reoccurring nightmare from the attack

[suzieq70s]

Here it is 4 in the morning. I finally fell asleep at 2 in the morning after battling a terrible migraine all day. I took 3mg of melatonin at 10 pm and one fioricet (50 mg butalbital) at midnight so here it is 4 in the morning and I had another nightmare and now I'll be awake for another 2 hours at least.

A quick background....

1 year and 3 months ago My husband who I finally left after a 20 year long emotionally and mentally abusive marriage put a gun in my face and tried to rape and murder me somehow I survived but only after watching him put that same gun to his head and pull the trigger, killing himself and collapsing on the floor next to me.

Like I said I had another nightmare just a few minutes ago. They are always the same. The backdrop and scenarios might be different but the plot is always the same. My husband is once again alive and hunting me unrelentingly. I come within inches of him killing me but somehow manage to escape. Find a place to hide and think I have gotten away only to be found again and once again I have to fight for my life. The repeating pattern is in rapid succession (if I had to guess) lasting maybe 2 minutes. Over and over again within the same dream. Some dreams I have there are only 5 or so repeats (I escape only to be found and fight for my life) this one tonight included 10 or more repeats. They continue until I awake covered in sweat and terrified.

When I wake (this will make the 5th one in the past year) my bedrooms atmosphere is one of hate anger fear and violence and it will feel that way for a couple of hours at least. I awake knowing exactly where I am so I don't think it's a true flashback. But it is so hard to put into words....every thing I felt the night of the attack is what I feel again after waking from this type of nightmare. But more than that my bedroom holds almost a tangible quality containing those same feelings.

The last nightmare I had pertaining to this was about 8 months ago. I thought and was hoping I was in the clear from the nightmares. I have no idea what triggered it tonight. But I'll tell you one thing....it's gonna fuck with my head for a couple days at least. Did I mention this one was the worst. Extremely graphic and extremely violent.

I don't really have a question but feel free to respond, converse with me about it or ask questions....

 

[JessFR]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Have you talked to a professional about this?

Given what you went through it's fortunate you're not having these nightmares more often. Perhaps the drugs are related to the nightmare, I've had both drugs and drug withdrawal bring up nightmares related and unrelated from traumatic events in my past.

 

[suzieq70s]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Have you talked to a professional about this?

Given what you went through it's fortunate you're not having these nightmares more often. Perhaps the drugs are related to the nightmare, I've had both drugs and drug withdrawal bring up nightmares related and unrelated from traumatic events in my past.

I don't think drugs related to the nightmare. Hell it could be for all I know but it's been about 3 months since I last had a melatonin and I don't take fioricet very often because I don't like how it makes me feel when I take just one 50 mg. I'm not going through any wd right now either

As for seeing a professional I haven't yet. Its only been the past 3 months that I've been considering going. I thought I had been handling things well but nope.

I keep putting it off. Seeing a professional gives me so much anxiety for a few reasons. And I have so much guilt. I have two children. One is grown and the other is still young. But while I didn't pull the trigger I still carry so much guilt from taking their father away from them. He was a good dad just a bad husband.

 

[DixiChik]

Hey Susie...(((HUGS))) to try and comfort you. Please hear me when I say "You DID NOT take their dad away". Your guilt is not justified though no less painful. I am so sorry for what you've been through.

A therapist, couselor or your pastor (whomever you choose) will be able to help you with these waking thoughts and the night terrors. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make the appointment. There's no shame there. They cannot make your memories disappear. They can teach coping skills. You are in dire need of support to get you to a healthy place.

I have never endured the violence you describe from your husband. I was raised in an extremely abusive (not sexual) home. My 5 siblings and I were beaten to blood for sport, it seemed. I still have those nightmares. I also have to face my abuser (89) mom weekly in the nursing home. I oversee her healthcare decisions all alone, because my siblings don't show up. Inner conflict does not begin to describe what I feel.

I've been in therapy for years or I wouldn't be alive. I've also been in physical pain caused by injury and disease for most of my adult life. My pathetically LONG story details the search for pain management. Again, I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[suzieq70s]

Hey Susie...(((HUGS))) to try and comfort you. Please hear me when I say "You DID NOT take their dad away". Your guilt is not justified though no less painful. I am so sorry for what you've been through.

