimes daily sometimes not.
After a rough period I was desperate and sick, I wanted to stop but didn't feel any energy to do it.
I kept using, while my family and my boyfriend grew more and more worried.
I ended up in a rehab, but I ran away after 5 weeks. I was depressed, felt a sense of complete non sense in everything, but I wasn't given any medication.
I had lastly used two days before entering the rehab, and I had to make it cold turkey.

I went at my boyfriend's, talked with him and decided to go to a psychologist to get the necessary help.
That's what I've done, and it was successful. There are some things that you can't face on your own, not even realise them.
It's been almost an year now since I began seeing him.
During this year I use very occasionally, which was an improvement, and finally I also stopped thinking about it for about 3 months.

I focused on my life, I did things, I made efforts to occupy my time differently. It was working, I had pleasant moments and changed my priorities.
My relations got better and better, I raised my self esteem a lot, I even forgot about my terrible anxiety. I felt good!
Of course there were some moments when I was thinking about drugs, heroin in particular, but they were weak and temporary.
I still felt a bit bored and depressed, but it was gradually fading away.

Then a bad thing happened and I wasn't still strong enough to tackle it.
I resisted for a week, then surrendered. I almost ODed for the first time, but it was only one evening...three days have passed and I haven't continued.
I felt horrible, but it's nothing terrible after all. I was suffering and my mind went to the best relief it knows.
Now I feel nervous and restless, I feel like using again, but I'm not going to do it cause I know it's just an after effect that will disappear soon.

To answer your question, after 3 months I was feeling better, even if not great. I guess that if this difficult period hadn't come, I'd be even better by now.
Try and understand how people around you can feel about your use, look at yourself from an external point of view...imagine how it would feel if your wife was using, harming herself, telling you lies...and you can't do anything for her. Well, that's how she's feeling right now.

 

[Dil4]

Thanks for the suggestions and insight as to when I'll start feeling better about things.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've gone through. Stay strong and don't use. You can do this. We can do this. We all in this together.

We'll make it out.

Keep me posted on how you're doing.

-D

 

[ecate89]

Thanks for the suggestions and insight as to when I'll start feeling better about things.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've gone through. Stay strong and don't use. You can do this. We can do this. We all in this together.

We'll make it out.

Keep me posted on how you're doing.

 

[bakeryrogercow]

Hi there. Wellbutrin really helped me for the anhedonia I experienced after opiate withdrawal. Do not discount psych meds, a psychiatrist and a psychologist. You need all the help you can get and there is nothing wrong with this route at all!

 

[Dil4]

Had a rough night last night but after a little sleep this morning felt better. Cravings were really bad.

Day 14.

 

[Imtryin]

Hey dil
im glad you didn't use. Are you eating ok? Excercise?
How is your wife feeling, btw?
Im thinking about you, Dil. Hope your day keeps getting better
BTW-I'm in southwestern, you too?

 

[Dil4]

Hey dil
im glad you didn't use. Are you eating ok? Excercise?
How is your wife feeling, btw?
Im thinking about you, Dil. Hope your day keeps getting better
BTW-I'm in southwestern, you too?

Thanks for the kind words, imtryin.

I'm eating, not as much as I should be but better than before. Yes I've been doing light jogging, maybe 1-2km per day, which as little as it is feels like ten miles at times, but it helps.

My wife is well. I truly believe that I couldn't have picked a better time to kick. She's early in her pregnancy but by the time our baby is born this life will be long behind me. She knew I took meds, for pain, never knew how badly I abused them. I haven't been totally honest about that part yet which is extremely hard. Breaking the time release for an instant high, etc. I simply told her I wanted these drugs out of our house before our baby comes. Which is true. I'm still torn and it makes me sound like a pathetic loser I love her to death and I know she would support me no matter what I just can't take to see the look on her face when she finds out what I've been doing while she's asleep, while I'm at work, etc. It breaks my heart. I had just lost control. Epitome of addiction, right? Gugh. I hate that part the most about myself.

Thanks for checking in. The kindest of words from strangers can make a word of difference as I've said before. How's hubby - Superman, if I recall?

Also, I'm in SW ON as well yes. Like what, 97% of our great nation? Haha...

Have a wonderful day, imtryin, and all my best to you and your family in your continued recovery as well.

We're all in this together.

-D

 

[Imtryin]

You sound like you are in good spirits, hopefully tonight ends up much better than last night.
As far as telling your wife, OMG, I'm the queen of loser when it comes to that. I truly almost never lie to my husband, but as far as the addiction goes, ive been lying by omission. He has never asked me and I have never told him. I know that he wouldn't leave me, but he will be so disappointed in me, And I'm still not ready for that. My hope is to get 6 months clean and tell him then. I am well aware that this is not ideal and wrong and awful. But it's my reality and it's all I can do right now.
Im sure that everyone will tell you to tell her, that honesty is the best thing-but I'd be a real hypocrite to tell you that, so I won't.

You had said you were abusing your meds ( like me)-now that you aren't using-are you still taking your meds as prescribed? Or did you not get a new script? I ended up not refilling my script when I stopped the first time ( end of May). I was wondering if you did the same thing, or if you were able to control what you took and took the prescribed amount.

Are you a hockey fan?

 

[Dil4]

You sound like you are in good spirits, hopefully tonight ends up much better than last night.
As far as telling your wife, OMG, I'm the queen of loser when it comes to that. I truly almost never lie to my husband, but as far as the addiction goes, ive been lying by omission. He has never asked me and I have never told him. I know that he wouldn't leave me, but he will be so disappointed in me, And I'm still not ready for that. My hope is to get 6 months clean and tell him then. I am well aware that this is not ideal and wrong and awful. But it's my reality and it's all I can do right now.
Im sure that everyone will tell you to tell her, that honesty is the best thing-but I'd be a real hypocrite to tell you that, so I won't.

You had said you were abusing your meds ( like me)-now that you aren't using-are you still taking your meds as prescribed? Or did you not get a new script? I ended up not refilling my script when I stopped the first time ( end of May). I was wondering if you did the same thing, or if you were able to control what you took and took the prescribed amount.

Are you a hockey fan?

I don't trust myself to take them as prescribed because I had totally lost control of my ability to use them properly without escalating the dose or crushing to break time release. I am worried about what I'll do next month when my new script is ready. If I make it I'll be at around 40 days by the time that comes.

Also, of course I'm a hockey fan! How could I call myself Canadian and not be? Haha, Go Leafs Go... Someday!