My secret

[Imtryin]

Hello
today is day 10 clean. I actually considered myself clean on suboxone and would of liked to have stayed on longer than the 3 days I took them. I tried to buy some off the street, but I was not able to find anyone that would sell them to me. Where I live, you can not get a one month script for them. You have to go to the clinic everyday of your dose. It isn't until you have 2 months on the program that thy will give you a take home. And even then it is one day. It is 6 months before you can get one weeks worth and you can never get one months worth. With my new job I knew I wasn't going to be able to make any of this happen, so I knew I had to get off them quick. I'm actually feeling pretty good, except sometimes I have a tough time regulating my body temp. Like right now I'm cold but I'm sweating. Hate that!!! I'm taking a bunch of vitamins. Getting out for a walk every day and just glad I didn't kill myself before.
Ive been thinking about smoking some weed, but it tends to make me stupid so I have to be careful with that too
today im looking forward to the blue jay game and then 2 more sleeps until I start my new job
its going to be a good day
thanks for listening

 

[Imtryin]

By the way-thank you for the kind words. They mean more than you know. There are so many incredible people here. Addicts in my opinion are way better humans than most

 

[Imtryin]

Hello
day 11 is ok. I'm having trouble regulating my body temp. Hot, cold, ok, cold then hot. Very frustrating. I thought I was passed most of the wd's , but I'm not. And I start my new job on Tuesday. I'm really excited about that. Anyone that read my posts from last year knows I am a bit of a workaholic. I really struggle being in my own skin with myself. I have no motivation anywhere but work. Like my house -there is a lot of organizing that could and should be done, but I sit in front of a computer screen instead of just doing it. It sounds so simple, and yet I do nothing. It's a beautiful day and I could garden or sit outside, or go for a walk-but instead, I sit in front of a computer screen. It's just nuts. But when I'm at work, I work. I'm solving problems, driving sales, communicating, and always busy. It's like I'm 2 different people. I'd really like it to get some energy outside of my work.
anyway, right now that is the least of my worries. I need to stay clean and get better-
can I have a proud mama moment? My beautiful 16 year old daughter is a dancer and we just found out that she is going to be on the cover of a dance magazine! Very exciting for her. Even though she's been dancing for 11 years and has won many completions and has travelled a lot-she still has no desire to do it for a living. But in the meantime it should get her a full ride through university and it has kept her out of trouble-thank goodness Anyway, I know that is not really what this place is for-but I'm hanging on goodness in my life-how devastated I was to lose my own mother and how I never want my daughter to feel that. I'm so selfish every time I pop those pills knowing full well that she could find me dead in bed. ThAt could, be my legacy-having my daughter find me dead, and turn into a drug addict in order to handle that kind of crazy. How horrible of a person am I to even consider using again knowing that is a possibility -and we all know it is.
OMG. I'm sorry I got morbid there for a minute. I'm bawling my eyes out just typing this
i can guarantee you I'm not using today. Not today.
Thanks for listening

 

[MisterNotSoClean]

Way to go Imtryin!

I haven't gotten around to reading your whole thread but I'm off work today so I should be able to finish it.

Sounds like youre in a good place and got a lot going for you.

Keep it up Yourdoing!

 

[Jabberwocky]

You are doing great Imtryin! This isn't easy, it is a lot of hard, hard work, but you are meeting it head on. And that is more beautiful than you may know.

Is there anything we can do to help support you through this?

 

[herbavore]

can I have a proud mama moment? My beautiful 16 year old daughter is a dancer and we just found out that she is going to be on the cover of a dance magazine! Very exciting for her. Even though she's been dancing for 11 years and has won many completions and has travelled a lot-she still has no desire to do it for a living. But in the meantime it should get her a full ride through university and it has kept her out of trouble-thank goodness Anyway, I know that is not really what this place is for-but I'm hanging on goodness in my life-how devastated I was to lose my own mother and how I never want my daughter to feel that. I'm so selfish every time I pop those pills knowing full well that she could find me dead in bed. ThAt could, be my legacy-having my daughter find me dead, and turn into a drug addict in order to handle that kind of crazy. How horrible of a person am I to even consider using again knowing that is a possibility -and we all know it is.
OMG. I'm sorry I got morbid there for a minute. I'm bawling my eyes out just typing this
i can guarantee you I'm not using today. Not today.
Thanks for listening

Proud mama moments highly encouraged! What an honor for a 16 year old! Dance is hard work and she (and you) have every reason to feel proud of her accomplishments.

Crying is also good. Let yourself feel the depth of the emotion and let it wash through you naturally. It gave you the motivation and clarity you need for today. Sending you hugs and love.

 

[Imtryin]

Hello
Day 12 was ok. Very busy day-which I find is much better for me than not busy.
I Start my new job tomorrow-I think I'm far enough through my wds that I will be ok.
I hope everyone had a good day
thanks for listening

 

[Jabberwocky]

True, but once your done with the acute withdrawals there is still lots of work left to be done. Please let us know how we can continue to help support you in your recovery.