A therapist, couselor or your pastor (whomever you choose) will be able to help you with these waking thoughts and the night terrors. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make the appointment. There's no shame there. They cannot make your memories disappear. They can teach coping skills. You are in dire need of support to get you to a healthy place.

I have never endured the violence you describe from your husband. I was raised in an extremely abusive (not sexual) home. My 5 siblings and I were beaten to blood for sport, it seemed. I still have those nightmares. I also have to face my abuser (89) mom weekly in the nursing home. I oversee her healthcare decisions all alone, because my siblings don't show up. Inner conflict does not begin to describe what I feel.

I've been in therapy for years or I wouldn't be alive. I've also been in physical pain caused by injury and disease for most of my adult life. My pathetically LONG story details the search for pain management. Again, I'm here if you need to talk.

Thank you for your reply. (((Hugs))) to you too. I want so much too make that appointment. It's just so hard to make that first step and call. I am scared to death to confront my memories. But that's not what's stopping me. Even though I'm scared I know how beneficial it would be. My anxiety comes from a place of the guilt and fear I feel. That my oldest child will know and either think or actually say how dare you carry on your life when you have destroyed mine. I think more than anything that's what's stopping me from seeing someone. That and other reasons like General anxiety and fear from every thing

 

[DixiChik]

I'm told I'm too graphic and too honest. Granted, I never sugar coat a turd and say it's a truffle.

I speak my truth. It took many years of therapy to reach that courageous place. I often stand there ALONE.

I understand your inner conflict...different, yet the same. It sounds as if your children could/should benefit from therapy as well. You hold the keys to your own prison in your mind. Seek therapy or counsel, wherever you need to. I would start with individual (for yourself) then maybe group (down the road).

Don't allow your past and your fears become a "crutch" that ultimately cripples you. I don't buy into most psycho-babble. It's not a OSFA. We cannot change what is past, but we can learn from it. A therapist will help you to sort out the "loss" from the "lesson".

BTW it was a good 2 years of therapy before I was able to open the REAL me, instead of my "perfect" facade. I remain the Calvary for my parasitic extended family. Beneath my pride and bravado, I secretly think of slaying my trusty white steed and hiding inside its carcass.

 

[herbavore]

Hey Suzie and Dixie, you two are survivors. It is incomprehensible to me sometimes what gets done in the name of "love" and "family". I am sorry for the pain you have both had to endure but I am always struck by your incredible will to go beyond surviving and live with true peace in your hearts.

Suzie, this is early days. Something like that could be expected to set you back in obvious and also subtle ways for a long time. Do get therapy and stick with it (but be sure you trust and connect with the therapist).

 

[suzieq70s]

Thankyou both Dixie and herbavore. That first step is going to be the hardest hurdle. I have other things going on too. I absolutely fear confrontation and anger. My fight or flight response is all flight and no fight. When faced with a confrontation I get nauseous shakey sweaty and my heart begins to race. Its been that way for a long time. Goodness knows I tried for 20 years to make the marriage work. But little by little it slowly destroyed any resolve I had to be strong. I made a promise to myself a couple of days after that night. That I would stand up and fight for myself and what is best for me but it is so Damn hard when you throw in anxiety fear PTSD and all of that stuff but I so desperately want to be happy again and once again look upon the world with love the way I did when I was a child. Damn that first step is gonna be hard :-(

 

[zephyrhigh]

I'm told I'm too graphic and too honest. Granted, I never sugar coat a turd and say it's a truffle.

I speak my truth. It took many years of therapy to reach that courageous place. I often stand there ALONE.

I understand your inner conflict...different, yet the same. It sounds as if your children could/should benefit from therapy as well. You hold the keys to your own prison in your mind. Seek therapy or counsel, wherever you need to. I would start with individual (for yourself) then maybe group (down the road).

Don't allow your past and your fears become a "crutch" that ultimately cripples you. I don't buy into most psycho-babble. It's not a OSFA. We cannot change what is past, but we can learn from it. A therapist will help you to sort out the "loss" from the "lesson".

BTW it was a good 2 years of therapy before I was able to open the REAL me, instead of my "perfect" facade. I remain the Calvary for my parasitic extended family. Beneath my pride and bravado, I secretly think of slaying my trusty white steed and hiding inside its carcass.

this is great advice...

