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August Getting/Staying Sober/Clean Thread v. Peace and Love

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I still have using dreams, almost nightly

I want to talk about it so please, do not read this, if you will be easily triggered...

NSFW:


I normally dream about some weird dreamscape where I am in a familiar collective place, in some weird time which does not coincide with reality, and I am busy avoiding people who are trying to hurt me, or I am out trying to hurt people for some objective I cannot entirely remember... but then there are scenes of this intrepid movie which involve me shooting up....

OH THE AGONY

I wake up disgusted with myself, with this waste of life.... waste of mind. I conditioned my mind to the most menial, stupid task... and it reinforced all my actions for years...

Now I'm rededicating my mind to greatness, but I still cannot forgive myself

footnote: oddly, in the using dreams I am shooting up methamphetamine, though opiates were the worst addiction for me.... I guess methamphetamine has psychologically compromised my mind and I ought to self-destruct....


I pray someone may connect with me...

and lots of <3 to everyone who already has connected with me and shared that they have using dreams <3 <3
 
in

1 year 2 months 26 days clean

Capt - I had using dreams for quite some time. I also used to almost always walk around my dreams with a bottle in my hand (using or not using dream). I haven't had one in a few months now that I think about it, but I will have periods of dreams where all I dream about is some person or event. Its weird
 
Hey guys it's been a while I joined to the carnival in June and haven't had much time to get online but good news as of a couple days ago I'm 30 days off opiates!
There isn't really much access to it as I haven't really been looking but it's good because I had to get away. I don't want to go home it's going to kill me. it's crazy how much money I actually have now that I'm not spending it on that crap. Hope to be able to post more as I haven't had much internet access lately.

Have a great day everybody stay clean and stay safe! :)
 
Papaverium said:
Hey guys it's been a while I joined to the carnival in June and haven't had much time to get online but good news as of a couple days ago I'm 30 days off opiates!
There isn't really much access to it as I haven't really been looking but it's good because I had to get away. I don't want to go home it's going to kill me. it's crazy how much money I actually have now that I'm not spending it on that crap. Hope to be able to post more as I haven't had much internet access lately.

Have a great day everybody stay clean and stay safe! :)
Click to expand...

congrats on your 30 days :D that's amazing progress :)

9 months, 8 days and counting %)
 
I have a good feeling about August.
Glad to see you again papa good to know you are doing well.
 
Amazingly, I haven't smoked any marijuana for several weeks, and I feel fine. Further, I've been unusually successful at moderating my psychedelic use. I did have a spell where I carefully, but at great risk (hence my caution) enjoyed some stimulants, but for all of the above, I'm comfortable and capable of going without. For me, this is happily adequate.

I'm happy to see many of you are still persistently and successfully achieving your goals, and while others may have stumbled along the way, I'm glad that almost all have got back on their desired path. And I pray, right now, that we all achieve our goals.
 
I won't even bore you all with my pathetic day count. I wish I could be 9months, Captain. You inspire me to try harder. I just can't kick the empty, unhappy feeling. All the time. Every day sucks total ass.

Ten days. Hydromorphone (hundreds of mg per day) and fentanyl.
 
Dil4 said:
I won't even bore you all with my pathetic day count. I wish I could be 9months, Captain. You inspire me to try harder. I just can't kick the empty, unhappy feeling. All the time. Every day sucks total ass.

Ten days. Hydromorphone (hundreds of mg per day) and fentanyl.
Click to expand...

stay strong!!!

10 days off those dosages is AMAZING!! <3
 
Dil4 said:
I won't even bore you all with my pathetic day count. I wish I could be 9months, Captain. You inspire me to try harder. I just can't kick the empty, unhappy feeling. All the time. Every day sucks total ass.

Ten days. Hydromorphone (hundreds of mg per day) and fentanyl.
Click to expand...

Whether you are one day clean or years and years is somewhat irrelevant, it means nothing in the grand scheme of things! Congratulations.
 
Hey cat long time no see how you doing?
Dil4 I felt the same way when I checked into the February thread. I was like Fuck how I am never going to get a few months like captain and a few others in the thread.
Here I am tho 6 months later and haven't touch any opiates including subs or methadone nothing and no Benzo.
I'm not going to say it was easy I had some ruff moments when I wanted to just give up but I didn't and I am very proud of myself.
It took me ten years to get to this point I can't believe sometimes that I wasted ten years of my life I am.turning 30 soon and keep wondering how fast the last ten years passed.
I personally had to loose everything to get clean I mean not one friend or family member told me happy birthday last year that really killed me.
I had no where to stay no-one wanted me around it was so sad to me I checked into detox for a few days and bin clean ever since.
All the best to everyone!
 