 

[Imtryin]

Hello
well, I made it to two weeks already
First of all let me tell you that I love my new job and I spent all week training for it and I'm very excited I think it's gonna be a really good thing for me
My body temperature seems to be a little bit better I'm not flipping hot to cold so much but I really don't feel good
And I really wanted to use today
But I didn't. I was just telling a friend that I don't want to die I don't want to kill my liver and I don't want to overdose and most of all I don't want my daughter to find me dead someday. So as much as I was craving and really wanted to use, I decided not to.
I mean I didn't crave physically, I really don't have any physical cravings anymore it is truly psychological. It's amazing how powerful that feeling can be in your head especially when you don't feel hundred percent great-definitely still feeling the effects of my withdrawal
So I'm going to go to bed- and tomorrow I'm going to fight my psychological cravings again and I won't use tomorrow either
I really appreciate all the good things that people say and do on the site I am really grateful
for this site
Thanks for listening

 

[neversickanymore]

Keep rolling it gets better I promise

Your not giving up something great, but rather resisting a drive to certain doom and misery. Don't get played!

 

[MisterNotSoClean]

Keep your head up madam! You got this.

Even though you don't feel 100% now you are closer to being 100% the real you than you know. I think being on opiates just lowers your mental bar so what feels like 100% is actually like 60%. I'm noticing feelings and emotions I haven't felt in a long while. Tis nice!

Glad to hear you are enjoying the new job. Those are always exciting

You got this!

 

[motiv311]

sounds like you got this in the bag, keep up the good work.... BTW , going to a doctor or 12 step meetings is probably NOT going to get you fired.... What kind of company would fire a good employee for trying to get help at an AA meeting or a doctor? Im pretty sure there is some law that protects you anyway..... My company was obligated by law to hold my job for me for 3 months so I could attend rehab... insurance threw my work paid for it.... they happily took my back to my same sales position

 

[VastEmpty]

Even though you don't feel 100% now you are closer to being 100% the real you than you know. I think being on opiates just lowers your mental bar so what feels like 100% is actually like 60%. I'm noticing feelings and emotions I haven't felt in a long while. Tis nice!

Brilliant words from MrClean. I totally agree. I already feel like I'm functioning better than I did on opiates and I'm only at 27 days. I know I have a long way to go, but I also know I'll never get there if I keep taking the opiates, the only way out is through all this bullshit.

I was finally able to finish your thread and it broke my heart when you lost your job. I LOVE my job. Love it. I think it has kept me grounded through my issues with opiates and chronic pain. I have no doubt that without it I would have been worse off over the last decade. I also tend to work a lot more than is probably healthy. I'm so glad you found another job you enjoy!

Keep it up, Imtrying, you are only a few weeks behind me, it gets better and better.

- VE

 

[the last dose]

Keep your head up madam! You got this.

Even though you don't feel 100% now you are closer to being 100% the real you than you know. I think being on opiates just lowers your mental bar so what feels like 100% is actually like 60%. I'm noticing feelings and emotions I haven't felt in a long while. Tis nice!

Glad to hear you are enjoying the new job. Those are always exciting

You got this!

Well said MC and going to work too wow! that gives me hope cause i only have one week vaca to pull this off in anyways awesome imtryin another rock star! you got it now!

 

[KittyPaws]

Hello everyone, and hello Imtryin, I hope you are okay..I've read your entire thread over the last couple of days.. You're truly inspiring. I am on day 5 of complete cold turkey from 3-4 years of slowly increasing dihydrocodeine/codeine habit. I'm an ultra metaboliser of codeine and I remember how two 30/500 co-codamols made me feel .. Then over time i built all the way up to taking 24 X dihydrocodeine 30mgs at a time and could take that up to three times a day, trying to chase the 'good' feeling. For me, it's been very much about the psychological aspect. It was some kind of comfort and I lived for the feeling. I pushed away my 2.5year boyfriend away for good - not by him knowing about the addiction, but because I was a closed off, numb person but also very insecure. So I pushed him away. I am trying antidepressants which I don't think are helping at all with anything. I've had CBT and counselling within the last year which helps somewhat.

Last Thursday I started with a new counsellor who seems really promising and he's the only person I've admitted my habit to. That day I vowed I would stop taking anything as they were no longer serving me, and were beginning to have severe consequences on my health, my sleep, my job.. I've just made it to the beginning of my career.. I'm 23, and In August I qualified as a pharmacist after 5 years of training.. Which does not make me proud of myself, it makes me ashamed of what I (used) to do.

Days 2-4 were disgusting, I tried to sleep through all of it.. Feeling hot and cold and sweats, bathroom issues -threw up once. Even now on day 5 I still feel "fuzzy" and weak. While I was using, I hardly ate because #1 I had no appetite and #2 having an empty stomach made the hit "better". I'm definitely feeling the effects of not nourishing my body properly and not exercising. I'm weak as a kitten and just hoping that every day will get a little bit better. I have no desire to take anything, I just want to feel normal and have energy again. I've realised how I took for granted simple things like just getting up and moving. I'm just so grateful that I don't seem to have had sleep issues, I slept through the worst 2-3 days.

