I've been told I'm a "PollyAnna". I have never been enticed by the drug culture. I was raised in a home where "strict" would have been a gross understatement. I am the youngest of 6 who never tried anything more recreational than a little Jack Daniels in HS and college. None of us ever even smoked a cigarette, much less weed. My pain threshold is a bar set high, I'm certain, by brutal beatings with belts throughout my childhood/teen years. We were beaten harder if we cried out in pain. Sadist parents? Definitely.
I take great personal pride in that we siblings not only survived, but thrived despite the abuse. We are all well-educated professionals who are reasonably successful in our careers, ranging from educators to engineers to architects. Somehow by the grace of God, none of us turned to drugs and alcohol to escape. I think that is a testament.
Psychologically...well, that's a whole "nother" story. I'll just say they dwell in avoidance with family obligations, leaving me STUCK with all things pertaining to my 89 year old mom. She broke her hip and had THR in 2005. They scattered...I placed her in a recently built state of the art nursing home, where she still resides. My mom is the spawn of Satan, so I am on speed dial with the nurses/administrator.
You may ask "Why don't you walk away?" Because I believe regret is the toughest emotion out there. I'd never forgive myself, as I have a heart of mercy.
I cannot "check out" mentally, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I am highly driven by nature (not nurture) and set self-expectations that no human could meet. I have many aging peeps whom I love dearly. I feel responsible to get their shopping done, their beauty appointments and doctors visits. I am the Calvary for my family, friends and neighbors.
I say what I'll do and I'll do what I say. I suffer no idiots with excuses, and I sometimes "poke" bears! I put boots on the ground when most keep butts in the chairs. This has taken a huge toll on me physically and emotionally.
The "aging of a CPP" is SO VERY on point...I've white-knuckled through too much pain for too long. It's either get some help to start LIVING or continue my existence where death would be a welcome break.
Yes, I tried Fentanyl (for pain). The matrix style patch somehow didn't release the medication properly. I got all the horrid SEs with NO pain relief. I'm not looking for a "high"...never have. I'm not looking for "perfect" but "possible". Yes, I have a plethera of separate but equally painful issues, documented over decades of medical records, surgeries and procedures. I have more justification to sip Hemlock than seek more bogus "healthcare".
I insisted my GP perform a genetic test for metabolism of pain meds. It showed that I don't metabolize the codones sufficiently. It suggested possible alternatives as oxymorphone and hydromorphone. Again, Dilaudid puts me face down. I saw my PM on Wednesday. he said "Oh, these results justify increase in shorter dosing intervals of Oxycodone. However, I can only prescribe 90-100 max per month".
Yet another reason I don't want to become dependent on Oxycodone. The pain is still my companion, but I don't feel quite so depressed and unmotivated. I can see where this med could "restore" my energy and desire to live another day. I can also see where it can be the devil himself. If I go back to Hydrocodone, will the sedation lessen with time? Do I stick with the devil I know?
Thanks for reading this verbal vomit.