Need advice~ (Meth recovery) Suicide?

[camjua]

I am going to attempt to keep this short and sweet.

My current drug use: I smoke weed daily, I take any non stimulant "numbing" agents I can find as frequently as I can (maybe once or twice a week I can find the means to take other drugs besides weed (usually Lorazepam, hydrocodone, or kratom).. My DOC is IV meth, but I'm currently sober from meth for 2 weeks..

So far, my lifestyle is as follows: I go to a program Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 12:30PM-3:15PM which is a dual diagnosis treatment center for people suffering from mental illness, addiction or both. Besides that I run around with friends, smoking weed whenever I get the chance and attempting to numb out whenever I can on other drugs... since marijuana lately has been triggering very bad anxiety and paranoia for me... often times resulting in me feeling desperate to "numb" the anxiety caused by the weed (The anxiety is usually surrounding people judging me, feel awkward/annoying or appearing "odd" or weird, police, people "plotting against me" etc.

Meth was my big problem drug, I started using it around 6 months ago (I think).. my memory is awful these days... and since I've had many relapses... The last 2 times I relapsed.. I only used it for one day, only smoked it... but both times I smoked so much with nearly a month of sobriety under my belt both times... that my tolerance was really low and I got a lot of gnarly cardiac symptoms (Chest pain, numbing in left arm, anxiety, etc.)...

My main question is, I'm stuck in this cycle... where I hate being "sober"... because the depression and anxiety are so intense, that I feel suicidal just to end the agony... so I smoke weed... which amplifies the anxiety... yet it somehow... for some reason in my mind appears to be "worth it" because at least it "isn't sober"... even though too my psychosis not only intensifies while stoned... but I get a lot of other weird "quirks" and such when I'm stoned..

I'm becoming far more isolated than ever before in life. I'm 26, my birthday was this last weekend, and at my own party.. I sat alone most of the night... unable to keep a conversation with people... feeling awkward.. socially anxious, etc. My depression is becoming so out of control that I constantly contemplate suicide.. I feel like no one in my family or friends' understands at all where I'm at in life.. I don't enjoy anything anymore except food (which I'm gaining weight like crazy... which I used meth for the weight loss (as well as bulimia), sex (which I'm promiscuous, even 10x worse on meth), and drugs... because it gives me even some relief from the crippling anxiety and depression..

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, why not suicide? I see shit that isn't there all the time, I have hardly any friends left.. and the friends I do have left I cannot connect with or feel "myself" around, my relationship with my family is... well .. they don't like me.. and I don't like them... I live at home with my mom, I'm in debt by thousands of dollars, I have no energy to do anything.. but sleep, eat, and do more drugs... I feel like shit 24/7, I lost my ex fiance, all I think about and want in life.. is sex, meth and to do nothing. I feel like I have no reason to live, all I do is burden my family and friends.. and at this point medications haven't helped (I've tried most), therapy doesn't help because I have 0 will to live or do anything... I just feel completely unable to function as a human being in society anymore. Since meth I feel like my social skills disappeared.. and I come off as an awkward... tweaker.. I also have never fit in really well.. and now I fit in even less.. most people I talk to hate drugs or don't find them interesting.. yet they're all I wanna talk about.. but even then most people I talk to have no idea what they're talking about (They tell stories like how molly burns holes in your brain... or how they got weed laced with pcp((when they are clearly just explaining being too high and anxious)).. or how they smoke "cocaine on weed" or how their "molly was cut with heroin... or how they had "ecstasy pills that were cut with cocaine".. etc.

Also when stoned I kinda go on "autopilot" where I just focus on the moment so much that I neglect putting out job apps, neglect watching my diet, paying bills, doing anything productive... I also leave shit places, blow off very important events in life, etc.. I feel like my life is on hold while continuing to smoke weed.. like when stoned "feeling good" is more important than anything else... so even if I have bills to pay or stuff to do... I'll blow it off, smoke more weed and turn on netflix.. or go to a friend's house who I don't like.. just so I can smoke weed while laying in a bed (since I cannot smoke weed at home with ease since my family see weed as no different than meth)... so I end up chilling with some dumb asshole that I don't like that makes me uncomfortable.. just so I can at least smoke my weed in relative peace...

Sorry for ranting. Is there any hope? What I need is someone to just say something ... anything.. that makes it feel worth continuing fighting on. Because I feel very hopeless. My life on meth was chaos and I fucked up my life pretty bad, now my memory and brain is so fucked I feel like being a functioning adult will be a constant miserable battle I'd rather just check out of.