I had last week off work and booked this week off too, and I've been home alone and only been reading this thread and trying to occupy my mind with positivity and taking one moment at a time.

I'm really grateful I found this community, you guys are stars, well done in all your determinations and thank you for inspiring me and creating a safe place I feel like I can turn to.

Stay safe. Thanks for listening to my ramble x

 

[gmlifer]

Is anyone still in contact with imtryin? I've wonder many times how she's doing. Last I heard she had a new job and things were going well. Would love to hear an update.

 

[simco]

Is anyone still in contact with imtryin? I've wonder many times how she's doing. Last I heard she had a new job and things were going well. Would love to hear an update.

I agree...I'd love an update, too. In fact, looking over this thread again, there are quite a few BLers out there I'd love to hear from.

 

[Will0w]

In need of a little sobering and a lot of cleaning up

Wow I am so inspired by everyone on this thread it's so crazy to read the exact withdrawals, emotions, fears that we all face with opiate withdrawal. I have been on this site all week through my withdrawal of heroin iv use. I am day six today. My detoxing tools are limited I started with a few xanax , subs , now I have been using a little meth day 5 and today because I have to work. I bartend so my job is very demanding physically. I took a whole week off but I used the first 3 days so really screwed my schedule up. Also my boyfriend of a year is getting clean too . We have basically locked ourselves in our apartment. Yesterday though for about 12 hours straight he was hallucinating so badly talking to people in our house as if they were eating dinner at our table while we lay on the couch and talking on a cell phone full conversations to know one these sort of things went on for 12 hours straight I had to go to work so I left him at 3pm I came home at 10 and he was better . He didn't know why he was hallucinating so badly. The only thing he had taken was 3mg suboxane and I think lararzapan? I'm not sure but I'm guessing he was holding out on some pills . I'm glad he's better but my motivation now is to just be clean no more clear unless I really need it for energy and I was the suboxane gone I don't know if now that I have ivd subs that I will have more withdrawl from them? Last use suboxane iv 3mg was yesterday before work problem I'm having now is my self medicating is getting so warped I couldn't sleep from the subs at all so I've really only slept maybe 4hrs at a time and truthfully I think only twice have I fallen asleep. With work yesterday I used a couple hits of meth to have energy and I still am awake it is ten am day 6 and I work at 3 . My cocktailing has backfired I will rest until 2 hopefully I can fall asleep . My symptoms however are not as bad as they have been in the past wds. I'm totally afraid to end things with my boyfriend because I think he will use again and his family thinks I'm clean and getting him clean . I am having a very hard time keeping this together for us both and getting us both clean and happy . He has been an heroin iv user for 10 years. On and off. I have only used for one. We were spending everything I made he doesnt keep jobs very well as he's usually the one that has to go pick up for us and I work everyday pay rent and buy dope . No food furniture is minimal rent is high and our habit very costly over $4000 a month on h. 1300 on rent anything else I make is for gas and cigs and a phone to call our dealers. I'm so depressed and I know I can get through this I'm just so worried about him . I told him he had to move out or clean up with me. So here we r . this is the third time we have tried to get clean together my cocktailing with other drugs was my recipe to only be able to work not to start a meth problem. Which is my old doc for about 10years. I'm so tired of this life I can't do it anymore I'm exhausted. It does feel good to get these thoughts out. I'm going to try to nap for a few hours . I'm not sure if I should take a little sub before work? I'm actually not feeling that bad I just don't want to be sick in the middle of my shift on a Friday night slammed bar. I really don't think we need the subs but he is very protective over them and thinks that is the only way maybe it is but I feel it's an excuse for him to use again when he runs out of film. And the guy who sells us subs only trades dope for them haha figures. It's just endless excuses for this drug endless . If anyone has any feed back on a couple cleaning up together Or how to keep him strong . Also any ideas on his weird hours of hallucinations so strange and to imtryin I hope all is well with you and your family . Thankyou

 

[gmlifer]

Willow! You're doin so well. Remember there is always going to be two ways to look at things. The more positive you see things and the more positive energy you can flow them the brighter the picture will look. ( I hope that came across to you as super deep cause it sounded deep as hell in my head)

You're upcoming battle is paws. You're basically over the physical hump. Now you have to teach yourself to live without drugs again. Maybe keep journal and NEVER EVER forget why you decided to quit. As far as the boyfriend goes I know you love him so offer as much support as you can but absolutely do not let him bring you down. If that means you have to get away from him then I'm sorry, he has to go. Hopefully he will continue your journey with you.

There are some really smart people on this site and you will get more help than you could imagine but something that may help you get help is if you started your own thread. If you're having trouble then pm a mod. They are all helpful and awesome people and will offer any support they can.

 

[Will0w]

Thankyou gmlifer I am feeling much better but wow my energy level is so low I've been clean I guess for two weeks I haven't really been keeping count. I just want this paws to pass it's very hard to sleep and I have no energy to even stand . I went to my pool today forced myself to swim that helped a lot I could feel the sun on my skin and that helped to . So I think I will make this a routine for now . It's so hard knowing I can have a shot and feel normal but I know what I have to go through to end it its not worth it but still on my mind . Thankyou for listening