Thankyou both Dixie and herbavore. That first step is going to be the hardest hurdle. I have other things going on too. I absolutely fear confrontation and anger. My fight or flight response is all flight and no fight. When faced with a confrontation I get nauseous shakey sweaty and my heart begins to race. Its been that way for a long time. Goodness knows I tried for 20 years to make the marriage work. But little by little it slowly destroyed any resolve I had to be strong. I made a promise to myself a couple of days after that night. That I would stand up and fight for myself and what is best for me but it is so Damn hard when you throw in anxiety fear PTSD and all of that stuff but I so desperately want to be happy again and once again look upon the world with love the way I did when I was a child. Damn that first step is gonna be hard :-(

The first step is always the hardest physically and scariest mentally.. but once you commit to it the only thing stopping you is you. If u don't initially do it for you do it for your kids.... in the end it'll be worth it.
Also have you tried rearranging your room/house get rid of certain things that reoccurr in your dreams replace them with new comforting things instead this might help a bit.... best of luck...

 

[suzieq70s]

The first step is always the hardest physically and scariest mentally.. but once you commit to it the only thing stopping you is you. If u don't initially do it for you do it for your kids.... in the end it'll be worth it.
Also have you tried rearranging your room/house get rid of certain things that reoccurr in your dreams replace them with new comforting things instead this might help a bit.... best of luck...[/QUOTE]

I don't have anything from my old life except my mom's ashes. One of my mom's necklaces. And I kept a bunch of my younger child's toys. That way he would have something familiar and comforting. I left everything behind. All the photos of my kids all their baby stuff. All of my mom's stuff. Everything is gone. I walked away from a beautiful house let the bank have it. I couldn't afford it anyways. Did I mention I left every thing behind. I couldn't be in the old house without having an anxiety attack. I got what little I could grab and got the fuck out of there. Sorry for rambling as I'm a little "high" right now.

So back to the bedroom the only thing in there from my old life is my mom's necklace.

Sorry back to leaving every thing behind. I moved into my new apartment by myself witb my young child with a broken hand. I moved in one handed because my other hand was in a cast. I put all my furniture together one handed. (I did have my thumb and 3 of my fingers free on the broken hand)

Back to the bedroom situation you mentioned. The only things in my bedroom is a bed a lamp and my mom's necklace hanging from the lamp. And a pile of dirty clothes. Do you think it would be beneficial to try to make my bedroom more inviting and comforting and cozy. I can't think of the right words but hopefully you get the idea of what I'm asking. ,

Again sorry for the rambling and long post. This "high" is making it hard for me to focus and I had a lot I wanted to say.

 

[herbavore]

It would be a great thing for you and your child to make this new apartment a home. Let your kid pick out a color to pain one wall in his or her room. Go to yard sales and second hand stores and see what cool stuff you each can find--make it fun!

I know that you are still in crisis--it is obvious how deeply you are suffering from your traumatic experience. I cannot urge you enough to continue to seek help for that. Your little one needs a healthy parent and trust in his or her life. You have had your own trust shattered and now you have to reconstruct it from the ground up. I feel like I know a little about that from a different trauma in my own life--it's hard, yes, but ultimately it is rewarding because you realize what you are actually capable of--not just surviving but opening up to a much fuller way of living. Show your child that even when life is hardest, trust and beauty and happiness can still be found.One of the most important lessons we parents give to our children is the example of resilience.

 

[suzieq70s]

It would be a great thing for you and your child to make this new apartment a home. Let your kid pick out a color to pain one wall in his or her room. Go to yard sales and second hand stores and see what cool stuff you each can find--make it fun!

I know that you are still in crisis--it is obvious how deeply you are suffering from your traumatic experience. I cannot urge you enough to continue to seek help for that. Your little one needs a healthy parent and trust in his or her life. You have had your own trust shattered and now you have to reconstruct it from the ground up. I feel like I know a little about that from a different trauma in my own life--it's hard, yes, but ultimately it is rewarding because you realize what you are actually capable of--not just surviving but opening up to a much fuller way of living. Show your child that even when life is hardest, trust and beauty and happiness can still be found.One of the most important lessons we parents give to our children is the example of resilience.

