camjua
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2014
- Messages
- 278
I am going to attempt to keep this short and sweet.
My current drug use: I smoke weed daily, I take any non stimulant "numbing" agents I can find as frequently as I can (maybe once or twice a week I can find the means to take other drugs besides weed (usually Lorazepam, hydrocodone, or kratom).. My DOC is IV meth, but I'm currently sober from meth for 2 weeks..
So far, my lifestyle is as follows: I go to a program Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 12:30PM-3:15PM which is a dual diagnosis treatment center for people suffering from mental illness, addiction or both. Besides that I run around with friends, smoking weed whenever I get the chance and attempting to numb out whenever I can on other drugs... since marijuana lately has been triggering very bad anxiety and paranoia for me... often times resulting in me feeling desperate to "numb" the anxiety caused by the weed (The anxiety is usually surrounding people judging me, feel awkward/annoying or appearing "odd" or weird, police, people "plotting against me" etc.
Meth was my big problem drug, I started using it around 6 months ago (I think).. my memory is awful these days... and since I've had many relapses... The last 2 times I relapsed.. I only used it for one day, only smoked it... but both times I smoked so much with nearly a month of sobriety under my belt both times... that my tolerance was really low and I got a lot of gnarly cardiac symptoms (Chest pain, numbing in left arm, anxiety, etc.)...
My main question is, I'm stuck in this cycle... where I hate being "sober"... because the depression and anxiety are so intense, that I feel suicidal just to end the agony... so I smoke weed... which amplifies the anxiety... yet it somehow... for some reason in my mind appears to be "worth it" because at least it "isn't sober"... even though too my psychosis not only intensifies while stoned... but I get a lot of other weird "quirks" and such when I'm stoned..
I'm becoming far more isolated than ever before in life. I'm 26, my birthday was this last weekend, and at my own party.. I sat alone most of the night... unable to keep a conversation with people... feeling awkward.. socially anxious, etc. My depression is becoming so out of control that I constantly contemplate suicide.. I feel like no one in my family or friends' understands at all where I'm at in life.. I don't enjoy anything anymore except food (which I'm gaining weight like crazy... which I used meth for the weight loss (as well as bulimia), sex (which I'm promiscuous, even 10x worse on meth), and drugs... because it gives me even some relief from the crippling anxiety and depression..
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, why not suicide? I see shit that isn't there all the time, I have hardly any friends left.. and the friends I do have left I cannot connect with or feel "myself" around, my relationship with my family is... well .. they don't like me.. and I don't like them... I live at home with my mom, I'm in debt by thousands of dollars, I have no energy to do anything.. but sleep, eat, and do more drugs... I feel like shit 24/7, I lost my ex fiance, all I think about and want in life.. is sex, meth and to do nothing. I feel like I have no reason to live, all I do is burden my family and friends.. and at this point medications haven't helped (I've tried most), therapy doesn't help because I have 0 will to live or do anything... I just feel completely unable to function as a human being in society anymore. Since meth I feel like my social skills disappeared.. and I come off as an awkward... tweaker.. I also have never fit in really well.. and now I fit in even less.. most people I talk to hate drugs or don't find them interesting.. yet they're all I wanna talk about.. but even then most people I talk to have no idea what they're talking about (They tell stories like how molly burns holes in your brain... or how they got weed laced with pcp((when they are clearly just explaining being too high and anxious)).. or how they smoke "cocaine on weed" or how their "molly was cut with heroin... or how they had "ecstasy pills that were cut with cocaine".. etc.
Also when stoned I kinda go on "autopilot" where I just focus on the moment so much that I neglect putting out job apps, neglect watching my diet, paying bills, doing anything productive... I also leave shit places, blow off very important events in life, etc.. I feel like my life is on hold while continuing to smoke weed.. like when stoned "feeling good" is more important than anything else... so even if I have bills to pay or stuff to do... I'll blow it off, smoke more weed and turn on netflix.. or go to a friend's house who I don't like.. just so I can smoke weed while laying in a bed (since I cannot smoke weed at home with ease since my family see weed as no different than meth)... so I end up chilling with some dumb asshole that I don't like that makes me uncomfortable.. just so I can at least smoke my weed in relative peace...
Sorry for ranting. Is there any hope? What I need is someone to just say something ... anything.. that makes it feel worth continuing fighting on. Because I feel very hopeless. My life on meth was chaos and I fucked up my life pretty bad, now my memory and brain is so fucked I feel like being a functioning adult will be a constant miserable battle I'd rather just check out of.