totach said:
Hey cat long time no see how you doing?
Dil4 I felt the same way when I checked into the February thread. I was like Fuck how I am never going to get a few months like captain and a few others in the thread.
Here I am tho 6 months later and haven't touch any opiates including subs or methadone nothing and no Benzo.
I'm not going to say it was easy I had some ruff moments when I wanted to just give up but I didn't and I am very proud of myself.
It took me ten years to get to this point I can't believe sometimes that I wasted ten years of my life I am.turning 30 soon and keep wondering how fast the last ten years passed.
I personally had to loose everything to get clean I mean not one friend or family member told me happy birthday last year that really killed me.
I had no where to stay no-one wanted me around it was so sad to me I checked into detox for a few days and bin clean ever since.
All the best to everyone!
Click to expand...
totach, I am so happy for you and proud of you. I'm still clean, I think at 12 days now, they all go so fucking slow it's hard to keep track. I just feared the withdrawal so badly that I was literally convinced that if I got through acute WD I'd be home free. But now that it's over and I can function again everything I used to enjoy doing is boring and shitty and I want nothing to do with anything. It makes me crave so hard. I just had to flush a whole script of 120 24mg Hydromorph Contin's and 240 8mg Dilaudid down the shitter to keep from using. I was so close but got a slight mood lift from making that decision... The first momen of self pride I've had in years. The only benefit also is I can have sex again and not have to come up with an excuse for not finishing.

Anyway, thanks for the support and I'm super proud of you. I am inspired by your story. I too went CT with no supplemental meds of any kind other than plain old Tylenol and Advil which I'm convinced only made it worse since I knew they weren't opiates.

All the best. Keep it up. You're shining like a fucking star... And happy belated or upcoming birthday to you, my friend.

- D
 
Hey guys.
Congrats to everyone living out better days. CH-I can't wait for your one year either!!! Totach-way to go on your 6 months. I can see how proud you are and it's awesome. Cat-I love your outlook on clean time and really enjoy reading your posts. Phactor, with over a year now, it is so good to see that your program works for you. Papa-30 days is a miracle. And Dil- 10 days is an even bigger miracle. What you did by flushing that script is powerful. I am proud of you.
Today is day 6 for me. And I'm ashamed to say that I blew what little clean time I put together over the last few months I have been trying. I was doing pretty good until I lost my job. I felt strong. But since i lost my job I've been a mess. Anyway-there is nothing I can do about that. It's done. All I can do now is move on. And stay clean
have a great day everyone!!
 
Hi all,
Good to see everyone here posting. Congrats to Totach, CH, and everyone as they stack up the clean days, one day at a time. I am in a very good place mentally, as I am taking my medication as prescribed, or a bit less than, as I have had to do lifting every single day of this summer, until I left to go on vacation to Ohio, and that is where I am now. Hopefully, my relatives will be moving out into their brand new home late September so that I an go back on my taper. However, it is nice not be constantly beating myself up emotionally for not trying to taper now, and actually helps me manage my prescriptions so responsibly. I am enjoying time with other relatives and making happy memories. Hope all are enjoying the weather wherever they are, and please know you are all very special to me.
 
Imtryin said:
Hey guys.
Congrats to everyone living out better days. CH-I can't wait for your one year either!!! Totach-way to go on your 6 months. I can see how proud you are and it's awesome. Cat-I love your outlook on clean time and really enjoy reading your posts. Phactor, with over a year now, it is so good to see that your program works for you. Papa-30 days is a miracle. And Dil- 10 days is an even bigger miracle. What you did by flushing that script is powerful. I am proud of you.
Today is day 6 for me. And I'm ashamed to say that I blew what little clean time I put together over the last few months I have been trying. I was doing pretty good until I lost my job. I felt strong. But since i lost my job I've been a mess. Anyway-there is nothing I can do about that. It's done. All I can do now is move on. And stay clean
have a great day everyone!!
Click to expand...
Imtryin I read your entire thread and I want you to know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. This is the battle we face as we struggle with an opiate addiction. You have a tremendously positive mind and I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished and I'm certain that this time will be the time. I for one am rooting for you.

And thank you for your incredibly warm words to me. In a struggle when we can't find anything positive about ourselves the smallest gesture even from a stranger can go the longest way and keep us sober. Thank you so much for your kind words. I was struggling really hard today.

Peace and love.

D
 
How is everyone this morning? It's early here, 6:30AM in the eastern time zone, but like most of you I'm sure sleep is hard to come by for me so I watched the sunrise from my balcony today. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. The sun is shining brightly, down on each and every one of us.

Have a wonderful day, everyone. Day 13 here. Feeling positive this morning. For the first time in a very long time.

Peace, love, and opiate/drug free days ahead to all.

<3 Keep on shining bright. Know that you are all loved.

-D
 
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