Also is it normal to feel so fucking insufferably lazy after quitting drugs? I mean.. getting out of bed in the morning is only possible with the motivation of "I have to go outside to smoke weed or find somewhere to smoke" ... ughhh~

 

[Morningshot]

I feel exactly the same. Have been on a 1 month meth binge, stopped it 2 months ago.
Im good for nothing, exactly like you dscribed it. Except my situation is worse. I have a family to support and havent had a proper job in a month and half. My savings acc is draining fast. Im fine sitting around at home all day. But the thought of looking for work and go to work is more repelling than ever. Im a self employed contractor where and when i work is up to me.
Im simply considering just going back..

 

[camjua]

I feel exactly the same. Have been on a 1 month meth binge, stopped it 2 months ago.
Im good for nothing, exactly like you dscribed it. Except my situation is worse. I have a family to support and havent had a proper job in a month and half. My savings acc is draining fast. Im fine sitting around at home all day. But the thought of looking for work and go to work is more repelling than ever. Im a self employed contractor where and when i work is up to me.
Im simply considering just going back..

I haven't had a job in over 2 years. I have 0.45 cents in my checking account, 1 dollar in my savings, and have 7,000 dollars in debt. I owe at least 1k to friends and family... honestly I didn't think I'd live through my drug binge... so I borrowed money and used credit cards without thinking twice. I was high and convinced I'd be dead by the time my meth binge was up... I was sorely mistaken. Now I'm trying to remain sober and fix my life... but I buried myself into such a hole i just wanna give up.

 

[realtalkloc]

Camjua, it's been two weeks since you've been clean( I'm proud of you bro, keep it up), give it some more time and you will start getting some energy and brain power back ( the weed won't help this cause). The minute you get some of these things back you will need to get into the gym and start some rigorous exercising, less intensity in the first week but afterwards get into pure beast mode. I promise you that your life will change. Invest 3 weeks into working out and tell me with a straight face that it didn't make a difference in your life, you have nothing to lose. To change life you gotta go hard sometimes, the gym is the best place. It will help restore some of your lost confidence, which will help you in any social setting, it will help rewire the brain, it will give you structure and it will be fun. It will help with the depression as well. After a couple of weeks of this you can start embarking on your other ambitions(work, school, sex). Being broke is not an issue, all you gotta do is find work or enroll in a program(6 month to 1 year or even longer depending on how ambitious you are) that helps you specialize in a craft which promises a steady stream of income in the future. Life is not complicated, sometimes our depression and the resulting obfuscation causes us to lose sight. You gotta work to regain that sight back. And trust me, you have the ability to make it happen, you just gotta make that leap and believe in yourself a little, just a little, just enough....

 

[herbavore]

Camjua, you are actually in the fight of your life right now. So you are definitely not just sitting there doing nothing! Try to focus on staying meth-free and changing the way you think about yourself when you have the negative thoughts. What you have or have not done in the past is irrelevant right now. It makes sense to crave short term relief--we all do it whether it is sugar or meth or gaming or weed. Humans have a hard time with delayed gratification and being uncomfortable, but that is part of life so the sooner you develop a different relationship with that, the better. I think cutting out the weed will really help.

 

[camjua]

Great advice guys, thanks! c: I've been taking remeron too prescribed by a psychiatrist for the depression. What do you guys think? I'm skeptical of taking drugs to fix the damage drugs caused to my brain lol.

I will start exercising.. it's just really hard. I'm literally out of energy 24/7. I feel like it is such a task just to get out of bed.

 

[Mafioso]

Great advice guys, thanks! c: I've been taking remeron too prescribed by a psychiatrist for the depression. What do you guys think? I'm skeptical of taking drugs to fix the damage drugs caused to my brain lol.

I will start exercising.. it's just really hard. I'm literally out of energy 24/7. I feel like it is such a task just to get out of bed.

Camjua, congratulations on beginning the path to recovery. I can not promise you it will be a short, easy, or even at times fun path but I can assure you that if you truly stick with this decision it will be one of the best life changing decisions you made. Instead of allowing your mind to fantasize about how good getting high might feel, try to think about how rewarding and free being sober would be, maybe even remind yourself that with every high there is a bigger low when it comes to drugs.

I would agree with you that it is silly to think that taking a drug will cure damage caused by taking drugs. Please be very careful when/if you decide to stop taking anti-depressants or other rx drugs. I have a brother who tried to kill himself when he quit anti-depressants and used to have a co-worker who was found hanging about 2 weeks after he stopped. If you do decide to stop, which I would recommend that you do, please tell someone who can help if things get worse. Also know that all things pass in time, even emotions will pass.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record but eating healthy and regularly, daily exercise, and good sleep will do wonders for you. The body has an amazing ability to heal and repair itself we just have to give it the right nutrition, rest, and time. I suppose healthy stimulation, like music or good friends(not just drug friends) is essential to healing as well, but something about eating a solid meal after a hard work out is extremely rewarding and relaxing. Also, I know some people say it helps but IME if cannabis is triggering anxiety it is best to stay away. Personally I can relate to the feeling of it leaving you with a craving to get harder drugs... not good.