Thankyou as always herbavore for your words of wisdom. I have been trying for a year now to make our new place home. It's hard financially but that is an excellent idea to go to second hand stores. And there are times albeit far and few between when I feel like this is home. The two things that make it the hardest is the anxiety and guilt I feel as to how my oldest will feel with me "getting on with my life" he knows what happened and he blames me for his dad's death. My youngest has no idea what happened. He is too young still to understand about suicide although one day he will ask how daddy died and I dread that day so much. Today he asked me if I knew who was a really good man. And I said who is that and he said my dad. I agreed with him. Yes he was. I will not tarnish any memories he has of his dad or talk bad about him to him. He was a good dad.

Anyways....I completely agree that one of the most important lessons we can teach our children is resilience.

It's just so Damn hard to carry on. I know I say that a lot but it's the truth. But yes I will keep trying to get myself to a therapist.

 

[MelaniaD12]

Melatonin will cause nightmares!

 

[MelaniaD12]

Please reach deep inside and find that inner strength to talk woth someone! It's not your fault and I couldn't imagine what you're feeling. And to have 2 boys depend on you so much is scary enough. I couldn't fathom what you're dealing with. I was once in an abusive situation and he told me it had nothing to do with me at all. It was all about the demons he was fighting. Don't take blame for something you have no control over. Stay strong and if you need someone to talk to message me! You've got supporters!

 

[suzieq70s]

Please reach deep inside and find that inner strength to talk woth someone! It's not your fault and I couldn't imagine what you're feeling. And to have 2 boys depend on you so much is scary enough. I couldn't fathom what you're dealing with. I was once in an abusive situation and he told me it had nothing to do with me at all. It was all about the demons he was fighting. Don't take blame for something you have no control over. Stay strong and if you need someone to talk to message me! You've got supporters!

Thankyou so much to you too. It is crazy how much emotional and metal issues can have such a big impact on how you feel physically and the quality of your life and yes my boys lives. My oldest doesn't live with us. He's out on his own but yes especially my youngest I can see how it effects him too. And no I will never stop trying to improve myself and to find a therapist to see. Its crazy how the guilt and anxiety affects that so much and just my life in general

 

[suzieq70s]

I know this is an old thread but I was re-reading it just now and I wanted to post a quick update for anyone interested

The past 3 weeks have been really rough. Not necessarily from issues from the night of the attack but maybe in a roundabout way. Just too many life problem. Lots of car problems financial problems man trouble and so on......

But the could news is I have now been to a therapist twice and will be having weekly appointments for a while. My therapist seems to be really good. We seem to have the connection. They raised my Zoloft and put me on trazodone for sleep. Neither one are working worth a Damn. I do realize that Zoloft takes a while to kick in. And I do realize it's trial and error till we find out what works for me.

It has been really stressful and anxiety inducing to go through this therapy so that part sucks but it also makes me so happy and I am so excited to finally be working on myself. So there is definitely some good news in all this ☺

 

[suzieq70s]

Hey suzie, im really sorry about the struggles you are going through. It will get better, it just takes some hard (really hard ) work. I was seeing a counselor for some of my problems, similar to yours, just not from my husband From my brother, mom and dad. There were times I just couldn't talk about some things, so weird dreams starting happening.
I was molested as a child (sorry for TMI) and after seeing my counselor for a couple weeks and him trying to pry the experience out of me i started having a dream, almost every night for a couple of weeks:

theres a little girl in a bathtub, and i say "it's ok hunnie, it's over now, he cant hurt you". So I begin to wash her and i see blood and think, "oh no, he's doing it again, I can't protect her. " it's very very very mild compared to your dream, but i know what it's like to have a dream completely mess with your head. I felt better once my counselor told me what it meant and they dissappeared once i opened up about my experience to him, and he helped me cope.

Im wondering if your still taking the melatonin. My counselor advised me to take some because he thinks I have a sleep disorder (i should also be tested, but probably wont go). Well, melatonin gave me crazy nightmares, as did valerian root. Also, while on melatonin it is the only time i experienced sleep paralysis. I see an above poster did mention about the melatonin, but it is something to think about, perhaps?

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for all of your struggles too.

I took melatonin for about a month a couple months ago and stopped because I felt so groggy the next day. They gave me crazy dreams almost every time. Some nightmares some not

I have had sleep paralysis about twice a year for the past 20 years long before I ever touched melatonin. During 90% of that time I was free of any drugs prescribed or otherwise. Sleep paralysis really is a weird thing and in its own league from anything else in my opinion