Also is it normal to feel so fucking insufferably lazy after quitting drugs? I mean.. getting out of bed in the morning is only possible with the motivation of "I have to go outside to smoke weed or find somewhere to smoke" ... ughhh~
My current drug use: I smoke weed daily, I take any non stimulant "numbing" agents I can find as frequently as I can (maybe once or twice a week I can find the means to take other drugs besides weed (usually Lorazepam, hydrocodone, or kratom).. My DOC is IV meth, but I'm currently sober from meth for 2 weeks..
So far, my lifestyle is as follows: I go to a program Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 12:30PM-3:15PM which is a dual diagnosis treatment center for people suffering from mental illness, addiction or both. Besides that I run around with friends, smoking weed whenever I get the chance and attempting to numb out whenever I can on other drugs... since marijuana lately has been triggering very bad anxiety and paranoia for me... often times resulting in me feeling desperate to "numb" the anxiety caused by the weed (The anxiety is usually surrounding people judging me, feel awkward/annoying or appearing "odd" or weird, police, people "plotting against me" etc.
Meth was my big problem drug, I started using it around 6 months ago (I think).. my memory is awful these days... and since I've had many relapses... The last 2 times I relapsed.. I only used it for one day, only smoked it... but both times I smoked so much with nearly a month of sobriety under my belt both times... that my tolerance was really low and I got a lot of gnarly cardiac symptoms (Chest pain, numbing in left arm, anxiety, etc.)...
My main question is, I'm stuck in this cycle... where I hate being "sober"... because the depression and anxiety are so intense, that I feel suicidal just to end the agony... so I smoke weed... which amplifies the anxiety... yet it somehow... for some reason in my mind appears to be "worth it" because at least it "isn't sober"... even though too my psychosis not only intensifies while stoned... but I get a lot of other weird "quirks" and such when I'm stoned..
I'm becoming far more isolated than ever before in life. I'm 26, my birthday was this last weekend, and at my own party.. I sat alone most of the night... unable to keep a conversation with people... feeling awkward.. socially anxious, etc. My depression is becoming so out of control that I constantly contemplate suicide.. I feel like no one in my family or friends' understands at all where I'm at in life.. I don't enjoy anything anymore except food (which I'm gaining weight like crazy... which I used meth for the weight loss (as well as bulimia), sex (which I'm promiscuous, even 10x worse on meth), and drugs... because it gives me even some relief from the crippling anxiety and depression..
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, why not suicide? I see shit that isn't there all the time, I have hardly any friends left.. and the friends I do have left I cannot connect with or feel "myself" around, my relationship with my family is... well .. they don't like me.. and I don't like them... I live at home with my mom, I'm in debt by thousands of dollars, I have no energy to do anything.. but sleep, eat, and do more drugs... I feel like shit 24/7, I lost my ex fiance, all I think about and want in life.. is sex, meth and to do nothing. I feel like I have no reason to live, all I do is burden my family and friends.. and at this point medications haven't helped (I've tried most), therapy doesn't help because I have 0 will to live or do anything... I just feel completely unable to function as a human being in society anymore. Since meth I feel like my social skills disappeared.. and I come off as an awkward... tweaker.. I also have never fit in really well.. and now I fit in even less.. most people I talk to hate drugs or don't find them interesting.. yet they're all I wanna talk about.. but even then most people I talk to have no idea what they're talking about (They tell stories like how molly burns holes in your brain... or how they got weed laced with pcp((when they are clearly just explaining being too high and anxious)).. or how they smoke "cocaine on weed" or how their "molly was cut with heroin... or how they had "ecstasy pills that were cut with cocaine".. etc.
Also when stoned I kinda go on "autopilot" where I just focus on the moment so much that I neglect putting out job apps, neglect watching my diet, paying bills, doing anything productive... I also leave shit places, blow off very important events in life, etc.. I feel like my life is on hold while continuing to smoke weed.. like when stoned "feeling good" is more important than anything else... so even if I have bills to pay or stuff to do... I'll blow it off, smoke more weed and turn on netflix.. or go to a friend's house who I don't like.. just so I can smoke weed while laying in a bed (since I cannot smoke weed at home with ease since my family see weed as no different than meth)... so I end up chilling with some dumb asshole that I don't like that makes me uncomfortable.. just so I can at least smoke my weed in relative peace...
Sorry for ranting. Is there any hope? What I need is someone to just say something ... anything.. that makes it feel worth continuing fighting on. Because I feel very hopeless. My life on meth was chaos and I fucked up my life pretty bad, now my memory and brain is so fucked I feel like being a functioning adult will be a constant miserable battle I'd rather just check out of.
Also is it normal to feel so fucking insufferably lazy after quitting drugs? I mean.. getting out of bed in the morning is only possible with the motivation of "I have to go outside to smoke weed or find somewhere to smoke" ... ughhh~
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