I read something that said to the effect that we should not rely on motivation to drive us, as motivation is wavering and comes and goes. Instead we should rely on discipline, make a promise to yourself that you will strive to do better and make sure to actually strive.

Don't be afraid to start small. I found that simple physical activities were the best starting out, like household chores or running or lifting weights. Maybe start out on the first day and force yourself to do something like the wash the dishes or do laundry. Anything productive really but keep it simple at first. Over stressing yourself can be very discouraging. Maybe the next day go for a walk. The day after that walk for 1mi or more. The next day jog as long as you can and then walk the rest of the mile. The next day try to job a little bit further, even if it is only 25-50 ft, just try to make an improvement. Don't over do it, just make sure to improve if you can. Continue this until you are running the full mile. I bet within a month you could be running the full mile. Then once you've reached that, try to drop your time.

If you've hit rock bottom at least you know you have a sturdy base to build a strong foundation on.

 

[czarbina]

Try to focus on staying meth-free and changing the way you think about yourself when you have the negative thoughts. What you have or have not done in the past is irrelevant right now. It makes sense to crave short term relief--we all do it whether it is sugar or meth or gaming or weed. Humans have a hard time with delayed gratification and being uncomfortable, but that is part of life so the sooner you develop a different relationship with that, the better. I think cutting out the weed will really help.

There is a tremendous amount of merit to this. I know it will sound impossible or trite, but try to sit in your sobriety for 4-5 days. Whenever you are having these horrible thoughts about worthlessness or suicide, remember that you have put your brain through uppers and downers, stimulants and numbers. Mind altering substances do just that - alter the chemical composition of your brain. If you remind yourself of these things sometimes it helps, as you're telling yourself that this isn't your normal state of mind - it's the after effects of the drugs.

When I've come down from meth (hard) and smoked weed to help - this one of the worst ideas I've ever had. You're already coming down from a high high, and weed can make you feel lethargic and down. I'd stay away...

Uppers affect your heart. Once you back off them, you'll be able to exercise without feeling like you're going to have a heart attack. Yes, it does make you feel better.

Anyways, I'd try to be sober for at least a 4-5 days - closer to a week or two. It will help you reflect as to why you're behaving the way you are and to make different decisions. You're 26 and you have your entire life ahead of you. You can do this!

 

[camjua]

There is a tremendous amount of merit to this. I know it will sound impossible or trite, but try to sit in your sobriety for 4-5 days. Whenever you are having these horrible thoughts about worthlessness or suicide, remember that you have put your brain through uppers and downers, stimulants and numbers. Mind altering substances do just that - alter the chemical composition of your brain. If you remind yourself of these things sometimes it helps, as you're telling yourself that this isn't your normal state of mind - it's the after effects of the drugs.

When I've come down from meth (hard) and smoked weed to help - this one of the worst ideas I've ever had. You're already coming down from a high high, and weed can make you feel lethargic and down. I'd stay away...

Uppers affect your heart. Once you back off them, you'll be able to exercise without feeling like you're going to have a heart attack. Yes, it does make you feel better.

Anyways, I'd try to be sober for at least a 4-5 days - closer to a week or two. It will help you reflect as to why you're behaving the way you are and to make different decisions. You're 26 and you have your entire life ahead of you. You can do this!

Thank you both for you responses and the support c:

I am going to continue smoking weed till my mother comes back from being out of town... as I cannot imagine passing up the freedom to smoke... I really do agree that I think the weed is definitely causing more paranoia, intensifying the hallucinations and just overall making me feel lazy and tired.

I am terrified to start exercising (not sure why) but I plan on starting this next week as well, any advice on healthy activities that aren't super expensive? I'm very broke.

One of the saddest realizations I've had since sobering up is the damage I did to my good friendships was enough to where now I'm truly alone. Not one friend checks up on me, hits me up to hang out etc. I'm almost always alone and often on facebook I'll see pics of my friends hanging out and such, and I wasn't invited. It makes me sooo very depressed~

 

[abbazabbaaa]

I laid in bed for two weeks and barely did anything in that time after I got sober. I had went from living on my own to living with my mother and it was really hard to go through all the things getting sober makes you go through at her house. But I did it. And when I felt ready to exit the cave I went back to doing the things that used to make me happy... Swimming, walking around and taking in the beautiful nature around me (even if it was an oversized puddle and watching the wind blow the leaves in the trees). I went for lots of walks. Spent time with animals. I wrote a lot. I tried to draw haha. I tried not to let my sadness suffocate me and I reminded myself constantly that it takes time, a lot of time, for your mind to heal from that kind of abuse. Be patient. do the simple things that can make you smile. Be patient with yourself. Take it one day at a time and remember there is always better days ahead no matter how dark life may seem currently. Take care, Hun.

 

[ovo1024]

I never thought I'd read someone who feels exactly like I do in life and about life. You should message me?